DS home from uni and attitude/ gone a bit off rails

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I need some advice WRT my DS(19). He is/ was a very sensible, caring boy who did really well at school/ sports/ hobbies. At 16 he got a p/t job and saved up about 2k. He’s always been a sensible, hardworking young man like his dad.

He just finished his first year at Uni and he seems to well….have had a blast!!

On the plus side he loves his course, has done really well in year 1, made amazing friends who he’s got a house share with for year 2 and found a girlfriend. Before this he never went out, and just did family stuff. I’m relieved he’s not calling me up lonely and stressed.

On the not so plus side; He’s come home for summer with an attitude. We are on an activity holiday of a lifetime and he says he’s bored, it’s too long, and he’s tired. There’s a week to go. He and his sibling picked the destination. It cost a lot of money as we thought it’d be one of our last family holidays. He had the option not to come! It seems he’d rather be home watching TV and calling GF.

Secondly, he seems to have blown all his savings on clothes (you wouldn’t believe the amount he’s bought), Justeat, and going out. I’ve heard him drop into conversations about food deliveries, hiring city scooters everywhere, taxis and eating out. He’s moving into a house next year and just asked my DH for extra money (after Uni fees, halls costs he has £500 a month) because he’ll have to pay bills.

My DH seems to be struggling with his new look and attitude and says I am enabling/ encouraging him but I see it differently. I see a teen boy who up till now had no social life and now has a great set of friends, a GF and goes the pub and clubbing. At 19 I didn’t give a shit about what my parents thought and spent every summer working abroad. I also did things they’ll never know about. I’ve also told DH that once away from halls of residence, it should calm down.

My DH is really struggling with the transition from daddy’s best mate to independent man and the way he’s emerging from the chrysalis but I think it’s kind of normal.

Who IBU here? Or more to the point, should I be trying to g to reign in DS’s behaviour if I can?

Has he never had a PT job ?

He needs to get one

When he graduates, it is much better to have some PT work experience on your CV when applying for jobs.
Plus working is about learning the soft skills too
Time keeping
Working with different people
Flexibility
Responsibility
Possibly looking after cash or payments
Respect

I also stopped going on family holidays at 16
I worked PT & FT whilst at college & uni
I went on holidays with siblings or friends

He needs to grow up about the holiday and enjoy it or at least not ruin it for you. He also needs to get a job, it is good in so many ways, money, independence and experience. I would also change giving him the money at the beginning of the month. We used to give it weekly on a Monday so less to spend in one go and ds had a budget for the month. Ds worked 2 jobs at uni and managed fine and it made a huge difference to us and him financially. He also worked every summer. All of his friends worked as well, many just have to. He needs to have some support around budgeting but also understand that if he wants more than the basics he needs to work.

My experience has always been when people go off to university then whole family dynamic changes.
Childhood is left behind and the young person is a young adult doing all the things young adult need to do to lead an independent life. And they just don't want to away with Mun and Dad and be expected to behave like a child again.

Of course it depends on dynamics of the individual family and possibly some young adults do want to still go on holiday with mum and dad. But in my experience this is not the norm.

Actually my experience is that by the time youngsters get to be 14 or 15 and still living at home they often find family holidays boring and not what they want to do but as children they generally don't have the choice not to go!

Mine still come on a family holiday - 20 and 23 this year. Eldest has just started his first grad job. We only ever do a week though. Sometimes abroad and sometimes UK. That leaves tome for them to work and do their own things with friends too. But we all love our week together.
Most of their friends still go on some form of a family holiday too. I don't think it's that unusual?

The way finances is being managed in this situation seems strange. It also sounds like you don’t know the full information yourself OP. Tuition fees, paid by loan, are covered by student finance and I believe paid directly to the university.

The maintenance loan, is still available to all students, but has some basis on parent’s income. But there is still a maintenance loan. Your son should have this and then you top up if that is what you want to do. After halls, whatever is left is living costs. That is when students get part time jobs to supplement income. And students budget to live within their means. Your son has no sense of his own finances when it is managed by his dad. Do you pay for his phone bill still, anything else when he is home too? Subscriptions/gym? etc?

Did you not think it was important for him to work this summer instead of holidays? London is so expensive. Why doesn’t he work during term time - I’m sorry but most students can work part time unless they on very specific courses? It is not true that students cannot work and most can manage some hours.

