To be alarmed that he wants to move in.

[OldLobster]

Maybe I'm being too territorial / selfish but I'd like some second opinions...I'd like to add from the start that no children are involved in this muddle!

Met DP about 2 years ago. He had been separated for several years at that point but he and ex-wife put off selling the house while their daughter took A levels and then went to uni locally...during this time he slept in a little annex they had in the garden...no room for doubt there as I have met and spoken to ex-wife who seems nice (but very different personality to DP) she was aware of me from the start and I have observed said annex. Their daughter has now finished her course and started a job away from home and they have just put their house on the market.

From the start DP Used to come round to see me unannounced...staying over gradually became 3 then 4 then 5 nights a week although he would go home to shower, wash clothes etc. At one point he asked if we could spend more time together and I said I'd prefer to keep it at 3 or 4 nights a week...which he ignored. Yes, at this point I should have stood my ground but pathetically, I did not. My house is tiny and I work from home. We split cooking and food costs but I found it quite tiring because possibly due to upbringing and poor boundary management I always felt in hostess mode and behaved in the way I would if a friend or relative came to stay....I love my family but I'd be exhausted if they stayed for months...and miss my own space. I've tried to explain this to him...that this setup is very different from the dynamic or sharing a home together (as I've done with previous partners).

Predictably, and here we enter territory where cocklodger comments are likely and justified, the bills went up, heating, oven on all the time etc. I'd be a little more prudent when living alone. He didn't offer any help or any little token as I would when staying with a friend. Slightly tricky as he is seldom here during the day except at weekends. I've not given him a key. He doesn't live here but spends most of his free time here amd every night.

I felt embarrassed mentioning that the bills had gone up which i did after 3 months, he did actually push back a little when I did so but then started giving me the amount by which they had increased. I felt shoddy even asking.

I'd like a break from this arrangement ...so have suggested that before we look at him moving in properly or of getting somewhere together, we perhaps spend 3 months sharing an off season rental (there are lots of holiday cottages where we live and during the winter these are no more expensive than my mortage). Our incomes are similar but I have a fairly large mortgage that takes up half of mine and DP will, in addition, be getting bank interest on his house sale money. This little break would give me a chance to see what its like to live together rather than in my home where most of the costs and upkeep naturally fall to me. As mentioned, my house is tiny...there's barely room for my belongings
Dps bank interest alone would cover most of the rental and it would only be for a few months.

He likes the idea however has stated that he doesn't want to pay for it all and will only entertain it if i pay half..instead he'd like to stay at mine, paying 400 per month (my mortgage is 3 x this).

I'm not usually tight-fisted but in this case am I, for feeling that he should really be offering to take on this responsibility, just fora few months, as I have done so for 18 months?

I think his unwillingness to contribute would be a total deal breaker. Even if he started paying an economical amount the fact that he has to be forced into doing it doesn't bode well and I would foresee all sorts of financial problems in the future. Put it back on a dating basis, you go out sometimes, he comes to yours sometimes, you go to his sometimes. If he won't do that I think you have to decide you are not financially compatible and move on. If he's like this now, in the honeymoon period, what will he be like fully moved in feet under the table and happy with you paying the lions share.

I think as you have been unable to assert any boundaries with him staying over up to now, you would be foolish to continue down this path. Start by asserting what you want from him regarding staying over, and when and only when you are able to not let him railroad you, then go back to ideas of living together. As it is, you will end up living in a way you don’t want to and paying all the costs of it.

I think you need to see how he gets on living alone, you do not need to let him move in. Put your foot down now. Tell him he needs to rent for 6 months and you can split your time between the 2 houses, you'll soon see if he is willing to be responsible for himself. When you go to his house you will see if he's hoovered, washed the dishes etc. he will then understand the cost of funding a house on one income.
At the moment he's living at your house most of the week and you are treating him as a guest with no responsibility and if you let him move in, the will be expecting that to continue and he will be paying a tiny amount towards his living costs.
After the 6 months of him having his own house to deal with you can decide if he is responsible enough to have him live with you and you can negotiate a fair deal for him paying to live with you. At least half the bills should be covered by him, not just the extra £30 in gas/electric etc

“I never had this stupid hostess disorder when living with previous partners!”

Perhaps you should think about this point some more.

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

He needs to pay half of everything

For goodness sake - he is taking you for a mug, wise up and just end it, you don’t need this man-child user POS in your life 🚩🏃‍♀️

He has moved in already..
Is the set up with the family house and the shed still in place?
You haven't really mentioned what the relationship is like aside from this.
Even if it is otherwise good I think you essentially don't like or want to live with him and that's perfectly reasonable.
I agree with PP that you don't need to try the summer rental, you already know what it's like living with him. It wouldn't be radically different even with a bit more space. He probably would always expect you to "host" him now, as the precedent has been set and he may just be he type of CF to always expect that.

