To be alarmed that he wants to move in.

[OldLobster]

Maybe I'm being too territorial / selfish but I'd like some second opinions...I'd like to add from the start that no children are involved in this muddle!

Met DP about 2 years ago. He had been separated for several years at that point but he and ex-wife put off selling the house while their daughter took A levels and then went to uni locally...during this time he slept in a little annex they had in the garden...no room for doubt there as I have met and spoken to ex-wife who seems nice (but very different personality to DP) she was aware of me from the start and I have observed said annex. Their daughter has now finished her course and started a job away from home and they have just put their house on the market.

From the start DP Used to come round to see me unannounced...staying over gradually became 3 then 4 then 5 nights a week although he would go home to shower, wash clothes etc. At one point he asked if we could spend more time together and I said I'd prefer to keep it at 3 or 4 nights a week...which he ignored. Yes, at this point I should have stood my ground but pathetically, I did not. My house is tiny and I work from home. We split cooking and food costs but I found it quite tiring because possibly due to upbringing and poor boundary management I always felt in hostess mode and behaved in the way I would if a friend or relative came to stay....I love my family but I'd be exhausted if they stayed for months...and miss my own space. I've tried to explain this to him...that this setup is very different from the dynamic or sharing a home together (as I've done with previous partners).

Predictably, and here we enter territory where cocklodger comments are likely and justified, the bills went up, heating, oven on all the time etc. I'd be a little more prudent when living alone. He didn't offer any help or any little token as I would when staying with a friend. Slightly tricky as he is seldom here during the day except at weekends. I've not given him a key. He doesn't live here but spends most of his free time here amd every night.

I felt embarrassed mentioning that the bills had gone up which i did after 3 months, he did actually push back a little when I did so but then started giving me the amount by which they had increased. I felt shoddy even asking.

I'd like a break from this arrangement ...so have suggested that before we look at him moving in properly or of getting somewhere together, we perhaps spend 3 months sharing an off season rental (there are lots of holiday cottages where we live and during the winter these are no more expensive than my mortage). Our incomes are similar but I have a fairly large mortgage that takes up half of mine and DP will, in addition, be getting bank interest on his house sale money. This little break would give me a chance to see what its like to live together rather than in my home where most of the costs and upkeep naturally fall to me. As mentioned, my house is tiny...there's barely room for my belongings
Dps bank interest alone would cover most of the rental and it would only be for a few months.

He likes the idea however has stated that he doesn't want to pay for it all and will only entertain it if i pay half..instead he'd like to stay at mine, paying 400 per month (my mortgage is 3 x this).

I'm not usually tight-fisted but in this case am I, for feeling that he should really be offering to take on this responsibility, just fora few months, as I have done so for 18 months?

Like a lot of women, I was brought up tredding on eggshells and I think that is the issue.

It's like two parallel universes...I do need to see where I've gone wrong in standing up for myself but I don't know whether I was right to be offended or hurt or worried by his £400 proposal....is it really that low? I don't what to go from one extreme to the other and started being too guarded with other people in the future..or tight. My mortgage is around 1400 and the bills possibly 600 (with 2 people). If he rented even a basic flat here for himself it would cost 1200..and that's if he got extremely lucky ..then bills on top.

I will go away for a few days while I have the opportunity...I can take my laptop and work.

I'm another who simply doesn't understand why you are still with him, let alone entertaining this ridiculous nonsense of trialling a 3 month rental.

The more you post, the more ridiculous everything is. He is tight and this was evident from your first post but subsequently literally everything you have revealed thereafter just compounds his tightness.

He's not even paying you £400 each month now even though he has been staying there 7 nights a week. Paying half for meals out etc is just an absolute basic of what is acceptable but surely you can see that given the current freeloading from his side he should actually be picking up the total bills when you are out. You also notice how he keeps score of the financial balance when in the company of others.

Literally what more do you want to see that will put you off this tight fisted and unpleasant man who guilt trips you when you dare to highlight the obvious need for him to contribute on a fair basis? He just pushes back and in doing so pushes you back. What is there left to see here?

The worry is that he will move in formally and then you will struggle to shift him once your resentment is so bad that you can't stand the sight of him.

Tiredjusttired · Today 14:52

Blimey, I hadn't even thought of that. Yes, he might give up work, kick back and spend his divorce fund while OP runs round doing everything else. Divorce money could stretch a long way if you only spend £400 a month.

So he contributes 20% of your household expenses and still expects you to pay half of all holidays, nights out and drinks?

And he’s got you wondering if it’s you that’s tight?

He’s taking you for an absolute mug and guilt tripping you for wanting the bare minimum.

He’s an absolute cocklodging freeloader - please do not entertain selling your home for this user

Another thing I wanted to mention is that a lot of women, around the time of the menopause when the ‘caring’ hormones disappear, really wake up and take stock, realising the hassle of caring for a husband is more than what he gives back. Suddenly, the socks and pants lying on the floor are infuriating. His belching is no longer funny. They’ve been raising his children and ironing his shirts without so much as a thank you. Lunch with girlfriends bring so much joy. So they throw off the shackles and go it alone.

