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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be alarmed that he wants to move in.

647 replies

OldLobster · 22/07/2025 12:58

Maybe I'm being too territorial / selfish but I'd like some second opinions...I'd like to add from the start that no children are involved in this muddle!

Met DP about 2 years ago. He had been separated for several years at that point but he and ex-wife put off selling the house while their daughter took A levels and then went to uni locally...during this time he slept in a little annex they had in the garden...no room for doubt there as I have met and spoken to ex-wife who seems nice (but very different personality to DP) she was aware of me from the start and I have observed said annex. Their daughter has now finished her course and started a job away from home and they have just put their house on the market.

From the start DP Used to come round to see me unannounced...staying over gradually became 3 then 4 then 5 nights a week although he would go home to shower, wash clothes etc. At one point he asked if we could spend more time together and I said I'd prefer to keep it at 3 or 4 nights a week...which he ignored. Yes, at this point I should have stood my ground but pathetically, I did not. My house is tiny and I work from home. We split cooking and food costs but I found it quite tiring because possibly due to upbringing and poor boundary management I always felt in hostess mode and behaved in the way I would if a friend or relative came to stay....I love my family but I'd be exhausted if they stayed for months...and miss my own space. I've tried to explain this to him...that this setup is very different from the dynamic or sharing a home together (as I've done with previous partners).

Predictably, and here we enter territory where cocklodger comments are likely and justified, the bills went up, heating, oven on all the time etc. I'd be a little more prudent when living alone. He didn't offer any help or any little token as I would when staying with a friend. Slightly tricky as he is seldom here during the day except at weekends. I've not given him a key. He doesn't live here but spends most of his free time here amd every night.

I felt embarrassed mentioning that the bills had gone up which i did after 3 months, he did actually push back a little when I did so but then started giving me the amount by which they had increased. I felt shoddy even asking.

I'd like a break from this arrangement ...so have suggested that before we look at him moving in properly or of getting somewhere together, we perhaps spend 3 months sharing an off season rental (there are lots of holiday cottages where we live and during the winter these are no more expensive than my mortage). Our incomes are similar but I have a fairly large mortgage that takes up half of mine and DP will, in addition, be getting bank interest on his house sale money. This little break would give me a chance to see what its like to live together rather than in my home where most of the costs and upkeep naturally fall to me. As mentioned, my house is tiny...there's barely room for my belongings
Dps bank interest alone would cover most of the rental and it would only be for a few months.

He likes the idea however has stated that he doesn't want to pay for it all and will only entertain it if i pay half..instead he'd like to stay at mine, paying 400 per month (my mortgage is 3 x this).

I'm not usually tight-fisted but in this case am I, for feeling that he should really be offering to take on this responsibility, just fora few months, as I have done so for 18 months?

OP posts:
Sixtygoingonthirty · 22/07/2025 16:04

NuffSaidSam · 22/07/2025 13:11

I don't think you need to do the whole rental thing, just tell him to get his own place. Make it absolutely, crystal clear that he can't stay with you, not even short term. Continue living seperately for at least another few years. Go and stay over at his place and see what that feels like, see if he looks after you like you've looked after him. You absolutely need to see what he's like living by himself first.

Exactly my thoughts. Get him to find a place and you go and stay with him 3 or 4 nights a week. You deserve the break! Be clear now that you don’t have room for him full time.

pinkdelight · 22/07/2025 16:11

OldLobster · 22/07/2025 15:44

I know. Even a room in a shared house here is 600 plus.

Show quote history

So when you say: £400? You're having a laugh. You can't live anywhere for that.
It'd be enlightening to hear his justification, for why he thinks it's worth it to you. I bet it involves making you feel tight for even deigning to ask him for a fair rate and whole load of expecting you to do the best by him while he does the worst by you. He is not a team player and that's the fundamental quality needed from a good partner. Everything else is just nice while it's all going the way he wants.

