Should DH's job come ahead of mine because he earns more?

[OpalFruitsAreBetter]

Both DH and I work full-time with two primary age DC.

DH is the main bread-winner by far - he earns over 3x my salary plus share options etc. It's a demanding and often stressful job, but he is something of a workaholic and he is chasing a promotion.

I recently took new role at a 50% pay cut due to burnout, general unhappiness with my job and the fact neither of us had enough time to devote to DC as we both worked way in excess of our contracted hours. My new job has a much better work-life balance but it's still full-time and I have a team to manage, deadlines to meet etc.

Part of the 'deal' with DH in me taking a lower-paid job was that I'd be able to pick up more of the day-to-day work of managing school pick ups, running the house etc. But I feel like DH has started treating it as if I don't have a job at all and arranges his schedule with little consideration of what my commitments are. For instance, I always have to try to fit my office days around his and never the other way round.

This is starting to cause tension but his trump card is always that we can live without my salary but we can't live without his. Which is true. And my workplace is much more understanding of the demands of being a working parent, which is also true.

So do I just accept that my work has to fit around his?

YABU - he's keeping the mortgage paid so his career comes first
YANBU - just because I'm paid less doesn't mean my job doesn't count

Because household finances would be much worse if the highest earner lost their job.

She was earning £100k compared to his £150k. He was not earning significantly more than her but has clearly manipulated her and worn her down to the point that she has stepped away from a lucrative career.

Get a nanny? You can afford one and it would solve a lot of issues.

Finding a job closer to home would also be a good idea. A three hour daily commute isn't ideal.

so basically it’s about risking her losing her job?

Personally we always shared tasks. If DH was physically working more hours then of course I did extra before he got home. But if you’re both working the exact same hours then youll both be tired so share it. And if yoi can’t afford for you to lose your job then you need to not be exhausted/skipping work anyway. Sounds like your salary snd therefore your work is just as important.

Wow that's a reach. As I said in the opening post it was the demands of the job that were completely unsustainable, nothing to do with DH at all

You need to pay for good childcare.
Your husband clearly wants zero responsibility for his children and you are to do everything and take the financial and pension hit.
Very foolish.
Is he topping up your pension by the balance?
No? I thought not.

I voted UABU because I’m in your DH position. My job pays 4x DH job and it’s very responsible. I do a huge amount for the family/DC but I admit I do feel fed up when DH tries to put his work plans above mine. My job is essential, his is important because he loves it but it doesn’t pay the bills.

We have a similar set up and I take the hit mostly - scheduling around DCs, swapping days in the office, coming home early if we are both out of the home. My job is very flexible and it works out. If something had to give it would be my job every time… as kids get older it gets easier.

Yes 100% (though he could see the toll the last job was taking on me, no reasonable person would have expected me to try to carry on)

Re-read your own OP. And ask yourself what you would tell a friend who had posted the same. It’s all about him and his needs. And “he” pays the mortgage? And his demands are increasing as if you now do not even have a job? Come on OP.

But he’s now increasing his demands so the toll on you will remain won’t it? Except you now don’t get paid as much.

It's about frustration with the current situation. He had nothing whatsoever to do with why I stepped away from my last job, which was entirely to do with the job being high stress.

Meh; I’d NEVER compromise my earning potential to enable a bloke to prosper, ask him if he’d like to swap?

But you are not in the OP’s DH’s position, because you earn significantly more and also do a huge amount for the family. So you feeling fed up is valid. Neither yours nor the OP’s situations are an equal partnership.

I'd take the current situation over the previous situation every single day of the week. Doesn't mean I'm 100% happy with the current situation.

The problem is that you now can’t counteract his argument because you have bought into the idea that your needs are not as important, and as his wage grows (no doubt helped by your continued facilitation of his career at the expense of yours), the increasing disparity will make his behaviour worse. It’s a tale as old as time.

I think for me it depends on the repercussions of each decision.

You both have a job, both of those jobs “matter” if you want to use that word, but the job that has to take priority is the one you can’t afford to live without so if that means there comes a situation where you both need an office day or else you’d be in hot water at work, he needs to go in.

Under the circumstances you describe yes I think you do need to fit round his job. Maybe he fancies taking a massive paycut too because he is stressed.

Honestly 10 years ago I'd have said YABU, but having been through a cash crisis with my DH where I was the higher earner, he felt his job still took precedence and left me in the lunch trying to do a very responsible job and look after 2 kids under 3. I had to change job and we now earn the same but I still do most of the family work 😞

I’ve voted YABU on the basis your kids are in school until 6pm every day when they don’t ‘need’ to be given your husbands salary.

Did you even read the OP’s post and subsequent responses? It was her choice to take a lower paid job, and nothing at all to do with her DH or his career 🙄 Without her DH earning more it may not have been possible for her to even have this choice.

You are helping to facilitate his big job by looking after HIS dc, looking after HIS home, and still contributing by working FT…

so it sounds as if he is being U by forgetting this - your not a lady who lunches, you are a working parent too.

sounds like he needs reminding of this. Does he pay a proportionate share if the bills? Does he do his share with the dc and house at weekends?

It’s interesting that they were both struggling to make time for the family but it’s only the OP who took a step back isn’t it? If they had both looked for less stressful jobs and supported each other’s career changes I wonder how the dynamic would have looked now?

My friend and his wife have equally demanding jobs in different sectors. She earns more by my reckoning. They have each contracted their hours to a 4 day week so that between them they are able to cover childcare across 4 days and spend equal amounts of time with the children. That’s a partnership.

If I'd wanted to continue that job, or a similar job, I could have done. I didn't want to because I realised it was completely unsuitable for me. I didn't sacrifice my earning potential for him, I sacrificed it for my own mental health.

Both jobs matter but his should take priority. Like you say you can live without yours but you can’t live without his.