He may be annoying on holiday but you could also take a step back and leave him to it.

Have you checked a parental contribution calculator? E.g.
https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/students/university-living-costs-calculator/#!England

It's pretty normal to get a job as a student. He needs to learn how to manage his finances. It'll look better on his CV too.

If students have a tuition fee loan, the tuition fees are paid directly to the University by the Student Loans Company. It's the maintence loans that are paid into the students' bank accounts.

Why hasn’t he been working so far this summer? Are there opportunities where you are?
Will he be able to pick up hospitality work at least for August, even a month of work will get him going when he gets back.

It's a lot easier for them to manage money when they're at home. It sounds like you're both quite sensible with money and he had good role models. Then he goes to uni and has to manage it on his own. He's also not been used to being told when he's eating etc while he's been away.
Seems as though you've given him good foundations. They do change in their teens but most of the time the essential kid is still in there somewhere.

I've a 19 year old DS home for uni and 1 21 year old whose just finished. I don't think its normal. Respect is earned not granted and I would not be paying out money just for him to go on the piss. Has he got a summer job? Earned anything this summer. I would find his attitude extremely annoying and frankly ungrateful.

I will pay for things but only if there is some effort to earn their own money as well.

And yes adult children do go on holidays with parents. This you are 18 -everything stops - is peak mumsnet. We have a great relationship with our kids - just been to Stockholm. Bizarre attitude that as soon as you are 18 - that's it no more help, no more assistance - absolutely nothing. Very strange.

Is he not working at all? Not in the summer, no part-time work during term time? That to me is very surprising. I have two young adult kids and they have both been working during school holidays since 16 and since 18 they both have jobs in restaurants on the evenings and weekends whilst they study. There is plenty of time to go out and have fun too but I would never pay for another adult's social life. I really don't think it's beneficial for adults to live like that + their CVs with be completely empty once they finish uni.

I’d be having a word. Yes he’s an adult and wants to be off doing his thing but he agreed to and chose this holiday. He needs to be told he’s upsetting everyone and to wind his fucking neck in and get on with it for the final week

I used to go with my parents on holidays when I was studying as well, but I would have been told to either shut up and stop being miserable or go home if I had complained all the time.

You both have a point but I would have been delighted if my son had enjoyed such a successful first year at uni as yours has. You and your husband should both be happy about that as it isn't guaranteed.

I think you need to cut him some slack for his attitude. My daughter had a wearing attitude when she came home in the uni holidays but she turned out ok once she matured a bit.

He sounds completely normal. I’d be grateful tbh. He’s got friends, a gf, he’s doing well on his course and even though he was anxious, he still got out there. I was getting onto debt buying clothes at 19 but by the age of 30, had savings and gone sensible. I know people whose sons dropped out at uni, came home and haven’t done a thing since. It causes them great upset. If the sets of parents weren’t affluent, they’d be on benefits. Be glad your ds isn’t like that. And don’t worry about the holiday-he’ll look back with a few regrets possibly but he’s19. Let him have some chill time.

I would be telling him in no uncertain terms that he won’t be coming on the next holiday if he doesn’t wind back on his attitude.

Most teens have a couple of years of being gruesome. DS was a real pain during lockdown 13-15, but much nicer now he is 19. Sounds like yours was a model younger teen, so this entitled behaviour is a new revelation and not befitting to someone old enough to know better.

The money and the holidays are two separate things, but he is definitely old enough to be told that it’s deeply disappointing to be so vocal in his criticism of a holiday that you and your DH have worked hard to pay for and he is upsetting his younger sibling.That’s the message I would focus on right now, the rest can wait.

I'm confused by the loan. If you are in England the tuition fee loan goes straight to the university. Can get minimum maintenance loan if applied for. This is based on the assumption that parents will top up to maximum amount.

DS has a job in all uni holidays to top up his funds. He only gets minimum loan but has as yet not asked us for much money to top up.

I would be expecting any student to at least work through the holidays, some work though term time as well, but we told DS we would prefer he spent time studying/having social life. Is pretty much working FT this summer holiday.