SALaw · 22/07/2025 16:12

You’re just not that in to each other, in my view.

RedToothBrush · 22/07/2025 16:13

You said no.

He ignored it.

You recognised your boundaries were being eroded. And then have accepted it and are questioning yourself.

This is not right. This is not a good arrangement or relationship.

Milosc · 22/07/2025 16:13

As he expects you to now pay half of the rental I would present him with a bill for all the nights he stayed at your home as if it was his own personal hotel. If he wants it to be fair then he owes you for all those months of free lodging.

In all seriousness though, this sounds like a bad idea moving in together. He is going from one woman taking care of him to another. Tell him no and he needs to be on his own for awhile. Make staying over a set amount of nights at either place a rule. Stop letting him take advantage of you. If you want to continue seeing him despite his many red flags, make sure he is not allowed to move in with you. Protect yourself OP and be wary. He seems like a user who is just taking advantage of your good nature.

istheresomethingishouldsay · 22/07/2025 16:13

He wants you to subsidize his life.

He wants you to subsidize his life AND do all the heavy lifting.

He want you to subsidize his life AND not complain about it.

I'd dump him.

AnotherDayInParadise43 · 22/07/2025 16:14

Out of interest do any of these behaviors reflect why his marriage has ended?

tellmetellmepleasetellme · 22/07/2025 16:15

Just wanted to add I think you sound lovely and generosity is such a good trait, so please don’t change that about yourself! Just be careful to only let in people who value that quality too.

BernardButlersBra · 22/07/2025 16:20

It looks like a cocklodger, moves like a cocklodger and cocklodges like a cocklodger then it's a cocklodger!

He doesn't like being a grown up does he? I'm assuming this is why his marriage tanked. But still lives in effect with her, then he can get his feet inserted in under your table. £400 a month! Yeah, l would LOVE to pay that. Problem is that was probably a fair contribution for a grown up about 20-25 + years ago. Why is he so precious that he doesn't have to pay his own way?

MaryGreenhill · 22/07/2025 16:24

Get rid @OldLobster like you said he's already a Cocklodger

LBFseBrom · 22/07/2025 16:28

If you don't want your boyfriend to move in with you, he doesn't move in. It's your house and up to you. I don't blame you and don't understand his eagerness being as it wasn't long ago he was living with wife. One would think he'd want to enjoy independence for a while and there's nothing like having your own place, even a very humble one.

Just tell him it isn't that sort of relationship, too soon for you to consider setting up home with someone (if ever).

There are more fish in the sea.

DiggingHoles · 22/07/2025 16:30

inkognitha · 22/07/2025 13:04

Don’t even try the 3 months thing
He has already shown you who he is
He’s a CF ready to take advantage when you say nothing and who only contributes ad minima when you ask for fairness

Once again, first comment nails it.

He has no respect for you. He leap frogs over your boundaries like they are a joke, and they probably are to him. If you give it a "trial run" of 3 months, you're never getting rid of him.

Dump him, now! He does not love you and I am seeing why he and his ex split up and his is still in an annex. He is used to mooching off of women's money and efforts.

Horses7 · 22/07/2025 16:31

No way!!
🚩 🚩🚩🚩🚩

Spindrifts · 22/07/2025 16:31

Ask yourself, is this me living my best life? What I want? How I would like to be into the future? The world is full of nice people if we go out there looking, clubs, groups, hobbies etc. It takes a bit of time but will click with someone who makes you feel the best version of yourself. You deservie it.

Bikergran · 22/07/2025 16:31

No, no, no. Just no.

Movingonup313 · 22/07/2025 16:32

Echoing previous posters comments. Is the £400 for rent, elec, gas, council tax, water, broadband, Netflix etc etc and food? What would happen if something needs replaced or fixed. Would all the house admin still fall to you (im not saying it shouldn't but including just for perspective). So he transfers £400 pcm to you and lands on his feet. You gain a mouth to feed, less space, higher bills. Its not sounding fair. If its what you wanted, that is fine. But, quite rightly, that is not the arrangement you want and he ought to listen.

