Invited to stay but have a bad feeling

[RueSaintHomme]

An old friend of 30 years invited me to stay with her some time ago and I booked the tickets last weekend. We haven’t spoken on the phone but the messages I’m receiving are short and abrupt. It’s a 12-hour journey each way (I don’t drive) and it’s like booking an AirBnB with a slightly frosty host.

I don’t feel as though I want to visit now, especially as I would be reliant on my friend for lifts from and to the station.

Should I make an excuse, explain that I feel uncomfortable or ghost?

YABU - go and risk feeling anxious
YANBU - cancel and say why/lie/ghost

Short replies don’t necessarily mean snappy, it could mean busy + texting between doing things. It could mean I don’t want to text as I’d rather tell you in person.

Just leave room it could be something else. I had something similar from an old friend and thought perhaps it was that our friendship had run its course.

I felt uneasy too but forced myself to go. Turned out she had cancer and wanted to tell me in person and we didn’t ever talk on the phone so I don’t ’just ring her’. When our kids were young we always texted so we continued that.

My instincts were right, she was ‘off’ but the reason was wrong.

If I were you I’d go. You can always cut your time away shorter or end the friendship after if it’s over.

Is she being snappy or is she being direct as she is busy?

I think you don’t want to go so are looking for an out, what evidence do you have that she is being off other than your own interpretation of a message, which isn’t fact as you don’t actually know the context the sender is thinking nor will you ask?

the alternative perspective could be that you have different communication styles and you are being a bit anxious?

if we arranged it and booked trains within the last 2 months as you said, that would have been the opportunity to cancel then by her. I think you’re reading too much in to it. If she’s as confrontational as you say wouldn’t she tell you if she didn’t want to see you?

Personally I’d not go . She is giving you the bare minimum responses and no enthusiasm for seeing you . It’s not like you’re local either this is an epic journey . Last thing you want is one night , feel really awkward and have to leave or front out another few miserable days . I’d make my apologies re illness and see if she contacts you later to see how you are . If she doesn’t check in on your wellbeing I think the friendship has run its course .

You're intimidated by her and haven't seen her for ten years. This friendship should have died a death already, not sure why you're pursuing it TBH but yes I would cancel, it doesn't sound like it will be a fun time. Ten years is a long time for people to change and move on.

I agree.

I hate communicting by text and tend to make text messages brief and to the point. However, I am not like that in real life.

@RueSaintHomme if you are going to cancel I would do it now rather than last minute before your friend does any meal planning, shopping, making up beds etc.

This suggestion is no better than the stomach bug one. It's a lie. Don't lie OP, that's a despicable way to treat a longstanding friend.

@RueSaintHomme

The go ‘halves on food and shopping’ definitely comes across as - she possibly can’t afford either to accommodate cost wise.

I think 4 days to host someone in her house, plus an unclear expectation to drive you/feed you could be the issue.
If you could stay nearby or afford to stay nearby and otherwise pay for your own meals etc then I think that could be an option.
If you can’t afford - then - no don’t go!!

And I’d just be honest and say - you’d love to see her, but on second thoughts you think it’s a big ask to host you for 4 days. Then ask how she feels? - perhaps you could arrange something midway in the future instead.

something similar happened to me with a friend who lives in another country. I had a
feeling something was off, although DD and I had stayed with her several times before (she is DD’s godmother). She was a bit short on the phone about two weeks before our arrival and when I asked her if she was still okay with us coming, she assured me all was well, looking forward to seeing us, etc. I still had misgivings,
though and seriously considered calling the visit off. But plane tickets were paid for and I couldn’t think of a valid excuse to cancel. Long story short, we went and had a dreadful time. There was so much tension! I couldn’t wait to leave. We ended up having a huge row. Her place was in the middle of nowhere - there were no taxis - and I was panicking. We stuck it out, somehow and gratefully flew home. I haven’t spoken to her since.

Disagree. I think it's kinder in this circumstance to tell a white lie than to be honest, given how hurtful it would be to hear the truth. Then the friendship can just quietly dwindle down

She may have things going on that stress her and although your visit may not clash with anything, she’s not enthusiastic about it. Don’t put her on the spot. Just make up a white lie (a bug) and leave it be.

Does anxiety often stop you from doing things?

