Saying no to my children having experiences without us?

[MancLass76]

I have 2 children aged 11 and 7 and my sister in law keeps asking if they can do things with them. On one hand it’s great she wants to spend time with them (my brother will be involved as well, she’s just the organiser), they have a great relationship and I really want to encourage that but on the other hand, she puts me in a difficult position of sometimes wanting/deciding to say no and then getting grief if I do and being made to feel really selfish (which I get I am being to some degree).

They are childless through choice but also have higher incomes so often their suggestions are out of reach for us (or something we need to plan for) and they are suggesting experiences for my kids that I don’t want to not be there for. Top end think safari lodges in the UK at £1000 for one night, first trip to London and a show in the West End kind of things but then smaller trips such as first visit to a particular zoo (which has been a family fave through 2 generations of our family).

Am I being unreasonable though to deny my kids these experiences if it means it won’t ever happen.

I also get grief if I ask to be included/tag along on the cheaper things so I can see my kids enjoying the experience they have planned. They bought a virgin experience involving cars for my daughter at Christmas and I asked to go watch and they are now being awkward with the date to make it work.

Sometimes life doesn't go according to plan. That's no reason to stop living it.

A naughty or sick child is returned to their parents, an unexpected accident necessitates a trip to a nearby supermarket if possible to purchase a cheap change of clothes. Shouldn't be beyond most caring, sensible adults.

You're right, I've never experienced being jealous of my own kids!

My Mum is an artist (started later in life once I was grown up) and does loads of art with my daughter, my daughter knows a lot more about art than me because of this- I don't get upset because she teaches her to paint but doesn't volunteer to care for her when she is off school with D and V. They also have a motorhome and have taken DD for 4/5 days on holidays. I'm really happy that DD got to experience that and wouldn't have dreamed of trying to muscle in on it.

I don't see my SIL and brother often, but when they come, they shower DD with expensive gifts and spoil her, I think that's lovely and I'm glad they care about her. They took her to indoor climbing and they got me to go too but honestly it's not my thing and I'd have preferred if they just took her without me.

My other SIL is more interested in herself and doesn't bother with her own kid let alone mine. I'd love it if she actually showed up for the kids in her life once in a while.

I didn’t have children so that some1 else can have the pleasure of being with or spoiling them

What a weird mindset. Your children aren't your possessions and children have much to gain from spending time with extended family. Do you object to your DC even having friends their own age? Does that take away from your time with them?

Well, the rain was not your SiL's fault - and it's a good lesson in what it means to camp (which is why I never go camping and have never wanted to). Head lice were unfortunate but not the end of the world just some shampoo and a fine tooth comb. Experience had.

Pretty sure your kids weren’t harmed by a bit of rain or headlice! Is that the only time you ever let them do anything without you? If so it was probably very good for them.

I agree. You are being possessive, op, and a little resentful that aunt and uncle can afford to do things that you can't. That will happen throughout life but you are still their mum and the most important person to your children.

Be glad they have opportunities and don't stand in their way, they'll love you more for it.

Unreasonable and selfish. Why would you let your kids miss out?

I accidentally clicked YANBU… YABU - I wouldn’t let my children miss out of great experiences just because I would be left out. It’s also good for the kids to have strong bonds with extended family members.

There’s nothing to suggest Op has any concerns re how they’d be cared for. The trips sound lovely and age appropriate.
They aren’t tiny children. Oldest is secondary school age. If Op feels little one too young, suggest they take eldest.

I think if these are you can not offer the kids then yes, you're being unreasonable. I would be mighty pissed off if I found out my parents had stopped me going to a safari lodge or West End play because they couldn't afford it!

I want my kids to see the world and have limitless experiences and if that means someone else taking them because it's beyond me then so be it. Ideally it'll be me, but if not then better they don't miss out. So what if it's "Disney" it's fun and a kind offer.

Smaller local experiences then yes, I would say no as I could do that myself.

Headlice and rain, good grief. I hope you've all managed to recover from that dreadful trauma. I'd say only about 99% of the UK population have had to deal with headlice and a mere 100% have been out in the rain.

I’m broke as a joke but if my DC had an opportunity to do expensive things without me, I’d jump at the chance. We do a hundred things together, why would I begrudge them the opportunity to do something amazing without me? It means they get to do something fantastic and I don’t have to pay for it. Plus, I think it’s enormously good for their confidence to navigate relationships with other people on their own terms, provided your DB and DSIL are good people.

I just thought of another take on it baring in mind it’s most likely SIL organising things.

Was your upbringing different, are these things that she’d deem ‘normal’ that would be special/extra to you.

My husbands family see all the things we do as a bit OTT as it’s not what they’re used to. He’d never been to the theatre before we’d met, yet as a kid that was a nice treat but not overly out there. Equally there were things his family did that I’d never done either.

YABU
My DSis now won't likely have children. DS absolutely bloody adores her and if she's willing to pay for something and wants to experience it with him, that means the world to both of them and I will not say no. But then it works the other way, she willingly agreed to lose a precious weekend of free time to pay and take a train from london to care for him and the dogs so DH and I could have a night away together.

Why on earth would you deprive your kids of these opportunities?
Yabvvu

What’s your relationship like with your brother and SIL, OP? Wondering if you don’t like them all that much, as you don’t really want them to treat your children and would rather your children miss out on fun things. A West End show sounds fine??

It’s also funny to compare this post to all the threads complaining about family members being disinterested in people’s DC!

I think it’s a little insensitive of them not to offer to take you as well to the more sentimental things like the Zoo so its fair to reserve that for yourselves, but I’d be happy for them to be indulged by them and just enjoy the free time! Ask for lots of videos and photos so you can see their excited faces.

Why is a zoo sentimental?

Fuck me, you sound so jealous and resentful.

You’d rather your kids miss out on some incredible experiences just because you want to be there for them too, despite acknowledging that they’re highly unlikely to ever happen if that’s the case?

Thats pretty gross, honestly.

I really can’t get my head around you not wanting your children to have lovely experiences and trips.
What about offers of money?
I could envisage a situation where they say they’ll give them some money for uni or towards a school trip and you’d presumably say no.

I think there is a compromise here. I would agree to the things that aren’t special to you as a family. Work what matters, and what doesn’t op. Then thank them for their love and care, and when it is a family memory or something special tell
them you are already saving for that.

They probably should have children of their own, they sound very invested. I would be thankful overall in your place.

I have one childless (not by choice but she has embraced it) sister with a good income who loves to treat our kids. Live shows, cinema, theme parks, zoo, she loves to do it, they love her, not just because of the extravagance but more because of the attention and the one on one. She's so good at being interested in them and their lives.

what are ‘non-Disney’ uncles and aunts sposed to do, turn up to your house to do bed and bath every night

It’s literally the point and function of childless older relatives to take your kids out to do jazzy fun things they might not otherwise get to do

YABVVVU to insist they don't take them anywhere.

YANBU to ask to go along too if you can afford to pay your way.
My DNs are considerably older than my DCs and I treated them before our DCs came along. Sometimes this included taking them out of my DB/SIL's hair for the duration of the treat, or having them to stay. My DM had one DN living at hers for a whole school year. I don't think my DB/SIL would have insisted on her not doing anything expensive with DN or indeed not doing anything without them, but would have happily asked them along if they could have come.

Most of the things you are mentioning (including the zoo that you all remember going to as children) are not things your DCs will do only once in their childhood.

OP could do with coming back and explaining whether her kids really haven't been to the zoo yet

But she's been rightly called out for being so unreasonable so probably won't be