To be alarmed that he wants to move in.

[OldLobster]

Maybe I'm being too territorial / selfish but I'd like some second opinions...I'd like to add from the start that no children are involved in this muddle!

Met DP about 2 years ago. He had been separated for several years at that point but he and ex-wife put off selling the house while their daughter took A levels and then went to uni locally...during this time he slept in a little annex they had in the garden...no room for doubt there as I have met and spoken to ex-wife who seems nice (but very different personality to DP) she was aware of me from the start and I have observed said annex. Their daughter has now finished her course and started a job away from home and they have just put their house on the market.

From the start DP Used to come round to see me unannounced...staying over gradually became 3 then 4 then 5 nights a week although he would go home to shower, wash clothes etc. At one point he asked if we could spend more time together and I said I'd prefer to keep it at 3 or 4 nights a week...which he ignored. Yes, at this point I should have stood my ground but pathetically, I did not. My house is tiny and I work from home. We split cooking and food costs but I found it quite tiring because possibly due to upbringing and poor boundary management I always felt in hostess mode and behaved in the way I would if a friend or relative came to stay....I love my family but I'd be exhausted if they stayed for months...and miss my own space. I've tried to explain this to him...that this setup is very different from the dynamic or sharing a home together (as I've done with previous partners).

Predictably, and here we enter territory where cocklodger comments are likely and justified, the bills went up, heating, oven on all the time etc. I'd be a little more prudent when living alone. He didn't offer any help or any little token as I would when staying with a friend. Slightly tricky as he is seldom here during the day except at weekends. I've not given him a key. He doesn't live here but spends most of his free time here amd every night.

I felt embarrassed mentioning that the bills had gone up which i did after 3 months, he did actually push back a little when I did so but then started giving me the amount by which they had increased. I felt shoddy even asking.

I'd like a break from this arrangement ...so have suggested that before we look at him moving in properly or of getting somewhere together, we perhaps spend 3 months sharing an off season rental (there are lots of holiday cottages where we live and during the winter these are no more expensive than my mortage). Our incomes are similar but I have a fairly large mortgage that takes up half of mine and DP will, in addition, be getting bank interest on his house sale money. This little break would give me a chance to see what its like to live together rather than in my home where most of the costs and upkeep naturally fall to me. As mentioned, my house is tiny...there's barely room for my belongings
Dps bank interest alone would cover most of the rental and it would only be for a few months.

He likes the idea however has stated that he doesn't want to pay for it all and will only entertain it if i pay half..instead he'd like to stay at mine, paying 400 per month (my mortgage is 3 x this).

I'm not usually tight-fisted but in this case am I, for feeling that he should really be offering to take on this responsibility, just fora few months, as I have done so for 18 months?

Pack his stuff while he's out and leave it at the front door with a note.
You need to get out while you can otherwise you will be stuck with him, if this is his good behaviour I dread to think what his normal behaviour is like.

I suppose he has a key if he's there so much, are you getting new locks?

So his wife believed he was low class and that she had married down?
He admits he financially took advantage of her?

Honestly OP, can you really not see what an utter horror you have landed yourself with.

It would be more in your line to text him it over, don't contact me again or I will involve the police and block him on everything.

I think he is potentially abusive and is lining you up as ' nurse with a purse'.

Your lack of self preservation is astonishing.
Start spending money on therapy not him, asap.

I know its annoying when posters failing to see obvious red flags simply won't accept wise advise....so I will say that helped by this thread, there is no way that I am going to let him live in my space for £400 or any amount that hints its for his financial gain.

Whether I end the relationship though, I can't yet say ..I know that's not the best plan..but I am simply being honest.

Honesty is… after your last update, what has he over you? GET HIM OUT!

But you are letting him live there for free! And treat you like garbage.

Noone here can help you if you won't help yourself.

but this isn’t really about money. It’s about the nastiness behind it. Please re-read what you have written: he financially abused his ex - egg do you want to be with someone capable of doing this?
Now he’s treating you like an unpaid slave- once again, why do you want to be with someone who is this unpleasant?

Take time to process it.
But you know what we think 😁

It's easy for strangers on the Internet to say. It took me a few months to leave ex, although we'd been together for over a decade and shared a house and pets together.

I've been there OldLobster.

I posted a few times here in frustration because I see where you are. I had people screaming at me as well. I got out but only just. He nearly took down my entire life. It was a long time ago but some of the damage was irreparable.

