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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Invited to stay but have a bad feeling

302 replies

RueSaintHomme · 22/07/2025 23:17

An old friend of 30 years invited me to stay with her some time ago and I booked the tickets last weekend. We haven’t spoken on the phone but the messages I’m receiving are short and abrupt. It’s a 12-hour journey each way (I don’t drive) and it’s like booking an AirBnB with a slightly frosty host.

I don’t feel as though I want to visit now, especially as I would be reliant on my friend for lifts from and to the station.

Should I make an excuse, explain that I feel uncomfortable or ghost?

YABU - go and risk feeling anxious
YANBU - cancel and say why/lie/ghost

OP posts:
nomas · 23/07/2025 07:32

bipbopdo · 23/07/2025 02:54

I don’t see how it’s polite to bail on a planned visit at such short notice without a good reason. So much tone is lost in messaging, it’s easy to read things one way when they were intended in another. Just call her.

Edited
Show quote history

It’s more than a week away and the friend hasn’t booked any annual leave, so it’s not short notice.

Also, it’s not like friend has spent money because she wants to do that when OP’s gets there and go halves.

CharlotteBakewell · 23/07/2025 07:36

I’d just tell a white lie and cancel.

Hedgedone · 23/07/2025 07:37

OP, listen to your gut. You had forgotten how snappy she can be.
"It no longer works to visit, thanks anyway"

Let it go.

CharlotteBakewell · 23/07/2025 07:38

Oh and I think the fairest thing would be to do that today. Cancel today, say something has come up.

Moonnstars · 23/07/2025 07:43

Sorry but you are also being rude. You are two adults. Surely one of you could pick up the phone and sort out arrangements properly. So much can be missed in a text message and tone doesn't always come across in the right way.
You were clearly happy to agree to visit a holiday destination at the time and would have known about splitting costs. I think you need to call to cancel and not make up some childish excuse.

GAJLY · 23/07/2025 07:43

Think I'd trust my gut feeling. I'd message saying, "I'm really sorry but I'm not going to be able to make it. Apologies for any preparation and cleaning you've had to do. I hope you are well and we'll catch up soon." I'd send it sooner rather than later, otherwise she'll get more mad.

Sunholidays · 23/07/2025 07:44

Itsnotmyjobtoeducatestupid · 23/07/2025 07:15

If you tell her the truth is the hope that you’ll see more of her. If not then I’d not bother.

how about

Hey friend
I hope you don’t mind but I’ve been re thinking the logistics of the trip. It’s just not feasible at the moment.

Or I am very sorry but I’m going to have to cancel visiting. I had to make a decision quickly as something has come up my end. and didn’t want to leave it to late to cancel on you.

I hope this is ok and again I’m sorry. Maybe we can catch up another time

so you’re cancelling, you’ve apologised, you’ve given a reason without lying and it’s done

You then don’t need to lie and if as you say she’s as abrupt as you say then she’ll hopefully reply abruptly and it will be done -

just an idea

but then I’m old and gotten to the point where I can’t be bothered worrying about other people as long as I am polite when I can’t or don’t want to do something

The suggestions given here are excellent

Puddypuds · 23/07/2025 07:44

I would call it off because it sounds like you would both be relieved at this decision.

If you feel uncomfortable giving her a call to sound her out, hence only messaging backwards and forwards, I would think that this friendship will just fade in it's own time.

Book something else instead and enjoy!

Needtosoundoffandbreathe · 23/07/2025 07:56

Thisismyusername54321 · 23/07/2025 06:38

Disagree. I think it's kinder in this circumstance to tell a white lie than to be honest, given how hurtful it would be to hear the truth. Then the friendship can just quietly dwindle down

Show quote history

A white lie is still a lie. It would be better to have a truthful conversation and ask is it still convenient for her and see what she says. I suspect, as it sounds as though she lives somewhere like Cornwall, that she has people turn up and treat her place like a hotel and her like the staff. It's likely the OP is picking up on her friend's stress - which may have nothing to do with the OP's visit - and adding this to her own misgivings about travelling a long way for a 4 day stay. If that were me, I'd have booked some things to do a long the way and made a longer trip out of it and more of a holiday then this would be just part of the trip and feel less onerous.

