DS home from uni and attitude/ gone a bit off rails

[Lakesandmountainsaremything]

Posting here for traffic.

I need some advice WRT my DS(19). He is/ was a very sensible, caring boy who did really well at school/ sports/ hobbies. At 16 he got a p/t job and saved up about 2k. He’s always been a sensible, hardworking young man like his dad.

He just finished his first year at Uni and he seems to well….have had a blast!!

On the plus side he loves his course, has done really well in year 1, made amazing friends who he’s got a house share with for year 2 and found a girlfriend. Before this he never went out, and just did family stuff. I’m relieved he’s not calling me up lonely and stressed.

On the not so plus side; He’s come home for summer with an attitude. We are on an activity holiday of a lifetime and he says he’s bored, it’s too long, and he’s tired. There’s a week to go. He and his sibling picked the destination. It cost a lot of money as we thought it’d be one of our last family holidays. He had the option not to come! It seems he’d rather be home watching TV and calling GF.

Secondly, he seems to have blown all his savings on clothes (you wouldn’t believe the amount he’s bought), Justeat, and going out. I’ve heard him drop into conversations about food deliveries, hiring city scooters everywhere, taxis and eating out. He’s moving into a house next year and just asked my DH for extra money (after Uni fees, halls costs he has £500 a month) because he’ll have to pay bills.

My DH seems to be struggling with his new look and attitude and says I am enabling/ encouraging him but I see it differently. I see a teen boy who up till now had no social life and now has a great set of friends, a GF and goes the pub and clubbing. At 19 I didn’t give a shit about what my parents thought and spent every summer working abroad. I also did things they’ll never know about. I’ve also told DH that once away from halls of residence, it should calm down.

My DH is really struggling with the transition from daddy’s best mate to independent man and the way he’s emerging from the chrysalis but I think it’s kind of normal.

Who IBU here? Or more to the point, should I be trying to g to reign in DS’s behaviour if I can?

Also, I have just this week read that recruitment in the retail and hospitality sectors has plummeted.

Not sure where all these employers are queuing up to employ students for two months 🧐

It is entitled to expect someone else to pay your way once you're an adult, and I struggle to believe there are no part time jobs or that it's not possible to balance study with some part time work. What would they do if their parents couldn't help financially?

Look hard enough and the jobs are there.

I live in a tourist town where there are lots of vacancies in hospitality but accommodation is too expensive to make it worth people coming to stay to work for the summer.

Lots of job vacancies here, big accommodation issue for folk who don't live here - not an issue for students coming home to their own house for summer though.

@Morgenrot25 we are in similar position, so DS can get work in uni holidays as coincides with busy tourist times. Not sure he would be able to get a job in his related subject when graduated, so will likely move away

Dh is bu. Your son is maturing into adulthood. You are delighted for him it is the way life goes. Dh is going to have to learn that his little boy is becoming a man. But with adult life comes adult responsibilities. He wants to eat take away and ride scooters rather than cycle\walk and cook at home ...then he needs to earn the money and get a job. Also his attitude at your home must be respectful. Help around the house with basic chores like washing up,taking bins out. If you feel uncomfortable with gf staying over then say so and don't allow it yet.
You are right to celebrate his new confidence. You don't want him to remain a shy retiring adult .

Good luck to him whatever he ends up doing. My DS will probably move away eventually too - he's always got a home here but also has his own path to follow. 👍

I had one in Bermuda. Another hopping around the world, arctic circle, Africa, middle East.

I did miss them.

All sounds pretty normal. I remember finding it really boring at home in my first summer at uni after the buzz of being in halls. It's such a weird time.

He'll calm down.

Have a chat about the money. He got carried away, that's all. Not the worst thing to happen at 19.

I think that’s right, @DinosandRegrets678

Oh, definitely, it's normal to miss them, but also be proud that you raised children who are healthy, happy and confident enough to spread their wings and explore. :)

Absolutely this. It's a transitional stage, the first extended period you've been at home since you moved out -- you're not quite the same person you were, and sometimes you struggle to fit back into your previous role in your family.

Yes, I was thinking of that line in 'Alan Partridge' when he rings up his son and he wonders why he is in bed, "Fernando, you’re twenty two years old and you’re spending your Saturday afternoon in bed with a girl, you’re wasting your life....

He 100% needs to learn how to budget. There’s probably no more important life skill. And he won’t learn that unless he’s forced to by having less money than he wants.

I think you are right about not giving him extra. He is struggling with suddenly having so much freedom and he needs to fall on his face before he learns that actions have consequences. Don't bail him out or he will never learn. He needs to find the balance between doing whatever he likes and being responsible. You can advise him if he asks, but he needs to learn this lesson for himself.

I would give him a talking to about being ungrateful about the holiday and putting a damper on it for everyone else. He chose this and while he doesn't have to like it, he can put a lid on his constant complaining. In fact I would tell him not to come on the mini break if he can't stop complaining and being in a sour mood on his current holiday.

It seems his is learning independence and adulthood the hard way.

Or working for it. I once fell in love with an outfit in Miss Selfridge. After working six long Saturdays I finally had the money to buy it. Went in, there it was. I decided it wasn't worth the six weeks of slogging I had done 😂

When my children were this age they certainly weren't bored because they had to work, uni wouldn't have been possible otherwise.
They also need to work to learn skills re getting on with others , working as a team etc.Your son is very privileged but I'd be concerned that he doesn't recognize it.

Yes, adult-child syndrome.

Where he probably thinks he is an adult and has responsibility for his own life but turns up for a handout every now and then like a child.

Because you clearly were referring to young people.

And no, they actually aren’t. That’s just a lazy insult people throw around when they are incapable of understanding the full picture of others’ circumstances. Older generations have been saying it about young people for centuries. It wasn’t true then and isn’t now.

Well you tell him to wind his neck in on the attitude while on holiday with you are he isn't coming on the next break.

No I wouldnt give him more money. He needs to get a job if his £500 a month isn't enough for him. He is bloody lucky to get spending money. Many uni students dont.

I was referring to folk, aka people.
It's most definitely entitled to think you shouldn't at least attempt to pay towards your own living expenses, regardless of what age you are. 🫣