To be alarmed that he wants to move in.

[OldLobster]

Maybe I'm being too territorial / selfish but I'd like some second opinions...I'd like to add from the start that no children are involved in this muddle!

Met DP about 2 years ago. He had been separated for several years at that point but he and ex-wife put off selling the house while their daughter took A levels and then went to uni locally...during this time he slept in a little annex they had in the garden...no room for doubt there as I have met and spoken to ex-wife who seems nice (but very different personality to DP) she was aware of me from the start and I have observed said annex. Their daughter has now finished her course and started a job away from home and they have just put their house on the market.

From the start DP Used to come round to see me unannounced...staying over gradually became 3 then 4 then 5 nights a week although he would go home to shower, wash clothes etc. At one point he asked if we could spend more time together and I said I'd prefer to keep it at 3 or 4 nights a week...which he ignored. Yes, at this point I should have stood my ground but pathetically, I did not. My house is tiny and I work from home. We split cooking and food costs but I found it quite tiring because possibly due to upbringing and poor boundary management I always felt in hostess mode and behaved in the way I would if a friend or relative came to stay....I love my family but I'd be exhausted if they stayed for months...and miss my own space. I've tried to explain this to him...that this setup is very different from the dynamic or sharing a home together (as I've done with previous partners).

Predictably, and here we enter territory where cocklodger comments are likely and justified, the bills went up, heating, oven on all the time etc. I'd be a little more prudent when living alone. He didn't offer any help or any little token as I would when staying with a friend. Slightly tricky as he is seldom here during the day except at weekends. I've not given him a key. He doesn't live here but spends most of his free time here amd every night.

I felt embarrassed mentioning that the bills had gone up which i did after 3 months, he did actually push back a little when I did so but then started giving me the amount by which they had increased. I felt shoddy even asking.

I'd like a break from this arrangement ...so have suggested that before we look at him moving in properly or of getting somewhere together, we perhaps spend 3 months sharing an off season rental (there are lots of holiday cottages where we live and during the winter these are no more expensive than my mortage). Our incomes are similar but I have a fairly large mortgage that takes up half of mine and DP will, in addition, be getting bank interest on his house sale money. This little break would give me a chance to see what its like to live together rather than in my home where most of the costs and upkeep naturally fall to me. As mentioned, my house is tiny...there's barely room for my belongings
Dps bank interest alone would cover most of the rental and it would only be for a few months.

He likes the idea however has stated that he doesn't want to pay for it all and will only entertain it if i pay half..instead he'd like to stay at mine, paying 400 per month (my mortgage is 3 x this).

I'm not usually tight-fisted but in this case am I, for feeling that he should really be offering to take on this responsibility, just fora few months, as I have done so for 18 months?

@OldLobster Ah get rid.
Tell him you need a break for 3 months if you like, but you'll feel so much better without him.

let him get his own place and have a normal relationship where you spend time at the other’s house plus each have some time alone. If that works well and there are no more red flags, then try a holiday together. Why are you so keen to test out living together when you’re already (rightly) seeing red flags?

He needs to learn to 'be alone'. It looks as though he doesn't like his own company much and wants to go straight from being married to being in a full time relationship. But he needs to know how it feels to be alone - to cook and clean and spend evenings on his own. Otherwise I don't think he will appreciate being part of a couple properly - it will just be like a 'one out, one in' thing.

Tell him that you want to come and visit HIM. You want to feel looked after as you look after him, and paid for and cooked for. If he can't do this, or doesn't want to, then he's really just looking for a roof over his head and someone to do the dogsbody stuff.

I would lay money on it that once the money from the house sale comes through, that will be ‘banked’ for the future and you won’t see a penny of it.

Meanwhile he is paying you £400 a month and getting free sex and food and making you uncomfortable in your own home:

Stop defending him and wise up. You absolutely CAN back peddle.

Lay down the line after today. No need to be aggressive but say what you need and be very strict.
He can stay 2 nights a week and you will help him look for a new place to buy or rent if he wants your help. No moving in. No more using you.

Get tough here or you will be made a mug of.

Are you seriously looking to stay with someone who wants to take advantage of you this way? Hasn’t he shown you what a selfish, not nice person he is enough yet? You don’t need to trial him for 3 months, deep down you know who he is

Of course you ‘get on well’ because he’s getting exactly what he wants and you are burying your true feelings.
Do you really want this man, or any man, that much that you are prepared to be financially abused?
He is a CF and a cocklodger. I am sorry OP but if you allow this to continue you have a world of pain ahead of you.
He’s using you.
And that’s not love.

I would be absolutely mortified if a boyfriend told me his costs at home had increased due to me living there. I'd get my bank card out immediately. I certainly wouldn't push back! That's exceptional CF territory.

He doesn't let you have a break, to enjoy your home on your own. He lives in your house as though he's paying for everything. No way would I be having a three month trial (anyone can behave themselves for that long) and no way would I be living with him. He's tight, OP. He sees you as a way of saving himself money.

