DS16 came home drunk at 5am

[Worriedsick89]

Sorry this is a ramble and probably makes no sense but I’ve had no sleep and I’m honestly shaken up. Just don’t know what to do anymore. Posting for traffic.

DS is 16. Went out last night around 8pm, said he was going to play football with a couple mates down the park. He doesn’t go out loads so I thought ok fine, bit of fresh air. Said he’d be back by 10ish.

By 11 I’m calling him – nothing. Texted – ignored. Called again about 12:30 – phone off. Kept checking out the front window like a mad woman. DP’s working away til the end of the week and he’s not even DS’s dad anyway, they don’t get on at all, DS won’t even be in the same room as him half the time. So I was on my own stressing all night. He doesn't live with us anyway.

I was this close to ringing 101 around 4:30am. Then just after 5 the front door opened and he staggered in.

He was out of it. I’ve never seen him like that. Completely gone – slurring, eyes weird, laughing at nothing, barely able to walk. He reeked of vodka and something else I couldn’t even place. Couldn’t focus on anything I was saying. He just kept going “I’m fine” then nearly falling over. I had to practically drag him upstairs, he could barely get his shoes off.

He’s been in bed all day. It’s nearly 5pm now. He’s got up a few times to throw up, looks pale as anything, sweaty, shaky, not really with it. He keeps saying he’s ok but he’s not. Not like any hangover I’ve ever seen.

As far as I know he’s never taken drugs before. Might’ve had a few drinks here and there but he’s never come home like this.

Bit of background – he’s been difficult for a long time. Got booted out of school in year 10 after refusing to go in for weeks. Was meant to do home ed but that was a total waste of time, he just refused point blank. Tried him at one of those 14+ colleges that takes early leavers, thought maybe something more hands-on would help – lasted about 3 or 4 weeks then got kicked out again for not turning up and mouthing off.

Now he’s at home 24/7. Sleeps all day, up all night online. He’s obsessed with his phone, I’ve caught him watching proper nasty porn – not just normal stuff, like violent. I blocked the adult stuff on the WiFi and he exploded. Screaming at me, throwing stuff, called me a perv, smashed his controller. Didn’t speak to me properly for days. But he found a way round it anyway, hotspotting off his phone. I just can’t keep up.

He’s angry all the time. Slams doors, shouts in my face, gets right up close like he wants to intimidate me. Punched a hole in his wardrobe.

Doesn’t have any real friends anymore, just people on Snapchat and Discord. Always hiding his phone, I don’t know who half of them are. Sleeps odd hours, eats junk, and just sort of floats through the days.

I’ve tried getting help – rang the GP last year, but he refused to go in. Tried CAMHS, he told them to piss off on the phone and hung up. Youth support won’t deal with him unless he asks for it, and he just won’t.

I’m properly starting to worry about his mental health. There’s been signs for a while but no one wants to listen unless he’s the one asking for help, and he won’t.

But this morning… this was something else. I’ve never seen him like that. He looked… like someone I didn’t know. And now today he’s still sick, still not with it. I’m honestly scared.

Would IBU to try take him to A&E?? I don’t even know if they’d do anything. And he’ll probably go mad if I try and drag him there. But what if I don’t and it gets worse?

And you’re admitting it? 😳

Goodness me. Thankfully you’re not his mum.

I really feel for you, OP. I have a 17 year old who isn’t to that extreme, but who really worries me for reasons I won’t go into here. I have told him he has to be in college or a job or he’s out, and he will be rendered homeless at 18 as he too is currently drifting like a wastrel. This is my home that I have worked hard for, I have another child to raise and I cannot let this consume us as a family. I have told my son I will always love and support him every step
of the way in doing something constructive, but I will not enable him to be a non-contributing or useless member of society. I think if you’re paying his phone bill, stop doing so. If he gets any income from you at all, stop providing it. Provide the basics for clothes, of course food etc but zero luxuries at all. There’s lots of good advice here from other posters about services you can access, and I know it’s easier said than done to implement these things, but we are the ones who put phones into the hands of children, so we have to pull the pin on them if need be too. Someone else suggested keeping valuables and money secured from him so he can’t be forced to steal from you, and look for ways to ensure he can’t be in the house without you if at all possible. If you’re going to cut off his phone, I’d maybe consider that advice too. But the phone needs to go as it is key, he can use it to override the WiFi, it may be how he’s being contacted if he is running county lines, and he will definitely be using it to access porn. If nothing else, it will at least inconvenience him, but stand your ground when he kicks off. And try to remember when he’s being an arsehole who thinks he’s a man that he is still the child in this relationship, and it’s your house, and that while you can do everything you possibly can for him to help him get his life on track, he is ultimately responsible for his decisions, and he will have to live with them. You must (and I am sure you do already) do all you can as a parent but you can only do so much.
I wish you the very best of luck.

