To be alarmed that he wants to move in.

[OldLobster]

Maybe I'm being too territorial / selfish but I'd like some second opinions...I'd like to add from the start that no children are involved in this muddle!

Met DP about 2 years ago. He had been separated for several years at that point but he and ex-wife put off selling the house while their daughter took A levels and then went to uni locally...during this time he slept in a little annex they had in the garden...no room for doubt there as I have met and spoken to ex-wife who seems nice (but very different personality to DP) she was aware of me from the start and I have observed said annex. Their daughter has now finished her course and started a job away from home and they have just put their house on the market.

From the start DP Used to come round to see me unannounced...staying over gradually became 3 then 4 then 5 nights a week although he would go home to shower, wash clothes etc. At one point he asked if we could spend more time together and I said I'd prefer to keep it at 3 or 4 nights a week...which he ignored. Yes, at this point I should have stood my ground but pathetically, I did not. My house is tiny and I work from home. We split cooking and food costs but I found it quite tiring because possibly due to upbringing and poor boundary management I always felt in hostess mode and behaved in the way I would if a friend or relative came to stay....I love my family but I'd be exhausted if they stayed for months...and miss my own space. I've tried to explain this to him...that this setup is very different from the dynamic or sharing a home together (as I've done with previous partners).

Predictably, and here we enter territory where cocklodger comments are likely and justified, the bills went up, heating, oven on all the time etc. I'd be a little more prudent when living alone. He didn't offer any help or any little token as I would when staying with a friend. Slightly tricky as he is seldom here during the day except at weekends. I've not given him a key. He doesn't live here but spends most of his free time here amd every night.

I felt embarrassed mentioning that the bills had gone up which i did after 3 months, he did actually push back a little when I did so but then started giving me the amount by which they had increased. I felt shoddy even asking.

I'd like a break from this arrangement ...so have suggested that before we look at him moving in properly or of getting somewhere together, we perhaps spend 3 months sharing an off season rental (there are lots of holiday cottages where we live and during the winter these are no more expensive than my mortage). Our incomes are similar but I have a fairly large mortgage that takes up half of mine and DP will, in addition, be getting bank interest on his house sale money. This little break would give me a chance to see what its like to live together rather than in my home where most of the costs and upkeep naturally fall to me. As mentioned, my house is tiny...there's barely room for my belongings
Dps bank interest alone would cover most of the rental and it would only be for a few months.

He likes the idea however has stated that he doesn't want to pay for it all and will only entertain it if i pay half..instead he'd like to stay at mine, paying 400 per month (my mortgage is 3 x this).

I'm not usually tight-fisted but in this case am I, for feeling that he should really be offering to take on this responsibility, just fora few months, as I have done so for 18 months?

It's so sad. The awful thing is that the partner who's desperate for a relationship doesn't seem to realise that this isn't a relationship. It's not even an 'arrangement'. At least if you're paying a (ahem) professional for their services both parties know that's the deal from the outset.

This is OP funding a one sided fantasy relationship with a grifting thief who will take her for everything. We all know the most likely outcome is her subbing him, while he lives off his divorce money for buttons in her house. Twat will probably try and claim some of her house as well if she tries to kick him out.

I did a trial living together with someone once. He made such a fuss about paying his way that I called time on it early and went back to the original arrangement. Me in my flat, him at his mother's and he visited me a couple of nights per week. He never quite recovered from me not putting up with his shit. He thought I was joking when I said the trial was done. I knew I wasn't. 😂

He really does gaslight you!
We aren’t students , well why is he expecting to take from and not pay if he isn’t a student?

Also gaslighting you that you are after men’s money . To distract from it being him who is wanting to take from you.

Please end this relationship he isn’t nice he won’t change .

£350 a month to live with someone and all that comes with this man .

You couldn’t pay me £3500
He will take in more ways than financially op.

I don't think it helps to call him a "grifter" or whatever, because there are probably times when he does things OP is grateful for. Particuarly as he is not consistent about this, so even more grateful when they do happen!