I'm not sure who said this originally but I heard it on here: "Nobody falls in love as quickly as someone who's without a home."

£400 a month?

Where the hell do you live that he seriously thinks that's fair or reasonable?

Well clearly, he's not thinking 'fair and reasonable', he's thinking how little can he suggest that you will accept.

He's looking for a cheap place to live and sees you as a mug OP. He must realise that he wouldn't even get a room in a shared house in most areas, let alone one that includes all bills.

He sounds really unpleasant, and I suspect that once moved in he'll turn out to be even more unpleasant; he's a user.

And as pps have said, under no circumstances let out your house. You'll potentially be setting yourself up with a whole other set of problems if you get a problem tenant.

Ditch him and get your home and life back.

He doesn’t seem to be remotely interested in what you want, it’s all about what’s most convenient for him, and right now that’s sponging off you while protecting his own financial situation. Absolutely do not let him move in.

LOL @ £400 a month rent 😂 Uni rooms are £700 upwards a month for my DCs

This guy is a walking, talking ick.

Go find someone lovely and tell this one he’s done x x

I know. Even a room in a shared house here is 600 plus.

My son paid £600 in a four person house share four years ago, plus bills on top.

You're playing hostess because you don't see this as living together - that would be different and more equal in your eyes.

In his eyes you're living together. Nothing would change if he officially moved in, except you'd have less space as all his stuff would be there, and you wouldn't be able to send him home because he lives with you.

If this isn't the end of the relationship, then I think the best option if for him to get his own place and for you to reassess after 6 months to see what you both want at that time.

Astounding that you've been hosting him and letting him stay with you for 18 months and he's not willing to do the same for you for 3 months.

If nothing else, OP, I'd very much want him to live alone for a while because he's coming out of a long-term family set up, however convoluted the sleeping arrangements have become.

If you insist on living together, I'd want to rent out my house and rent a new, neutral place together with evenly/proportionally split responsibilities - proportionally if there is a large divergence in incomes.

I'd feel HUGELY uncomfortable with someone assuming that they could move into my house, and there are all sorts of financial implications. Either he does not contribute nearly enough because it is your house so the general upkeep, maintenance and spending falls to you. Or he becomes financially involved in your asset and compromises your long-term security and independence.

And as PP have suggested, there are red flags all over the fact that he is happy to have you fuss over him for 18+ months, he has not withdrawn when you said that you'd like to stick to 3-4 days per week, he was reluctant to contribute financially despite your bills going up, etc.

If he loved and adored you and was desperate to prove to you how great a joint-living arrangement would be, he'd be falling over himself to find a rental cottage to show you. Instead he's trying to wheedle into your house for 400 quid/month.

I like this suggestion.

You know the red flags are there, basically everyone is telling you he needs to live independently in another home and prove he can look after himself, or you need to get rid of him. So what are you going to do?

Don't rent your own house out with all the hassle that will come with in terms of becoming a landlord, however temporarily.

I second what PP have said - don't let him move in for goodness sake! He's not paying his way, nor does he intend to. I have the same problem as you - I tend to be generous, that only works if your partner is also that way inclined. But he isn't and he's taking you for a mug. I'd want to re-assess the whole relationship. Sorry OP - but at least you have realised.

Get rid. End of. Simple.

Why do seemingly intelligent women keep putting up with this gross cocklodger behaviour?

It's embarrassing

Do you actually want to live with him? It's a perfectly valid choice to want your own place and have a relationship with someone who you see 3 or 4 times a week (or less, or more, whatever you feel) and both have your own home and own space. Don't feel railroaded into living together if you don't really want to. Your off season rental idea sounds mad - I really couldn't be bothered to do that.

Nothing else needs to be said.

I empathize completely about preferring some time to myself and feeling in hostess mode even though I shouldn't. I find it really tiring having someone in my house for days on end when I'm used to my own space. I'm not sure about the financial arrangements but I think it would be wise to try living together in a neutral place for a few months to see how it works out.

Your second paragraph says it all to me really - as a couple you are incompatible. You sound generous and thoughtful and he sounds entitled and inconsiderate.

He’s been very forthcoming with his future expectations and you should not ignore the red flags.

If you really want to give this relationship a final chance do what others have said - tell him to get his own place for a few years. Live apart and see what the relationship is like without constantly feeling resentment and doubt.

Honestly and I mean this kindly I think he has come to like you AND the advantages of your circumstances. For the relationship to work he needs to just like you as a person.

Don’t do the holiday cottage thing. It won’t tell you what you need to know. His decision whether he wants to continue the relationship, when he is told he has to be an adult and all the inconveniences that comes with it, will tell you everything.

I'm sorry OP but he saw you coming two years ago.

Meanness is so very unattractive. You'd be better off on your own. 🌺