Invited to stay but have a bad feeling

[RueSaintHomme]

An old friend of 30 years invited me to stay with her some time ago and I booked the tickets last weekend. We haven’t spoken on the phone but the messages I’m receiving are short and abrupt. It’s a 12-hour journey each way (I don’t drive) and it’s like booking an AirBnB with a slightly frosty host.

I don’t feel as though I want to visit now, especially as I would be reliant on my friend for lifts from and to the station.

Should I make an excuse, explain that I feel uncomfortable or ghost?

YABU - go and risk feeling anxious
YANBU - cancel and say why/lie/ghost

Oh that’s so me 😬 But I still send friendly messages.

Is her messages abrupt because, she lives somewhere lovely and has lots of visitors who expect her to host them, buy all the food and cook for them?

Can you get your money back on the tickets ? I don’t travel by train, so I don’t know. Options are:

1.phone her. After all, you used to get on really well.

2.dont go. Message a feeble excuse, which see will probably see through.

3.go. But have a plan B in case you don’t feel welcome. Ie an available bnb you can run to.

some people are bad at messaging or don’t like doing it.

personally I would phone her, if she doesn’t pick up then message and say I need to speak to you about the visit. Call me.

i bet if you go it’ll be like old times when you got on well.

I think this is all very sad. You’re old friends and you both seem to be getting nervous now that the trip is actually happening in real life. So you’re both being a little weird- she’s sending short messages and you’re thinking of backing out. Ask her if this still suits and it she said it does, then go. If you don’t go you will be throwing away an old friendship

She sounds like hard work, id definitely pull out too

If you've decided not to go, the only question is would you like to communicate in any way that it's her behaviour that has changed your mind, or would you like to just back out? There are polite non-confrontational options for both.

OP for the love of god, do not be so cruel as to ghost her. And it's unfair to say you have a stomach bug when shes cleaned/got food in/ set time aside.

Message her now and say you're so sorry but you've been booked in for a minor op, or have a medical appointment you've been waiting MONTHS for and can't afford to miss. Keep it vague! Do it today, make apologies and it's done and dusted with no fall out.

Sometimes in periods when I'm busy or distracted, I do emoji responses, short replies or even forget to reply. My intention is not to be rude, abrupt or indifferent, it's just I intend to reply quickly to indicate I've seen the message and then reply deeper when I have a moment spare (and I forget to do that second post). (Fun fact: did you know that the average adult receives over 200 messages/emails per day?) You've decided not to go, just give plenty of notice so that they can make other plans for those 4 days.

Those messages don't seem rude to me (from the ones you've quoted or paraphrased here as examples). You take care to craft pleasant, polite messages but a lot of people don't and wouldn't think to bother, and from what you remember of this friend she seems likely to be brief and all business in her text replies, etc. I would probably guess that she's perhaps feeling a bit anxious about your visit as she's short of money, will be working and it sounds like it's in an isolated place and you'll depend on her for transit, etc. and not sure what you'll expect.

I'd have a conversation as gemmawemma9 suggested, but if you've already made up your mind to skip, the most important thing is to tell her ASAP.

This!

Why can't people just talk now? if she sounds frosty/not keen then you have your answer

I had been wondering if where she lives is some type of destination.

It could be she thinks you are using her for free accommodation, and is a bit put out. It would be impossible to be upfront and ask that question, and you can't control her thoughts. Sometimes there can be a mismatch in how 2 parties view a relationship. Sometimes people say things to sound nice in the moment, but they don't actually want to do those things. 'I would love you to visit' is easy to say when you think someone isn't actually going to.

Or maybe she is having a stressful week for a totally unrelated reason.

I once went to Berlin to see a friend and stay with her, but when I got there she let me stay in her apartment and went and stayed with her boyfriend. I was super uncomfortable because I went to see my friend and spend time with her, but her vacating her own apartment and choosing to stay with her boyfriend made me feel like she thought I was after free accommodation. And it was a little hurtful I had travelled and she chose to spend time with her boyfriend who lives in that city.

One of my best friends has a friend like that, she messages her like she never wants to see her, she absolutely does and they have the best time. I don’t think you should be so dramatic over someone’s texting style, it seems a bit high maintenance that you need her constant reassurance via text. Pick up the phone and call her to discuss final plans, you’ll get how she truly feels then. I’m sure she’s looking forwards to it, but don’t cancel and ruin a 30 year old friendship over how she messages.

completely agree. Sounds like they haven’t spoken much in the recent years either, she knows you’re a CF OP and you’re being called out for it 🤷‍♀️

This doesn’t sound like a great friendship and if you do not want to phone her I can’t imagine you actually want to spend the weekend with her.

Dont go!!!!

Oh when will this shit end….

”I’ve got Covid” AKA “I’m not coming and this lie is the only one I can think of, I’m not going to try harder as I don’t give a fuck about you”.

Why is she being a CF? The OP is the one travelling 12 hours

It is hard to pull out both truthfully and politely. You could be polite and say you haven’t been well and are finding the prospect of the long journey too much so you need to cancel/ very sorry. Or you could be truthful and say that you’re not getting the impression she is keen to have you to stay and you are not feeling very keen either after her abrupt messages, so you’d rather just cancel.

I feel like I’m missing something, the examples you’ve given just seem matter of fact rather than rude, could it be you’re reading hidden meaning that isn’t there?

Obviously don’t go. You don’t like her, you’re scared of her and can’t pick up the phone to talk to her. Why would you go?

It feels like you’re reading a lot into it - plenty of people (especially older) come across as very blunt when messaging but it doesn’t translate into reality.

However I think you shouldn’t go if you’re already feeling tense about it. Plus the message about splitting halves would have me a bit put off - not because it’s unreasonable but because it feels she isn’t prepared to host, really.

Plus you don’t seem to like her.

Agree with the other poster to call her and have a general chat to see how the land lies rather than being paranoid about messages which could be misconstrued. Cancelling a trip due to the tone of a text message without picking up the phone would be ridiculous.

If you do cancel, definitely don’t use the Covid excuse, it’s like saying you can’t drink because you’re on antibiotics.

Please please don’t ghost her, that is so incredibly rude. The fact you even considered that makes me feel like I’d like to hear your friends POV on this situation

Becuase she’s clearly taking advantage of the fact her friend lives in a popular tourist area, despite what she’s saying.

This is bizarre. You're putting all the blame onto her for not wanting you to go, but actually you're the one that doesn't want to go.

Texting is such an impersonal form of communication, maybe that's just how she texts. She hasn't said she doesn't want you there, you're just seeing what you want to see. If you don't want to go that's fair enough but to me it seems like you're looking for an excuse

You would sound weirdly hostile. Why not just ask her if all is ok and that you just want to check that it’s still a good time to visit