DS home from uni and attitude/ gone a bit off rails

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Posting here for traffic.

I need some advice WRT my DS(19). He is/ was a very sensible, caring boy who did really well at school/ sports/ hobbies. At 16 he got a p/t job and saved up about 2k. He’s always been a sensible, hardworking young man like his dad.

He just finished his first year at Uni and he seems to well….have had a blast!!

On the plus side he loves his course, has done really well in year 1, made amazing friends who he’s got a house share with for year 2 and found a girlfriend. Before this he never went out, and just did family stuff. I’m relieved he’s not calling me up lonely and stressed.

On the not so plus side; He’s come home for summer with an attitude. We are on an activity holiday of a lifetime and he says he’s bored, it’s too long, and he’s tired. There’s a week to go. He and his sibling picked the destination. It cost a lot of money as we thought it’d be one of our last family holidays. He had the option not to come! It seems he’d rather be home watching TV and calling GF.

Secondly, he seems to have blown all his savings on clothes (you wouldn’t believe the amount he’s bought), Justeat, and going out. I’ve heard him drop into conversations about food deliveries, hiring city scooters everywhere, taxis and eating out. He’s moving into a house next year and just asked my DH for extra money (after Uni fees, halls costs he has £500 a month) because he’ll have to pay bills.

My DH seems to be struggling with his new look and attitude and says I am enabling/ encouraging him but I see it differently. I see a teen boy who up till now had no social life and now has a great set of friends, a GF and goes the pub and clubbing. At 19 I didn’t give a shit about what my parents thought and spent every summer working abroad. I also did things they’ll never know about. I’ve also told DH that once away from halls of residence, it should calm down.

My DH is really struggling with the transition from daddy’s best mate to independent man and the way he’s emerging from the chrysalis but I think it’s kind of normal.

Who IBU here? Or more to the point, should I be trying to g to reign in DS’s behaviour if I can?

Just eat, what a big waste of money.

I was at uni 30 years ago. The vast majority of the people I knew didn’t have a job during term time. Our class schedules made it quite difficult to work. “Folk” are no more entitled now than they were when I was in my twenties.

This is weird as well, why does he transfer his loan to DH for DH to dish out? Is your son not trusted to pay for the rent etc himself directly?

Families of adults go on holiday together all the time. I’ve been on holidays with my parents and I’m in my 50s. What’s the problem with that? I’m sorry you didn’t enjoy spending time with your family, but many of us do.

@Cakeandusername I'm not sure they are paying him double. If he is paying his entire maintenance loan over to his dad and then receiving £500 pcm "back" to live on that is ballpark equivalent to what you are doing. OP is not sure of the finances so we can't be either, but if the £500 pcm is not over all 12 months it is potentially less to live on (excluding accommodation costs) than your daughter is getting outside London.

Tuition fee loan goes straight to uni.
It sounds like husband taking min maintenance loan off him (£6647) paying his £12,000 rent and giving £6000 spends.
Your sons income is a whopping £18,000 a year net. So you are topping him up by £11,353 a year.
I’d be pointing out to ds that he’s already getting way more than required contribution - you are only required to top up £6700 a year. You are paying him nearly double. He’s rolling in it compared to other students - max loan is £13,348 in London.
To be honest it’s probably lucky he’s spent it on clubbing, Ubers and takeaways, my dc had flatmates with overly generous parents and it went on drugs.

I read it as dad paying £12000 accommodation a year plus £500 a month spends. Dad taking min maintenance loan off him.

Just to echo many others, he needs to learn the value of money. He can't expect to waste it and just come to his parents for more. That's disrespectful of how much work it takes to earn it, and it's unsustainable for when he's standing fully on his own two feet. The time to learn to budget and deny himself things he can't afford is now. It's an important part of his education, I'd say. If he wants more money than needed to cover the basic necessities, he can work to earn it.

I had a part time job for 1 year at uni back in the 90s, but most people I knew didn't. We did all work over the summer but that's much more difficult now. My daughter spent hours trying to find work and going for interviews last summer and got nothing (and she's HCA trained, so I thought she'd find work easily). My still at school other daughter took months to find a part time bar job. Jobs are definitely not plentiful around here - quite a deprived area.

Now I'm confused. In an earlier post the OP says that the dad is paying £1000 per month to the halls for accommodation AND also giving DS £500 per month. So that's £1500 a month for accommodation in halls AND other spending.

