To be alarmed that he wants to move in.

[OldLobster]

Maybe I'm being too territorial / selfish but I'd like some second opinions...I'd like to add from the start that no children are involved in this muddle!

Met DP about 2 years ago. He had been separated for several years at that point but he and ex-wife put off selling the house while their daughter took A levels and then went to uni locally...during this time he slept in a little annex they had in the garden...no room for doubt there as I have met and spoken to ex-wife who seems nice (but very different personality to DP) she was aware of me from the start and I have observed said annex. Their daughter has now finished her course and started a job away from home and they have just put their house on the market.

From the start DP Used to come round to see me unannounced...staying over gradually became 3 then 4 then 5 nights a week although he would go home to shower, wash clothes etc. At one point he asked if we could spend more time together and I said I'd prefer to keep it at 3 or 4 nights a week...which he ignored. Yes, at this point I should have stood my ground but pathetically, I did not. My house is tiny and I work from home. We split cooking and food costs but I found it quite tiring because possibly due to upbringing and poor boundary management I always felt in hostess mode and behaved in the way I would if a friend or relative came to stay....I love my family but I'd be exhausted if they stayed for months...and miss my own space. I've tried to explain this to him...that this setup is very different from the dynamic or sharing a home together (as I've done with previous partners).

Predictably, and here we enter territory where cocklodger comments are likely and justified, the bills went up, heating, oven on all the time etc. I'd be a little more prudent when living alone. He didn't offer any help or any little token as I would when staying with a friend. Slightly tricky as he is seldom here during the day except at weekends. I've not given him a key. He doesn't live here but spends most of his free time here amd every night.

I felt embarrassed mentioning that the bills had gone up which i did after 3 months, he did actually push back a little when I did so but then started giving me the amount by which they had increased. I felt shoddy even asking.

I'd like a break from this arrangement ...so have suggested that before we look at him moving in properly or of getting somewhere together, we perhaps spend 3 months sharing an off season rental (there are lots of holiday cottages where we live and during the winter these are no more expensive than my mortage). Our incomes are similar but I have a fairly large mortgage that takes up half of mine and DP will, in addition, be getting bank interest on his house sale money. This little break would give me a chance to see what its like to live together rather than in my home where most of the costs and upkeep naturally fall to me. As mentioned, my house is tiny...there's barely room for my belongings
Dps bank interest alone would cover most of the rental and it would only be for a few months.

He likes the idea however has stated that he doesn't want to pay for it all and will only entertain it if i pay half..instead he'd like to stay at mine, paying 400 per month (my mortgage is 3 x this).

I'm not usually tight-fisted but in this case am I, for feeling that he should really be offering to take on this responsibility, just fora few months, as I have done so for 18 months?

PS can't you sit down and tell him that you are actually exhausted and you seem to have got into this hostess role but that is just isnt' sustainable. Nor fair!

Ask him to be in charge of the dishwasher, or the tidying or whatever it is which would help you.

Is he now paying you whatever extra it costs for him being there?

I think it would be the best decision to just tell him you don't want to live together right now and he needs to get his own place. None of this holiday cottage for 3 months bullshit, he rents or buys his own place and you've got the security of your own home.

Playing hostess most of the time is exhausting. Emotionally, financially, physically.

I get it and I ended that relationship as that part was just the tip of the iceberg.

So you want a trial run of living together, but in a different space which isn't yours.

But to do this, you are putting your own home under some risk, surely you will need to rent that out?
And there are all the other costs that moving involves.

I think better is him getting his own place, and you stay there some weeks for 3 to 5 days.

Do not give up your home or put it at risk OP.

It is a truth universally knowledged that a newly single man not in possession of a house of his own must be in want of a place to stay.

There is no man so much in love as the man who needs a home.

You may not turn out to be Miss Right - but you're sure as hell Miss Convenient Right Now.

Verdict: Cocklodging Cheeky Fucker.

Agree with posters saying he’s a cheeky fucker!

And that your poor boundaries and passivity haven’t helped you.

Any kind of cohabitation is likely to make the relationship an even crappier deal for you.

Unsurprising that he’s usually nice to you when he’s being hosted for 3/4 nights a week!

If you want to continue dating him (most wouldn’t) wouldn’t make any changes to your housing.

Eg ’Roger, I’d like to continue to live separately for at least the next year, and then talk about and decide what we’d each like to do next. Once you have sorted out your housing I’d like to enjoy your hospitality. In the meantime, up to 2 pre-arranged nights a week at mine, pre-arranged would work for me’

I wouldn’t be surprised if he ditches you when his house sells and his financials in the divorce are settled and he no longer wants a nice, virtually free place to visit. Unless his funds won’t stretch to a decent place alone and he wants a partner to subsidise it, in which case would expect him to be pushy and selfish about it.

I suppose in his defence, he may feel he doesn't live with me which is why he didnt offer to contribute...despite being here most of the time as he has still been paying his share of bills on his own property and has all his things in the cabin thing at his house.

But aside from that..if I was in his position I'd definitely offer to take the weight off my 'host' after 18 months of benefitting by treating them to a few months break from it to see how things went.

OP look you need to find out whether he is actually a fully functioning human in his own right because up to now it seems he’s been treating you like his parent.

He should buy his own home, you can split time across them and then you will quickly learn whether he is a fully functioning adult or not. Also reset the rules when he is staying at yours to share chores and say the same applies to his house.

