DS home from uni and attitude/ gone a bit off rails

[Lakesandmountainsaremything]

Posting here for traffic.

I need some advice WRT my DS(19). He is/ was a very sensible, caring boy who did really well at school/ sports/ hobbies. At 16 he got a p/t job and saved up about 2k. He’s always been a sensible, hardworking young man like his dad.

He just finished his first year at Uni and he seems to well….have had a blast!!

On the plus side he loves his course, has done really well in year 1, made amazing friends who he’s got a house share with for year 2 and found a girlfriend. Before this he never went out, and just did family stuff. I’m relieved he’s not calling me up lonely and stressed.

On the not so plus side; He’s come home for summer with an attitude. We are on an activity holiday of a lifetime and he says he’s bored, it’s too long, and he’s tired. There’s a week to go. He and his sibling picked the destination. It cost a lot of money as we thought it’d be one of our last family holidays. He had the option not to come! It seems he’d rather be home watching TV and calling GF.

Secondly, he seems to have blown all his savings on clothes (you wouldn’t believe the amount he’s bought), Justeat, and going out. I’ve heard him drop into conversations about food deliveries, hiring city scooters everywhere, taxis and eating out. He’s moving into a house next year and just asked my DH for extra money (after Uni fees, halls costs he has £500 a month) because he’ll have to pay bills.

My DH seems to be struggling with his new look and attitude and says I am enabling/ encouraging him but I see it differently. I see a teen boy who up till now had no social life and now has a great set of friends, a GF and goes the pub and clubbing. At 19 I didn’t give a shit about what my parents thought and spent every summer working abroad. I also did things they’ll never know about. I’ve also told DH that once away from halls of residence, it should calm down.

My DH is really struggling with the transition from daddy’s best mate to independent man and the way he’s emerging from the chrysalis but I think it’s kind of normal.

Who IBU here? Or more to the point, should I be trying to g to reign in DS’s behaviour if I can?

I think he’s finding the transition from uni life back to home life very difficult, which is entirely normal. He’s not going to slot back in as though nothing has changed, because it has, massively, for him.
He’s having to navigate a whole new life at university, while also feeling he’s expected to be the same at home as he always was. I think your dh needs to cut him a bit of slack. Maybe you could acknowledge how difficult it must be to have two separate lives, and how everyone needs time to adjust!
Also, we’ve been through the clothing thing several times. It’s almost as though they’re having to invest in a completely new and extensive wardrobe to help with reinventing themselves at uni! I think it’s all tied up with getting a confidence boost from new clothes, as well.
Stick with it, I’m sure he’ll be fine.

Right, so you agree with me, it's not a legal obligation.
The son needs to be working, full time throughout the summer and during holidays, and part time during term time. It's what millions of other students do.

I think it’s common to discover life in London is amazingly good fun when you’re young and carefree!

Tell him he’s getting plenty of cash - if he needs more, he needs a job or to produce a budget showing where all his money has gone to.

as someone who was at uni fairly recently, no. The vast majority didn’t work during term time, and certainly didn’t work full time during all holidays. I, and most of my peers, had part time summer jobs and had help from family.

Ah, that's quite telling.
I don't think there was anyone who didn't have at least a part-time job while I was at Uni, and there were very few people who didn't work over the holidays.
I wonder why folk are so entitled now?

@OutsideInsideListen

As I have said, it is very difficult to balance working part time with an intense course at a top university and the majority of students do not do this.

@Morgenrot25

It's not about entitlement. Parents have a duty and a responsibility to support their DC's education and that includes helping with uni costs.

That doesn't mean takeaways ever night, but London is extremely expensive and £500 a month is certainly not rolling in it.

Mine all got summer jobs, then took off with friends and girlfriends camping in Europe across Spain and Portugal. He should plan a holiday for end of August with friends and start working. I'd bin the second break to be honest.

Hopefully he'll be more organised next year.

It's completely possible - pretty much all of my friends on my very intensive degree course managed it. We had very little gaps in our timetable, between lectures, labs and tutorials. The few who didn't have part-time term jobs definitely worked at least part-time, if not full-time, during the breaks.
It was very rare not to work while studying when I was at University.

