DS16 came home drunk at 5am

[Worriedsick89]

Sorry this is a ramble and probably makes no sense but I’ve had no sleep and I’m honestly shaken up. Just don’t know what to do anymore. Posting for traffic.

DS is 16. Went out last night around 8pm, said he was going to play football with a couple mates down the park. He doesn’t go out loads so I thought ok fine, bit of fresh air. Said he’d be back by 10ish.

By 11 I’m calling him – nothing. Texted – ignored. Called again about 12:30 – phone off. Kept checking out the front window like a mad woman. DP’s working away til the end of the week and he’s not even DS’s dad anyway, they don’t get on at all, DS won’t even be in the same room as him half the time. So I was on my own stressing all night. He doesn't live with us anyway.

I was this close to ringing 101 around 4:30am. Then just after 5 the front door opened and he staggered in.

He was out of it. I’ve never seen him like that. Completely gone – slurring, eyes weird, laughing at nothing, barely able to walk. He reeked of vodka and something else I couldn’t even place. Couldn’t focus on anything I was saying. He just kept going “I’m fine” then nearly falling over. I had to practically drag him upstairs, he could barely get his shoes off.

He’s been in bed all day. It’s nearly 5pm now. He’s got up a few times to throw up, looks pale as anything, sweaty, shaky, not really with it. He keeps saying he’s ok but he’s not. Not like any hangover I’ve ever seen.

As far as I know he’s never taken drugs before. Might’ve had a few drinks here and there but he’s never come home like this.

Bit of background – he’s been difficult for a long time. Got booted out of school in year 10 after refusing to go in for weeks. Was meant to do home ed but that was a total waste of time, he just refused point blank. Tried him at one of those 14+ colleges that takes early leavers, thought maybe something more hands-on would help – lasted about 3 or 4 weeks then got kicked out again for not turning up and mouthing off.

Now he’s at home 24/7. Sleeps all day, up all night online. He’s obsessed with his phone, I’ve caught him watching proper nasty porn – not just normal stuff, like violent. I blocked the adult stuff on the WiFi and he exploded. Screaming at me, throwing stuff, called me a perv, smashed his controller. Didn’t speak to me properly for days. But he found a way round it anyway, hotspotting off his phone. I just can’t keep up.

He’s angry all the time. Slams doors, shouts in my face, gets right up close like he wants to intimidate me. Punched a hole in his wardrobe.

Doesn’t have any real friends anymore, just people on Snapchat and Discord. Always hiding his phone, I don’t know who half of them are. Sleeps odd hours, eats junk, and just sort of floats through the days.

I’ve tried getting help – rang the GP last year, but he refused to go in. Tried CAMHS, he told them to piss off on the phone and hung up. Youth support won’t deal with him unless he asks for it, and he just won’t.

I’m properly starting to worry about his mental health. There’s been signs for a while but no one wants to listen unless he’s the one asking for help, and he won’t.

But this morning… this was something else. I’ve never seen him like that. He looked… like someone I didn’t know. And now today he’s still sick, still not with it. I’m honestly scared.

Would IBU to try take him to A&E?? I don’t even know if they’d do anything. And he’ll probably go mad if I try and drag him there. But what if I don’t and it gets worse?

I am sorry the the person from CAMHS did not insist on talking to you. Had they done so they would have realised that this is a wider problem than just one evening. I am aware that teenagers need their privacy respected but I would have accepted his refusal to engage but have spoken to you ... I used to work for CAHMS. At the very least it would have given me a picture of the whole situation and opened up referral to other services for support for you.

It sounds like you are doing everything you can do.
It must be a huge worry for you.
When he says he will report you i would call his bluff and say go ahead. He is 16 . They probably won't care and will quickly learn he is not telling the truth
Also if he got put in care it may be a major wake up call for him.
Really all you and his dad have done is try to protect him. And he has behaved like a spoilt brat.

She ISN'T
OP mentioned they live in different homes

I would also imagine OP's son would hate anyone involved at the moment, and it's not about her son 'hating him'

Hi @Worriedsick89 I’m so sorry I don’t really have any advice but I’ve been following this thread and just want to give you a hug. I’m 26, with a 10 month old baby so I don’t have any experience of parenting a troubled teenager but bloody hell I can only imagine how much you’ve tried 🧡

Some people have said about getting a CAMHS referral through the GP – I know I can, and I probably will try, but I’m just worried it won’t actually help. The wait lists are so long and we could be months down the line before anyone sees him. I was really hoping the CAMHS visit in A&E would’ve been something, but if he’s not going to engage then there’s not much they can do, which is frustrating.