This is what my partner and I have done for 5 years, only recently moving in together.

He needs to be your ex

It feels a bit like this ^ OP, sorry.

He can rent his own place and be the gracious host. Cook you a nice meal at his. I wouldn’t do any moving in with him, you need to be able to look at his dirty laundry and dusty living room and dishes and say I think I had better head off, you’ll want some time to yourself to sort the house. And head home to your nice clean house. If you live together you’d still carry the load and just bleugh. I’d rather eat the contents of the Hoover bag.

Good god, no. You're alarmed, rightly. You're doubting yourself, and calling yourself selfish and tightfisted. Hello! He's the selfish, tightfisted, boundary invading, entitled one! You're even acting our a fantasy role, impelled by his expectations that is contrary to your usual behaviour.

Forget the three months trial plan. That would disrupt your life and tell you sweet bugger all. He needs to get his own place, and you need to have a think why you are letting yourself be run-over and used by this selfish, tightfisted, entitled little man.

You can change your current arrangement at any time by deciding on and asserting new boundaries.

18 months of subsidising him to this level seems more than enough.

If he’s reasonable and loves you he’ll show this. More likely he’ll be difficult and/or end the relationship in which case you’re better off than you would have been spending more time and money on him.

Why rent a house together, you'll still have to pay bills on your house while you're not there, renting out your house will lead to tax bills, safety checks you need to pay for, why not tell him to rent his own house and split the time equally between the 2. If he doesn't treat you as a guest in his house and doesn't take any responsibility you know how it would go if he moves in with you. If he rents his own house and you notice he still expects you to do the domestic chores at his house, then at least you can have a clean break

Stop defending him. This is where the problem has come about, because you think the best of him and let him get away with this selfish immature behaviour. You aren't his mum and you don't have to make excuses for his crapness. He's not some hapless fool, he's been married once already, he knows how households run. He's used your good nature to have an easy ride for months and ignored you and pushed back whenever you tried to assert yourself. This isn't some error he's made that needs correcting. it's a choice he's made because he cares about himself and thinks it's your role to support him.

And this is the guy you want to grow old with? (Like, really?)
If this is what it’s like now, it’s not going to get better the further in you get.

Op you need to say, you stay here two night a week max,
I'd love to spend a couple more nights with you too if you host.

OR he moves in properly and pays rent on half the market value of a one bed home
In your area and half the bills

But you’re already living with him! And he’s not paying his way, or listening to you and is riding roughshod over your wishes, while you meekly go along with things.

Tell him get his own place. After he’s been gone out of yours for a while. You will consider whether the relationship has legs once you’re no longer ‘playing hostess’.

Honestly, why do divorced men seem to always want to move straight in with the new woman? It’s like they can’t function alone.

He needs to get his own place and live as an independent adult for a while. Then you can visit him for a change and he can do the hosting.

After a while of visiting each other’s homes you can both decide whether to move into a shared place, and you’ll know when you do it’s for the right reasons - not just because it was convenient for him.

Him: I want to move I with you and pay you £400

You: You can still come over, but you need to find your own place first.

See what happens

I actually don't know where to start on this. He's mean, he's trying to move in by stealth, he seems to want everything on his terms, you say there are no children in the mix but he HAS got a young adult daughter . . . I hope he's a stupendously good shag because I can't see any other reason why you'd have him around.

No to the rental. He needs to find his own place to live, it's that simple. No moving in with you, even temporarily. He's looking for someone to pay half of his living expenses!! By all means continue seeing him if you want but your boundaries need to be very firm. You stay over at his place as well as him staying over at yours. You've only been together 2 years, and all of that time he was still living in the family home. He's not attempted to live by himself, and doesn't appear very interested in doing so. I definitely wouldn't be moving a man into my home that hasn't lived by himself, looked after himself and seems tight fisted with paying his way. These are all big red flags.

He really is showing you very CLEARLY who he is. You need to accept what he is showing and telling you and not make excuses for him.

He is being extraordinary tight and using you. If he were making practical and logical alternative suggestions that were completely fair financially it may be different but he is not.

Take firm heed of what he is showing you. Refuse what he wants to do.
You do not need to rent a place for 3 months to see how it works out. You can already tell it simply will not work out from his comments and actions.

He needs to get his own place to live. Then it is up to you to decide whether you are wasting your time with this man or not. Unless his attitude towards fair financial contribution changes remarkably he needs to be your ex.

You already said he pushed back on you when you brought up the bills. That in itself was the biggest major red flag going.

We get on very well 90 percent of the time What's the other 10% like?

Why did you let him in when he kept turning up uninvited? You showed yourself to be a soft touch right from the start, no wonder he doesn't respect you and uses you, you're a convenience for him.

Do not rent your house out

You could suggest going on holiday together, but only if he pays half his share

I’d have a very strong conversation with him. No moving in and no more than 2 nights a week, you can stay with him in his new house for 2 nights a week and then you get 3 nights to yourself.

just text him ‘Hi Mike, the living arrangements isn’t working for me, now you’re in a position to buy let’s change things up a bit. You can stay at mine Monday and Tuesday, I’ll stay with you in your new house Thursday and Friday and that way we both get a bit of downtime too.

If he doesn’t agree tell him to sling his hook