Invited to stay but have a bad feeling

[RueSaintHomme]

An old friend of 30 years invited me to stay with her some time ago and I booked the tickets last weekend. We haven’t spoken on the phone but the messages I’m receiving are short and abrupt. It’s a 12-hour journey each way (I don’t drive) and it’s like booking an AirBnB with a slightly frosty host.

I don’t feel as though I want to visit now, especially as I would be reliant on my friend for lifts from and to the station.

Should I make an excuse, explain that I feel uncomfortable or ghost?

YABU - go and risk feeling anxious
YANBU - cancel and say why/lie/ghost

Don’t make an excuse. You’ve been friends for a long time, talk to her fgs!
”Hi friend. Just checking you’re still happy for me to visit? Some off your messages seem a little bit off and you don’t seem to be looking forward to the visit. If it’s a bad time or you’re not up to it, I can cancel and we will catch up another time, it’s absolutely fine. I’d hate to impose. Xx”
simple. Don’t make up a cock and bull story about being ill. That might liss her off even more, she might have kept the week free for you and be left in the lurch!

I was completely happy to share costs - I don’t visit anyone with the expectation that they will provide food and cook for me. Yes, messages have always been brief. I suppose old friendships run their course.

Could you do a FaceTime call, test the water?

If you don’t go, could it be that you never see her again in person?

She hasn’t kept the week free but that’s good wording and it’s better said now than at the time. Thanks.

She isn’t talking about ghosting so no need to get het up about it.

Yep, this. No need for a dramatic heart to heart, it's not a made for TV movie.

If you send her this message and she replies and says Oh no, so sorry, was looking forward to seeing you - you can reschedule.

I did mention ghosting in my OP. I don’t want a confrontation.

Yikes! I agree with the other poster—that would be wrong. And absurd.

To me, ghosting would be despicable.

It's odd that you don't mention a third option, which seems obvious to me. I'd telephone her and say, Hey, I'm starting to feel uneasy about your short replies. Since this visit would be a big trek for me, would it be easier to re-schedule for another time, if you have too much going on at the moment?

I’m starting to feel uneasy about your short replies. Since this visit would be a big trek for me, I’ve decided not to make the long journey.

That’s the truth.

How long are you staying for? She may be thinking you are thinking of staying for a longer period than she is comfortable with. Has the length of your stay been discussed?

4 nights - which is a short stay for such a long journey.

The problem with the notion of telling people the truth, politely, is the idea that everyone or even most people respond well to honesty or want any sort of discussion about many situations.

OP seems like a nervous person to me, who hates confrontation. If her friend is at all confrontational then asking her to have a heart to heart is cruel and pointless.

The reality is that a lot of situations are better not to be discussed, just avoided, and that is a less harmful outcome in many situations.

That doesn't fit in with the soap opera therapy theme of recent times, but it's just as likely that OPs friend will be pissed off as she will be up for a chat about it all. We don't know these people.

There's a great phrase that so many should incorporate into their lives "Least said soonest mended".

So, OP, if YOU think she'll make your life difficult for asking her about what's going on, then don't do it. But if YOU think she will be up for an honest chat, then do that.

Obviously, you can't just not go, but the "friend" has not taken time off work, so it's absolutely fine to just cancel and give an excuse. Hurting literally nobody.

It's completely and totally fine to tell white lies at certain times. This might be one of those times.

Four nights is perfectly reasonable. She sounds pretty rude really.

Thank you. I’m not an especially nervous person but I don’t want to have a phone conversation.

Listen to your instinct. Just don’t ghost.

Say you’ve tested positive for covid.

She is - a 600 mile round trip for 4 nights and I’m getting short, abrupt responses and thumbs up emojis. I work very long hours and I take the time to write friendly responses to people.

Are you generally an anxious person OP? I didn’t see anything in your friend’s messages that suggest she doesn’t want to see you. She’s still making arrangements with you and clarifying details. Some people just have very direct messaging styles. I think she’d probably be very surprised you were considering not going, I know I would.

Although it’s all good and well to message her asking if she really is okay with you visiting, humans have a tendency to pretend it is so trust your gut and cancel. As above, I’d say I’ve got Covid. And no one wants Covid 😬

Op if you've booked travel why not go, have a couple of nights with her and then a couple of nights elsewhere seeing or doing something.

Shes maybe nervous over how's the 4 days going to go. 10 years is a long time.
Maybe next time she comes to you or meet in the middle

Not at all - I have visited friends in other countries with complete confidence that they will pick me up from the airport as they’ve said they would. I just feel uneasy and I can’t pinpoint why. The messages are quite formal and unfriendly.

You know this person is moody, they haven't exactly made you feel welcome by calling to make plans, concerned about your long journey. If you did go, it'll probably be the last time you see them anyway.

Some people are bad at messaging, but great in person or on the phone. I can be a bit like that and so can some of my friends. Maybe just give her a ring before deciding whether or not to go? There was clearly a reason you accepted the invitation in the first place…

What would you be doing during the visit?

If the idea is that you'd be doing local activities with your friend, that's different from you sightseeing alone & just using her place as a base, & different again from the purpose being for the two of you to just hang out & catch up on the friendship.

I'd be minded, depending on the above, to send a quick message giving her the opportunity to rain check - 'hi Sarah, just checking this week is definitely convenient? If it's not ideal no worries, let me know so I don't book travel & we can re-arrange dates?'

& if it isn't convenient, it sounds like you're not really feeling the friendship anymore, so you can just let things slide from there.