To be alarmed that he wants to move in.

[OldLobster]

Maybe I'm being too territorial / selfish but I'd like some second opinions...I'd like to add from the start that no children are involved in this muddle!

Met DP about 2 years ago. He had been separated for several years at that point but he and ex-wife put off selling the house while their daughter took A levels and then went to uni locally...during this time he slept in a little annex they had in the garden...no room for doubt there as I have met and spoken to ex-wife who seems nice (but very different personality to DP) she was aware of me from the start and I have observed said annex. Their daughter has now finished her course and started a job away from home and they have just put their house on the market.

From the start DP Used to come round to see me unannounced...staying over gradually became 3 then 4 then 5 nights a week although he would go home to shower, wash clothes etc. At one point he asked if we could spend more time together and I said I'd prefer to keep it at 3 or 4 nights a week...which he ignored. Yes, at this point I should have stood my ground but pathetically, I did not. My house is tiny and I work from home. We split cooking and food costs but I found it quite tiring because possibly due to upbringing and poor boundary management I always felt in hostess mode and behaved in the way I would if a friend or relative came to stay....I love my family but I'd be exhausted if they stayed for months...and miss my own space. I've tried to explain this to him...that this setup is very different from the dynamic or sharing a home together (as I've done with previous partners).

Predictably, and here we enter territory where cocklodger comments are likely and justified, the bills went up, heating, oven on all the time etc. I'd be a little more prudent when living alone. He didn't offer any help or any little token as I would when staying with a friend. Slightly tricky as he is seldom here during the day except at weekends. I've not given him a key. He doesn't live here but spends most of his free time here amd every night.

I felt embarrassed mentioning that the bills had gone up which i did after 3 months, he did actually push back a little when I did so but then started giving me the amount by which they had increased. I felt shoddy even asking.

I'd like a break from this arrangement ...so have suggested that before we look at him moving in properly or of getting somewhere together, we perhaps spend 3 months sharing an off season rental (there are lots of holiday cottages where we live and during the winter these are no more expensive than my mortage). Our incomes are similar but I have a fairly large mortgage that takes up half of mine and DP will, in addition, be getting bank interest on his house sale money. This little break would give me a chance to see what its like to live together rather than in my home where most of the costs and upkeep naturally fall to me. As mentioned, my house is tiny...there's barely room for my belongings
Dps bank interest alone would cover most of the rental and it would only be for a few months.

He likes the idea however has stated that he doesn't want to pay for it all and will only entertain it if i pay half..instead he'd like to stay at mine, paying 400 per month (my mortgage is 3 x this).

I'm not usually tight-fisted but in this case am I, for feeling that he should really be offering to take on this responsibility, just fora few months, as I have done so for 18 months?

@OldLobster Fucksake!!! This is NOT 'penny pinching'!! It's a lot of extra expense on your tab that should not be there. You're not unreasonable to think that it's a bluddy cheek and he should be paying his way.

Yes, I'll change the locks. I doubt he's copied my key but the price to change the locks is small for peace of mind

Hang on, he’s been staying at yours 7 nights a week for the last 18 months?! He moved in a long time ago, he just didn’t tell you. And this is after you’d said a few nights a week was the limit. Is this what you want?

I think you’re making this very complicated. It sounds like you don’t want him there full time and you’re kicking back the can. I think you need to end the relationship.

Op why did you keep letting him in when he turned up unannounced?

Shit! Hes staying in a free hotel! The coffee pod costs alone would make me boot him out if he didnt offer to buy more.
Im so sorry @OldLobster he is a scavvy chancer.

I agree and still ...Half of the "bills" isnt half of the living expenses... Food, coffee pods, amazon prime expenses, special "treat" food and drink, logs for the fire, .... These are extras on top of the bills.

OP has subsidised him to the tune of thousands over the past two years.
God love her.
He knows she is a soft touch so he has used her relentlessly.

Utterly shameless grifter.
His type are the first out the door to pastures new if ANYTHING is required of them.

If OP was ever to be unwell, he would be gone so fast.
Grifter.
God help her if she can't or won't see it.

Am I correct in thinking, that you maybe hesitant to end this arrangement, and stick to your guns with boundaries, as it may cause the relationship to end entirely? 🤔

No relationship is worth this hassle IMO. Especially when you have no ties (like marriage/children etc) to this wanker. 🙅‍♀️

I personally would rather be alone, and single with a rainy day fund, than skint and exploited with a man for company. 🙌

Get a Yorkshire terrier, they are loyal, protective, they cost a lot cheaper and take up less room on the other side of the bed 😉

Sorry fella it’s not working for me having someone live in my space. You need to find your own place and move your things out by the end of the week.
i know it’s hard for you OP but if you don’t act now he’ll be there forever and you’ll be miserable. Yes he’ll be hurt but you’re already hurting because you need your boundaries kept. I understand your feelings on this.
Definitely change your locks.
If you want to continue the relationship you can say you’ll see how it goes once you’re both settled back into living separately. Best of luck 🌺

I don’t think he’s really what I would call. “Partner” though, he’s just a guy you’re sleeping with (and is taking advantage of you). Maybe that’s why you feel different with him?

It's worth thinking about this, OP (to yourself if not to us).

This was the first red flag - the second was that you said you'd rather he came over just a few nights a week and he ignored that.

He's been ignoring every boundary you tried to set from the very start. Good people don't do that.

