Should DH's job come ahead of mine because he earns more?

[OpalFruitsAreBetter]

Both DH and I work full-time with two primary age DC.

DH is the main bread-winner by far - he earns over 3x my salary plus share options etc. It's a demanding and often stressful job, but he is something of a workaholic and he is chasing a promotion.

I recently took new role at a 50% pay cut due to burnout, general unhappiness with my job and the fact neither of us had enough time to devote to DC as we both worked way in excess of our contracted hours. My new job has a much better work-life balance but it's still full-time and I have a team to manage, deadlines to meet etc.

Part of the 'deal' with DH in me taking a lower-paid job was that I'd be able to pick up more of the day-to-day work of managing school pick ups, running the house etc. But I feel like DH has started treating it as if I don't have a job at all and arranges his schedule with little consideration of what my commitments are. For instance, I always have to try to fit my office days around his and never the other way round.

This is starting to cause tension but his trump card is always that we can live without my salary but we can't live without his. Which is true. And my workplace is much more understanding of the demands of being a working parent, which is also true.

So do I just accept that my work has to fit around his?

YABU - he's keeping the mortgage paid so his career comes first
YANBU - just because I'm paid less doesn't mean my job doesn't count

So if I earn 150k and my partner works at McDonald's, I should be expected to make my employment work around his burger flipping half the time, otherwise it's not an equal, respectful partnership? Do you see how silly that sounds?

The reality is that they are not equal partners financially, by a long way. OP needs to make up for this by being flexible.

It shouldnt be about how much you get paid but how many hours you do…if you work part time then you pick up more at home. If you’re still working 10 hours a day you’ll still be exhausted.

I agree with this, if his salary is six figures then it’s not unreasonable his employers have some expectations about frequency and availability for office visits. Equally if you are still well paid - albeit not as much as before - you should be going into the office for your minimum number of days.
I think more childcare is the way to go and work on the assumption on some of the days you will both have to go in, even if that doesn’t happen all the time.

It shouldn’t come second to his but it will. It’s understandable why, but equally it’s a slippery slope, a job is still a job and you need the ability to do it regardless of whether it earns less or not. The argument of ‘we can survive without your wage’…. Fine, do that then but expecting you to take on home responsibilities as though you don’t have a job whilst also having a job and work responsibilities is just crap and going to massively breed resentment.

My DH has a consuming ‘big’ job. I’m 6 years younger and was establishing myself in a ‘big’ field but not at his level yet. We had 2 under 2, he was keen on this. After mat leave the reality hit and I agreed to return part time but this meant me being completely responsible for every nursery drop/pick up, sick day (honestly don’t think we had one week without a child off) and it started coming to light DS was profoundly autistic … I didn’t even last 3 months before I had to leave and stay home. We are going through a separation now.

Ah, right. Well, that is a different issue. Because although his job is more important to your family, your job is more important to your employer.

The reality is that you will end up losing your job if you keep breaking your contract.

I think you both need to sit down and properly nail down what flexibility looks like.

Why can't you both work in the office on the same day?

If he decided to do something similar to you and take a big pay cut, how much would it impact on the way you live and want to live?

If that would be loosely ok, then it’s worth a discussion or thought about how much of his big job is about his ego.

It’s all very well having someone with a Big Job if everyone is on board with what that means, but if it’s just serving the person who has it and everyone else has to come second, I’m not sure it works!

If it would be unfathomable to survive on much less than you do now, then you might be in a trickier spot, though he still shouldn’t be a dick about it.

I disagree with a lot of posters here OP. He now earns 3x what you do because you have taken a very significant paycut as a result of burnout. Burnout that I am betting is linked to the fact that he is absolutely not pulling his weight at home. So now he has an even bigger stick with which to hit you. Prior to you taking the paycut, your pay was clearly a lot closer to his, but the current situation now means that he has you where he wants you and can make more demands of you despite you still working full time.

So you get the worst of both worlds. You will now run yourself equally as ragged as before for 50% less pay, fewer promotion opportunities and a smaller pension, while his demands will continue to increase. In a year or two you will end up going PT to facilitate his life even more, and eventually he will be earning many multiples than you and you will become essentially his PA/domestic servant.

I have seen this happen so many times. It’s so manipulative and puts women in such a precarious position. Go back to the more lucrative career and make some demands of your own. Outsource what you can and plug away at your pension.

What was the agreement when you changed jobs? Did you agree specifics?

DH and I both work F/T and he earns twice what I do. If one of the DC is off sick or has a non-pupil day etc then I’m not the default parent even though I earn less…. we look at our diaries and see how we can each juggle things.