He came downstairs earlier and had some dinner. He looked better than yesterday, wasn’t sick or anything, but didn’t really say much. Just sat on his phone the whole time and went back up to his room after eating. That phone worries me more than anything. I’ve got no idea what he’s looking at or who he’s talking to. Just asking him to let me see it wouldn’t get me anywhere – it’s locked down with every security feature going and he’d probably throw it across the room before he handed it over. I do pay for top-ups using money his dad sends, but if I stopped that, he’d still be able to use it on the WiFi in the house. So threatening to stop it wouldn’t really achieve much.

I’ve spoken to his dad properly now and he said he’s going to tell his manager it’s an emergency so he can come down tomorrow for a few days. He said it’s not fair on me doing it all alone, and he’ll stay with DS so I can get out for a few hours. Not sure how well DS will take that – he’ll probably shut himself in his room or refuse to come out, but I’m absolutely exhausted. I haven’t had a proper break in so long.

Last time I left him home alone was back in April when I went to the supermarket. I was gone about an hour and came back to find he’d emptied a bottle of rum from the back of the cupboard. Said he thought I wouldn’t notice. He wasn’t drunk exactly but was clearly tipsy, and then blamed me for leaving alcohol where he could get it (it was behind the baking stuff – I genuinely forgot it was there). After that I haven’t dared leave him on his own for long.

Someone asked about PRUs – I honestly doubt he’d even turn up. That’s what was happening with school. He started at a new school here in Year 9, wasn’t rated great by Ofsted but it was the only one with places. The school he was meant to go to in Year 7 was full and it was already a nightmare getting him placed anywhere.

From the start it was one issue after another. I’d constantly be told “he’s clever but doesn’t use it the right way” – he’d give cocky, sarcastic answers to teachers, argue back, refuse to do work if he didn’t feel like it. He didn’t make friends, partly because everyone already had their groups, but also because he didn’t care to try. He’d say everyone was boring or too immature.

Then the school refusal started – first it was on PE days. He said boys made comments and accused him of looking at them. I spoke to the school, they said the boys denied it but they did try to help – offered him a different place to change etc. He kicked off and said that was discrimination, that he shouldn’t have to be separated. They tried to explain they were trying to make him more comfortable but he wouldn’t hear it. Then after that he just started refusing when he couldn’t be bothered. I took his devices but he’d just sleep all day and genuinely didn’t care.

We had multiple meetings – pastoral, education welfare. I was fined. His Year 10 attendance from September to Christmas was awful. He wasn’t officially kicked out as such, but the school admitted they didn’t know what else they could do and basically said it wasn’t working.

I tried to home ed but he wouldn’t engage with anything. Just stayed in his room and laughed when I tried to talk to him about it. In September I managed to get him into a 14+ college. He lasted about 4 weeks before he was off again – skipping, mouthing off, not turning up. He had a free bus pass so I ended up getting the bus with him and walking him up to the door to make sure he actually went in (parking was a nightmare, I couldn’t drive him every day), and he said I was embarrassing and ruining his life. Then he started just walking out halfway through the day.

Multiple different people – including staff at the college and some of the school support staff – have said they don’t think it’s SEN. But then I start doubting myself and wondering if I’ve missed something, and maybe it is just my parenting. I feel like I’ve done everything I can but it never feels like enough.

My hangovers last that too now, plenty sips of red lucozade and sleep and I forget saying `thats it, im never drinking again 😫'. 😆 🤣 😂

You have absolutely tried your best. It sounds like he’s destroying your life. He’s 16, I’d be asking him to leave. Sorry, but how long until he physically abuses you? Until the next session? Yes you did right sending him to hospital, think I missed the one when he was discharged, but it’s alcohol and drug abuse and that needs professional help. Early Intervention does teenagers as well if you can face more heartbreak. Can his dad have him till he’s 18?

Red lucozade? Not orange? Off to google...

@Worriedsick89 I wish I could advise more, but pp here seem to know quite a lot about services.

Oh dear, this all sounds so hard.

My son went feral around 14/15. Mainly weed, but other stuff too and alcohol. I had a few nights in A&E while he was coming down and raging, and having to listen to him making false accusations. He made one accusation about DH that could have had very serious repercussions. When he woke up the following morning and asked if DH was coming to pick us up, I exaggerated and said his accusation was being investigated and DH couldn't pick us up, so we would have to get a bus. He was mortified and immediately called a doctor over and said I didn't mean whatever I said about my dad, I don't know why I said it. Not sure if it was shame about what he said, or the prospect of getting a bus in the shambolic state he was in.

