Saying no to my children having experiences without us?

[MancLass76]

I have 2 children aged 11 and 7 and my sister in law keeps asking if they can do things with them. On one hand it’s great she wants to spend time with them (my brother will be involved as well, she’s just the organiser), they have a great relationship and I really want to encourage that but on the other hand, she puts me in a difficult position of sometimes wanting/deciding to say no and then getting grief if I do and being made to feel really selfish (which I get I am being to some degree).

They are childless through choice but also have higher incomes so often their suggestions are out of reach for us (or something we need to plan for) and they are suggesting experiences for my kids that I don’t want to not be there for. Top end think safari lodges in the UK at £1000 for one night, first trip to London and a show in the West End kind of things but then smaller trips such as first visit to a particular zoo (which has been a family fave through 2 generations of our family).

Am I being unreasonable though to deny my kids these experiences if it means it won’t ever happen.

I also get grief if I ask to be included/tag along on the cheaper things so I can see my kids enjoying the experience they have planned. They bought a virgin experience involving cars for my daughter at Christmas and I asked to go watch and they are now being awkward with the date to make it work.

Aunts and uncles wanting to take their nieces and nephews for trips are not overly invested omg

My kids have been to all sorts of extra extravagant parties that we can’t afford, like at Hamleys and posh hotels. I would hate to have deprived them of those experiences because we couldn’t make them happen. Don’t do this.

Am I being unreasonable though to deny my kids these experiences if it means it won’t ever happen

Yes, you are being unreasonable.
If aunt and uncle want to pay for these experiences which you can't afford, let them.

You can say no to other things that you want to do with them such as the zoo.
But why haven't you taken them to the zoo yet if it's that important to you?

First trip to London? If that's important to you, tell your sister, no, you want to take the children for their first trip to London and then you save up the money and take them.

But other things that you could never afford? Let them take them.

I don’t know if you meant to be sarcastic or for real.

You sound jealous. How about some gratitude? Not every child is blessed with a generous aunt.

I cannot get my head around this at all.

Rich relatives love your kids and want to give them fantastic experiences out of your budget,...... and you would refuse ???

Exactly who's interests are you putting first here OP???

Because they want to spend time with their niece and nephew and treat them?! And it changes dynamics completely if the parents are there too! They're going to be the fun sponges who say "no more sweets" or "bedtime in 5 minutes". Not the same at all.

I'm the childfree Aunty and when my nieces were young I spent a lot of time and money on them. Sometimes they would just come to ours and hang out with a takeaway and film, other times we took them on nice trips.

It's nice to build a relationship as an Aunt and to do that, you need to spend time with them without the parents being around because then it changes from Aunty and Uncle spending time with nieces to sister and brother in law paying for the whole family. Sometimes we did that, other times we wanted to see our nieces on their own, just as sometimes I wanted to spend time with just my sister.

If I got one whiff of my sister and brother in law thinking like some of the posters on here then they wouldn't have seen me for dust. If I'd wanted to play parents to children, I would have had them myself. I didn't need my nieces to fill some weird gap in my life, they were just and still are, lovely people who I was happy to hang out with and treat sometimes.

Can’t believe people’s harsh response to the OP. Quite ludicrous that she should be GRATEFUL to her brother and SIL. They are stepping on OPs toes, diminishing her presence and role of Mum. It’s just not right and I can’t understand the entitlement of thinking it’s alright. The next thing they will be buying the big star Christmas presents too. It’s tone deaf. They are absolutely out of order for making these arrangements which exclude the mother of the children. There will always be experiences which are financially out of reach… and that’s ok. Children need to experience the mundane things with parents and family members too.

its not at all being jealous of your own kids....the nearest i can come to it is feeling superceded and feeling that a child's love is being bought....kind of like Disney Dadding.

Yes!!! this!!

But whats the issue with this? They aren't the parents so why can't they do the Disney stuff.

I think its lovely OP that their auntie and uncle want to treat them OP and its a shame you stop that happening through your envy. Some fun trips with auntie and uncle isn't going to replace you as their mum, even if you can't spend to the same degree.

A lot of children won't get such attention from aunts and uncles because in the most cases, they will be focused on their own families, your children are lucky to have these special relationships

Hugely unreasonable and selfish.
You would rather your children go completely without opportunities that someone else is willing and able to fund for them than they go but without you. You are putting yourself first, not your kids.

