To want my kids and I to have passports?

[Marzipanface]

My children and I don’t have passports. My husband does. He is the main breadwinner, I look after our two children who have some additional needs. As a result I do not work outside of the home. I simply don’t have the time due to caring commitments or the childcare and I’ve been out of the job market for a very long time due to a serious health condition. Thankfully I’ve recovered from it fingers crossed and then I became a SAHM to my two children. The plan was to go back to work when they were settled in school but life got in the way and now I have a teenager and a preteen who both have additional needs and some health issues and mainstream school never worked out for them both. I have no family support re: childcare or help.

As a result I have little economic to no economic independence from my DH. He has always been fairly reasonable about his salary and we consider it a joint income until it comes to big purchases, then he makes the decisions.

Two years ago my DH received a significant inheritance. The only thing I requested was could he please get me and the kids passports and could we try to take them in a trip to France or Spain. It doesn’t have to be exotic. I regularly have an issue with ID as I don’t drive and I would really like to take the kids abroad on holiday or on an educational short trip. He didn’t pay for them.

The kids are older now and regularly ask why we can’t go to another country or go on a plane/boat, and I have to explain that we don’t have passports.

I’ve had enough. I want a passport and I want to be able to take the kids somewhere. I also want to be able to go on a trip with friends on a city break instead of always having to make excuses. As usual my DH has demanded ‘why do we need them’ and told us he can’t afford them. He has now gone to bed in a piss because I’m having a ‘go again’ because my daughter is asking us for a passport and pointed out to me she is 15 and never been to another country.

He doesn’t care much for travelling despite having to do some for his work. He has told me yet again that I don’t need a passport. I’m fucking sick of it. AIBU?

Surely you must be getting child benefit for the children, and aren't you also getting DLA for them due to their health issues? Put some of that away each month until you have enough for the passports.

That's a starting point and then you can move on from there.

Surely you have a shared account where you buy clothes food etc. just buy the passports. It’s your money too.

Yes I get child benefit and DLA for one child. Yes I agree, I think the best way is to put some aside each month specifically for passports.

Yes you are right. I’m just so bloody exhausted in the evenings. I also have some other evening commitments related to the kids (3 evenings I have clubs/activities and an elderly relative that relies on me). I never imagined how full on life would become and expected to be back at work etc.

Honestly I do wonder if I am dealing with a reasonable world view which is why I posted on here!

It's not clear exactly what your financial situation is but I find it hard to believe that someone with a big enough job to need to travel to the US and China for work thinks a passport is a major expense.

The OP should have full access to the joint bank account, not be paying for food shopping from her child benefit, FFS.

Of course he's being financially abusive.

Perhaps the OP should be squirrelling money away to pay a divorce lawyer and then she can get passports and take her children on holiday after the financial settlement.

I'm sorry that I haven't read every post but I wondered if child benefit had come up? Do you receive that to your account, OP? It's usually paid to the mother. Or could you access it in increments to pay for the passports?

She's saying she has no money to pay for it..her husband won't give her money for them

You need to stop caring for your elderly relative, step back let social services asses their needs etc.

You can’t do it all.

💐

Husband has a full time job where he travels internationally but people are telling the OP to cut the neighbours grass or take in some ironing to earn extra money 😂 absolute classic mumsnet. Just order them then have the argument with him, nothing he can do once you’ve applied

I recommend claiming carers allowance as you are a full time carer. Get the passports that way x

I can see why he might be getting away with saying that passports are not a priority when travel is a hypothetical. But when you have had to miss out on opportunities to go on hols with extended family or the kids to go on subsidised trips - what happens? Do those situations not highlight why you need passports?

It would help to know how much your husband is bringing in?

You say he travels regularly so I assume it’s an alright wage.

He isn’t on minimum wage wondering how to make ends meet.

This is controlling behaviour from him and I don’t know any sane person who would put up such a fight to stop the rest of their family unit getting passports and for them to be able to travel.

Blow money?! If your idea of blowing money is buying teenagers a passport then I’d hate to see you being tight.

You don’t seem to value her contribution to the house. Enabling her husband to work. And therefore earn. You sound utterly heartless.

Oh ffs, SAH is not a privilege, it’s bloody hard work, especially if the children in question have additional needs. And I say that as someone with a full time job who will not be a SAHM when our little one gets here.

The work she has put into their family has value - if he’s not made the sacrifice of giving up a career to raise their children, he can at least entertain the idea of three £80 quid passports.

Yes I will look into carers allowance. Thank you.

They are involved and the relative is in the right place thanks. There are still some responsibilities on me though.

Do they still live at home?
Do they have carers visiting them every few hours or once a day?
I can understand why you're still involved do you have siblings who can help?

Should be, ‘my kids and me’

For photo ID, look into Citizen card. It's free for children under 16 and £18 otherwise.

https://www.citizencard.com/apply-for-a-uk-id-card-online

You can use this to fly domestically and to the Channel Islands and Ireland too I believe. Not that exotic but it's a start! They last 3 years.

If your child is on middle or higher rate dla, you will be eligible for carer's allowance. I would also look into getting universal credit. You will have to do a joint claim with your husband, but you would be eligible for the carer's element of that too.

I would just apply for them and pay out of the joint account- if he has a problem with that then you need to start negotiating a divorce.

Why don't you just save £5 a week for a year?
And apply yourself?

Work out how much the childcare (& hometasks you provide- shopping, cooking, cleaning etc) would cost him if he had to pay for it… that is effectively your salary contribution to the household economy. Then tell him you need access to more money and if he won’t do that you’ll need to get a job and he’ll have to pay for all the tasks outlined above.

Why should she have to do that? Her husband is clearly earning a lot of money and not disclosing it. They don’t send junior employees on work trips to China and the US.