You are not a spring chicken, OP but an old lobster (though not a wise one) He looks old enough to be your father. He doesn’t look after himself. He is not only not contributing, he’s leeching off you. In a few years he’s going to be an old man with multiple health issues in need of a carer. Guess who that will be?
His ex-DW has the measure of him and is no doubt extremely grateful you have taken him off her hands. His DD does not respect him because who could?
He’s on to a great thing with you. Gets to keep his money, has a lovely pad to stay in. No cleaning. Sets you up as his helpmate. Respects you so little that when you raise the issue of financial contributions, he doesn’t blush, stammer and apologise like a normally thoughtless person would, he has the cheek to push back and try to negotiate. He’s calculated you don’t have the gumption to stand your ground. He thinks you are a pushover and you don’t really respect yourself or your boundaries. Sad thing is, it sounds as if you think he may be right. I hope he doesn’t wreck your retirement and old age.

When I read your OP, the first thing that came to mind was that he was using you whenever he wanted sex.

I hope I am not right, but that is what I thought, and I am not disabused of that thought yet.

Even if you think he was using you, but is not now, it would be a gigantic leap of faith to just let him in for good.

You must give it a lot of thought. There is a saying, 'if in doubt, don't' and it was coined by someone for a very good reason: that it works most of the time.

OP - are you nervous of being alone? This isn’t an issue where there are only two options you can choose a middle path where you can keep him in your life but still get to have your house for yourself and where you aren’t subsidizing him.

You need to be honest with yourself about what you want. You have chosen to allow his behaviour so I assume you were getting something out of this relationship. Are you worried that unless you keep subsidizing him and putting up with his bad behaviour he won’t want to be with you?

OP - are you nervous of being alone? This isn’t an issue where there are only two options you can choose a middle path where you can keep him in your life but still get to have your house for yourself and where you aren’t subsidizing him.

You need to be honest with yourself about what you want. You have chosen to allow his behaviour so I assume you were getting something out of this relationship. Are you worried that unless you keep subsidizing him and putting up with his bad behaviour he won’t want to be with you?

OP - are you nervous of being alone? This isn’t an issue where there are only two options you can choose a middle path where you can keep him in your life but still get to have your house for yourself and where you aren’t subsidizing him.

You need to be honest with yourself about what you want. You have chosen to allow his behaviour so I assume you were getting something out of this relationship. Are you worried that unless you keep subsidizing him and putting up with his bad behaviour he won’t want to be with you?

OP - are you nervous of being alone? This isn’t an issue where there are only two options you can choose a middle path where you can keep him in your life but still get to have your house for yourself and where you aren’t subsidizing him.

You need to be honest with yourself about what you want. You have chosen to allow his behaviour so I assume you were getting something out of this relationship. Are you worried that unless you keep subsidizing him and putting up with his bad behaviour he won’t want to be with you?

For peace of mind?

But you are just letting him have free rein anyway. What difference does it make at the moment if you are not there?

Changing the locks is not enough OP.

From your posts, I think we are in a similar age group. And now this is our time. We are done raising children and putting everyone else first all the time, and ourselves to the back of the queue. You are still at the back of the queue now with him being put first.

You might think the comments have been a bit harsh. But your situation is just so clear cut from the outside, that it is just frustrating for us to see a fellow woman being taking advantage of so badly.

Btw I am single now after being in a long marriage and then a 2 year relationship. I really do recommend it. I have never lived as peacefully and in a calm way as I do now. There is just NO WAY I would invite unnecessary drama into my life now.

Maybe you should try it.

Glad you're changing the locks. He sounds like the kind of person that thinks they have a right to your keys.

The fact you're too embarrassed to tell anyone in real life is worrying. When I read this I was about to ask what advice you would give to a close friend or sister in your situation. I think the fact you're keeping this quiet means you know just how furious they would be with him.

I’ve not read the updates. I’ve just read that you’ve changed the locks which is good. If you have worries about safety do have a chat with your local police. Let them know what’s going on and they will be helpful.

So you’ll pay out to change your locks rather than tell him not to use your home while you’re away and trust that he’ll respect your wishes?
And yet you still want to continue to be in a relationship with this person?

Honestly OP every single PP on this thread can see the huge glowing red flags. I think you can actually see he’s a wrongun but seem scared to end things with him. Why?

This is not a good kind decent caring respectful man - are you scared of being alone as I can’t see a single reason for having this user in your life.

This is part of the problem. There is one solution for all of this, but OP won't do it. She's going to try to stay one step ahead and keep outwitting this piece of shit rather than get rid of him. She's lost so much ground already. It's scary that she thinks she can assert herself in any way against this man. It really shouldn't be like this.

*She agonises about a fair split of finances that he won't balk at instead of telling him to fuck off out of her house. He's already moved in more or less for free anyway.

*She plans to go away for a few days to be alone instead of telling him to stay away. She can't even be alone in her own home without him pushing his way in.

Considers changing the locks because she doesn't trust him while she's away. WTAF? This should never* be necessary in a relationship.

None of this is normal. None of it.

Endless solutions to try to protect herself within the clutches of this predator rather than do the one thing that solves it all and get rid of him.

Not sure how I put some of that randomly in bold. It wasn't meant to be, just ignore 😀

That's clearly the OP's desperation for a relationship.
These type of grifters can smell women's desperation, and that is when they become a mark for this type of mean user loser.

Sadly women like the OP won't be told.