My aunt used to take me on trips without my parents

So did my grandparents

It hasn't changed or "robbed" the relationship with my parents

Some of you are very overdramatic

Is the issue about you not feeling comfortable about leaving your children in is purely down not to sharing the experience. I think it is normal and healthy for children to have special experience with other family members. I can understand wanting to be present for some of things you do with children, but some the experiences don't like sound like special first event. My my parents and grandparents took on special outings, however, I tend remember have more fond memories of grandparent because I didn't leave with them and there was not parental authority. Also, we able to eat and do things that I do with my parents. I did the same with my nieces and nephews. I pretty much spoilt them. I never minded if brother came, however he would be worried about me spending too much money - maybe your brother and SIL think you are spoiling things.

If they're asking you to pay, a clear consistent 'we can't afford it, so the answer is no.'

If they're offering to pay, grab with both hands, wave them off and teach the kids to write graceful heartfelt thankyou letters.

If it's something where you genuinely feel you need to be there because you want to ensure they're safe, explain that, say that unfortunately it's not within the family budget. They may pay for you. If not, then it's a no.

(Child free couples do need somewhere to leave their money.)

The children are ‘lucky’ to a point, but maybe it’s tipped too far and op feels badgered and pestered and excluded. I don’t think it’s right tbh.

I also believe the motivation might be coming from the wrong place and for the wrong reasons.

A few outings is okay encroaching on first experiences usually enjoyed with their parents is massively over stepping. Boundaries need to be in place. Whilst it is a good thing on the whole, it’s important that it doesn’t water down op’s experiences and motherhood - and she shouldn’t be feeling pushed aside or erased. That isn’t right.

I’d rather my children enjoyed as many life experiences as possible, I wouldn’t stop them doing things that they might not otherwise be able to.
I have my own children but also love being an Auntie, I would be really hurt if I couldn’t treat my nieces/nephews to something because their parent felt jealous.
My children were the first children for both sides of our families so everyone took them to exciting things or did special events because our families love to spend time with them, I didn’t tag along because I also enjoyed the break!
They always came home full of excitement and joy and have a close relationship with their maternal family especially, despite having small cousins now, those memories have created a strong bond.
I don’t think your sister sounds too invested, surely the most normal thing in the world is to enjoy spending time with each other and she wishes to spend her money on things for them.

I agree with this. I am so happy my children get to spend time away from me and get to form their own special with their grandparents in the same way I with mine. I want my children to have the feeling of having other people love and care you - plus I know my children get to experience things they will never do with me as their grandparent don't have parent so they be indulgent. I think this creates a health balance.

My DC had a beloved aunt who could take them to places and give them things that we couldn’t or maybe wouldn’t. It was lovely for her and for them and had no impact on their relationship with us.

Let your children go - I can’t even believe you are considering stopping them from taking part in these ‘firsts’ / experiences, especially
when some of them you will never be able to afford yourself - because you can’t be with them you would stop them experiencing it. Yeah, it’s a bit weird the in-laws are awkward when you want to come along but some in laws just aren’t that pally. If they treat the kids well, be happy that they have relatives that want to build relationships with them and treat them (to amazing experiences you can’t always). I think you are thinking about yourself before the kids.

Yes, but if those firsts are never or maybe once they’re adults (on their own), is it really encroaching?

There nothing wrong being a Disney parent to your niece or nephew. Extended members are not there to parent your children but instead be a support system.

How is it diminishing her role as mum to let them spend time with other people? Unless you feel that children should never do anything without mum there by their side. By that logic they wouldn’t ever be able to go on school trips or go on holiday with a friend. These aren’t babies, the more experiences they have and the more people they have them with, the richer their lives will be. To turn down something that’s offered to your kids by a loving relative just because you can’t go too is selfish and dog-in-the-manger.

When I was 12 I went on a holiday abroad with my grandparents. Not my parents, not my siblings, just me. I can’t tell you how exciting it was, how grown-up I felt, and what a special memory it is now long after they died. My siblings each got one too when they were old enough. Should we have all missed out because it “excluded” our parents????

What absolute bullshit.

“Diminishing her presence and role of Mum”? What overdramatic drivel.