If only I could have jumped ship sooner. I kept holding on. Fixing one problem after another. Excusing one abuse after another. He wouldn't give me breathing space. He was in my face constantly. These men tie you in knots until you don't even know which way is up. Then you get bundled into the next thing you didn't really want.
And it never stops.
They're never happy.
It's never enough
❤

I'm hoping i will come back stronger when I've had some time away....he won't be staying in my home while I'm away either.

Where will he be when you go away, in your house racking up extra bills?

Whether I end the relationship though, I can't yet say ..I know that's not the best plan..but I am simply being honest.

You desperately need therapy. The degree of shit you are accepting from this cocklodger is not normal. You seem intelligent, so hopefully you can still turn this ship around.

But you have to stop being so passive and actually take steps to get to a point where you can start protecting yourself and act in your best interest.

Better do this before his house sells though - otherwise you’ll never get rid of him. And the PP who brought up the Nurse with a Purse issue made a very valid point… 😱

I think op has come a long way since starting this thread. Hopefully she'll get there in time.

I think this is one of those soul-sucking threads where the OP just keeps telling everyone that they’re absolutely right and she’s being exploited by this useless negging cocklodger who doesn’t care about her, but there’s literally nothing she can do, because she is passive and spineless by nature / loves him regardless / is a people pleaser / can’t handle conflict / refuses to give up on her dream of making it work / whatever.

But rather than just leaving the thread she strings people along, getting them to tell her more and more stridently what a lovely generous person she is, and how he doesn’t deserve her.

And underneath it all there’s some grandiose martyrish / masochistic ego gratification going on.

Well that's a good plan to take a few days away and think about things clearly.

You are making a start with it all and I wish you luck.

That's good to hear. And when you come back, if you still want a relationship with him, set some firm boundaries in place so that you're not going back to square one. Don't let him back in (if that's what you decide you want) until he's agreed - and don't give him more than one chance (which is more than he deserves anyway).

I actually agree with this. I'm leaving the thread because I don't think it's worth posters input.
We're not here to expect a op to agree with everything we say but when there is abuse albeit financial at this stage I don't get how we go around in the same circles. Good luck.

Dear, Kind, @OldLobster

I think your plan to go away for a few days is an excellent one. Don't discuss. Inform. You could even helpfully pack up some of the stuff he uses most as he won't be able to access it whilst your away ( although I bet you £10 he's had keys cut for emergencies ) In true MN tradition, Ring doorbell.

You've said that you never get a chance to think because he's always there. What chance do you get to see your other friends and family?
He is not only benefitting from all the perks of staying with you full time but it means he is always being on hand ... he is making himself the focal point.. so that his needs, his wants, his problems are paramount and yours to solve

"brought up treading on eggshells"
and that is probably why his behaviour doesn't seem as outrageous to you. Every time you question something he shuts it down with gaslighting insults. Putting you in your place. Shutting you up. Seems like you've identified a connection there?

" I don't know whether I was right to be offended or hurt or worried by his £400 proposal....is it really that low?"
I don't know the full sums, but it certainly sounds like it. I haven't seen anyone saying its too much. Sharing means 50/50 - not 80/20. That is heavily subsidizing and WHY is that down to you?
Yet you still seem wracked with guilt about this (which he is fuelling) enough to say
"I don't want to go from one extreme to the other and started being too guarded with other people in the future..or tight."
Good. You've recognised that you are extremely generous. Why are you so worried that you will be too tight? What does "too tight" even mean.. Too tight with the coffee pods, the Amazon Prime, the logs you carefully stored up for the winter?
I think you are confusing "too tight" with financial prudence, living within your means, and being economical to save for the future. None of those things are greedy, selfish, lacking in generosity, they are being sensible with your own hard earned money. What would prove that you are not tight? Voluntarily subsidising someone else who is perfectly financially capable to prove you love them? To the extent that you imperil your own financial needs and security and have to make cut backs?
Be MORE TIGHT not less!!! You have worked hard for everything you've got and he is imperilling that. If this is what he is like now... what will he be like when he gets his divorce settlement and lives very very very cheaply with you.. He will make huge savings and spend them on himself. Every pound you lavish on him is a pound that could go into YOUR savings, that could go towards you doing something you really want to do, but he will have absorbed it! He a masterclass in CFery. Convincing an already kind and generous person that they are being tight and should be even more generous.. All the while being the tightest of tight bastards themselves.

