Should DH's job come ahead of mine because he earns more?

[OpalFruitsAreBetter]

Both DH and I work full-time with two primary age DC.

DH is the main bread-winner by far - he earns over 3x my salary plus share options etc. It's a demanding and often stressful job, but he is something of a workaholic and he is chasing a promotion.

I recently took new role at a 50% pay cut due to burnout, general unhappiness with my job and the fact neither of us had enough time to devote to DC as we both worked way in excess of our contracted hours. My new job has a much better work-life balance but it's still full-time and I have a team to manage, deadlines to meet etc.

Part of the 'deal' with DH in me taking a lower-paid job was that I'd be able to pick up more of the day-to-day work of managing school pick ups, running the house etc. But I feel like DH has started treating it as if I don't have a job at all and arranges his schedule with little consideration of what my commitments are. For instance, I always have to try to fit my office days around his and never the other way round.

This is starting to cause tension but his trump card is always that we can live without my salary but we can't live without his. Which is true. And my workplace is much more understanding of the demands of being a working parent, which is also true.

So do I just accept that my work has to fit around his?

YABU - he's keeping the mortgage paid so his career comes first
YANBU - just because I'm paid less doesn't mean my job doesn't count

Yes sounds like his job should take priority, but that doesn’t mean he shouldn’t take you and your job into consideration. He’s taking the piss op

Quite happy with my decision to have a career, thanks.

Surely with that kind of money you could hire an after school nanny/an pair (if they are still.a thing) or find a child minder who is.open later than after school club

My DH is the bigger earner so I do try and flex to make things work for him where possible. However, there are also some non-negotiables with my work around hours on certain days and he honours this. If something comes up where there is a clash, we see what we can make work and if i cant change my hours or wfh then he accepts it. We’re a team and my job is important to me and our household income as a whole. It’s also about respect.

Yes, at those incomes I'd get a childminder, regular arrangement with a friend or after school nanny to do the pickups on your regular office days. Having to rearrange with no notice is not ok. Having the lower paying job doesn't mean you are worth no consideration at all, and maintaining the ability to have an income is very important even if you don't ever want to go back to the more stressful role.

Each to their own - it’s the kids I feel sorry for being sacrificed for the middle management ‘dream’.

But she might choose to ‘compromise’ her earning potential so the family unit prospers… honestly, some people successfully function in partnerships, doesn’t mean everything is equal or roses all the time for the partner picking up more at home, or the one stressed at work! Geez.

This^

What was the plan for childcare if you were both meant to be working tomorrow anyway? WFH shouldn't be used as childcare....

He’s in the wrong. He can’t commit to a schedule and just change it the night before. He knows the set up so if he wants total freedom to what ever he needs to find a solution.

He is behaving like he doesn’t have kids and a family. It’s not on. He is taking you for granted.

It’s good that you’re working even if you do t need the money. It’s security in case something happens to him or his job. It doesn’t hurt to have the extra cash. You can always step up the ranks again when the kids are older. You’re paying into a pension. Plus it’s good for you to be independent and not lose your marbles running after the kids. He needs to realise these benefits and have it pointed out that he will fuck up your career if he keeps switching his days.

Everyone I know who has tried that locally has had problems either finding something or it not being dependable. At least I know school wraparound it is basically 100% reliable.

I generally only need to be in the office 1 day a week, it shouldn't be impossible for us to make that work frankly.

Another couple who have children and want the best of both worlds!

I think the answer is, it depends. MN can be dumb about this and insist on 50:50. My DH has a well paying job that provides us with a nice lifestyle, and this means he can't decline a meeting with the CEO for school pick up. And I wouldn't expect it (in saying that if I had a meeting with the CEO I'm sure he'd make every effort for me)

You should never be made to feel that you don't matter or that you are somehow less than. However, the answer is clearly "yes", his job is more important than yours. It sounds like your family will cope without your income, but not without his. It sounds like you can afford to take a 50% wage cut, in order to facilitate a nicer work life balance, because his wage is high enough for you to do so. Draw some lines in the sand about what you still expect from each other, then don't let him shaft you. But yes YABU

This. It's a family and a partnership! Not a business transaction

Do you suspect that it’s not a genuine emergency but rather his choice without considering your job at all? If so his attitude is very wrong and it’s not about salary. You can’t sustain a career if your partner is not reliable.
If it was my DH l would believe that this change was 100% the genuine emergency which couldn’t be managed differently.

This!! Surely it depends

Of course your job counts but one of you has to pick up he slack.

My kids are older now but one has epilepsy so needs to be taken to regular hospital appointments. I have been with my employer for 10 years - my job is ok, I dont love it but its very, very flexible. I work 22 hours a week with set days but they are very flexible.

DH is self employed. If he doesnt go to work he doesnt get paid. He earns more (much more) in a day than I earn in a week. It doesnt make financial sense for him to take a day off to take our daughter to hospital when I can juggle my days off to take her. Its not ideal as I find my days off are often filled with hospital appointments but it would be ludicrous for him to lose out on that money for me to go to work.

This was the same when they were little. I did all the school pick ups, drop offs etc.

Was he doing 50% of pick ups / life admin / mental load etc when you reached burnout?

It's not just about the money though is it? Some jobs are more pressured and have more hanging on the person's presence.

For instance, if he's in the kind of job that resolves around getting contracts and being available when the client behind the potential mega money contract wants them to be, then it has to take priority over a job that's more relaxed.

Likewise a consultant surgeon's job is likely to take priority over their spouse's, if the latter is in a non-frantic office job.

They're in a holiday club but the hours are shorter than regular school wraparound so needs one of us at home to do the drop off and pick up.

I'd say more or less (more of some things, less of others but it worked out fairly equally).

You are both relatively high earners why don't you have more domestic/childcare help?

I think it makes a difference if he is on board with all money being family money and you are free to spend it, or if your money is yours and his is his.

Having said that, the detail you have described about your office day is him taking the piss. If I needed my partner to wfh I wouldn't land it on him in the evening at home, I'd email him at work so he could plan his day, or tell me 'no' earlier so I can sort a plan b. That's nothing to do with whose job is more crucial and just basic courtesy really. Your partner's attitude and behaviour is rude and would make me not want to put myself out for him.

We used to earn about the same, now he's had a promotion he has more flexibility, not less.

How the eff are the kids being ‘sacrificed’?

Having two working parents is the norm nowadays - well done to working families providing for their children 👏