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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be alarmed that he wants to move in.

647 replies

OldLobster · 22/07/2025 12:58

Maybe I'm being too territorial / selfish but I'd like some second opinions...I'd like to add from the start that no children are involved in this muddle!

Met DP about 2 years ago. He had been separated for several years at that point but he and ex-wife put off selling the house while their daughter took A levels and then went to uni locally...during this time he slept in a little annex they had in the garden...no room for doubt there as I have met and spoken to ex-wife who seems nice (but very different personality to DP) she was aware of me from the start and I have observed said annex. Their daughter has now finished her course and started a job away from home and they have just put their house on the market.

From the start DP Used to come round to see me unannounced...staying over gradually became 3 then 4 then 5 nights a week although he would go home to shower, wash clothes etc. At one point he asked if we could spend more time together and I said I'd prefer to keep it at 3 or 4 nights a week...which he ignored. Yes, at this point I should have stood my ground but pathetically, I did not. My house is tiny and I work from home. We split cooking and food costs but I found it quite tiring because possibly due to upbringing and poor boundary management I always felt in hostess mode and behaved in the way I would if a friend or relative came to stay....I love my family but I'd be exhausted if they stayed for months...and miss my own space. I've tried to explain this to him...that this setup is very different from the dynamic or sharing a home together (as I've done with previous partners).

Predictably, and here we enter territory where cocklodger comments are likely and justified, the bills went up, heating, oven on all the time etc. I'd be a little more prudent when living alone. He didn't offer any help or any little token as I would when staying with a friend. Slightly tricky as he is seldom here during the day except at weekends. I've not given him a key. He doesn't live here but spends most of his free time here amd every night.

I felt embarrassed mentioning that the bills had gone up which i did after 3 months, he did actually push back a little when I did so but then started giving me the amount by which they had increased. I felt shoddy even asking.

I'd like a break from this arrangement ...so have suggested that before we look at him moving in properly or of getting somewhere together, we perhaps spend 3 months sharing an off season rental (there are lots of holiday cottages where we live and during the winter these are no more expensive than my mortage). Our incomes are similar but I have a fairly large mortgage that takes up half of mine and DP will, in addition, be getting bank interest on his house sale money. This little break would give me a chance to see what its like to live together rather than in my home where most of the costs and upkeep naturally fall to me. As mentioned, my house is tiny...there's barely room for my belongings
Dps bank interest alone would cover most of the rental and it would only be for a few months.

He likes the idea however has stated that he doesn't want to pay for it all and will only entertain it if i pay half..instead he'd like to stay at mine, paying 400 per month (my mortgage is 3 x this).

I'm not usually tight-fisted but in this case am I, for feeling that he should really be offering to take on this responsibility, just fora few months, as I have done so for 18 months?

OP posts:
inkognitha · 22/07/2025 13:04

Don’t even try the 3 months thing
He has already shown you who he is
He’s a CF ready to take advantage when you say nothing and who only contributes ad minima when you ask for fairness

coffeeagogo · 22/07/2025 13:06

Red flags all over the place. He isn’t listening to you and disregards your perfectly reasonable suggestion. Honestly, I’d run far and fast

iamnotalemon · 22/07/2025 13:08

inkognitha · 22/07/2025 13:04

Don’t even try the 3 months thing
He has already shown you who he is
He’s a CF ready to take advantage when you say nothing and who only contributes ad minima when you ask for fairness

Exactly.

BIossomtoes · 22/07/2025 13:10

I wouldn’t bother. It’s obvious from the OP that you’re really not that into him. I’d call it a day if I were you.

NuffSaidSam · 22/07/2025 13:11

I don't think you need to do the whole rental thing, just tell him to get his own place. Make it absolutely, crystal clear that he can't stay with you, not even short term. Continue living seperately for at least another few years. Go and stay over at his place and see what that feels like, see if he looks after you like you've looked after him. You absolutely need to see what he's like living by himself first.

Bimblebombles · 22/07/2025 13:12

I think you've had enough experience of him to draw your conclusions of how he acts in a shared space / what he expects / how he responds to push back / what he believes is fair etc.

I think fundamentally you want a more informal relationship than he does and thats absolutely fine. You don't have to justify yourself.

Hedgedone · 22/07/2025 13:12

Ffs, he's a tight fisted cheeky fxxker who has used you for 2 years.

Wake up and smell the roses.
He thinks you are a mug.
He has treated you like a mug.

Could he be any clearer what a mean man he is using you?

Idontjetwashthefucker · 22/07/2025 13:13

No. Don't move in with him, I'd also be ending the relationship...he doesn't want you, just wants somewhere cheap to live

BBQBertha · 22/07/2025 13:14

As you said yourself, cocklodger! Bin.

candycane222 · 22/07/2025 13:15

Id feel so stifled by him! - never mind he meanness with money. Which of course you absolutely should mind.

In my imagination he's a big encroaching blob,like a giant jellyfish, spilling into your space and somehow impossible to push back on. Just don't let him in the door!

He absolutely gets his own place now he has the money , I'd say.. Don't move in with him.. I'd guess he loves the idea of your wifey/hostess attentiveness 7 days a week. He can fuck right off with that idea.

