DS home from uni and attitude/ gone a bit off rails

[Lakesandmountainsaremything]

Posting here for traffic.

I need some advice WRT my DS(19). He is/ was a very sensible, caring boy who did really well at school/ sports/ hobbies. At 16 he got a p/t job and saved up about 2k. He’s always been a sensible, hardworking young man like his dad.

He just finished his first year at Uni and he seems to well….have had a blast!!

On the plus side he loves his course, has done really well in year 1, made amazing friends who he’s got a house share with for year 2 and found a girlfriend. Before this he never went out, and just did family stuff. I’m relieved he’s not calling me up lonely and stressed.

On the not so plus side; He’s come home for summer with an attitude. We are on an activity holiday of a lifetime and he says he’s bored, it’s too long, and he’s tired. There’s a week to go. He and his sibling picked the destination. It cost a lot of money as we thought it’d be one of our last family holidays. He had the option not to come! It seems he’d rather be home watching TV and calling GF.

Secondly, he seems to have blown all his savings on clothes (you wouldn’t believe the amount he’s bought), Justeat, and going out. I’ve heard him drop into conversations about food deliveries, hiring city scooters everywhere, taxis and eating out. He’s moving into a house next year and just asked my DH for extra money (after Uni fees, halls costs he has £500 a month) because he’ll have to pay bills.

My DH seems to be struggling with his new look and attitude and says I am enabling/ encouraging him but I see it differently. I see a teen boy who up till now had no social life and now has a great set of friends, a GF and goes the pub and clubbing. At 19 I didn’t give a shit about what my parents thought and spent every summer working abroad. I also did things they’ll never know about. I’ve also told DH that once away from halls of residence, it should calm down.

My DH is really struggling with the transition from daddy’s best mate to independent man and the way he’s emerging from the chrysalis but I think it’s kind of normal.

Who IBU here? Or more to the point, should I be trying to g to reign in DS’s behaviour if I can?

This - he's finding his independence, which is absolutely fine as long as he also finances it!

I’m not sure about the money sorry. All I know is that he has a loan, transfers it to my DH and he pays the tuition fees and rent and then he gives him £500 on the first day of the month. I know the loan my son has only covers some, not a big chunk of it. He doesn’t have full access to loads due to my DH’s salary.

I thought there were 2 separate elements to the loans, one part for fees then a maintenance element. Even at the highest level there is a minimum amount awarded. Am I missing something?

Why is he giving his loan to your DH? It's your son's loan, not DH's!
DS should keep all of his loan and work out how much he needs to earn part time to cover the rest (or DH could contribute something).

@Morgenrot25

Nope- parents are responsible for financing their DC's reasonable costs at uni, and the student loan system assumes they will do so.

OK so perhaps the money your DH gives him includes his maintenance loan?

It is an odd way to set it up. Maybe for next year your son could pay his own tuition fees with the money that the loans company gives him, keep his maintenance loan (if indeed he takes one) and your DH top up his maintenance money. He might feel more ownership of it this way and be more responsible with it. He might have needed more help as a fresher but he has found his feet now.

I mean what you're giving him is fine. But he's not living in the lap of luxury. The 500 will cover all food, transport, fun, phone, gym etc. I'm not saying you should be giving him more but he is not living like a king. He just sounds like a normal teenager, a tiny bit entitled and unrealistic, he'll grow up.

He should be getting a loan to pay fees - this goes direct to the uni, the student never sees that.
Then he should get a maintenance loan - the amount varies depending on household income, but everyone is entitled to the minimum which this year was about 4.7k (although you do get a bit more for studying in London).
Accommodation in London is ridiculously expensive so minimum loan won't go anywhere near that. And yes, bills are included in Hall fees, but are usually not included in private rental so will need paying on top.
£500/spending doesn't sound ridiculous for London, but with cutting back on takeaways etc, he may be able to cover bills as well but it will be tight.

The first summer holiday home is often a bit of a nightmare. It's hard adjusting back into family life after a year of independence. Your Ds will have changed a lot in a year and the holiday chosen pre-A levels is possibly not the one he would have chosen now. we certainly never did more than a week with ours once they were at uni. He shouldn't be moaning though.

I suggest when you get back, you familiarise yourself with the actual financial situation, and you all sit down together and work out some budgeting figures to see what the actual situation is. If more money is needed, perhaps your DS could look at getting a part ime job at uni, or working at home during hte holidays.

