Invited to stay but have a bad feeling

[RueSaintHomme]

An old friend of 30 years invited me to stay with her some time ago and I booked the tickets last weekend. We haven’t spoken on the phone but the messages I’m receiving are short and abrupt. It’s a 12-hour journey each way (I don’t drive) and it’s like booking an AirBnB with a slightly frosty host.

I don’t feel as though I want to visit now, especially as I would be reliant on my friend for lifts from and to the station.

Should I make an excuse, explain that I feel uncomfortable or ghost?

YABU - go and risk feeling anxious
YANBU - cancel and say why/lie/ghost

Better hope that her friend who she's so concerned is short of cash hasn't forked out on food and entertainment for her visit then.

I get it, I often regret making plans and want a way to wriggle out of it but if I've already committed I learn from the experience but put on my big girl pants and go because being a flake is not fair on a friend.

Ohkay

You've agreed with someone's comment on here that she's rude and that you feel intimidated by her...it sounds like you're not really friends anymore - and that's ok. Friendships don't need to last forever or be long lasting but it's nice if they are. Just use some of the wording some of the responders have suggested, call or message her and don't go. It'll be a weight off your mind and maybe hers too.

Unwatch the thread.

Aren’t you a charmer? Bad day?

7

She’s away until the day before what was going to be my arrival date, so I doubt it.

Messages are always so open to interpretation and misinterpretation. A good old phone call would be so much easier to find out if she's still ok to have you to stay. I think people forget how to use one sometimes.

Instead of travelling to visit her an alternative would be for you both to meet halfway & just spend the day together..... catching up Dave to face.
Then you can both commit to more if the meet up goes well.

Sorry that should read face to face

I’m not sure why you brought this to MN. You’ve not really explained why you can’t just talk to your friend. You insist you are polite and not timid but then you go on to discuss ghosting, letting her down last minute, being convinced she’s thinking all sorts of things, being scared of telling her. All of this screams rude and timid 🫤

Could she have sent the message about going halves on shopping and cooking as a response to you saying you'll do all the cooking (as she's working)? So this may have worried her she's on the hook for all the shopping costs? Just something that occurred to me, don't know the sequence of these comments in your 'conversation' (as it were).

As another poster said, I often get cold feet about plans I've made and especially when they involve significant travel and staying with others as it can be a bit uncomfortable being on someone else's turf - even when they're 100% welcoming.

In this situation I would ask her. I know you've decided you don't want to go so obviously do as you wish, but I'd just say what was posted in the message scoping this out (I think it was the first paragraph text suggested, can't seem to scroll back to see who posted it). Lightly state you're worried it's not a good time, float the idea of not coming and you being totally ok with that, and let her respond. Yes, by message if you're not comfortable phoning (I hate phone calls at the best of times). Life can get in the way and texts misconstrued, I know all too well. Just give her the chance to take you up on cancelling or insist that you come. If she's away until the day before you come she may be feeling super stressed about preparing but may a) want and be willing to prep and have you stay despite the effort she needs to make or b) immediately jump on your suggestion of postponing or cancelling all together.

You're not the bad guy, maybe she isn't either, maybe just crossed wires and unfortunate timing. I'd try to scope it out a bit more, but if you just don't want to go now then rip the plaster off as a PP says and I'm sure you'll feel better that it's resolved in any way.

How strange that you've been 'friends' for 30 years and don't seem able to pick up the phone and speak to her.

That you're prepared to ghost her - rather than talk things through - tells me you don't care much about this 'friendship' at all.

Save her the hassle and don't go

If I had a friend arriving the day after I got home from somewhere I'd have a big online order booked to cater for them.

@RueSaintHomme I would really suggest phoning her. Things can so easily be misconstrued over text - obviously it’s difficult to judge the content as you understandably don’t want to give too many details here but it sounds like this has the potential to be down to different messaging styles. Perhaps short messages are typical for her, perhaps she’s busy, or perhaps she really is being rude to put you off - though the fact that she extended the invitation and then agreed to a date for you to book your travel may suggest otherwise.

What’s interesting is you’ve both made some fairly big initial steps towards rekindling a friendship - one extending and one accepting a fairly big invitation (this is much more than just meeting for coffee). It might be a shame to throw that away without being more certain of her feelings. If she does tend towards short text responses, a tactfully-approached phone call might be more illuminating than a message either querying whether she still wants you to come or just making your excuses.

Like some other posters I found some of your posts a bit conflicting - e.g. you’ve decided you’re not going but then that you don’t want to let her down by cancelling. I do sense anxiety there (I say this as an anxious person myself), perhaps generating a little projection. Like you say, you’ve not really spent time
with her for ten years - can you be confident of her feelings based on the texts you’ve had? If you close this down, I think you’ll get a response that appears to confirm your current assumptions - either your friend will be blunt because that’s how she always is, or she’ll be blunt because she feels let down. That approach will probably mean the friendship won’t develop further in future, which may well be more than ok with you. But if you want to get a more accurate picture of what your friend is feeling, it’s probably worth a conversation.

I have a really close friend who’s texts messages are one word answers and thumbs up, it frequently gives me anxiety that she’s being off but in person she’s so lovely, I don’t think she realises. I think you may be reading too much into her messages and should try a phone call. That also being said I once had a gut feeling about going on a trip and it was a disaster, I wish I hadn’t gone and listened to my gut. I think I would prob ring and if she’s the same, I would cancel.

How could she make OP’s life difficult though?

OP says ‘I’m feeling uncomfortably like I might be imposing on you as I’ve noticed you have been very short with me’.

her friend replies however she wants to.

OP responds to the reply in whatever way she wishes.

either friendship is over or it continues more comfortably.

I very much doubt her friend will travel 12 hours to confront her in person which is the only scenario in which I can fathom she might be able to ‘make her life difficult’

Personally I would say go with your instincts. If it does not feel right why do it.?

Because feelings aren't facts.

The OP has read hostility intk messages but hasn't actually taken the initiative to pick up the phone and talk things through with her 'friend'.

If the train is flexible then you could leave early?
you also have family living nearby to go and visit for a break if needed.
i’d text to ask for a video call to discuss rough itinerary-if they are working you can arrange to visit relatives or at least get an idea of her enthusiasm.
as 4 days if 12 hours travel at start and end is only really 2 or 3 days in their company (depending of you mean 4 days or 4 nights)

This is such a well articulated, empathetic response.

OP - have you spoke to your friend yet?

Because nobody ever does something they aren’t entirely sure about then has second thoughts….