Now, I don't know your son, I can't say what you should or shouldn't do, but what I did was not engage in confrontation and had clear boundaries about what I would or wouldn't do. I would cook for him if he wanted dinner at dinner time, but my cafe closed at 8.00. After that it was cereal.

I couldn't force him to go to college etc., but I made it clear it was HIS life, HIS choice and I wasn't getting into endless arguments about it. Any comments about us ruining his life were not rebuffed, I just calmly asked what HE was planning to do about it.

I would often just take him a hot chocolate or a snack up to his room. I wouldn't try to engage with him, I would just put it down and leave the room. Sometimes I got a muffled "thanks" sometimes I didn't.

I do remember DH and I basically tag-teaming so one was in if the other was out.

I have nothing really constructive to offer you other than in our case we did come through it and DS is 23, since diagnosed with ASD and is actually very young for his age, but is working, has a good work ethic, contributes to the household budget very willingly and has said how much he appreciates that we stuck by him and that without us we would probably be dead by now.

I wish you well and hopefully you will come through it eventually 💐

Yes!! The original one in the red bottle, the orange one makes me feel even sicker 🤮

Sorry, that should say "without us HE would probably be dead by now"

@Flannelfeet oh dear! You're making ME feel like I've got a hangover now and I haven't drank anything 😆

You sure you haven't laced your coffee with a little dram today? 🤪

Aw I wish! It's been a budgeting week but payday Friday 🙂

@Worriedsick89 I’m glad that you have support on the way, even if ds doesn’t want him there. Sounds like you have had a really tough time.

Tell me about it!! Skint times here too! Think we both deserve a tipple on Friday and red lucozade at the ready for Saturday 🤣🤣🤣

Oh dear he sounds very angry at both you and his dad. He may have been feeling very frightened when you had cancer. He may be pushing you away / asking for attention as much as he can and trying to shock you with his antics. It must be very difficult- this is not a judgment! Just trying to see from possible perspective of his. I was a feral teen and put myself in very risky situations. it was all a cry for help. I would be worried he is putting himself at risk with older men. Sorry not to be more helpful

Gaymers Inc are worldwide, not just London! It's just the in-person events that are mostly in London. I think it would be good for him to have gay friends through hobbies, even if they're far away. As a young gay man it's really easy to get lost in the world of (chem)sex and partying. Meeting fellow gay men who he knows through middle of the road, non-sexual interests can make such a positive difference in how he feels about gay.

(I'm involved with LGBTQ sports clubs, which a lot of people join to meet people like themselves.)

It sounds like he is struggling and doesn’t know how to sort it out which has resulted in him lashing out.

He doesn’t seem to have a good friend or social network. He’s gay but not dating, just doing everything online. He’s dropped out of education, has no qualifications or job.

It seems he’s angry at the situation he is in (lonely/unemployed/aimless) and is being incredibly childish and blaming you and his dad. He sounds like a bit of a prick too- ‘I don’t care’ when he is making a child cry, I bet he’d change his tune if was a man or someone who could be threatening. He’s more than happy to bully his mother but then he’s whinging about not liking the sandwiches for sale. He needs to grow the fuck up.

I’m really sorry, OP, I feel for both you and him. It sounds like he’s pushing away you, his dad and any offers of help, but he sounds so vulnerable as well, I totally get why you are worried sick. I don’t imagine the opinions of strangers on mumsnet can make much difference but I think you sound like a really good mum, I would have taken him to A&E as well, you clearly love him and would do anything to help him. I imagine the stress of this must be incredibly draining. I am a Samaritans volunteer and we listen to lots of people like your son, either on the phone or using the chat option. And to plenty of exhausted, heart broken parents. Sometimes it’s easier to talk to a stranger than it is to your family, or Camhs. It might be worth suggesting, or trying yourself, you don’t have to be suicidal - just struggling, which it sounds like you both are. At some point things do seem to click for a lot of young people, although sometimes they have to hit a low point and really scare themselves - others just mature out of the anger, depression etc. sometimes it’s not about having or finding answers, it’s about finding strategies to hang on in there when it really does feel so bleak. Despite all his talk, he will know deep down you care. If you try to keep showing him that, hopefully he’ll find his way back to you.

Bit of a rough night here. I’m absolutely shattered again and just don’t know where to start anymore.

