Invited to stay but have a bad feeling

[RueSaintHomme]

An old friend of 30 years invited me to stay with her some time ago and I booked the tickets last weekend. We haven’t spoken on the phone but the messages I’m receiving are short and abrupt. It’s a 12-hour journey each way (I don’t drive) and it’s like booking an AirBnB with a slightly frosty host.

I don’t feel as though I want to visit now, especially as I would be reliant on my friend for lifts from and to the station.

Should I make an excuse, explain that I feel uncomfortable or ghost?

YABU - go and risk feeling anxious
YANBU - cancel and say why/lie/ghost

Yes - I visited a friend in Scandinavia last year and we hadn’t met face to face for 20 years. I had a great time and we are in almost daily contact.

I think there’s probably another word which could describe some “mumsnetters.” But if we’re going with armchair detectives or psychologists, I’d love to know which one you class yourself as?

Oh give over, what were you suggesting telling OP your relative had Covid, just randomly thought OP may catch it? You were suggesting she say she’s got it, as a lie excuse.

@deadpantrashcan in this thread - neither. Where the OP has a problem that can't be progressed by simply picking up the phone and having a heart-to-heart with an old friend - happy to play either role.

You appear to be very triggered by Covid 🤷‍♀️

Trust your gut, politely decline and keep your distance.

Could you not meet halfway? Neutral ground

RTFT! OP literally says it in her original post!

We're all here to give opinions. Nothing 'het up' about it!

No it’s the lies I’m triggered by..

Don’t want to do something, tell the truth.

Lies and particularly the Covid one is irritating and transparent.

Some people find telling lies easier than others, but once I’ve caught you out in a lie, I’ll assume everything is questionable until it’s proven as truth.

Oh, and time you got over Covid, it’s really not a biggie anymore.

I’m not going to say I have Covid. I had it once before tests were invented and I don’t want to jinx myself.

Oh ok. So your original comment was just to express your dismay at, in your opinion, OPs lack of skill set? Classic 🥰

And?

Her friend is being rude and hostile to her.
So what if she tells her a lie?
Who cares?

Who are you?
The truth police?
ICE?

I don’t want to meet halfway at this point. I realise I’m rude, a CF, not a good friend, immature, inconsiderate, anxious, timid, etc. but I don’t want to go. I want to feel welcomed, not tolerated as an inconvenience. I don’t think that’s too much of an ask.

So! My opinion is to lie isn’t necessary, I’m not the lie police, it’s my opinion.

You carry on telling lies if you want… it’s a bad trait, but do what you want and encourage your children to do the same obviously. Don’t be teaching them to be honest and tell people the truth about how they feel they’re being treated. And if they’re called out on it, do tell them to tell whoever it is, teacher, friend, colleague in the future, that they are not the lie police 🤦‍♀️. Great parenting.

Why not go for 'Sorry, im not going to make the visit after all. Some personal stuff going on'. Not a lie, because you do - her. If she asks what stuff just tell her you don't want to message about it and will talk when you eventually catch up in person. Then just slow fade contact with her.

So what have you messaged her?

Have you let her know you’re not coming, I keep checking back for an update, I really am intrigued to your friends response

This issue isn't about parenting.

Have the last word.

You obviously need it.

I may be way off with this response, si forgive me if this is not you!
I have a friend who is .... needy is not the right term, and I honestly can't think what is.... needs constant reassurance and validation???
Anyways, she was coming to stay with me for a long weekend in May and I was inundated with messages in the weeks before, to which I eventually started answering in few words. Staying with a friend offering free board and lodgings in the seafront shouldn't be so difficult 🤨
I'm open and welcoming to everyone, but when it becomes hard work,I'm afraid I resort to blunt replies.

No it’s about condoning lies, which you think is ok.

I don't think you are any one of those things, OP. Go with your instinct, don't go, and then carry on with the rest of your life

I hope, when you do get away, it's exactly what the Dr ordered.

Are you five years old

Why is it too much of an ask for you to phone her to clarify? Honestly OP how do you get on with anything in life?

As I’ve got older, I find it much easier to say I’m not doing this or that and just don’t do it!
Theres two ways of getting out of it.

You could message and say you are getting the feeling that you are not really welcome, and as it’s such a long trip, you have decided to cancel. You hope there’s nothing wrong and you will keep in touch.

Or, you could just say somethings come up and you are no longer able to visit, hope you haven’t inconvenienced her.

Either way, life is too short…

It’s perfectly ok for you to say “I get the feeling that you are no longer keen on me visiting so I’ve cancelled my travel plans, perhaps we can catch up another time.”
Then leave it.
And obviously don’t catch up again.

You will feel better for being honest I think.