Invited to stay but have a bad feeling

[RueSaintHomme]

An old friend of 30 years invited me to stay with her some time ago and I booked the tickets last weekend. We haven’t spoken on the phone but the messages I’m receiving are short and abrupt. It’s a 12-hour journey each way (I don’t drive) and it’s like booking an AirBnB with a slightly frosty host.

I don’t feel as though I want to visit now, especially as I would be reliant on my friend for lifts from and to the station.

Should I make an excuse, explain that I feel uncomfortable or ghost?

YABU - go and risk feeling anxious
YANBU - cancel and say why/lie/ghost

You can’t judge tone from a text. Looking back at texts with my sister, who I’m very close with, they can be one word, or several paragraphs depending on what we’re doing.

Don’t start with the “I’m feeling uneasy” line as that is putting your assumptions on her. Just send a final “just doing a final check to see if you’re still ok to visit, Happy to take a rain check if not.”

I wouldn't go personally.

I can reschedule the tickets and book a city break somewhere else in the UK by myself, with a shorter journey time. If my ‘friend’ is feeling stressed, tired of hosting people, worried about cleaning, food costs, giving me lifts, thinks I’m a CF etc. they will be relieved. I don’t feel like this about any other friends.

I wouldn't make myself sound like a flake who cancels on friends to protect her feelings. It's better for OP to tell her friend she is not coming because her friend's messages are off and she's getting the sense it's not a good time for her to visit.

I hooked up with a friend I hadn't seen in 25 years and it was amazing. She flew out to me as I was living in Spain and it was like we'd never lost touch and we're still good friends. Sometimes these things are great, sometimes not. Worth a try - but research an exit strategy in case needed.

This.

I can't understand why people will not just actually speak to their friends/family and gauge the situation. You don't get proper vibes from texts, emails etc.

None of us know her, the OP hasn't seen her in a decade and so we don't know if the messages are a sign of rudeness, reluctance to host the OP or just her style or a result of her busy life.

It would be beyond unreasonable to ghost a friend of 30 years who has invited you to stay, engaged in making arrangements and is expecting you to what ... not turn up at the station when she is expecting you and not return phone calls?

Really it deserves a phone call to check in, properly gauge tone and each be honest about whether you do want to see one another or whether the friendship has had it's time and neither of you can be bothered with the journey or the hosting.

But failing that, make a polite excuse and cancel if you don't want to go

Covid is rampant where I am and I wouldn’t want anyone with it visiting me for any length of time.

It’ll end when people stop spreading it 🤷‍♀️

Because sometimes people say what they think others want to hear, when put on the spot with a phone call. she could say, 'No, no, definitely come' and not mean it. Then they are both stuck with the hassle and expense of going through with a weekend together that neither of them wants. This may be a peculiarly English thing but it is a common problem. OP has read between the lines that the friend for whatever reason feels hassled by the visit and now she too doesn't fancy the effort and expense. So an easy get out would just be to say that she's unable to make it. If the friend follows up on this and asks why and can we reschedule - then might be the time to call and explain. But if they say 'No problem' and leave it at that, all is fine without any difficult chat.

Going against the grain here, I think you’re overthinking. As someone who frequently hosts, and also has a very busy life, I will often only send quite short messages in the run up to a friend staying - because I’ve got a lot on, and would rather ask a direct question about plans rather than go around the houses. This doesn’t mean I don’t want them to visit, it’s just different communication styles. You are inferring an awful lot from her messages, I’m assuming there’s a back story here about her behaviour as it seems you are looking for a reason to bin your visit. Ghosting is pathetic behaviour. Either advise her that your plans have changed and you won’t be visiting as planned, or directly ask her if it’s still convenient for you to come. This seems a lot of fuss over nothing. A decent friendship should not need lots of reassurance over text when presumably the fact she invited you to stay should show you she values the friendship.

My thoughts are that she has some kind of financial anxiety going on as sending the message about splitting food costs is so rude and bizarre when you have hosted her in the past. If she had explained that and kindly suggested it then you would have felt more welcome. I would agree to cancel, 4 nights is such a long time if not a relaxed and comfortable environment. I agree with a PP's suggestion along the lines that you sense it might not be good timing and let's reschedule.

Pick up the phone and call her for goodness sake. Hear her voice, why does everything have to be over message these days?

2 relatives of mine were very poorly with covid for 2 weeks last month.

That idea of this as a lie has already been suggested!

When the fuck will people stop using this clearly transparent and irritating excuse?

Life is far too short for all this. I admire you for deciding not to go, the visit sounds like torture. Go with your gut feelings and don't give it too much head space. You will be so relieved.

I'd just send a message saying something like "Anne, I can't make it to yours due to a family emergency. Maybe you'd like to visit me in my town at some future point that's suitable for both of us (she won't). Apologies for the short notice. All the best. Sarah"

That's not what I meant.

I meant that covid is still going around and that people are still getting very ill with it.

Reading between the lines here, I don’t think you are over-thinking at all.

I think she is meaning to put you off. We can only guess at the reason but things can and do change in ten years.
Seems to me she has suddenly gone from encouraging the visit to discouraging it without wanting to fully explain. However, the message about going halves on food is a good enough clue. She’s maybe fallen on hard times or is fed up of others abusing her ‘sweetness and light’ hospitality, so fired a warning message.

I think you would both be relieved to call it off. So go for it OP.
‘Sorry this is so last minute, but I’m just not feeling up to travelling for now and thought it better to let you know as soon as possible so that you have time to make other plans. All the best.’

I voted YABU because you gave as a choice either a) go + feel uncomfortable, or b) cancel/ghost etc. With c) - ie pick up the phone and talk with your friend - not appearing

Reschedule train straightaway.
On day you’re ‘expected’ with ‘friend’, just call & say a family members had an accident & uve been @ a&e all the previous night & obvs can’t take this break.
Cut yourself off from then on. As i believe you’ve said, many friendships fade out (some even get ‘divorced’!).

What’s her financial situation like? The talk about splitting costs makes me wonder if she’s struggling a bit and genuinely can’t afford to host. I do think communication is key. I’d send a message saying you understand if she’d rather you didn’t come. Give her an out and see if she takes it.

Why don't you just ring her and say what was suggested in that earlier post about getting the sense she's not keen on your visit and you just wanted to check whether it was a bad time, if so happy to cancel? Then gauge her reaction? She may be super stressed at the moment, for example preoccupied about money, but keen to see you. If you don't want to take the risk that she says no come anyway and it is awkward that's fine, but it seems a shame to give up on a friendship without verifying the situation.

I'm sorry, I still don't understand why texts are more valid than speech for understanding nuance and why lying is better than truth.

I wonder how we older people managed before electric communication.

I suppose I'm a dinosaur not understanding modern communications and why apparently dissembling is thought to be more appropriate than telling the truth.

Indeed. The skill of having an honest conversation with a friend of many years' standing seems beyond some people. Instead, let's discuss it with a bunch of armchair detectives/psychologists on the internet.

reasonably priced booking somewhere like booking.com that you can cancel really close to the date if everything works out OK?

I can’t believe you are 50 and so immature. Who books a whole trip without seeing or speaking to someone in 10 years??