Don’t get involved with this change, accept him and love him even if you and DH roll your eyes at him in private. Say no to the extra money, tell him to learn how to budget and to get a bus pass, that’s part of him finding out how the real world is. Let him work it out. But otherwise I think it would be sad for him to be testing the waters with a new outgoing independent personality and his parents start moaning or criticising him. Obviously if he’s rude - calling holiday boring call him on it but otherwise let him get on with it

Totally normal. Just let him go / fly. He’ll be back x

Choosing not to get at least a part-time job is definitely entitlement.
Again, parents don't have any legal responsibility - many choose to, but it's not enforceable in any way.
I can't help but think this reveals quite a lot about modern expectations tbh.

Mine tried but resorted to working back home at Xmas, Easter and summer to save up for the following term.

@Morgenrot25

It reveals nothing about modern expectations. The student loan system expects parents to contribute. Students whose parents have high incomes are not entitled to much supports, as their parents are expected to contribute.

its family dynamic more likely. He lived as a semi-adult for a year, now back at home where he's in child mode again

I’m not entirely sure what your point is.

There is no legal obligation, but if we only acted on legal obligations, we’d all be doing a lot less for our family!

Take for example, I’m getting surgery next week. There’s no legal obligation on my family to look after me after the surgery. But they will do it, because you look after your family.

It’s not entitlement.

I'd first give DHs head a wobble. His son is growing up, a large part of learning to budget is blowing all your money then eating baked beans the rest of the month because you're skint. Don't keep bailing him out, you're making sure he won't learn if you do.

All 19 year olds are like this. They're finding out who they are and honestly I'd just let him get it out of his system before adult stresses and worries and responsibilities come into play. Let him do everything while he still knows everything 😆

Real life will bring him down with a bump soon enough. He's not taking drugs or going off the rails and failing uni so let him be for a bit.

I would, however, tell him to curb the attitude. He picked this holiday, he will go and he will bloody well like it and if he doesn't, he will suck it the fuck up and handle it in good humour for his family's sake because why should everyone be miserable?

Uni summer is long. Nothing wrong with family holidays at that age and much beyond. Strange you think it’s weird.

Personally I think he's too old for a family holiday. I stopped going on family holidays when I turned 16 and went inter-railing with a BF instead.

As the students maintenance amounts are affected by parental income a parent would be a complete asshole not to contribute when it’s baked into the system that they do.

Yes and this dynamic will continue for years to come. Especially given how many adult kids boomerang back home.

I have 2 kids studying at top London uni's doing demanding degrees. Both can barely work but manage to bring in about £300pm for themselves.

His maintenance loan is the only part affected by your husband's income. If studying in London with high earning parents he will be getting £6,647pa.

Why on earth is he paying this to your husband and him then paying the uni?!! (interfering).

Sounds like your husband has control issues and not happy that his young adult son wants some independence.

Did you not sit down as a family and budget before he applied or accepted the place?

Your husband isn't giving him circa £1500 per month - he's already taken your son's £6647 maintenance loan - and they're only at uni for 8-9 months per year.

Your husband needs to give him control over his finances. The 3 of you need to sit down and create a budget. Your son needs to look at supplementing his income (loan).

I'm glad your son has had a blast and no longer isolated. But I wouldn't be too happy about the attitude.

I wouldn't generally worry about the attitude too much although I would take exception to ungrateful moaning about a holiday he chose. As for the money - he needs to get a job and to remember how bloody lucky he is to have his accommodation paid for and to be given spending money.

£500 a month is wild, that's more disposable income than I have! Absolutely don't give him any more on top of that. Is he mingling with a lot of very wealthy students who think it's normal to eat out and jump in taxis?

I think it's clear that this is the last family holiday but I'd also tell him to stop moaning and stick a smile on or you'll make him pay you back for the cost of it. You've paid for him to go and now he's ruining it for everyone else.

Your anxious, cautious sixth former has gone to uni, pushed himself to make friends and go out, and has got a girlfriend, and in doing so has discovered he enjoys clothes, going out and being sociable. That's great!! Your DH is finding that a bit scary, but he just needs to get used to it.

The money side of things is different You need to be clear on what you will be funding. Any extras he'll need to earn.