YOU ARE ENTITLED TO YOUR OWN SPACE SEVEN DAYS PER WEEK IF YOU WANT IT. No reason why you can't pop round to his for cuddles and eats, once he has his own place, is there? If he doesn't like that then he is exercising colossal double standards and needs binning. I fear that's the way he's heading but YOU don't have to compromise your preferences in order to accommodate HIS laziness, stinginess, or selfishness. And you just shouldn't.

Vaxtable · 22/07/2025 13:15

No no no. Just tell him he can’t move in, and needs to find somewhere of his own and you will then split the week between the two or something. I would be seriously rethinking this relationship

purplecorkheart · 22/07/2025 13:15

Honestly you don't need to try the three months thing. He has no respect for you. Does not respect your boundaries, ignores your requests. Puts himself first. Do not let him move in with you even in the short term. Get rid of him.

candycane222 · 22/07/2025 13:15

NuffSaidSam · 22/07/2025 13:11

I don't think you need to do the whole rental thing, just tell him to get his own place. Make it absolutely, crystal clear that he can't stay with you, not even short term. Continue living seperately for at least another few years. Go and stay over at his place and see what that feels like, see if he looks after you like you've looked after him. You absolutely need to see what he's like living by himself first.

Spot on, all of this.

Tutorpuzzle · 22/07/2025 13:17

Usually these sort of posts include the ‘we get on really well’, or ‘he’s great at managing the garden’ sort of comments.

Does he add anything to your life, @OldLobster ?

Hedgedone · 22/07/2025 13:18

Women who love too much by Robin Norwood
Why does he dp that Lundy Bancroft
Two books you should read.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk do this.
You deserve better that this mean user loser.

DonewhatIcando · 22/07/2025 13:20

@OldLobster
He's trying to move in by stealth.
He likes staying at yours every night but not contributing to your increasing costs.
He's been married and has raised a DC so he knows what it costs to run a home.
He likes staying at yours for free, wants to pay half if you get a rental but is willing to give you £400 if he moves into your current home, he'd be lucky to be able to rent a room for £400 in most areas.
He's taking the piss, he wants to keep his money whilst you subsidise him.
I'd bin him off, cocklodger in the making

Crikeyalmighty · 22/07/2025 13:22

Something in your gut OP is saying ‘I don’t want that’ - so just be to the point and say you would rather he rented somewhere and had a few nights a week to yourself too - any reasonable bloke would be ok with that . He clearly is thinking in my opinion with his wallet and the fact you fuss around after him.

outerspacepotato · 22/07/2025 13:22

Don't bother with a 3 month rental. You'd be throwing your money away, just like you do on this cocklodger/ leech/freeloader.

Of course he's going to try to move in, he's both cheap AF and lives in a damn shed. He's literally a dusty.

What are you thinking here? Get rid of him.

Original poster
OldLobster · 22/07/2025 13:24

Vaxtable · 22/07/2025 13:15

No no no. Just tell him he can’t move in, and needs to find somewhere of his own and you will then split the week between the two or something. I would be seriously rethinking this relationship

This is what I was hoping for...splitting time between two places was another option I proposed.

Thank you everyone for your replies...i wasn't sure whether I was right to be worried or as mentioned, too territorial re my little house. Its not that I'm not used to living with someone but as mentioned, in my experience sharing a home with someone is a different dynamic to this entirely. I never had this stupid hostess disorder when living with previous partners!

OP posts:
Mulledjuice · 22/07/2025 13:24

NuffSaidSam · 22/07/2025 13:11

I don't think you need to do the whole rental thing, just tell him to get his own place. Make it absolutely, crystal clear that he can't stay with you, not even short term. Continue living seperately for at least another few years. Go and stay over at his place and see what that feels like, see if he looks after you like you've looked after him. You absolutely need to see what he's like living by himself first.

Yes this.

everythingthelighttouches · 22/07/2025 13:25

NuffSaidSam · 22/07/2025 13:11

I don't think you need to do the whole rental thing, just tell him to get his own place. Make it absolutely, crystal clear that he can't stay with you, not even short term. Continue living seperately for at least another few years. Go and stay over at his place and see what that feels like, see if he looks after you like you've looked after him. You absolutely need to see what he's like living by himself first.

All of this.

paranoidnamechanger · 22/07/2025 13:26

My guess is that he’s currently renting and disliking it, and knows that with his share of the house proceeds to use as a deposit it won’t be enough to get a mortgage with a long repayment period at his age and for the house he wants, so has his eye on yours and an easy life.

Original poster
OldLobster · 22/07/2025 13:28

I haven't met anyone like ths before....I tend to be generous even when i have very little which is fine if you're associating with others who are of a simiar nature which has always been the case...I dont think I've ever had to mention money in previous relationships, maybe I've been lucky.

OP posts:
TheFinePrintess · 22/07/2025 13:28

Hedgedone · 22/07/2025 13:12

Ffs, he's a tight fisted cheeky fxxker who has used you for 2 years.

Wake up and smell the roses.
He thinks you are a mug.
He has treated you like a mug.

Could he be any clearer what a mean man he is using you?

Couldn’t have put it better!
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

SeaToSki · 22/07/2025 13:29

I would want to try being ‘hosted’ by him in his own place for a few nights in a row before committing to 3 months of living with him. What happens if he is a complete slob in the kitchen, forgets to pay the bills, leaves the lights on all night and dirty underwear all over the place. What happens if he expects you to bring dinner, wine and clean when you are staying at his place? There are a few more steps between A and Z in this case..even if your current plan is just to go from A to G, dont forget BCD etc!

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