OP I bet you have a vision of everyone here drumming their fingers and glaring at you for not doing as you're told. I know how hard it is to accept that you have the absolute right to drop him from your life!

I also suspect you don't have any problem being alone and would relish being in your neat little home by yourself. You just don't feel you have the right to impose that on him, because he wants something different. It took me a long time to get to grips with this, too.

Was your father a fragile-ego dominating presence in your childhood? Just curious...!

Where will he stay while you are away?
Not in your home as he doesn’t live there ?

Sorry, did you just imply that OP is 'even more grateful' when this bloke actually does something decent because it's so infrequent?

Yes, have you ever been stuck in an abusive relationship? That's how it works, I'm afraid. I know it's not logical or fair, that's not really the point...!

Absolutely agree. I came out of a 23 year marriage and was terrified of being single so jumped into a rebound with a man who, quite frankly, I wouldn’t have touched with a bargepole had I been in a better headspace

The relationship was nowhere near as bad as a lot I read about on MN and he didn’t freeload but he was jealous and controlling - it just took me a while to see it.

I’ve now been single 5 years and I can not imagine ever cohabiting again. I’m not sure I can even be arsed with any sort of relationship again tbh.

I wish I knew then what o know now that being single is so liberating and peaceful.

I have been actually. If you read my previous posts, I addressed one specifically to OP as she was feeling the pressure from us and I decided to disclose.

I know about lovebombing, coercive control, the shame of not being able to tell anyone and the devastating aftermath that takes years to recover from, if ever fully. I know that this can change your life in ways you never imagined and the feeling of being in a bubble and screaming but no one around you can hear.

The gaslighting, the smear campaign that starts months before the discard, the plans to sabotage and harm your life all from a smiling assassin who saw you coming. The vulnerability you don't know you emit. The red flashing light that draws in twats like this from miles away.

Not one poster here wants OP to go through that. She's already in the trenches and many of us know where this goes.

So you must also recognise the relief and gratitude when things are "going well"?

Sorry for your experiences too!

You will get there OP, you can’t see a way out just yet but you will. Keep reading everything you can on here and in books and you will gain strength and confidence just like I did. I would also recommend reading Your Not The Problem, it helped me immensely. Start small, say no to something or ask for something and just sit with the discomfort instead of trying to make him feel better. Once you have done it once it gets easier. From a reformed doormat 😊

I suppose what I'm trying to say OP is that when you read people dismissing him as a toad, in your head you might be thinking "Ah, but he's lovely when..." so it's never that simple. Of course there are things about him you appreciate, and times when he is nice to be with!

But this is not a good person in your life if he rides roughshod over your needs, even if you haven't been very good at outlining or enforcing them. Don't worry that that's your fault and everything would be OK if you could somehow be more forceful. You know you never will 😉 and that's OK. (Also, by the way, they wouldn't! An opportunist will always seek their next opportunity!)

The only person to allow into your life is someone who is sensitive to your needs and respects them. There is absolutely no evidence of this with your "partner" - quite the opposite.

Hard to believe, I know, but my now-DH knows what I want even without me saying it, and anticipates how to make me happy! I no longer need to worry about being "weak" or "spineless" because I'm not being exploited for someone else's convenience. Someone else is actually looking out for my welfare. Mindblowing, eh?!

Imagine a life where you didn't have to worry about things going the wrong way because you're not gripping the steering wheel tightly enough. With a personality like ours, there are two ways to achieve this: (1) be single; or (2) don't allow anyone into your life who takes advantage of you. I know that it can be hard to spot being taken advantage of, because it's second nature... trust your gut. How relaxed do you feel that things will go your way if you just let them unfold?

God no! Don't risk your house!

He can get his own place when his house sells and you can freeload round there. See how he likes it....

How old are you OP?

My sister has got to this stage. She's 41, looks 31 is beautiful and could find a man tomorrow if she wanted, she just doesn't want to. She often says 'no man is getting his boots under my table' and I don't blame her.

I would never cohabit with someone if anything happened to my DH.