Whoooo · 22/07/2025 16:33

Cocklodger

LittlleMy · 22/07/2025 16:33

Entitled and mean! My hackles were up from when you said he started coming by unannounced and despite you asking him not to, increased his overnight stays. He’s not the one OP, I’d have given him the benefit of the doubt if he at least did something you wanted for a change and paid for a short rental to check compatibility but no, the miser doesn’t even want to do that!

It’s a unanimous No! from the most of us and I really do hope you chuck this one back. And I don’t care if he’s ’nice the rest of the time’ - of course he is you lovely meal ticket! No woman is that desperate they need this in their life 😑

T1Dmom · 22/07/2025 16:34

Just tell him he needs to find his own place. £400 is a piss take.

everythingthelighttouches · 22/07/2025 16:34

OldLobster · 22/07/2025 14:49

I suppose in his defence, he may feel he doesn't live with me which is why he didnt offer to contribute...despite being here most of the time as he has still been paying his share of bills on his own property and has all his things in the cabin thing at his house.

But aside from that..if I was in his position I'd definitely offer to take the weight off my 'host' after 18 months of benefitting by treating them to a few months break from it to see how things went.

I’m sorry @OldLobster but this is an absolutely infuriating post!

”In his defence…”
Why are you doing that??!!
Genuinely, it’s a bit of a deep question about sense of self but why do you feel the need to defend him?

You came on here to say you are (quite rightly) alarmed at the idea of him moving in. When greeted by many posters offering support and sensible advice, carefully outlining that this guy is a user, you then argue his case for him. Why?

You said in his defence, he might feel he was paying bills back at home and not really be living with you…But you somehow conveniently forget that in your OP you said he was the one who chose to spend the majority of his time at yours in the first place!!

What’s more, he ignored your request for him to come over less!

You said:
”From the start DP Used to come round to see me unannounced...staying over gradually became 3 then 4 then 5 nights a week although he would go home to shower, wash clothes etc. At one point he asked if we could spend more time together and I said I'd prefer to keep it at 3 or 4 nights a week...which he ignored.”

DPotter · 22/07/2025 16:36

I would give living with him a try in those circumstances

Oh Oldlobster -I'm bowled over by your enthusiasm to live together- not. I would argue living together should require the same level of consent as having sex - anything other than an enthusiastic YES is a no. I'm not getting the lovey-dovey vibes from you, not the kindness, not the wanting to share a future, more oh I've never tried that brand of teabag before but I'll give it a try.

I agree with so many other posters - he's seen you coming and has inveigled his way in and now you want find a way out, but can't. I am afraid you'll have to take the bull by the horns and either dump him or completely re-negotiate your relationship.

Richiewoo · 22/07/2025 16:37

God no don't let him move in. Tell him to get his own place.

Kipperandarthur · 22/07/2025 16:39

You just simply need to ask him to find his own place to live with his £400 that includes:
Rent / Mortgage
Utilities
Council Tax
And all associated bills

Hedgedone · 22/07/2025 16:39

OP, you have treated him like a Lord, being his skivvy hostess.
Of course he would like that full-time for a paltry £400 a month.

He clearly believes you are desperate for him.

Only desperation would tolerate this.
Wake up.
You deserve so much better than a mean user loser.

wantmorenow · 22/07/2025 16:42

" Dear BF, I don't want to discuss or plan to live together for at least a few more years. I look forward to staying over in your new home and having time together in your new place as well as you visiting me too" His actions and reaction will tell you everything.

He needs to get his own place. Don't suggest fixes ie renting or buying ideas. He needs to adult. Then see how it goes. Let him show his commitment to reciprocating your hospitality. If he won't step up then he's just looking for how to meet his own needs at your expense.