I think

• your DH needs to understand that 'wild' DS is not very wild at all in comparison to many.
• that a 'wild' DS is infinitely preferable to an anxious, poor mental health DS who drops out of Uni feeling like a failure (the reality for plenty of parents)
• His brain is not yet fully developed and he is therefore self-centred
• It's absolutely normal for kids to push their parents away in order to fledge (some do this earlier, plenty at 19-24

At the same time

• DS needs to show gratitude for the trip and acknowledge that his moaning is spoiling a big treat for his dad
• DS needs to acknowledge that many kids get no help from parents at all
• If he feels like he needs even more (he gets a lot), DS needs to get a bar or cafe job which are, if not plentiful in London, then certainly much easier to get than elsewehre

There's loads of part time jobs available in most places.

yikes, you're right, my idea of hell. I'm in my 50s and I really don't like going on holiday with anyone much.

Folk definitely are.
Not sure why you're put an actual word in inverted commas.

I find this age and stage really difficult.

DS1 is also 19, and back home for the summer after 2 years of university. Of course he knows it all now, has mastered every aspect of life, and his humdrum home existence is all a bit rural and boring!

I find it really challenging dealing with a part-adult-part-child. Legally he's an adult, and as such can come and go as he pleases. But in many ways he's a still a child - financially dependent on me, and living in the family home in the holidays. I hate hate hate it when he goes out clubbing, gets wasted, and comes home crashing around at 5am. We argue about it - I say he's selfish, he says I'm controlling etc etc. It's a time in which they partly want to turn their back on their family and make their own decisions, but partly want to stay close because they're not really equipped for adult life.

One thing I will say though OP, is that I take a hard line on money. The uni summer holiday is ridiculously long, and whilst I'll pay for food, holidays etc, I flatly refuse to bankroll DS's social life when he's home for the summer. If he wants to go out with his mates, he has to earn the money to do it.

OP your DS is getting a huge amount of money. My DS's loan is entirely used up to pay his rent, and I give him £60/week to live. I do a big shop for him if I visit, but otherwise he has to make the £60 last. That's why he has a holiday job, so he can save up some extra cash for the term.

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable - it is possible for 2 things to be true at the same time. DS could be all of the positive things that you say he is, but can be acting like a dickhead atm. Your husband needs to work out his relationship with his son, it is not up to you to fix it for them.

That’s how I read it. So dad paying 1500 x 12 months = £18,000 a year (appreciate may only be 9 months if Op clarifies so eg £1500 x 9 =£13,500)
Dad is taking £6647 loan off him.
If dad only paying 9 months then top up about right.

I agree. We live quite rurally but even my 16 year old could, if he wanted to, work every day in hospitality. It's minimum wage, but the work is definitely there. And there are far more options once they turn 18.

I actually think the idea that happy well rounded young adults continue to love going on holiday with their parents is 'peak mums net'.

Your husband is the man your son will.listen to and grow into and your husband will lay down boundaries etc. Leave them to it.

I think that's nonsense. We don't grow into our parents.

Plus the OP's DH is struggling with the fact that his student son is no longer his 'best friend', and is the last person to be able to find the right blend of parental love and hands-off attitude needed around a former friendless dweeb who hung around with his father because he had no other people in his life, until that all changed.

You have to let your kids change. The best parent-adult child relationships are the ones where the parents don't insist that their 19 year old is still really the old self he's left behind.

@Tantomile

What is more peak mumsnet is this bizarre idea that DC should be out the door the minute they turn 18 and any financial or social obligations should end at that point.

I have older DC who are working and live independently, and we are just back from a week away. We also occasionally go to the pub or football together.

I was actually surprised to see so many 'multi-generational' groups at the destination we went to, so it seems to be becoming more popular.

Personally I like my DC (and hope they feel the same). I'd be very sad to have got to a situation where any time together is begrudged.

Exactly this.

It could be down to economic pressures. As far as my mum was concerned, once you were 16 you left school and started working and providing for the family, because that was how it was in her family, who had no money at all. We were not struggling quite as much, but for much of my childhood things were very hard.
She was not best pleased when I turned out to be quite academic and wanted to do A-levels and go to uni.

Quite possibly. Not where I live. Not all kids are entitled because they aren't working.