I have had hangovers so bad I was being sick for 12 hours later and couldn't move or do anything. And at 16 I was reguarly partying until the next day with no sleep. It isnt anything to be proud of but I don't think its abnormal.

I am a professional adult now and don't even drink.

I understand you are worried, but it does seem like a very bad hangover. I would give it a bit more time. He likely won't surface until tomorrow now when you can have a conversation with him.

Yes I can. But to try and compete with another poster on their own thread saying she wishes she was them as if OPs life is so much easier is not ok. PP can make their own thread if they need support

Just to answer some of the questions – yes, I do know he’s gay. He never sat me down and told me as such, but when he was around 14 he made a comment about a guy on the TV being fit and I just smiled and said “he is” and that was that. I didn’t make a big thing out of it because I didn’t want it to feel like a thing, if that makes sense? He knows I don’t care who he fancies, as long as he’s safe and happy. But when I blocked the porn recently he flew off the handle and started accusing me of being homophobic and saying if he was straight I wouldn’t have an issue – I would, btw. It wasn’t about who he was watching, it was the violent stuff. But once he got that idea in his head, I couldn’t reason with him.

His dad found out he was gay when he was 13, so I don’t think he’s struggling with his sexuality itself. He’s said before it’s just something he’s always known, and tbh I believe him. There’s been no shame around it with me.

Now the drip feed… which I’ve been dreading putting on here because I know how it’s going to sound.

A few months into the first lockdown, I was diagnosed with cervical cancer. As a single mum with barely any family support and shielding for treatment, DS went to live with his dad. It was meant to be temporary, but he started Year 7 there and got settled – made friends, was doing okay, even had school counselling. I had my treatment and a hysterectomy, and once I was recovering we were still in contact, and I saw him as much as I could.

Fast forward to 2022, just after he turned 13 – his dad found out he was planning to get a train to meet a 17 year old boy he said was his boyfriend. Turns out DS had used fake pictures off Google and pretended to be 15. At some point he came clean and said he was 13 (he was actually 12 when they first started talking). His dad took the phone, made him delete all his socials, changed his number and told him he was too young to know he was gay. He didn’t report anything (I would’ve, 100%). DS came back to me that summer and refused to see his dad again. I only found out the full story a year later when DS told me himself.

He told me he lied at first because he didn’t want to be him, he wanted to be someone else. He was angry at his dad for “ruining it” because apparently he looked forward to talking to that boy every day. I’ve seen some of the messages (his dad had screenshots) and although DS didn’t send pictures or anything, they were very explicit. DS is adamant he wasn’t groomed. He still says he loved him. He won’t talk to anyone about it because “there’s nothing to say”. I wish he could’ve stayed living with me, I always checked his devices but he was always with me in the living room anyway so I knew what he was doing.

Last year he managed to find this boy’s socials again. The boy told him it was all fake and he never loved him, said they shouldn’t have been talking and then blocked him. DS was devastated. He blames his dad for all of it – says if he hadn’t interfered they’d still be in touch.

His dad has since admitted he handled it badly. He regrets saying DS was too young to know he was gay and said he just panicked.

I’ve thought about mentioning all of this to CAMHS later – just to give them the full picture – but he’ll go mad if he finds out I said anything. So I’m hoping I can speak to someone away from him, otherwise I’ll have to leave it for now.

Not loads has happened since my last update. He’s still being monitored. No vomiting. HR still a bit high but better than it was. I suggested a urine test to him before the nurses did and he just said no and looked away.

He’s started moaning about a child crying (we’re in children’s A&E despite him being 16 – I think that’s unusual for most hospitals tbh?) and then complaining he’s hungry but I think because we’re not on a ward they can’t give him anything. I suggested a sandwich and he snapped and said “you know I hate sandwiches” then started shouting that I was starving him. I told him the child’s probably crying because they can hear him and he just said he didn’t care. I’m so embarrassed.

CAMHS still haven’t been yet.

Please take all the help you can get. Your DS sounds extremely vulnerable. If this were my child I would be really concerned that eg an older man had slipped him a date rape drug. I would be getting him back to school with the help of all services and limiting all online access. You should mention absolutely everything to CAMHS but maybe not in front of him.

Just wanted to say it's not unusual for 16 year olds to be seen in childrens A&E. We had this happen with our daughter some years ago and often means they will be seen quicker than in normal A&E. Hope you get some answers soon.

You've both had such a rough run of it! Please don't blame yourself for this, you've always done what you felt was best at the time and that's all you can do. It sounds like his dad cares a lot about him too.