He had a shower last night and left the bathroom in a complete state – wet towels all over the floor, dirty clothes just dumped, water everywhere like he’d sprayed the shower head round the room. I went and calmly asked him to tidy it up and straight away he went off – saying how I “only ever tell him what to do”, that I “treat him like a fucking slave” and that he’s “not my cleaner”. Then he started this whole rant about how I never ask anyone else to do anything – which made no sense because it’s literally just me and him here. I even said that and he rolled his eyes and said “yeah exactly – because you’ve got no mates and no one wants to live with you”.

I told him again it wasn’t a big deal – just to take his stuff out with him – and he started saying I “should’ve had a fucking robot instead of a kid”.

I knew it was going nowhere so I just walked off – he was getting louder and I could tell if I stayed, it would turn into a screaming match.

Then around 2am I was woken up with him standing over me in my bedroom asking me to put money in his account. Literally no context – just said “can you put some money on now”. I asked what for and he said “not drugs” then laughed. I said not now – it was the middle of the night and I was asleep – and we could talk about it in the morning. He kept going on about how it would “only take one minute” and how I was “making it a massive thing for no reason” and I just said no again and told him to go to bed.

He stormed off to his room, slamming doors and shouting as he went – stuff like “fine, I’ll just steal it then shall I?” and “you’re actually so fucking selfish it’s unreal”. I got up at that point because I didn’t want the neighbours to hear and think something worse was going on. I told him to lower his voice and calm down, and he spun around and screamed “WHY ARE YOU FOLLOWING ME THEN YOU FUCKING PSYCHO?” then picked up his vape and threw it at the wall.

I know people will say I shouldn’t allow the vape but I’m genuinely scared of him when he gets like this.

After he threw it, he realised he couldn’t find it in his room because the whole place is a disaster zone – empty packets, cans, old clothes, socks, a hoodie with what looks like vomit on it – all just dumped on the floor. He started tipping everything over and shouting at me to help him find the vape, and when I said not when he was speaking to me like that, he screamed “then fuck off you useless fat cow” and “you don’t fucking do anything for me anyway except ruin my life”.

At one point he was saying I was “a sad little bitch” who “should’ve had an abortion”. Then he said, “no wonder dad left, I would too if I had to fucking live with you” – and honestly, that one stung. Even though I know it’s not really about me and he’s just lashing out, it still cuts.

Then he sat down suddenly and started fake crying and going “maybe I’ll just jump in front of a train – would that finally be enough for you to shut the fuck up then?” and then immediately laughed and said “nah I’d survive it and you’d probably blame me for wasting NHS time”.

Then it turned into muttering under his breath – things like “I could smash this house up so easily”, “you don’t fucking deserve me”, “everyone wishes you were dead anyway” – just awful, venomous stuff. He punched his wall at one point, and then blamed me for it – said it was my fault for “winding him up” and “making everything worse”.

I honestly didn’t know what he was going to do next.

This carried on till about 3:30. I didn’t sleep again after that – just lay there staring at the ceiling. He eventually went quiet. I’ve been downstairs since around 6 just trying to hold it together.

He’s still asleep now. His dad’s still planning to come down today – either this afternoon or evening depending on when he gets off work. He’s got cover now so he can stay a few days. He said it’s not fair me dealing with this all the time and that if he’s here, I can go out or get some space. I’m grateful – I really am – but I also don’t know how DS is going to react. He hates both of us at the moment and I just don’t know what else we’re meant to do. Every single thing is a battle. I try to set any kind of boundary and it turns into war. It’s like he has to be in control of every conversation, every situation, and if he’s not – he loses it.

I keep thinking about what people have said about being vulnerable and ending up down the wrong path and I just… I’m scared. I really am. He’s angry all the time, he talks about stealing, hurting people, talks about suicide then laughs about it – how long before something actually happens? What if he ends up in prison or hurting someone or himself?

I know people say “get help” – and I’m trying – but if he won’t take the help, if he screams at everyone and refuses to talk to professionals, what else is there? I’ve tried parenting courses, I’ve read all the books, I’ve begged, I’ve cried, I’ve shouted, I’ve tried being calm – nothing changes. I feel like I’m losing him and I don’t know how to stop it.

Oh no that sounds horrible - do you have any fears for your own safety?

I really hope more expert people come along soon 💐

Hi OP.
What is happening with his schooling? Did you withdraw him to be electively home educated or is he still on roll somewhere?

I’m so sorry, it sounds horrendous.

I think it’s good his father is coming, two heads are better than one and all that.

I wonder what he wanted money for at that time of night? I’d be worried it was drugs as he’s obviously been experimenting.

It’s so hard when he doesn’t want the help. All I can suggest is if he gets physical, call the police immediately. He needs to see consequences for his actions.