Invited to stay but have a bad feeling

[RueSaintHomme]

An old friend of 30 years invited me to stay with her some time ago and I booked the tickets last weekend. We haven’t spoken on the phone but the messages I’m receiving are short and abrupt. It’s a 12-hour journey each way (I don’t drive) and it’s like booking an AirBnB with a slightly frosty host.

I don’t feel as though I want to visit now, especially as I would be reliant on my friend for lifts from and to the station.

Should I make an excuse, explain that I feel uncomfortable or ghost?

YABU - go and risk feeling anxious
YANBU - cancel and say why/lie/ghost

This be a normal person. Don't ghost them ffs!

I have already decided I’m not going. It’s just how to communicate this that is bothering me and keeping me awake.

Maybe she's stressed as her house is messy and she feels like she's got to do loads of cleaning before you come.

It's good you have made that decision. Good luck with however you approach it.

What mess you trying to convey? Truth, gentle fib?

I understand that feeling and it’s why I don’t want to cancel at the last minute.

Tell her you are not well. It isn't worth getting into a big discussion, it won't change her personality.
Suggest meeting halfway next time for an overnight stay or two in a hotel.
I judge things by asking myself, will I feel better after I open this conversation, usually the answer is no.
It wouldn't end well if she's dominant and you're passive.
Enjoy your free time off. 💐

I don't think shes done anything wrong to be honest. If you can't even pick up the phone and call her why would you even agree to a visit in the first place? I think you've just changed your mind and are looking for excuses not to go.

You need to tell her asap. To ghost her would be awful, not sure why you would even think that was an option.

How about:

''Hi x, I'm getting the impression this visit might not suit you now so let's raincheck. Hope all is well.''

Alternatively, could you go but stay in a b&b/hotel and just meet up with her? (If it's the kind of place you'd enjoy visiting anyway?).

'Hi friend, sorry to bugger you about! I've come down with a stinking cold, I feel like crap & I don't want to give it to you. Can we reschedule?'

& then just don't get around to it.

If she's not terribly keen either, she'll be quietly relieved, & you can both just let things drift/pick them back up later when you actually have time for each other.

It's not that deep, as my 17yo would say!

Honestly it's not that hard.
Thanks friend for letting me come and stay with you, I really appreciate your generosity. Unfortunately something has come up so now I won't be coming. Apologies about the short notice, I hope you haven't already gone to any trouble. Hope to catch up again soon. Again, so sorry!

This

She can be snappy and rude. She is being rude now, by message.

Don't say this unless you are going to directly ask, because if it's nothing it's incredibly rude. Given you were going to just ghost her I can't say I would find your impressions or judgements very reliable.

you say you are not easily intimidated, but you appear very timid.

It’s peak season in a holiday type place and I don’t have the budget for it to be honest.

I think I’m just very polite and I don’t respond well to abrupt people.

It sounds like you don't even really like her, so you are right not to go. I'd just say it's turned out that you can't go. Apologize but don't elaborate unless she asks, and then you can just say there's a family problem. A white lie would probably be best here. Then you can stop making an effort with her and just let the friendship die, as it obviously doesn't work for you anymore.

I don’t see how it’s polite to bail on a planned visit at such short notice without a good reason. So much tone is lost in messaging, it’s easy to read things one way when they were intended in another. Just call her.

She's not going to call. She wasn't even going to bother letting her know she wasn't coming and ghost her instead!

That’s not very polite either! Breathtakingly rude actually.

Well, the polite thing to do would probably be to make a plausible excuse - illness or a double booking.

The rude but honest thing would be to open a conversation about how you don't like her messages/tone, & thrash things out one way or the other, but that's a weird row to get into with someone you haven't seen in years.

What would really be out of order would be ghosting an old friend who's invited you to stay.

Honestly, just make your excuses & cancel. Job done.

You’re right. After the messages over the last couple of weeks, I don’t particularly like her and I don’t think she’s especially bothered if I go or not.

This sounds like a perfect message to me.

However I’m at a loss as to why you’d want to visit and book tickets to go see someone you feel unable to actually speak to and describe as intimidating, snappy and rude in the first place!?

Do not ghost!

I suppose after ten years I’d forgotten how snappy she can be. Her social media persona is all sweetness and light.