Do you think there's a chance he might have been spiked and/or assaulted? A few of the things you've said have pointed towards this.

I hope cahms can get some support in place.

It is not just a bad hangover - he has a consistently high heart rate which is indicative of drug taking. The hospital is taking it seriously and providing him with the right ncare; and the OP did absolutely the right thing in taking him there.

I’m just sat here going over every decision I’ve made for the last 5 years and wondering what else I could’ve done. I feel like I’ve been screaming into the void trying to get help for him for ages and no one’s heard me till now.

This isn't your fault, @Worriedsick89 . If someone's going to experiment with stuff, whether it's booze, drugs or dodgy online stuff, they'll find a way whatever.

My parents were happily married. I grew up in a comfortably-off, middle-class family, got a scholarship to an independent school, had pretty much everything I wanted (bar a pony) and I still went massively off the rails. I was drinking alcohol at 13, smoking dope and taking acid at 14 and cocaine at 16. I was just a stupid kid who thought it was cool and, to be honest, I enjoyed it. I calmed down a lot once I left home at 18 and moved into a flat with my boyfriend.

You can't alter the fact that help for teens who are struggling is woefully inadequate and, in a lot of areas, might as well be non-existent. CAMHS here might as well not exist. It's so under-resourced here that only children with the highest level of need get any help whatsoever. Kids are waiting years for assessment, never mind treatment/therapy.

Children's MH has deteriorated generally, the reasons for which are a topic for another thread, so need has increased while resources have been reduced or, at best, remained the same.

Schools seem so obsessed with league tables and uniform rules etc that it often seems that they're not prepared to devote resources to support children who are struggling, academically, socially or emotionally.

It's no wonder that things just fall apart for some young people and even a supermum couldn't prevent it imo.

Oh I didnt see all the updates. Yes good he is getting some proper care :((

Your ex did nothing wrong in stopping DS from meeting the older lad, and his comment that DS was too young to really know his sexuality may have been wrong but certainly understandable.

16 is a bloody awful age - all those hormones raging around and I'm sure he's tried a drug on top of a load of vodka.

In short - he's being a teenager and I'm sure he'll grow out of it in Time.

He'll rage and blame you both for EVERYTHING but try to take it with a bucket of salt. It'll pass.

All you can do is firefight the crap he's doing till he comes out of this hormonal angst.

Best of luck to you!

Does he know any gay boys or men in real life? It's hard when you feel alone. Switchboard may be good for him to have a chat/text with to anonymously talk about what really happened.
https://switchboard.lgbt

Longer term, maybe there's a supportive LGBT group that would help him. Gaymers have a Discord and Facebook, and events in London https://gaymersinc.com/

I am also concerned he's been drugged and assaulted. For his future safety he needs to know about sex and the risks of e.g. Grindr. Maybe watch Four Lives together.
https://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episodes/m00134hr/four-lives

I hope you've reassured him that you don't care whether he's taken drugs - you just want him to get the right treatment. And you need to offer to leave the room so you can't hear whatever he says to staff.

Hope he is starting to improve - but if he won't go to a GP appointment, what is the likelihood of him agreeing to go to A&E?
And wait there for a few hours before he is seen?

I suggest reading through the comments?
He has been in hospital since last night!

Hoping he can be seen soon and then you can make your way back home, it's tiring hanging around hospital

Oh god, this is awful to deal with, what a nightmare for you.

I'm glad he's on the mend, but it really does sound like more than alcohol.

I'm having lots of issues with my ds13, but I'm getting lots of help in place for him. I've found the following really helpful:

Child Services - don't be freaked out, they're really helpful and supportive but it can take a while, so self refer now.

Action for Children - Parent Talk - you can access this for help, support and advice, I used WhatsApp as that was most convenient. You can literally do it now while you're sat in hospital. Lovely, lovely people https://parents.actionforchildren.org.uk/other-helplines-and-support/

But please, you have to put sanctions in place if he continues to behave badly, swear at you, shout at you etc. It's unacceptable, and the advice that I've had is that a child, because that's what he is, often feels safer and more secure with firm boundaries in place.

Thanks again everyone. Just wanted to post a bit of an update and answer some of the questions.

On Monday night when he went out, he told me he was playing football with some lads around 15/16 that live near us. They’re not exactly friends, but he’s gone out with them before so I didn’t think much of it. I was actually glad he went out tbh – like I’ve said upthread, he barely leaves the house most days. But today he’s told me he was drinking on his own.

CAMHS came to see him a little while after my last post. He was being sarcastic at first, giving one-word answers and then said he didn’t want to talk to them with me there. So I left him with them – but they weren’t even in with him 5 minutes before they came back out. Said he wasn’t engaging, told them he didn’t need help and to stop getting in his business. I tried to speak to them myself but he came out before I had the chance.