For £400 a month he gets a place to live, all bills included, and food? and get looked after like a guest and also sex included?

no wonder he wants this to continue!

DO NOT let him move in!!

@OldLobster for the love of god. Dix the the looser /user.
Id guess once the feet are properly under a joint table your life will be hell.
He is a wrong one op

Dont let him move in. He's already showing you what he's like.

Do you feel like you miss him sometimes or is it mostly 100% you dreading him coming around/not having your house as you want it? I would hate the liberties he's taking by showing up when he feels like it and almost dictating how much time he's going to spend at yours. I couldn't carry on with a relationship like that, I would just resent him until all feelings died.

I forgot to add, get a cohabitation agreement in place if he does eventually move in. Write in the agreement that the bills excluding mortgage are to be split 50/50 or by income percentage and that he is not entitled to any equity.
Telling him to find a rental and you'll spend 4 nights a week at his will not be his favoured option because it's expensive, but you shouldn't need to subsidise his living costs and it should be mutually beneficial if he dies move in to your house
As others have said, even a room in a house would cost him more than £400 a month

First and second poster have it nailed,

“he’s a CF ready to take advantage”

“he’s not listening to you”

Do not entertain this cock
lodger any longer. If he can’t even do you the grace of at least paying the larger share of a rental for 3 months, you have no chance of this working out fairly in future

Doesn’t respect boundaries . Gives op no say in her own life .
wants to live for Pennies

Oh lordy please don't let him move in, and sack off the rental idea. It doesn't add anything.

If you really aren't ready to break up with him, he needs to be taking the rental for himself. And you must be clear on that, because it seems you are finding it hard to maintain boundaries with him the cheeky fucker.

Text message

Hi Roger
things for me are not working in this relationship and I am calling time on our relationship. I wish you all the best. Sheila

thats it !

he doesn’t have a key

Bin him off

Wouldn’t it be nicer if he had his own place and you met up for weekends sometimes at yours and sometimes at his. You’ve said your house is small, why would you want him there all the time even if he wasn’t a tight arse. You have said you like your own space so why are you giving that up. You can have a great supportive and fun relationship without living together.

You really need to think about what you actually want from this and you really, really need to stop being so wet ( sorry but I can’t think of the polite term, but hope you know what I mean).

Christ, please stop doubting yourself and second guessing. He's a taker and he's repeatedly ignored your wishes and pushed back on very reasonable asks and will get worse not better when you're under the same roof. It's only been two years and he's already red flag-tastic. Stand your ground now and keep him out. Tbh getting a guy so soon from his marriage break-up was never likely to result in a great long-term option. There's that saying on here I can't fully recall - someone will cite it - about men falling in love fast when they need a home. You need to stop defaulting to generous mode with men who take advantage and aren't generous in return.

So he wants to pay 100 a week less if it’s 5 week month
that works out at 13.18 a day 😂
what a lucky chap he is to be able to get a roof over his head and all bills inc for that price

he’s a cock lodger and you know it

If you don’t end it now
you will back on here in a few times saying you got married and now your getting divorced and he’s gonna take half of your house

or he is sulking cos you won’t put him on the deeds

The reason you have "hostess disorder" is because you're subconsciously expecting him to step in and offer more to you - emotionally, financially- you are waiting for him to show he understands what you're doing for him, and take on his share.

The signals you're sending, with a normal person, would elicit different behaviour. You're getting nothing back, so you are subconsciously "turning up the volume" on your hostessy signals.

Trouble is he won't respond OP. He doesn't want to do his share.

The reason you feel a little uncomfortable with him in your home is your body talking to you. Please please listen.

Come up with a few one liners that you can repeat if he puts you on the spot;

I am happy the way things are
I prefer my own space 4 nights a week
I don’t want to live with anyone, I’m happier on my own
I don’t want to share my home but am happy to visit yours

Be ready and be strong 💪

We get on very well 90 percent of the time but I'm wondering how much of that is because I haven't objected to things...thats why i wanted to try an off season rental for just a few months...it would benefit both of us.

Perhaps I should suggest he rent somewhere ,and I rent my house out (which would just about cover my mortage) and live with him and pay him 400 a month. Not to prove a point but genuinely because we get on well most of the time and perhaps he just doesn't know how to behave in certain situations.

I wonder what type of response the above suggestion will trigger, though :/

Oh no. Please don’t be me. I had everything as you describe in the early days. Including the extra expense.

I really like this. I think you are very astute.

And yes, a normal person would respond appropriately to being 'looked after' in someone's home and not feel the need to quibble about what it's costing 😟