DS home from uni and attitude/ gone a bit off rails

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Posting here for traffic.

I need some advice WRT my DS(19). He is/ was a very sensible, caring boy who did really well at school/ sports/ hobbies. At 16 he got a p/t job and saved up about 2k. He’s always been a sensible, hardworking young man like his dad.

He just finished his first year at Uni and he seems to well….have had a blast!!

On the plus side he loves his course, has done really well in year 1, made amazing friends who he’s got a house share with for year 2 and found a girlfriend. Before this he never went out, and just did family stuff. I’m relieved he’s not calling me up lonely and stressed.

On the not so plus side; He’s come home for summer with an attitude. We are on an activity holiday of a lifetime and he says he’s bored, it’s too long, and he’s tired. There’s a week to go. He and his sibling picked the destination. It cost a lot of money as we thought it’d be one of our last family holidays. He had the option not to come! It seems he’d rather be home watching TV and calling GF.

Secondly, he seems to have blown all his savings on clothes (you wouldn’t believe the amount he’s bought), Justeat, and going out. I’ve heard him drop into conversations about food deliveries, hiring city scooters everywhere, taxis and eating out. He’s moving into a house next year and just asked my DH for extra money (after Uni fees, halls costs he has £500 a month) because he’ll have to pay bills.

My DH seems to be struggling with his new look and attitude and says I am enabling/ encouraging him but I see it differently. I see a teen boy who up till now had no social life and now has a great set of friends, a GF and goes the pub and clubbing. At 19 I didn’t give a shit about what my parents thought and spent every summer working abroad. I also did things they’ll never know about. I’ve also told DH that once away from halls of residence, it should calm down.

My DH is really struggling with the transition from daddy’s best mate to independent man and the way he’s emerging from the chrysalis but I think it’s kind of normal.

Who IBU here? Or more to the point, should I be trying to g to reign in DS’s behaviour if I can?

This is tricky because you both have a point. It sounds like he is thriving and he is being normal for a person his age. He has had a year of independence and is now on a family holiday l.
But he might need to budget or get a part time job if he is spending more than he can manage on things he doesn't need.

Give him some slack but say no to extra money unless he has a plan

He is 19 and an adult and is living life as an adult when he is at Uni: own friends, independent living arrangements, girl friend. His own life.

I'm surprised that he came on holiday with you. Why isn't he doing his own thing over the holidays ?

He can't step back into his old role and it's wrong to expect him to.

I think at that age they shouldn’t be moaning on a free holiday that they picked and I would speak to him about that.

I agree that many of us make poor choices with our spending when young and the trouble is these days there is just so much to waste money on that didn’t exist when I went to uni 30+ years ago ( so most of it went on alcohol ). I would present a united front on the money aspect. If he wants more money he needs to show you his bank statements and you can advise where to trim expenses. A healthy teen should be walking or taking the bus, not wasting money on taxis. Ditto food. If you do want to give him anything I would be more tempted to give items rather than money - so a bike for him to get around or an airfryer and coffee maker to allow him to make his own meals and coffee.

This grown-up young man is still a part child - if he was truly independent he'd have made plans for the summer that meant he was paying his own way. Welcome to the confusing age of the adult child - you likely have a few more years to endure before they become proper functioning adults who are not dependent on their parents. Good luck!

You pay his Uni fees and rent and he still has £500 left over? He doesn’t have to get any loans at all! Does he know how lucky he is!

All normal behaviour. My DC cut his family holiday short and flew to his GF’s after returning from his 1st year in Uni.

After house share in 2nd year much more appreciative of home comforts and our family hygiene standards 😂

If your DS will have £500 a month left and no student loans this is very generous and plenty of money.

He’s 19!!
Let him be and don’t stunt him.
Be proud of him for growing and achieving.
Your DH needs to be realistic and thankful that he has a great normal son.

I can see you're in a difficult situation. I guess the bright side is that he seems to be happy and is thriving socially!

Where is his money coming from? Student loans, money from you? £500 on top of halls/accomodation costs sounds pretty generous - it's what our DS gets (2nd year uni) and it's quite a bit more than he says he needs (we wanted to make sure he had no money worries). Obviously it depends on the city, but if your DS is splurging on clothes and taxis and takeaways then I guess the obvious thing is for him to get a part-time job of some kind. I definitely wouldn't give him more money.

He’s missing his new fun life and his girlfriend and struggling to reintegrate into family life. Thus is totally normal. He can ask for extra money but you don’t need to say yes!! Stay calm, say no to the extra funds and give him some space.

Perfectly normal behaviour for his age and is enjoying his new found independence and finding his feet. He’ll soon settle down. As for asking for extra money I’d sit down with him and work out exactly what was essential,eg rent food, bills etc and then how much was reasonable for socialising. We did this when my sons were at uni and agreed on a set amount each month.

Ahh to be 19 blowing through my savings and student grants again… as long as it’s not hard drugs and he’s doing well on his course, let him live. Don’t give him hand outs though, to be a party animal is fine, but it’s important to keep your work ethic. This is a good time to learn important life/financial lessons.

He’s at uni in London.
He has the max student loan he can get, but it just covers the uni fees. My DH paid his accommodation (1k a month) and gives him £500 spends.

