Should DH's job come ahead of mine because he earns more?

[OpalFruitsAreBetter]

Both DH and I work full-time with two primary age DC.

DH is the main bread-winner by far - he earns over 3x my salary plus share options etc. It's a demanding and often stressful job, but he is something of a workaholic and he is chasing a promotion.

I recently took new role at a 50% pay cut due to burnout, general unhappiness with my job and the fact neither of us had enough time to devote to DC as we both worked way in excess of our contracted hours. My new job has a much better work-life balance but it's still full-time and I have a team to manage, deadlines to meet etc.

Part of the 'deal' with DH in me taking a lower-paid job was that I'd be able to pick up more of the day-to-day work of managing school pick ups, running the house etc. But I feel like DH has started treating it as if I don't have a job at all and arranges his schedule with little consideration of what my commitments are. For instance, I always have to try to fit my office days around his and never the other way round.

This is starting to cause tension but his trump card is always that we can live without my salary but we can't live without his. Which is true. And my workplace is much more understanding of the demands of being a working parent, which is also true.

So do I just accept that my work has to fit around his?

YABU - he's keeping the mortgage paid so his career comes first
YANBU - just because I'm paid less doesn't mean my job doesn't count

In fact the opposite is true.

I earn considerably more than £150k.

i spend half my life moving meetings so i can accommodate child related pick ups. with the full knowledge and appreciation of my employer.

when you earn good money it’s because you are an asset and employers like to keep assets happy. They know they are getting value even if you’re stepping out for thirty mins. Pet.

so I’m always deeply suspicious when men with office based jobs say they cannot accommodate pick ups drop off assembly attendance. Because every corporate woman I know is doing just that.

I’m going to politely suggest that neither you nor anybody you know well has ever had one of these office jobs that pays £150k. Most of the adults I know well have jobs that pay at that level (or are SAHM) and they all do have exactly the kind of flexibility that OP is expecting.

FWIW I am a SAHP, DH earns significantly more than £150k and he still shows more consideration for my plans and commitments than OP’s DH is showing.

I’m also not sure what a “£150k lifestyle” is supposed to look like but I don’t think I got the memo.

He sounds a disorganised shit. You have choices. He'll find divorce expensive compared with being minimally considerate

You need to check your privilege a little bit.

Your level of income and mostly wfh office jobs gives you far more options than most.

I suppose it looks like a cleaner and hello fresh boxes and not worrying about paying your mortgage and having a car and going on holiday sometimes? You must understand that you are an inherently a privileged family who makes more money than the majority?

But we managed all of those things when our combined income was about 2x my current salary. Which was still well above the average household Income so we were comfortably off even then.

The main shift since DH increased his earnings is that much more goes into pensions and investments - and yes that future financial security and savings for the DC is obviously HUGE and worth more than any number of Hello Fresh boxes.

But for current day to day “lifestyle” - DH isn’t subsidising me and the idea that I am living extravagantly off the back of DH’s higher income just doesn’t reflect our reality at all.

If DH decided to give it all up tomorrow and take a £50k job too we’d be fine.

@OpalFruitsAreBetter Ok? But that’s your choice. You could also choose to make your life easier today by hiring appropriate help for your competing schedules. either you spend your time asking your husband to be flexible or you spend your time being flexible yourself or you spend your money on more help… these are the options. I hope you find a solution that works for your family. It would be great if your husband acted as you asked him to but he either can’t or won’t so I’m not sure what other options you have really.

Reverse the situation, his office colleagues notice he's often OOO at school
pick up time. Maybe some of them would like regular time off at pick up time. There is beginning to be a backlash against flexible working and stuff like this really pisses off childless colleagues and may affect his work situation.

If you cannot manage this between you then you need back up!

It’s completely within his company policy to have that level of flexibility. He has the right to it, he’s just not terribly good at using it. He’s typically working on evenings and weekend so he’s hardly slacking.

OP isn't a low earner, as many posters are implying. If he matched her income, and they had a household income of 100,000 they would manage.
He's acting like he's single handedly keeping the family afloat and he just isn't.

Her husband seems like just another man who doesn't value the effort it takes to manage children/childcare.

Finally- OP, can you honestly say that your husband is treating you with respect, and as an equal? Or like staff?

He is expected to WFH one pre-agreed day in a week to cover the pick up from school wrap around after his normal working hours. Nothing outlandish.

They could manage perfectly fine if he gave it a thought or just kept his word.

I get a lot of ads for Koru Kids after-school nannies - I've never used them but it seems to at least imply that this exists as a service, if this is not just a temporary summer holidays care thing OP? It seems relatively new.

I think you're NBU to want your job respected though, but if it's just those kinds of "ugh Keith put in a meeting" things then I'd just hold the line off when your office days are (in a sunny, calm sort of way) and make it so there is 0 flexibility, and he probably will find the next easiest path which would be the calendar block or whatever.

I agree ring fencing OPs one day in the office seems like the easiest way to go.

Her DH seemed to manage to do some drop offs and pick ups when OP was in higher earning role, so I suspect the issue here is that OP hasn’t been has hard line for her new position, to make things easier for her DH. Therefore DH no longer blocks out his calendar on the one day OP needs to go into the office. Therefore going back to a more hardcore approach for that one day of the week should force him to revert to blocking his calendar, and problem will be resolved without any need for discussions around the patriarchy.

I think basically you're right that I need to do be a bit more rigid about protecting my in-office days as I think he's just got a bit too comfortable with me being able to flex.

But my main issue, I think, having reflected on it since I posted this thread is that it is not so much the practicalities but DH's attitude.

As I've said, we're not wholly dependent on DH's current salary to keep the roof over our head and food on the table, we could manage comfortably on less. So there's an element of choice on both our parts - he's chosen a path to pursue a higher salary while I've chosen a path with a lower salary, but those were both choices, that have benefits and trade-offs for both of us.

So while I'm OK with the fact that DH gets the majority of the flexibility because his job pays more and is more demanding of his time, that doesn't relegate my job to being completely expendable and have no meaning beyond my salary - it's more than a simple financial transaction of me giving up my time 9-5 to get paid at the end of the month: I do it for challenge, purpose, self-esteem.

So I think I need a chat with DH about having more respect for the value of my work and my time. Even if it doesn't change much about the day-to-day flexibility I give him (and to be honest it doesn't need to change THAT much to work well for us), just getting more sense from him that he's respecting me and my work would go a long way to making it better.

Maybe use numbers.
Before you both had to do your equal share. Now you have more flexibility, but MORE means 80%, not 100%, you are still working full-time and earning relevant money afterall.

In practice it means that he needs to plan with your 1 day a week in the office. And, if he really needs, you can discuss switching the day (preferably for some earlier day, not a later one), but skipping it is taking it to far.

Potentially you could try planning with two weekly office days for you, and than it would be possible to skip the second one if the first one went ahead ok.

@OpalFruitsAreBetter I think that’s right, this is really about him respecting your role and commitments.

Then he’s being a dick. Simple.