BugsyMaroon · 23/07/2025 07:57

If she lives in a holiday type place (and it's peak season) it might just be she is a bit drained from having visitors at all. I live in a very popular tourist place and it's bloody knackering having people invite themselves to stay. I'm not saying you did that, OP, just that you may be the latest in a long line of people wishing to visit (the query about paying halves also sounds like she has seriously had enough of hosting) and she might not be anti YOU staying per se, just fed up at the moment. Maybe the invitation was the classic 'seemed like a good idea at the time' and she's over it.

I would say something like a pp said upthread' Can we take a raincheck'. You may find she will bite your hand off. And again- her reluctance might not be about YOU, but about being overwhelmed.

I've had 21 years of hosting people who think our place would make a lovely base, or it would be 'great to catch up' but they haven't seen us for years. You get tired of it. Even if ostensibly you like the person. My favourite 'guests' are some members of our extended family who say; 'We'd love to catch up and see [local area] but we won't land on you, we'll book somewhere and see you for a lunch or two'. Obviously at the distance you are talking about OP and that most holiday type accommodations will be booked that's less likely for now.

So, go with your gut. take a raincheck but please know this might not be an issue she has about you particularly, just she's tired.

BugsyMaroon · 23/07/2025 07:58

Needtosoundoffandbreathe · 23/07/2025 07:56

A white lie is still a lie. It would be better to have a truthful conversation and ask is it still convenient for her and see what she says. I suspect, as it sounds as though she lives somewhere like Cornwall, that she has people turn up and treat her place like a hotel and her like the staff. It's likely the OP is picking up on her friend's stress - which may have nothing to do with the OP's visit - and adding this to her own misgivings about travelling a long way for a 4 day stay. If that were me, I'd have booked some things to do a long the way and made a longer trip out of it and more of a holiday then this would be just part of the trip and feel less onerous.

Show quote history

That's a much more coherent version of what I said. Smile

StormsAreDue · 23/07/2025 08:03

As i say to my 16 year old. Listen to your gut feeling. Its never been wrong for me.

BugsyMaroon · 23/07/2025 08:05

Oh and PPs saying she is rude not to take annual leave. For the first few years we lived here ALL my annual leave was taken to 'host' other people properly as I felt that was only polite. So I used up my precious time to make breakfasts, pack picnics, drive people around the local stately homes. I don't do that now. (In fact, we are in the second year of refusing to host anyone at all) because I would lose my annual leave and return to work more tired than ever. One of DH's friends (who was the biggest piss-taker of them all and who I have written many a MN CF thread about) said to me on his third or 4th visit 'Are you not going to take a day off so you can take us to this place?' in utter shock when I gave them the bus timetable. I said to him 'this is your holiday, but it's my life and I have to work'. Now i agree that sounds rude, but he had very seriously been a CF for some years by that point.

Hedgedone · 23/07/2025 08:09

I was in a fab European city for years with a central city flat in my 20's, I very quickly became a "yea sure, welcome to a sleeping bag on the sofa stay". Nothing beyond a cup of tea and a bowl of cereal.
Great years.
Couldn't do it now.

Teaacup · 23/07/2025 08:13

RueSaintHomme · 23/07/2025 02:01

4 nights - which is a short stay for such a long journey.

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600 miles taking 24 hours (round trip as she lives 300 miles away) is ridiculous. Can you meet at a major city somewhere half way? This would be an easier journey as you don’t drive. Don’t ghost your friend as it’s really rude and cowardly.

localnotail · 23/07/2025 08:16

I would not explain anything, OP - just say something came up and you cant come. Just be vague. You dont have to explain yourself.

I know people on here advising you to be honest with her but to me, this looks like it could lead to rudeness and accusations from her side (giving what you told us about her).

I would not go, send her a short message saying "sorry, something came up, I cant come, chat later". And stop communicating with her altogether, she sounds hard work.

Kisskiss · 23/07/2025 08:20

RueSaintHomme · 23/07/2025 03:07

I suppose after ten years I’d forgotten how snappy she can be. Her social media persona is all sweetness and light.

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@Gemmawemma9 ’s post is perfect . Please do not ghost or make up an excuse. You come off sounding slightly passive agressive in your posts ,@RueSaintHomme .
it would be best to call your friend and check in whether the time of the planned break is good or not. There could be many reasons for how she’s messaging .. she could be having busy days or just maybe it’s her texting style. There’s a big chance of miss communication if you continue to communicate purely by text .

on a side note, have you read the book “surrounded by idiots” . It describes different personality types and you are definitely. A green. Harmony loving, conflict avoiding , but then you quietly bitch about others under your breath.