Have you considered that you might not need him? You have a career, your own home….do you want to spend the rest of your life making him dinner and boosting his ego? What about when he starts getting old?

He's getting worse with every update, run for the hills Lobster

So if a flat cost £1200 then half of that as hes living with you would be £600 rent and half of bills £300 so £900 total he pays you, you could even say that to him that thats what you want or he cant stay anymore at all full stop, we all know he wont pay it, if he gets angry which he will say he can rent his own place then...i would not have him in my home i would say he can take you out but your home is off limits as you are not a charity or his mother

From your latest update I can see how you are in a muddle and the financial framing of what is a suitable or not amount of money as a contribution is confusing you.

But actually it's all about his reaction to you when you highlight you need a contribution - not the actual amount of money whether it's the £400 for the future, the additional cost of the coffee pods, logs, heating etc etc.

At his time of life he should be able to see the following:...

1.) It's your property and he cannot dictate how many nights a week he stays this is up to you to agree with him, but he rode roughshod over this.

2.) Ignoring your wishes he stays 7 nights a week and made zero contribution apart from some food shopping. He should know that is so not acceptable.

3.) He should innately know that he needs to contribute towards the household and not just top you up by a bit of spare money.

4.) He should not be turning things back onto you and guilt tripping you when you bring up financial matters regarding the cost of running the household that he is a part of. He's already been a home owner so knows things cost money.

5.) He should be recognising the cushy deal he has and doing everything in his power to reward you in other ways - meals out, holidays etc.

6.) You asked for a trial airbnb prior to him officially moving in. He pushed back on all of this and should have been jumping at the chance, but instead didn't want to fund it, insisted you pay half, then just wants to pay you £400 to live at yours.

What you need to remember is that you hold the cards - NOT HIM.
He wants to move in with you.

He is tight fisted and this shows in all aspects, and he is not going to change.
But he also seriously does not know how to behave for a mature man.

Hi OP,
You already pay for a house and all the associated bills so why would you want to pay half of another one?

It sounds to me like you value living alone in your little house and that your partner has stolen your peace by imposing himself without bringing much to the table. He is trying to make you feel tight for not wanting to pay for 2 people while he is too tight to even pay for himself.

Let him get his own place and continue dating for a while (if you want to). Being too tight to pay for his own home is not a good reason to move your relationship to the next level. Yes, for fun you could offer to reciprocate the arrangement where he rents a home and pays all the bills and you pay £400 all in, but I don’t think he’ll snap your hand off somehow.

It would be interesting to see his level of commitment to the relationship when he has his own place and pays his own bills.

I wouldn’t try to rent your house out on such a short term basis - could be very stressful and expensive for little reward. Mortgage interest is not a fully deductible expense for a higher rate tax payer (or if the rent received makes you a higher rate tax payer) so you would easily end up with a hefty tax bill even if the rent received is short of your mortgage payments.

Ask yourself why he wants to move in with you.
A) because he adores you and even if he had his own lovely house he would beg you to move in.
B) because it is the cheapest thing to do and he is tight.

I'm the same as you OP, I have real problems with boundaries and sticking up for myself (even recognising when I should).

The trick is to find someone you don't need to be guarded with, someone who doesn't take the piss at every opportunity.

That's to say, NOT this obvious CF!

OP please forget about the Goldilocks £400 and whether it's enough, too much or just right. You really shouldn't be worrying about the amount to charge a man who won't be living with you. Or are you still considering this? Sadly, I think you are.......

*This man has moved into your home without your consent
*He is financially abusing you and intends to continue to do so
*He is a bully
*You've used the term 'walking on eggshells', a term often used in relation to abuse
*You said he also took financial advantage of his wife
*He over consumes your resources and costs you money
*You slept on the floor......

Forget the £400, forget the 3 month rental, forget this parasite.

20+ pages of people telling you the same thing. They can't all be wrong can they? You even used the term cocklodger yourself in your first post. You already knew the answer from the start.

If you manage to get away for a few days think about why you can't or won't end this ❤

I think this is the time when getting a dog seems even more appealing!
Yes, recently I've thought about old age and how things would be then ...that I might be, potentially, even less able to stand up for myself....and how he might be, we're a similar age yet two or three times people when weve been out and about together have mistaken him for my Dad as he hasn't embraced much of a healthy lifestyle.

With my ex, my dc father, I had legitimate concerns and I would plan in my head how to address them, screw up my courage and speak… and would inevitably end up apologising and feeling (in the moment) that I had been unreasonable. Later on I would see that he had never answered my concerns- he would turn them around and back onto me (DARVO) and I could never- still cannot- say what it was he said that was so effective. It was like being bowled over by someone oh-so-reasonable while I was the over-emotional harridan who made him feel bad when really he was just lovely. It messed me up big time and it took me a long time to recover. I’m 12 years out now but I still struggle to know what an appropriate reaction is- I am lucky to have a truly understanding and supportive partner who is willing to talk and to listen, because sometimes I overreact as I think a boundary has been breached, and sometimes I’m scared of bringing something up, but it all goes back to that ex (a parent laid the groundwork, mind, so I was easy to manipulate).

