Should DH's job come ahead of mine because he earns more?

[OpalFruitsAreBetter]

Both DH and I work full-time with two primary age DC.

DH is the main bread-winner by far - he earns over 3x my salary plus share options etc. It's a demanding and often stressful job, but he is something of a workaholic and he is chasing a promotion.

I recently took new role at a 50% pay cut due to burnout, general unhappiness with my job and the fact neither of us had enough time to devote to DC as we both worked way in excess of our contracted hours. My new job has a much better work-life balance but it's still full-time and I have a team to manage, deadlines to meet etc.

Part of the 'deal' with DH in me taking a lower-paid job was that I'd be able to pick up more of the day-to-day work of managing school pick ups, running the house etc. But I feel like DH has started treating it as if I don't have a job at all and arranges his schedule with little consideration of what my commitments are. For instance, I always have to try to fit my office days around his and never the other way round.

This is starting to cause tension but his trump card is always that we can live without my salary but we can't live without his. Which is true. And my workplace is much more understanding of the demands of being a working parent, which is also true.

So do I just accept that my work has to fit around his?

YABU - he's keeping the mortgage paid so his career comes first
YANBU - just because I'm paid less doesn't mean my job doesn't count

If DH took a 50% paycut for a more relaxed job and the agreement was that he picks up more of the day to day running around then yes, I would expect that he generally fits his career around mine.

Supposedly we do but in practice he has stuff that comes up.

What prompted this thread was that I was supposed to be in the office tomorrow. It's my regular office day. I'd double checked with him yesterday this didn't conflict with any plans of his. He's just walked in and announced he has to be in tomorrow, so I can't go in. I have a minimum contracted number of days in the office and I'm currently not meeting it because the last few weeks this has kept happening.

The issue is you took the cut to be available. I do get that shouldn't mean that it is ALWAYS you but you do need to have a proper conversation about expectations.

So what does he say when you say you aren't meeting the minimum office days?

Surprised by this. Yeah his job takes priority but that doesn't mean he gets to do the kind of things that would get you fired which, where I work, not meeting contracted office days, would. My job takes priority over my husbands because of a similar salary split but we still plan so we can both meet our minimum obligations.

Yes sorry I think if he earns more and you took a pay cut for work life balance you have to be more flexible.
Obviously things like office days need to be arranged in advance and stuck to so he cant just change his mind on that.

How much is he financially contributing to the household and how much are you contributing? Whoever contributes more has a more important job. It’s not rocket science.

Not sure why people try and engage in intellectual contortionism over the subject of main breadwinners etc. Unless you can run your household without cold hard cash, then more money means more important job.

Just imagine you both work in a similar place doing a similar job but he gets paid 3x more than you.
Neither of you get paid when not at work.

Which one of you would it be more sensible to take the day off if an errands needed doing or your kids need something?

So yes, his job is inherently more important because it brings in so much more money. Also you agreed to change jobs in order to be flexible. If you don't like being that flexible you may as well go back to the other work where you haven't the option of so much flexibility.

I can see why this has annoyed you.

Maybe the bigger question is why, considering you have a big household income, you don't have sufficient childcare to both be in the office?

My instinct says that the job that supports the family should be protected but every member of the family should feel valued and everyone should work to this. A joint agreement is needed to allocate tasks efficiently, equitably and with the wellbeing of everyone first in mind.
What does this look like? If one income can be lived on and both parents work, then other tasks needs to be outsourced? A good conversation about what tasks in the house each liven do easily, prefers or wants to do. Fair distribution of income in terms of access to money. A common goal in spending, saving and plans. But you need to be on the same page for this.

You seem to have taken a pay cut and you have a lot of responsibility - was the pay cut worth the benefits of a new role? How long do you plan to do this for? What is the effect on your pension etc?

It’s solvable with a shared goal.

Remind him hes the one going back on what you agreed and get childcare sorted. Hes deliberately sabotaging your career if he wasn't like this before and it will only get worse IMO.

No, he doesn’t get to treat you as if no arrangement you make matters at all because of his salary. Fuck that. The expectation is that he treats you as a partner and an equal, is respectful and courteous- or what’s the point?

This is unbalanced because you chose to reduce your income by half so you had less stress and had more time with the kids, that means DH’s job does need to come first because he can’t just choose to reduce his income.
You decided your job was less important when you took a 50% pay cut.

Well that’s not ok. There’s a massive difference between you fitting your job around his and you putting your whole job at risk. He’s completely disregarding you and your needs.

The family as a whole needs to come first. Not his job and not your job. He’s behaving like a twat. He needs to put in place a system that he can use if his work changes. So a nanny or call on family to help. I would be very firm on this. He has caused this problem and he needs to sort it out

So what does your work say when you dont do your office days?

Have you explained to your husband you have contracted days and what does he say?

Why cant you both go into office - what are your childcare arrangements?

Typically I’d agree with your DH (as long as he’s being respectful and courteous about it) but when I saw you had a £60k job it gave me pause, because I don’t think that an employer who’s paying you almost double the national average salary would be happy with the attitude that you need to be the flexible one because your husband’s job always takes priority. After all, in many households £60k is what the main breadwinner is earning. So I think you’re stuck between a rock and a hard place because if he carries on like this, your boss will have something to say eventually.

This Is totally unreasonable of your DH. Standard hours are not changeable or negotiable. I assume this would not have happened in your last role.

I know it's a bit of an overused term that people sometimes use to mean a bit worn out and frazzled but in my case I was very much on the cusp of full breakdown. So to some extent it was a choice to take a less demanding role, but continuing as things were was completely untenable.

It sounds like he is behaving like an arse.

He needs to not behave like an arse. You both have challenging jobs and schedules.

It's not necessarily about prioritisation and importance, but about him treating your commitments with respect, even if it may be impossible to avoid a clash.

It sounds primarily like an attitude thing.

But at your salary levels you can pay for additional help easily.

Our combined income is about £130k and whilst we’re not Rockefellers, we can afford childcare adequately.

Our after school nanny does additional hours in the holiday and it takes all the heat out of arrangements so we only have to cover actual emergencies. Our split is more £50k/£80k though and we both cover the same sort of share.

You're decision to take a 50% pay cut but still work full time seems strange under the circumstances.

I can't help but think it isn't the pay cut but the hours.

With your previous earning ability, would a role that cut your hours and the salary not have been a better option - e.g. 3 days a week or something.

Maybe it's just not the right role that works for you all as a family.

Given his income is significantly higher, that's the job I would be trying to protect.

What was the reason for taking a 50% pay cut but staying full time? I know you’ve said the new role is less demanding, but there are still only so many hours in the day. For that much of a reduction in pay could you not find something part time? If you’re now picking up more of the childcare/family admin but still working full time, you’re probably going to end up just as stressed as before.

I don’t see why you both can’t work the same day in the office? These are problems of your own making and you’re making them into big deals when they aren’t.

I really don’t get why this is even an issue. If your combined income is close to £240k as indicated by your response to PP then get a childminder or breakfast and after school club sorted out and both work?

My DC go in 7:30-6 every day because it’s just me and I have to work full time every day!

My last job was very commercial, target driven, needed to be responsive to clients constantly. Frequently worked double my contracted hours. People who worked there part-time still ended up doing way over their hours and found it very difficult not to be effectively on-call on the days they were supposedly not working. To have similar earning potential I'd need to do a similar role again and I just couldn't, I'm not cut out for it.

I'm in a totally different environment now but it has inherently much lower earning potential.