Office days we agree between us and only ask to switch if it’s critical and that’s a request not an expectation.

If either of us needs to work the evening or weekend we make a plan between us.

I really think it’s about mutual respect regardless of salary and not taking one another for granted. Communication is a must and neither person should pull rank.

If your lack of empathy, care and flexibility caused your partner to have burnout because they were working FT in a demanding job and doing all the childcare and the domestic labour, leading to them having to take a job with a 50% paycut, and you still expect them to continue doing all the domestic labour then yes, you bloody well should.

Sometimes we can, but I need to allow about 1.5 hours from office to school, which means leaving at 4:30pm to arrive before 6pm end of afterschool club, and that's not always feasible - it can be more practical to work from home where I can still be having online meetings at 5:30.

We have friends who help out occasionally if we both need to be out but there's a limit to how much you want to impose on other people's generosity.

His attitude shows a lack of respect for you as a worker and will only get worse unless you nip it in the bud.

I mean yes, your job is the expendable one in these circumstances, but it doesn’t mean your DH can cause you stress without caring. Any full time job is a still a big commitment and any job can still cause a lot of stress when it continually clashes with any other commitment you have on your plate. If you decide together that your home responsibilities are X, Y, Z and that’s fixed, then you need a job (probably part time) that is compatible with that and not one where you are always scrambling to do the bare minimum.

If that’s the case then it means sucking up on lifestyle. You can’t have it both ways unless his salary grows exponentially to cover the loss of yours.

FWIW, I earn half of what my DH does but he has never made me feel like my job isn’t as big a priority as his is.

If I’m honest, on the face of it, it just sounds like your DH is simply another one of those men that is only concerned with his own priorities in life and uses his wife to opt out of family responsibilities.

This. For all of my married life my husband was the major earner by a very long way. This meant that I could work part time and we could have the lifestyle that we both wanted. Most of the domestic load was therefore mine. (no kids) In terms of our lifestyle choices therefore, his job was way more important than mine. This did not for one instant mean that he didn't consider my work either in the home, or in my employment, was any less important or to be respected than his was.

By my maths then the OP’s husband earns circa £90k, given she has taken a 50% paycut and he earns 3x as much. At her £60k there wasn’t a massive discrepancy, especially given that she has had children and so will have taken that hit with maternity leave etc. So he wasn’t earning significantly more than her (especially when you consider take home pay after tax etc. at that wage), so why is he behaving like he’s a Rockefeller?

Yes

Just to avoid guesswork: my old job was about £100k, new job £50k. DH's job now around £150k.

I think YABU in general, I do get why you’re pissed off at having to cancel your office day last minute but if it’s the case you might both need to be in the office on the same day you need proper wraparound care or back up care in place rather than expecting one of you to WFH, which presumably you can afford or could before you took a pay cut? I’m the much higher earner in our family and yes, while DHs job is also important, if one of us has to be flexible and take the hit at work it’s unfortunately him (eg if childcare falls through, kids home sick or whatever). Nothing to do with not respecting his job but it would be far worse for us as a family if I lost my job and with higher salary generally comes less flexibility. Obviously if he had an important meeting and I didn’t have client commitments that day I would stay home but the default is that he needs to step up for emergencies and that was the understanding before we even had kids. Also, not going to lie, I would be annoyed and probably not supportive if he wanted to take a 50% pay cut for a less stressful job, so if I were you I would be happy your DH agreed! Not saying it wasn’t right for your situation, just that being the higher earner/main breadwinner is very stressful at times and I can see where your DH is coming from if the agreement in taking a lower paid job was that you will prioritise everything kid-related. Sounds like you need to have a chat to better define what that actually means in practice.

Without knowing the exact numbers it’s likely to be difficult to say but I think the flexibility argument is a load of crap on 12 hours notice every week regardless of job. You might as well not have a job if he requires that level of responsiveness.

having said that. If he’s earning the big bucks why don’t you move closer to your offices?

I suppose I’m trying to understand why salary matters. Is it because he will get more tired so you can have more energy for house work? Is it because you do less hours so have more time for it? Is it because you are more ok to get fired so can be more tired?

Oh OP that’s even worse. Please do not hand all your power and financial future to a man who clearly isn’t bothered about your needs. The difference in your take home pay at that level would have been pretty marginal.

So is your new job way easier so you have all this extra time?

Did your husband support your change job?

The maths gives you the answer, however he should be considerate of your schedule where possible e.g. not overriding your mandated office day for no real reason, and not treat your job as inconsequential.

Just seen the update with salary. Fuck that for a game of soldiers. Set your days and get a nanny for those days to pick up.