The family holiday was chosen by him and DB a year ago. It’s an activity holiday. My DH is upset that we are on a trip of a lifetime and he’s complaining about it. His sibling is enjoying themselves but upset by his attitude.

We are going on another mini break in a few weeks and I’ve given him the option to cancel but he says he wants to come “why wouldn’t I want to come?”.

He seems annoyed he’s not getting more money from us. I think he needs to budget and get a job.

If his dad is truly honest with himself what would he have chosen at 19 - holiday with mum and dad or having lots of sex with his girlfriend! I think the money and the whinging need a chat but is your husband emotionally mature enough to understand that he’s feeling unsettled by losing his little boy and that doesn’t make what your son is doing wrong?

I think once he’s out of halls, in a house share with his friends (half boys/girls) and he has to commute to uni (30mins) it’ll calm down.

Right now he’s on campus, got a nightclub where he lives, and there are hundreds of students running round immaturely till 4am. He’s knackered and had little sleep for a year.

Wow how things have changed. At 19 back in the 80s I was working, going out,getting home at 5am and going to work at 7am. Spending every penny I had. Regularly away sleeping in the car weekends, travelling the country following football. Then I stopped for a year to go to America on a massively expensive holiday for me. About £10k in today's money. Came back skint and started going out and spending everything again.
By 25 I had a house, a good job, married etc. saved and retired at 55.

He's young he's living life as you need to when he's young. I had several friends who married early and missed out on the clubbing etc who hit 30/40 and decided to do it then...with kids and a partner at home...it didn't end well

You update before the last one hit the nail on the head - he needs to get a p/t job and learn to budget. £500 a month is a very large amount of money to have available to spend on top of the £2k he's spent in 9 months.
In a calm moment, tell him straight that he's ruining the holiday of a lifetime - he's old enough to hear the truth and it may give him pause for thought.

My DH at 19 worked every spare hour in a supermarket and saved. He’s Mr.SuperSensible (why I chose him). My DS was like this. I think he’ll revert back once his uni days are over.

I think my DS was anxious at uni. He told me he didn’t like being in his room alone and never shut the door so people could just pop in anytime. I think he’s made a lot of effort to make friends. His GF seems a bit wild but I think they both helped each other out a lot in the first year. I like her.

He's a 19 year old and sounds exactly like all the students I teach - and doing a lot better than some!

He should get a loan for fees and a living expenses loan: they are separate. The living expenses loan probably won't cover London rent and might not even cover other living expenses, but it's not nothing.

When you're back from holiday, set a budget with him that's realistic and affordable for you. He will mess up and run out of money but that's how he'll learn.

I'd do your best to blank the moaning for now but have a word before the next break that if he's choosing to go on a free holiday then he needs to show some good grace about it.

What course is he doing? Does he have time to get a job? My uni course was 40 hours lectures per week, plus around 20 hours plus independent study. Plus in years 2 and 3 we had to move to a different town every couple months for placements so getting a job was challenging. But if he is on a standard uni course then he should definitely get a job. He presumably chose to go to uni in London, and knew it was expensive? So he then needs to get a job to sustain his choices.

Maybe compartmentalize. Being a pain on holiday is a phase most of them go through and maybe it's just your turn for that. It doesn't mean you should just put up with his attitude but there are particular stresses on holiday.

I love that you have listed out all the stuff he's managed, the progress he's made. But yes it does sound like he needs a summer job. And that he "needs to need a summer job" too - it'll be great for him and he can handle it now, so being a bit short of cash to force that no bad thing.

Re uni loans, what happens to the maintenance part of his loan? Even if he can only get min loan that is nearly £7k on top of his fees.

The financial aspect doesn't make much sense. Tuition fees are totally separate from living costs. All DC can get a loan to cover the full cost of their fees. They also get a loan for living costs- the amount depends on their parents' income.

£500 a month is not much to cover both bills and living costs in London (albeit I wouldn't expect it to cover constant Deliveroos and Ubers).

Many on MN are desperate to send their DC up chimneys ASAP. However, I would far rather they didn't work during term time if at all possible so they can take advantage of the educational and other opportunities at uni.

I also think there's a big difference in the time they'll have to work depending on what they're studying. A student doing sociology at Salford will have a lot more free time than if they were doing law at UCL.

I'm confused about his student loan - the tuition fee loan should cover uni fees but he should be able to get a maintenance loan on top?

The attitude wouldn't bother me because he will.come back around but from your husbands point of view, why the fuck would he want to work hard and give his son money to piss up against the wall as spends for JustEat etc?

In his shoes I'd be paying the rent directly and nothing more.

I agree Yabbereork. At 55 myself I don’t feel the need to go wild. I put this down to my 18-25 years when I worked abroad, went to Uni, dated boys from all over the world, and basically went a bit crazy. I’ve friends who want to club till 3am now and I’m just not interested or feel the need.

After reading this I am assured it’s normal, but the £ is an issue. I’ve offered to help him sell things on Vinted when we get back and he needs to budget and get a job. Deep down I think we have spoilt him a bit. He’s the eldest and got everything.

He’s moving into a house next year and just asked my DH for extra money (after Uni fees, halls costs he has £500 a month) because he’ll have to pay bills.

He what? Some working adults dont have £500 cash a month left over. No to extra money and he can budget for his new lifestyle himself.