I don't want to go from one extreme to the other and start being too guarded with other people, or tight.

From your posts I'd say that's very unlikely.. and anyway.. just cross that bridge when you come to it. Why would standing up to this Grifter make you more tight or guarded... that is straight out of his speech book. It might make you more readily realise when relationships/friendships are not reciprocal, that is the key word, it might make you notice more easily when you are subsidising others who can and should pay their own way. Would that really be so bad. It's not like saying no to him will make you morph into an unpleasant personality. Not at all.
Its so clear how stressed you are by this.

I hope you get your free time away.. maybe write a bucket list of all YOUR wants and dreams.. and how you can achieve them, what you'd have to safe to do that, because it sounds like you've been bombarded with all his concerns... and maybe find someone in RL to help you explore all that earlier eggshell treading in the past. People often recommend some good books to read about things like this on MN.. be worth having a browse.

Not really. Yes I'm spineless but certainly not enjoying the situation...I posted here because time was running out with his house Sale and so the situation became more pressing. I can't talk to anyone in real life because I'm embarrassed to tell friends and or, in some cases don't want to worry those closer to me. I am not looking for any type of gratification, in fact posting here and not being instantly able.to act on all the advise (just some of it) makes me feel pretty stupid and to some extent, ungrateful.
Some women will know why it's near impossible to speak up and immediately act when the way forward seems obvious. We are not all made the same.
If I was a martyr I might have given him the key to my home..I haven't and won't.

Go away for a few days & re read this thread. I think the space away from him will give you clarity. It’s better to be single than with someone who sucks your energy & resources.

WTF... Youre about the same age but He's unhealthy, unfit and people mistake him for your Dad? Yet you are in thrall to him?

This makes less and less sense

The trouble is OP that being "spineless" as you call it makes us feel deep shame, and guess what happens when you stay with someone who tramples all over you like this? You just feel weaker and weaker and weaker...

I think another aspect of it from childhood is thinking it's our job to support someone, at whatever cost to ourselves, so we just can't see unreasonable demands and feel terribly guilty for "abandoning" someone who pushes their own selfish needs onto us.

Again, this just gets worse with time in a relationship like that.

Choosing him over being single or a future relationship with someone else, in terms of your mental and emotional health, is like choosing to carry on smoking rather than take up running.

Op it may really help you to talk about this with friends, once you start talking the embarrassment will go. Talk to people who care about you, listen to opinions from another perspective. Honestly it really would help.

If you end things with him next month and your friends ask why you'll have to tell them how dominant and financially abusive he is and they'll wonder why you didn't tell them before. If you tell them now they can help you, they might be able to plan something such as one of them staying for a few weeks meaning that he can't stay. That'd give you some breathing space away from the relationship to process everything that's happened and work out the best plan of action.

I have to say i really don't think this man cares about you, from the beginning he's trampled all over your boundaries, decent people don't do that.

You're not spineless, no need to put yourself down. You're taking your time to be sure you're making the right decisions with the best timing. Nothing wrong with spending time thinking about your plans and feeling confident that you've asked, listened and drawn your best conclusions.

And yes, a dog might be a better companion...

Nobody’s expecting you to instantly act on their advice.

But there is something that feels disingenuous in the way you drip more and more detail about how awful this man is, while insisting you still want to see if the relationship can work, against all odds.

There is something you are doing here in the way you relate to us - the people you are seeking advice from - that starts to feel manipulative. You ramp up our indignation on your behalf, telling us about all the awful things he does, while calmly reiterating that you believe this relationship might still turn out how you want it to, despite how it clearly is.

Which makes people ramp up the intensity with which they urge you to know your worth, love yourself, recognise how generous you have been, etc.

Which feels great! And is certainly not the sort of care and validation you’re getting from your boyfriend.

But your getting all this cheerleading is contingent on your continuing to need it.

So you need to keep reminding us how you’re not ready yet to make any decisions, you still want to give the relationship a go, you can’t be confident you’re not being a greedy unreasonable person, yes it’s ridiculous that you still love this man but what can you do?

I don’t think you’re stupid. But I think you are trying to get your relational needs met by strangers on the internet to make up for what’s not forthcoming in your real life relationship(s).

(I mean, we all are to some extent!! That’s why we’re all on here feeling overinvested!!)

But I’m going to take my own advice and go invest my emotional energy IRL.

i wish you the best of luck.