Invited to stay but have a bad feeling

[RueSaintHomme]

An old friend of 30 years invited me to stay with her some time ago and I booked the tickets last weekend. We haven’t spoken on the phone but the messages I’m receiving are short and abrupt. It’s a 12-hour journey each way (I don’t drive) and it’s like booking an AirBnB with a slightly frosty host.

I don’t feel as though I want to visit now, especially as I would be reliant on my friend for lifts from and to the station.

Should I make an excuse, explain that I feel uncomfortable or ghost?

YABU - go and risk feeling anxious
YANBU - cancel and say why/lie/ghost

This actually happened to me in 1997 with much older relative and I totally agree

OP I wouldn’t go.

i didn’t want to go to America in 1997 on holiday with my mum to stay with her cousin. I was 27 at the time and living at home. One of my older great aunts put huge pressure on me to go which I think in hindsight was hugely unfair - I got bullied and humiliated by my mum’s cousin and it left a bad taste in my mouth. It was interesting seeing the country - Canada as it happens - but I just wish I hadn’t gone because I could’ve gone to Canada with people I really valued later in life rather than this miserable experience

i think the main problem tbh was still living at home. I wish I’d moved out much sooner

You're not any of those things. You are a person. Why shouldn't you feel welcome?

Don’t ghost anyone. Especially not if you are meant to be visiting them. It’s incredibly rude and a really horrible thing to do. Either make an excuse and then distance yourself gently. Or send a check in message.

You are getting a very hard time OP.
People love to give a kicking to OP's.
A short message that you can no longer visit.
Don't stress over it, just don't go.
Reschedule your booking for something you would enjoy.
You sound lovely.
Life is too short for such effort when someone is so abrasive.
Couldn't be arsed entertaining it at all.

Perhaps because she’ll personally attack me and ask how I get on with anything in life. Which will leave me feeling worse than I already do.

I'm confused, why are you so sure it's suddenly a bad idea to visit? She's probably busy preparing for your visit and doesn't have as much time for chatty messages? Why would she invite you, say the dates you suggested were fine then start being mean to put you off?

She might be short of money and worried about food/petrol costs.

You still haven’t messaged her? But you were awake early worrying about it. Do yourself a favour and rip off the plaster before you have another bad night.

no lies, just an honest - “I’m picking up from your messages that my visit perhaps isn’t something you’re enthusiastic about. I really don’t want to impose so I think it’s best I cancel now rather than mess you around nearer the time”

done. Then you’ve given plenty of notice so she hasn’t shopped and cleaned and there still room for her to clear the air if she is just very stressed and doesn’t realise how she’s coming across.

i do think 4 nights is a long visit though (appreciating that your journey is long too).

Really surprised by some of the posts. OP sounds a bit neurotic, but generally nice. Her friend sounds flaky, unpleasant and hard work.

OP does not own her friend an explanation. Telling her via text that the visit is off is more than enough, and its perfectly normal not to go into details, especially as it seems this is not really a "friendship" worth continuing.

She might. Or she might be unwell. Or she might be busy planning loads of fun for you both. I would ask her.
She obviously likes you or she wouldn't have invited you. She could have made something up when you suggested dates if she wasn't keen. Is there anything other than short messages that's worrying you? Because there could be any number of reasons for those that aren't that she doesn't want you to visit.

OP, drop it. Text her you are not coming and forget she exists.

Can you just take some form of action?

Your updates are no update at all.

The writing is on the wall, loud and clear.

If she's like this now, imagine what it will be like captured on her territory.

Is this a joke?

If it's not, then why would your friend do that to you? Who invited you to stay?

I am so confused right now.

Just message and apologise, saying you'll no longer be able to make it for the planned visit. That rips the platter off. If she replies asking why then you can cross that bridge in what ever time scale and with whatever reason you want, but at least she knows and can plan accordingly.

I’ve just finished work and I have a severe migraine. Sorry for not updating quickly enough.

I was referring to the post from @party4you. No, it’s not a joke. It’s trivial in the grand scheme of things but slightly upsetting to read all the unpleasant comments. Thank you to everyone who has made helpful suggestions.

Can you share a screenshot or transcription of the messages that have upset you? I'm genuinely confused how you've got the idea that your friend who invited you to stay, and that you liked enough to travel that far to see has decided she doesn't like you and is letting you know by sending terse messages. Messages that are so bad you considered ghosting her.

If she were she wouldn’t have invited you.

OP just doesn't want to go anymore and is looking for an excuse. Nothing wrong with that, just tell her you can't make it. Job done.

Phone and offer to get a b and b and a taxi !

If you feel uneasy with how her messages sounded, just message her saying, something has come up and you won’t be able to visit. It will be a relief for you.

I’m sorry about my previous reply now. I’ve read your update. This isn’t a friend. Just either

1. send her or offer the tickets
2. message if you feel up to it ‘Susan on reflection I feel I have made the wrong decision in offering to come and see you, we aren’t really that close any more and I can see it’s an imposition on you clearly now -all the best’
3. or hi Susan I’m really sorry something has come up and I can’t make it next weekend would you like the tickets to go with someone else? Apologies

Gosh, you’re getting a hard time on here OP, I’m sorry. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with letting her know you’re dipping out in the circumstances, whether you tell her the truth or a white lie. It’s awful being stuck somewhere and not feeling welcome. Hope the migraine is better soon

OP, there is nothing worse than feeling like an unwelcome houseguest. 'Hey X, after all our planning, I'm afraid I can't visit next week. Unfortunately, I've put my back out and I'm in for a few weeks of discomfort. I'll be in touch properly when I'm back on my feet properly.' Honestly, life is FAR too short for unpleasant visits. There is absolutely no need to start a deep and meaningful honest conversation with your friend, it doesn't sound as though she would welcome it. Perhaps while she cares about you, she finds having visitors stressful, or a financial strain. Regardless, she is not sending out vibes that anyone here would hope to get from a potential host. Give herself and yourself an out now.