This. Along with maybe even calling it a day with him.

Do not be bullied or guilted into more than you want.

He didn't and still doesn't respect your autonomy op, you told him from the start 2-3 nights is fine by you but he pushed and pushed until he managed to stay 7 days a week for 18months.
He is a bully, he forced his way into your home, it's almost like a rape and I don't say that lightly at all. He has forced his presence upon you for nearly 2 yrs because it suits him and him alone.

Ok, I understand what you mean. Yes, the gratitude when he's done something 'nice'. It read to me that you think he's actually being nice in those moments and OP is even more grateful for it because it's so infrequent.

I see from further updates you know he's not being nice. It's a calculated move in the push-pull dynamic that has you wringing out your brain cells for the dopamine hit. Which is the real problem in abusive relationships. The lovebombing gets you hooked and then the games begin.

These people are so dangerous.

Do you have anyone who could stay with you a short time?

Like an exterminator?

This 100%!

I wonder! Do you know how old he is? Is he, for instance, near retirement or retired early?

Do you know him well enough to know if he has a pension pot or is relying on just the state pension?

It could be anything, but he is not acting like a loving partner, and although some older men have made lovely husbands or partners, you have to be sure that you will not end up caring for a man who didn't bother to save for a pension, or didn't have a work one. He may drain your savings and leave you without security.

If it were me I would not let him in to live on any sort of basis unless I knew a lot more about him and his prospects..

If you don't know him enough to ask him outright - and make him prove it - then you would be better on your own. Do you have CCTV?

AKA .......a grifter.
OP will have to learn the hard way.

This type make claims on houses of doormat women that they suck in.
Some women just won't be warned...🤷🏻‍♀️

The manipulation from an expert like this is incredibly damaging. Especially if the victim has a childhood history of not being taken seriously, not being allowed to assert boundaries, not really having rights over their possessions, body, time, or whatever- these patterns are deeply ingrained and the manipulator just clicks right into exploiting them.

In my own experience, I struggled to understand how I’d been put into the position of being in the wrong- I have thought of writing about my experiences but I can’t even remember or create the dialogue for one of those conversations, they’ve left my head completely. But that dissonance is so powerful and causes huge damage; I have struggled all my life with ‘who to be’ and then after my ex it took me years to recover (I still have effects from the manipulation that I posted about earlier). And years of therapy to see the patterns ingrained in me in childhood. Still doing the work!

Anyway, @OldLobster i imagine you’re still in this position, and I just wish peace and freedom for you. It’s not your fault. Took me three years to leave (the whole relationship was only four years long). Grey rock is the way to go, arguing never works with these people.

Hi again 👋
I hope your weekend is going well 💐 I have followed all the posts and hope you are doing okay 🫂

I used to be a doormat, many moons ago, I got wise to it, but it took me a long time, but I enjoyed reading Natalie's blog on baggage reclaim which helped me to create boundaries, such as this:
https://baggagereclaim.co.uk/trying-to-make-someone-change-wont-fix-the-problem-of-poor-boundaries/

https://baggagereclaim.co.uk/if-youre-being-what-you-think-is-a-good-girlfriendboyfriend-are-you-actually-being-your/

Maybe have a read and see what you think?

Just my two cents but, if it was me and it wasn't working for me, and he seemed to think i was financing his easy life. Then I would finally end it by opening Pandoras box 😱 🎁 💪 and tell my mates /family what's been happening. 😇

Trust me, the embarrassment and shame would soon pass, and then hopefully supportive reinforcements would rally around and help you reclaim your house.
🏠
I personally would tell me nearest and dearest and get rid. As they wouldn't want me to be taken advantage of either.
😠 😡 😤

It sounds harsh, but if you don't want to tell them, because you are afraid that it will finally end things, as it exposes him for who he is, then doesn't that tell you something is very wrong with all this? 🤔

My post has been hidden, not sure why? 🤔

I think sometimes AI scans for keywords that can trigger an alarm.

My mind is boggling! 🤣