It wouldn't have occurred to me after I went to uni that my family might pay for me to come with them. If they had, and taken me to a destination of a lifetime, and let me choose it, I would've been grateful.
He's being very rude. He's young, but he is also an adult and has been living independently, so he needs to behave like one and you can treat him like one: you can absolutely tell him that it's not acceptable to be moaning about this holiday.

My eldest went to uni in London. There are some very rich students who go there and although he didn’t feel the need to keep up with them I can imagine that quite a few did.

honestly it sounds pretty normal for his first year. Most students struggle to slot back into family life after living independently, and certainly when I was at uni I wanted to spend my summers travelling and with friends not with my parents (and I mostly did).

the money is a separate issue. Treat it as such.

He needs a job.

@reversegear

It's simply not possible to work during term if you're doing an intense course at a top university.

In any event, in my view it is parents' responsibility to fund reasonable living costs. Particularly as the student loan system restricts the funding they can access if their parents have a high income.

The problem will be if his savings have been funding the excess so if he carries on the same next year he will go into debt. He will either need to cut down on taxis and takeaways etc or get a job in the holidays and term time.

Parents aren't actually under any legal obligation to support their children.
Basing the award on parental income is stupid, based on the above fact.

Well he is not 'independent man' is he, if he hasn't financially planned for next year. My kids had to get summer jobs to pay for the house deposit and summer month's rent at their 2nd year houses. Also complain about an expensive holiday he wanted and is not paying for us brattish! Incidentally my student daughter has insisted on paying her way on this year's family holiday

He needs to put in for his maintenance loan - and get a part time job - you sound lovely people but are enabling him somewhat. A part time job plus maintenance loan should give him the extra he needs.

@Seeline

I actually don't think it's possible at all to live on £500 a month in London to cover all living costs and bills.

Albeit, he needs to cut back on the takeaways etc as well as his parents helping him.

Having said that, the reference to scooters might be to Lime hire, which I don't think is a particularly expensive way of getting around?

@Morgenrot25

It may be stupid, but that is the system that exists. Parents are expected to support their DC through uni.

I do find it quite bizarre the idea some parents in the UK (or maybe just on here?) have that DC should just fend for themselves from 18.

That is not the case anywhere else in the world I have visited (from Asia to Spain).

I blew my student loan and savings on clothes and going out in first year too. My parents were very clear that they wouldn’t give me any more money than what they were already providing so I got a part time job to continue my social spending. Sounds completely normal to me, although I appreciate his attitude on the holiday is rude and hopefully he’ll snap out of it soon.

He needs a job in the holidays and a job during term time too. Somewhere local to where he’s living at uni or near where his lectures are so he doesn’t have to travel more. Even a few hours a week would boost his income and make sure he’s not spending?

It obviously isn’t the trip of a lifetime for him, and that’s ok. He has two options, join in and shut up, or stay in his room and let the rest of you have a good time. I’m sure your DH will see that as a waste of money, but the money is gone whatever, better you enjoy it than have to put up with him bringing everyone down.

When it comes to the mini break, be honest with him. If he will behave as he is now, you don’t want him to come.

The money is a bit more tricky, but again an honest conversation. If he has enough money to blow on designer clothes, then you can easily tell him you will be paying for his accommodation increased costs, but you rent funding a new wardrobe so his monthly spends will reduce and if he wants more he can get a job.

He is an adult so it should be possible to have adult conversations with him.

I never understand why SFE loan money is transferred into the parents account for them to pay rent, bills and provide money for food etc. I assume it is the £2,000 or so he had in savings that he spent on going out, clothes etc. He will not understand the real value of his money until you stop with the idea of £500 'spending money' from 'Dads' account. Also (too late I know) - we stopped with big family holidays once our DS left for Uni - Let them free a bit rather than still being dragged along with Mum and Dad.

Again, there is no legal obligation to support children through Uni.
Many parents do, but that's more about a moral obligation.
Lots of students take a couple of years out, get full-time holiday jobs and also part-time term jobs, in order to fund their own education.

Of course it’s not a legal obligation. But the student loan system is set up on the basis that parents will provide X amount a year. That’s why the maintenance loan is based on parents’ incomes.

OP, coming home from uni is a really strange spot. My first summer back after uni I was a nightmare. I’d gone from independence to do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted to having to abide by my parents routines. I’d be awake at 4am at uni, and went back to being told off if I was awake past 11pm!

So instead of working a summer job, he is going on 2 x free family holidays.

It would have been better if he had worked & saved
Or worked & gone on a holiday with his GF

He needs to start working