He was then discharged not long after. We popped into WHSmith to get him something to eat. He kicked off because they didn’t have what he wanted and then said he’d just get chocolate. I told him he needed something proper (partly because I didn’t want him being sick again tbh) and that was clearly the wrong thing to say – he shoved past me and stormed off. Nearly walked into a woman with a pram. When I caught up with him he started saying I was starving him and he was going to report me. Then he said he needed the toilet – he was in there for nearly 15 mins, I was just about to go and ask someone to check when he came out like nothing had happened.

He went straight to bed when we got in and he’s still fast asleep now.

His dad’s said he’s going to try and come down at the weekend. DS won’t want to see him but I said it’s his decision and I’m not stopping him.

If he was still in school, he’d have finished Year 11 this year – so college or sixth form should be next, but he’s saying he’s not going. Not even a different one this time. I can’t have a serious conversation with him about it because every time I try, he turns it into a joke – says he’ll do “OnlyFans when he’s 18” or find a “sugar daddy” and smirks so I know he’s not being serious. But he does it every time. Just shuts me down with sarcasm and acts like I’m the weird one for even asking.

I do worry he’s vulnerable re: older men and possibly being spiked. It’s something that’s sat in the back of my mind for a while now and in a way, I’m glad he doesn’t go out much. At least I know where he is.

I’m also glad now that my ex stopped him meeting that older boy back then – even though DS still blames him for it. That case with Breck Bednar haunts me sometimes tbh. I’ve tried to talk to him about the risks of stuff like Grindr etc. He’s joked before saying “Grindr’s full of old men that would love me” and then laughed when I said that wasn’t funny. Any time I bring up safe sex or boundaries or anything like that, he just calls me a perv and says it’s weird and “I’m not talking about that with you”.

He doesn’t have any gay friends in real life and I don’t know who he talks to online. That part really worries me.

Thanks for the links – I’ll check them out. We’re not in London unfortunately, so no access to Gaymers stuff or anything like that but I’ll see what’s more local.

Still feel like we’re no further on than we were yesterday morning tbh.

@Worriedsick89 Well you can still contact GP and ask for a referral to CAHMS and psychiatry (for a general assesment, mention possibilityof drugs and say your worried about psychosis down the line etc), even if your not they'll speed up a referral for that and get him a proper assesment. You can tell the GP all the history which you didn't get time for at A&E. Then maybe try and get in contact with the council around some form of education he's only 16 so still needs to be in full-time education. They can get him into a PRU (which can be great and offer better 1-1 support). If not in September try and get in contact with his last school and ask for better support, ask to speak to the DSL because they can still play a role of getting you in contact with other services.

Then maybe Google whatever your local area is IAPT services and self-refer to that. Honestly think it's poor of them to leave him after 5 minutes because he doesn't engage. He's been through so much, he's not going to trust strangers like that, therapy and services like it take time to build a relationship where he engages more. Good luck OP.

Hello @Worriedsick89 glad to see your update.. I’ve been checking back to see how you were getting on. Good that his dad is coming to see him- he’s still a child so unless his dad is really toxic I think it’s not his choice whether to see him or not tbh.

The mentioning of men several times is worrying. I (think) I’ve read all of your posts and it seems to crop up again here and there… I wonder if he is talking to men online.. (possibly gay?)but the worrying part in my mind is if he’s engaging in sexual activity with men/older men (or anyone tbh) that is organising online and taking drugs. It could be a long shot on my part but reading between the lines I wonder if it’s something like that.. he is clearly deeply upset about something - maybe his dad? Does he feel rejected by his dad? Why does he hold this hatred for him?

Any chance you can get in touch with cahms again? Even if it’s just through the hospital and a chat with the same person you spoke to there to follow up and see what else they or you can do in the way of support.

I think you need to take his phone; obviously very hard to do at his age but really I suspect he’s not safe. I think given how serious this is now, could his dad stay with you for a week or so? That way you’d have some support and he might feel his dad does care.. I know that seems a complex situation and extreme but honestly I think without extreme action on your part you may well lose your son; either just to drugs or worse to an overdose or accident if he is putting himself at serious risk.

best of luck xx

It’s also very possible he is sending pictures etc online - it’s really quite dangerous. Another thought I had was could you organise a policeman to come and explain to him the dangers of online chatting etc..

Yeah this.

call his buff.

he sounds absolutely awful. He is a compulsive liar and I think this is bordering on domestic abuse (him to you, OP)

what a horrible kid

He doesn't sound safe at all, I feel like he's hiding some really bad stuff.

What do you think he truly wants, ultimately?