I found the Lundy Bancroft book Why Does He Do That to be extremely useful.

my cure was living alone on my own terms and learning how to grey-rock him, so that anger and emotional manipulation both washed over me- incredibly hard to do but possible.

good luck 🍀

You're not really selling him to us, OP 😂😂😂

I suspected this might be the case because of your description of your cute little house. I can imagine your happy life pottering about, with a small dog, things in their place, a fulfilling career, perhaps a man on the side but on your terms and only when it fits in around your active, highly social life.

So, if he’s unhealthy, then you know he’s going to get worse right? I really think, given his behaviour, that he’s planning on retiring on your dime.

Maybe just tell him you aren’t ready to commit. Other posters have flagged the er red flags to you. Hell, loads of men say they’re not ready, especially right before they get married, or when their partner is about to give birth.

You could say that he should rent for himself for a while, so you can have some space back.

Actually, just go ahead and buy a dog. Let it sleep on his side of the bed.

This 100% echoes my own experience, including the long time to recover and (thankfully) eventually landing on my feet with a truly kind and generous spirit. 💗

OP, it is probably quite hard for you to imagine that someone who actually loves you wants the best for you! Not just for themselves! You do not have to bend over backwards to accommodate their measly, greedy, selfish, ignorant demands of you.

Sounds great to get away by yourself for a few days, don't let him talk you out of it

You poor thing, I feel so claustrophobic reading this thread.
If you don't get a handle on this now, this man will take over your house and your life, once he gets both feet firmly under the table (one is already there) you will never get him out. Nevermind the £400 that's neither here nor there, you will become housekeeper for him and carry the financial burden of him forever more.
He does not care about your comfort only his. He thinks that you'll bend to his requests just as you have from a few months into the relationship.
Nows the time to talk to the people around about this situation and gather some real life support to help you put serious boundaries in place and maintain them. Ideally he'll be out of your life in the near future. Good luck.

I agree that the £400 isn’t really the issue. If this was suggested as an interim measure to getting a joint place by someone who took care of you, swept you off your feet, who you couldn’t wait to live with and you knew would pay their share of incidental costs and treat you well there wouldn’t be an issue.

The problem is that the £400 has been suggested by someone who you already feel is in your space more than you would like and penny pinches/ tries to make you feel tight when you ask him to pull his weight financially.

I'm even more flummoxed that he gets mistaken for your Dad sometimes when you are out.

I really am trying to see what you actually see in him as so far there is zero, nada, nothing, zilch that you have mentioned that is a positive for this guy.

What does he actually bring to your party and to your life?

So far we have a clear picture that he costs you money and that you resent his tightness and dislike him pushing back on you and not respecting your boundaries. All agreed.

Now you are even mentioning his unhealthy lifestyle and he looks old enough to be your Dad and people mistake him for your father.

Just what is it about this man that you actually like and makes you want to be with him? Could you articulate this?

How old is he OP? He does seem to be wanting a nurse with a purse to cook clean and wipe his arse - and pay him for the privilege

Leaving aside the financial issues...I get the sense OP...you don't want to live with him.
You bought your quirky little home for you...you described your bedroom as your haven...until you changed the bed for him.
I'd not discuss the money aspect with him...if sit him down and say you're not ready to even think about living together full-time and in fact you want to dial back the nights together.
You say he doesn't have a key and isn't there during the day...so when he arrives "home" from work and rings the bell... ignore, purposely be out or open door and say " sorry but I don't want company tonight. " And shit door firmly.
Explain you wish to return to the dating stage of your relationship...so you can arrange dates outside of both your homes/sheds...and if you choose to invite him back to your house that's your perogative but no more staying over full-time...as effectively that is living with you, which you don't want.

Leaving aside the financial issues...I get the sense OP...you don't want to live with him.
You bought your quirky little home for you...you described your bedroom as your haven...until you changed the bed for him.
I'd not discuss the money aspect with him...if sit him down and say you're not ready to even think about living together full-time and in fact you want to dial back the nights together.
You say he doesn't have a key and isn't there during the day...so when he arrives "home" from work and rings the bell... ignore, purposely be out or open door and say " sorry but I don't want company tonight. " And shit door firmly.
Explain you wish to return to the dating stage of your relationship...so you can arrange dates outside of both your homes/sheds...and if you choose to invite him back to your house that's your perogative but no more staying over full-time...as effectively that is living with you, which you don't want.

@Theredjellybean I'm guessing "And shit door firmly" is a typo, but if not, this is also an excellent approach to take! 😜

Unbelievably it's still getting worse.

What next....he's got two heads? I was hoping he was devastatingly attractive. It was all we had left to cling to for how OP ended up with such a cretin.