We did notice a change in attitude first holiday back from uni, hard going from independent life to going back to live with mum and dad and leaving uni friends behind. We all had to work through that, and it still tests us all at times! But I wouldn't be impressed with demands for money if they are not making any effort themselves

I think the first vac after being away at university is always a period of mutual readjustment. The student has turned into a different person after their probable first long period of living away from home with strangers, and reinventing themselves, hence the new clothes etc.

He's discovered, fun and friends and sex and socialising, and is no longer a quiet, dweeby youth who was his father's double and best friend. This is absolutely as it should be.

Have a frank conversation about money. He's going to have to get a job for the rest of the vac and/or a PT job while at university if he can't stretch his current allowance. And while you should acknowledge he's changed and needs you to accept that he's changed, say that he needs to stop moaning on the holiday, which, like blowing his money on clothes, was his choice. That a bit of flexibility and tolerance is needed all round.

DH needs to let go of the financial aspect of things and give DS the responsibility. Only then will the penny drop that blowing it all on Uber and Just Eat doesn't work out to his advantage.

It's not your job go appease your DH because he's finding DS new mode difficult. It's DH responsibility to deal with that. The stroppiness I can absolutley remember, I went on one too many family holidays and acted out and I can remember it now, not my finest moment.

He's operating in feelings mode, he knows how to behave but he's got one foot in and one foot out of childhood/adulthood and he's all over the place. He misses his GF, he's behaving like a twat because you're old news. Not ideal but not unusual, he'll come back.

He needs more responsibility for his finances, and a job. And you can calmly tell him that you'd rather he not attend the next holiday unless he can put his face straight.

have a word about the holiday

"this has cost a lot of money and you wanted to come here, stop making it miserable for everyone else and realise how lucky you are" etc.

however, cut him some slack generally. My ds is younger but quite antisocial, I'd love it if suddenly he got a good group of friends, gf, went out more and I wouldn't want to rein him in socially at all. But financially he needs to be realistic and get a job!! I am not sure how any student living in london (unless from a super rich family) could manage not to

back when we were at uni taxis were occasionally used but only after the bus had stopped running and there were 3/4 of us to share the cost!
Ditto food deliveries which were a rare treat.

I understand why you feel a bit pissed off. If you take a step back though he is now and adult and wants to control what he does. It is part of this phase of growing. Equally you need some boundaries, particularly on finance. As a young adult, if he wants to buy a shed load on clothes, then his call- but be clear you are not funding this, it is up to him to do so. The holiday would piss me off. However that first year at Uni they change a lot and their tastes can also change, so I would make this the last one and certainly not be pushing the boat out going forward. I think you are doing fine. Pretty much I would have stopped at smart, doing well on the course and is kind.

My dc is same age about to go into yr2 and it sounds like you are giving far too much money.
I’m generous with mine and she lives off min loan (outside London it’s £4900 so £100ish a week) and I pay her accommodation.
In London min loan these are figures see photo. You are paying double required parental contribution.
He’s not got balance right as no incentive to work. Not working all summer also looks terrible on cv.
As for holidays I’d tell him to buck up he wanted to come and it’s expensive. Don’t pay for him to come next time. My dc still comes on holiday with us but is pleasant and grateful. She’s working abroad and travelling with friends this summer - has really made her appreciate costs.

I’d ignore the moaning and assume he won’t be coming again . My eldest struggled fitting back in when she returned from uni.

I’d be happy he’s found his tribe and is doing well

His money his choice but I wouldn’t give extra unless it was a deposit or something that could impact on him attending uni. If he needs more money he can get a job.

He hasn’t gone off the rails. That’s a weirdly controlling way to describe what sounds like normal behaviour.

Your husband sounds old and out of touch. At this moment in life, your son will get the most social fulfilment from his friends and girlfriend. He’s going to find long activities with his dad boring after a while. Most young people do?

Your son went from being a loner to having decent people in his life, why begrudge that? Wanting him to revert to loner ways, is quite sad. He sounds like an awkward kid that blossomed and now his parents are wanting to cut his wings off and wanting him to regress. Newsflash - he’s likely happier now.

All the stuff about renting bikes and getting takeaways, Christ. You’re acting like he’s on hard drugs and committing major crimes! Most young people engage with services like uber and just eat, young people are the target demographic. He’s not off the rails for spending money on something the majority of his peers do.

It’s like you took pleasure in your son being “different”, “quirky”, “not like other teens” and now are in pain that actually, he is like others his age.