AndromacheAstyanax · 23/07/2025 08:22

Seems to me that you are inclined to cancel, but I just came here to say that a lot of people (especially men actually) have a terse style in texts and emails and this doesn’t mean indifference. It’s just their messaging style. Might your friend be hurt if she felt that you had read her abrupt texts as a lack of interest in seeing you?

ExercicenformedeZ · 23/07/2025 08:34

BlankBlankBlank14 · 23/07/2025 05:43

Oh when will this shit end….

”I’ve got Covid” AKA “I’m not coming and this lie is the only one I can think of, I’m not going to try harder as I don’t give a fuck about you”.

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This! Plus nobody cares about Covid anymore anyway. The last time I had it I was over it in a couple of days: I felt really ill for one day (hence testiing) but then it was just like any other cold. A lot of people don't even bother testing for it any more /end hijack.

OP, I actually think you sound rather rude and like hard work. Also, the fact that your 'friend' lives in a popular holiday destination makes me sympathise with her a lot more, as people in that position often have a constant stream of freeloaders staying with them. I'm not saying that's you, although I do find it interesting that you say that you couldn't afford to stay in a hotel there. It makes me wonder if you would bother to try to stay with her if she lived somewhere less expensive and desirable.

Lighteningstrikes · 23/07/2025 08:36

I think you are very right not to go.

You’ve listened to your instincts and you know it will be shit (and it will be with people like her).

I wouldn’t worry too much about sending a perfect message, she doesn’t care with you.

Just a simple, sorry I can’t make it, or I don’t want to come (or whatever) will suffice for her.

When you’ve got a nice nature which you sound like you have, do not beat yourself up about it. She wouldn’t if it was the other way round.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 23/07/2025 08:40

It's not a case of she can be snappy over message but always fine in person (this I'd her normal texting style?). If not then I don't think you have much to lose. Sometimes it's bets to do something you're not massively keen on (eg attend a birthday party) to maintain a wider friendship. But since it doesn't seem like there is much of a wider friendship I'd just make up a white lie and cancel. If you force yourself to go, what would you be doing it for?

ExercicenformedeZ · 23/07/2025 08:41

Lighteningstrikes · 23/07/2025 08:36

I think you are very right not to go.

You’ve listened to your instincts and you know it will be shit (and it will be with people like her).

I wouldn’t worry too much about sending a perfect message, she doesn’t care with you.

Just a simple, sorry I can’t make it, or I don’t want to come (or whatever) will suffice for her.

When you’ve got a nice nature which you sound like you have, do not beat yourself up about it. She wouldn’t if it was the other way round.

I'm not so sure that the OP does have such a 'nice nature' considering that she had contemplated just ghosting. She sounds more like that Mumsnet Special, the People Pleaser, which actually means someone who is scared of their own shadow and won't take any definite course of action for fear of causing inconvenience to themselves (that is their true motivation, which they hide behind the mantle of 'people pleasing')

bipbopdo · 23/07/2025 08:42

nomas · 23/07/2025 07:32

It’s more than a week away and the friend hasn’t booked any annual leave, so it’s not short notice.

Also, it’s not like friend has spent money because she wants to do that when OP’s gets there and go halves.

Show quote history

She should still call her. Even if it’s to say she’s not coming. It’s rude not to (especially if you consider yourself “very polite”). Also, OP says they’ve been friends for 30 years. It seems really strange to me that someone would be willing to ghost on arrangements made with such an old friend.

Spindrifts · 23/07/2025 08:50

You can't ghost her but do follow your gut feeling. Can't you say that you can't take the time off work now as it is a very busy whatever? Say you've been asked to look after a pet in an emergency. You want an excuse that won't affect anyone but that will stand. I knew someone in a similar situation and the host was awful. They were so unhappy and had to wait for ten days to get home. People are not worth it. Let the friendship fade after that.

PullTheBricksDown · 23/07/2025 08:50

nomas · 23/07/2025 07:24

She’s either regretting the invitation or will buy lobster and expensive wine all week and expect you to fund it.

You’re right not to go. She should have said ‘looking forward to seeing you’ to a friend travelling 12 hours to see her, not had £££ signs in her mind.

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Agree with this. It was rude of her to meet your message with that curt request. It may be that she's tired of hosting visitors but she agreed to these dates. Was the idea of meeting halfway, or her coming to you, ever discussed?

I would message today, and get it over with. I would also include something about 'feeling the vibe that it's not a good time for you' so she is aware that this has cut through.