Invited to stay but have a bad feeling

[RueSaintHomme]

An old friend of 30 years invited me to stay with her some time ago and I booked the tickets last weekend. We haven’t spoken on the phone but the messages I’m receiving are short and abrupt. It’s a 12-hour journey each way (I don’t drive) and it’s like booking an AirBnB with a slightly frosty host.

I don’t feel as though I want to visit now, especially as I would be reliant on my friend for lifts from and to the station.

Should I make an excuse, explain that I feel uncomfortable or ghost?

YABU - go and risk feeling anxious
YANBU - cancel and say why/lie/ghost

Yes, quite possibly but her social media posts have a cheery and positive tone. So she is capable of being friendly and pleasant.

That was me last week when I had planned visitors but after a couple of days of cleaning I decided they were coming to see me, not a show home.

Did you ever find out what was up with her?

Of course I know about splitting costs - I’m in my 50s. I’m shocked that someone who knew me would even ask.

That’s good, because I’m not going to be in her life.

Why on earth would you ghost her. You must COMMUNICATE. A simple text to say ‘Hi. Just wanted to check that you’re still up for me coming to visit. Please be honest … I know how busy life can get and we can always reschedule if this isn’t a good time.’

No one travels 12 hours in the UK by public transport for a four day trip to cadge free food and lodging from a friend.

I would just text and say: I'm really sorry, but our planned visit isn't going to work out for me, after all. Hope you have a good summer.

You've not met several members of my family.

Personally I hate staying with other people, except very close family - and even then only certain members. I'd always rather book a bnb.

Exactly this.

If you're too intimidated to sit and have a normal conversation or wassap video conference with her pre-trip were you make plans, talk places to visit and share the excitement then this is not going to work out because you're going to spend the trip walking on egg shells around her. I do think you both are being abit akward.

Definitely cancel, giving a non-committal “something’s come up” reason. And I do like the idea of a previous poster that you could use some of the tickets to go halfway to the destination and then stay one night in an interesting town or city. One night in a B&B wouldn’t cost more than you’d have been spending going 50/50 with your (ex)friend.

Best to do this over a phone call, but if you don't have the courage, send this today:

Dear friend, I have an uneasy feeling about my visit to you, and I'm wondering if it would suit us both best if we cancel for now and reschedule when we're both feeling more energised? Its such a long journey for me, and 4 nights is a lot to expect of you to host me for when we haven't seen each other in so long.
I apologise for not giving more notice. I hope you are well and happy xx

No lies, polite, gives her a chance to respond if she wants.

Op, you should really have spoken to her via the phone. You have very little to actually go on besides the transactional stuff related to the stay. All this stressing and anxiety over a mini break isn’t healthy.

it’s a mountain out of a molehill… can’t believe you’ve managed to create a whole thread on it yet can’t pick up the phone to your “friend”

These threads are so frustrating. Why don't you just speak to her? No one can infer anything with short messages. So much angst that could be solved by just picking up the phone and having a chat!

From personal experience I would definitely ring her or be direct via message.

I recently had this with a friend who was coming to stay, unfortunately one of my messages read harsher than meant and she assumed that I didn't want her here so she cancelled and I spent weeks wondering what I had done wrong. That particular week there was a lot going on on my life and my messages weren't as cheery as usual.

You can always word it that you are getting the feeling she would rather you didn't go, there's no harm being direct, I'm certainly going to be after that incident with myself.

Crikey, my initial impression was don't be a baby but shit, pays to read the FT. It'd be a hard no from me too. Your instincts are, I bet, spot on.

Message her now. Be succinct and clear like pp have said... Hi, long trek for me, would love to see you sometime but i think now might not be the best time. Let's raincheck. Hope you're okay x. Then you'll get a thumbs up to your intentionally elusive message and you'll never see or hesr from her again. Which I suspect you're both okay with. Done.

Good luck OP.

abs12 "Crikey, my initial impression was don't be a baby but shit, pays to read the FT"

what have you seen in the FT? I saw your post and thought there must have been a significant update, but no.

so confused why people don't just talk to each other

Is she still going to be at work every day? Just message and say "Hi x, I get the impression from messages the trip to visit is maybe not the best idea so have decided on a rain check. Take care." I wouldn't even add about seeing or catching up another time, just type it and send it and move on without worrying. You dont even need to speak to or see her ever again.

Are you both able to use a phone? If so, phone her up. It's far better than messaging. If one of you has hearing problems then maybe a Teams call with captions could work.

Everything is weird about this scenario. OP you keep insisting she is rude and you are polite but you are planning to pull out last minute from a holiday based on your perception she doesn’t want you. But without the common courtesy of COMMUNICATING your concern.

you haven’t seen her in 10 years. She might have a brief and abrupt text manner. She might be totally flummoxed by what will come across to her as rude when you just suddenly say ‘yeah I’m not feeling it. I’m bailing’ when she has no idea her text manner has freaked you out.

How do you keep any friends if you’ve this opposed to communication

I don't understand how you can possibly think you're "very polite" when you're seriously contemplating ghosting someone who has invited you to stay for four days. That would be staggeringly rude!

Struggling to see what you have read on this thread as to me this is a ridiculous mountain out of a molehill.
The "friend" has sent short to the point texts, nothing wrong with that but the OP has managed to get all anxious about it.

If you don’t intend to see her again then I’d say what some of the PP’s have - that it sounds like she’s got a lot on and now’s probably not the best time to visit so you should probably reschedule etc - it lets her know where you stand with her tone (deliberate or unintentional) and may make her reflect how she treats ppl if she genuinely wanted you to stay. She may be offhand and abrupt it’s quicker to reply that way and pop let her.

I’d also be tempted to point out that you seem more enthusiastic than she does so you’re worried it’s a bad time. It opens up the possibility for her to apologise and explain if something’s going on, in which case you can genuinely reschedule or at least remain friends, even offering her some moral support - she could have an ill parent, job/financial difficulties, be on the brink of divorce etc, which may explain her tone.

If she writes a rude reply THEN is the time to block and forget all about her.

Good luck

"Hi Friend I've decided it would be better to cancel the visit. Your messages have been abrupt, and its reminded me that at times you can be rude and that when you are, it's not relaxing or enjoyable for me. All the best Rue."

Go on, I dare you! You'll be amazed how liberating it is to stand up for yourself, tell the truth, and give up faffing about thinking up tactful excuses to be polite to people who don't reciprocate.