Tell her your Air B&B host has cancelled and you're struggling to find another place near enough.

The sooner you do it op, the sooner you can stop worrying.

I think unless you’ve known someone like this (or you’re like it yourself) it’s hard to understand how disconcerting it is. I’ve known a woman for years who is like that. But because I’ve known her a long time I’m used to it now and I’ve learned it doesn’t necessarily mean she’s going to be distant when I meet her. Problem is, she can be. She’s very up and down with her general personality and enthusiasm. Here’s an example conversation after she’s suggested meeting up for lunch previously.

Me - hey friend! You still ok to go for lunch tomorrow? If so, any ideas on what you fancy?

Her - whatever

Me - Ok how about that place you like on the high street?

Her - ok

Me - Is 1pm ok? I’m free anytime so whatever works for you.

Her *thumbs up

Now I know I’ll get tons of people on here saying her messages are perfectly fine and I’m being ridiculous to expect her to actually show any enthusiasm about meeting. 😂But honestly one word or emoji answers I don’t think fill the other person with confidence you actually want to be there.

So you'd be there for 4 nights and she hasn't kept herself free to spend time with you? Would you just be doing your own thing each day? Sod that.

"Sonia, I've decided to cancel my plans to visit. I'm getting a vibe from your brief messages that you're not so keen on having me there, so I don't want the stress of travelling for 12 hours if I won't feel welcome. I wanted to let you know now before you do any prep for my visit."

It may be the death knell for your friendship but it sounds like there wasn't much there anyway to be honest.

That’s definitely hostile when you have such a long (and presumably expensive) round trip.

A good host would cook for you.

Personally, I’d bail out in the same situation. I suppose it depends how much you care / want the friendship.

Why do people not just talk to each other? Most of the issues on here could be resolved with a conversation.

Dont ghost ffs. How rude and unnecessary

This.

Just set your own boundary. This person is making you feel uncomfortable, they’ve crossed your boundary regarding politeness and feeling unwelcome - so don’t go. Boundaries are brilliant as they stop the internal dialogue or confusion and anxiety.
You can either be honest and tell her the truth, or just make something up. So long as you are protecting your own boundaries it doesn’t really matter.
Personally I’d send a brief message saying something has come up and you no longer can visit, in a similar tone that she messages you. I’d then archive the chat and forget about it.
It’s all on her, if she cannot be welcoming and kind then the problem is hers, not yours.

Hi - you’re using how your friend responds to messages as an excuse to simply not wanting to meet her anymore!
Why would you go stay with someone when you don’t even feel comfortable speaking with them on the phone?! - it’s weird!
Message your friend to simply say that unfortunately you feel you can no longer commit to this trip and you hope she understands. No need to give specific reasons or lie about being ill etc…message her asap!

She doesn't want you to come. This is such a rude reply! It sounds that you would be regularly leeching of her from that message and this is someone you haven't seen for 10 years!!! Make up whatever excuse you want and cancel. Judging from your communication she will feel relieved. Then go low contact. She sounds horrible so have no idea why you think of her as a friend.

If you tell her the truth is the hope that you’ll see more of her. If not then I’d not bother.

how about

Hey friend
I hope you don’t mind but I’ve been re thinking the logistics of the trip. It’s just not feasible at the moment.

Or I am very sorry but I’m going to have to cancel visiting. I had to make a decision quickly as something has come up my end. and didn’t want to leave it to late to cancel on you.

I hope this is ok and again I’m sorry. Maybe we can catch up another time

so you’re cancelling, you’ve apologised, you’ve given a reason without lying and it’s done

You then don’t need to lie and if as you say she’s as abrupt as you say then she’ll hopefully reply abruptly and it will be done -

just an idea

but then I’m old and gotten to the point where I can’t be bothered worrying about other people as long as I am polite when I can’t or don’t want to do something

I think you’re the one who is being awful actually. She’s invited you to stay , you’ve said yes, and now you are backing out at short notice just because you don’t like the style of her messages? And what’s wrong with her checking about going halves on things?

She’s either regretting the invitation or will buy lobster and expensive wine all week and expect you to fund it.

You’re right not to go. She should have said ‘looking forward to seeing you’ to a friend travelling 12 hours to see her, not had £££ signs in her mind.