Should DH's job come ahead of mine because he earns more?

[OpalFruitsAreBetter]

Both DH and I work full-time with two primary age DC.

DH is the main bread-winner by far - he earns over 3x my salary plus share options etc. It's a demanding and often stressful job, but he is something of a workaholic and he is chasing a promotion.

I recently took new role at a 50% pay cut due to burnout, general unhappiness with my job and the fact neither of us had enough time to devote to DC as we both worked way in excess of our contracted hours. My new job has a much better work-life balance but it's still full-time and I have a team to manage, deadlines to meet etc.

Part of the 'deal' with DH in me taking a lower-paid job was that I'd be able to pick up more of the day-to-day work of managing school pick ups, running the house etc. But I feel like DH has started treating it as if I don't have a job at all and arranges his schedule with little consideration of what my commitments are. For instance, I always have to try to fit my office days around his and never the other way round.

This is starting to cause tension but his trump card is always that we can live without my salary but we can't live without his. Which is true. And my workplace is much more understanding of the demands of being a working parent, which is also true.

So do I just accept that my work has to fit around his?

YABU - he's keeping the mortgage paid so his career comes first
YANBU - just because I'm paid less doesn't mean my job doesn't count

I don't think it's about finances but you say you changed jobs to be more available and to have better work life balance, so on that basis it's probably on you to try and flex first otherwise you could've just stayed in the less flexible but better paid job

I think your work does have to fit around his mostly, yes.

It doesn't mean your job doesn't matter and it definitely doesn't mean he gets to tap out of family life, but in terms of prioritising office days...yes, he gets priority because it's more important that he keeps his job than you keep yours.

Yes, his job does come before yours. Granted he shouldn’t be a twat with it, but if I have to vote…yabu.

What happens at weekends/evenings? Does he step up?

DH and I looked at workloads. His job was more flexible than mine, but also had days that were far more complex to rearrange. If he had a simple office day, he'd take the hit, if he had a complex day I'd take it. It worked out fairly evenly.

My salary was less, but it was still worth me being reliable in my workplace.
He also scored "good dad" points compared to "unreliable mother" points. It's not really a thing, but some people do have that perception.

I could have written this exact OP so I’m here for the replies!

Well of course your job ‘counts’.
But his is, in fact, more essential for your family and the way you have chosen to live.
You chose to change your job and to take a big pay cut. That was a mutual decision I presume taken primarily for your benefit?
You can’t have all things all ways.
My DH earns 5 x me.
His job matters more to our family. It doesn’t mean it’s not important it just means that I have to be the one who’s flexible and doing the others things.. His earnings have allowed you give up your higher salary and make changes for your ‘burnout’. What if he also has ‘burnout’ or stops working the way he does? Can you survive financially?

It is difficult but you say you took a 50% pay cut for work life balance.

Employers who don't pay well do often have to accept giving more flexibility - otherwise why would you agree to do the much worse paid job?

If the pay difference was smaller it would be different but 3 times more is massive.

Nothings changed though has it? If you could live without your salary now, you could live without it before.

So he needs to stick to what you agreed, which is you'd do more - not all - the day to day stuff.

No ones job is more important IMO. We're all only one cock up away from dismissal or one decision away from redundancy then we're relying on the other partner for a while. He'd do well to remember that.

Time to put your foot down "soz DH I cant do pick up tomorrow ive got a meeting"

I don't think it's as much about whose job comes first, but about feeling the needs of your job are not on the list at all when it comes to planning your family schedules.
The people the OP works with deserve to have her commitment, and for her to be able to prioritise certain events.
He should not be put first 100% of the time.

Why have you put "burnout" in quotation marks, twice?

Neither voting option applies tbh. Your job is important, his needs to be protected 'more' because you can't manage without it.

There still needs to be mutual consideration though

His extra salary should pay for more help around the house to allow you to maintain financial independence. So wrap around care, cleaner, gardener, whatever helps.

Your options are emotive and inaccurate.

In reality most people wouldn’t take a 50% payout without a significant reduction in workload and therefore it would be the expectation that you’d pick up more slack.

I don’t understand why you don’t have regular and predictable days at home and in the office though.

After reading the first sentence, yes.

Well both are important but you’ve chosen to take the hit, so for this period in your life it sounds like you will need to be the more flexible one. That doesn’t mean you always do everything- maybe you can use clubs or nanny/cleaner?
I also think it matters what tone your DH takes tho - are you still a team or is he acting like Billy Big Balls?

I don't think him earning more is a free pass not to consider what works for his family. My DH earns way more than me but we still discuss schedules and work out things like days at home / taking kids to appointments / going to sports day together. His seniority actually means he has a bit more flexibility than me.

If you can live without your salary then just quit your job. Tell DH you’ve decided to become a SAHM since you’re doing the work anyway plus a full time job that doesn’t really matter.

His job is more important to your household finances, obviously.

And you purposefully got a job that had a better life balance - which I completely agree with you doing (I have done similar) but the reality is that you pick up the slack.

However, if you think he’s now taking the piss and checking more and more out of family life, you need to speak to him and sort that out.

I think it’s somewhere in between. He should be flexible where he can, but if not possible then yes, it probably should be on you given the active step of changing jobs to be able to take the slack.

Also, is it £20k vs £60k or £60k vs £180k

Yeah, I’m on his side here. You need to be able to pay the bills.

Closer to the latter

The real issue is not the finances, it's that you feel taken for granted. It's not unreasonable for you to want him to have some regard for you and show you some consideration.

Can you support the family on your salary?

Money is the bottom line here.

You took a voluntary huge pay cut. Your workplace is flexible. You should be flexing around his schedule. You got what you wanted with a much less stressful job and better work life balance. And now you want him to flex around your job. I think you're moving the goalposts here