To want my kids and I to have passports?

[Marzipanface]

My children and I don’t have passports. My husband does. He is the main breadwinner, I look after our two children who have some additional needs. As a result I do not work outside of the home. I simply don’t have the time due to caring commitments or the childcare and I’ve been out of the job market for a very long time due to a serious health condition. Thankfully I’ve recovered from it fingers crossed and then I became a SAHM to my two children. The plan was to go back to work when they were settled in school but life got in the way and now I have a teenager and a preteen who both have additional needs and some health issues and mainstream school never worked out for them both. I have no family support re: childcare or help.

As a result I have little economic to no economic independence from my DH. He has always been fairly reasonable about his salary and we consider it a joint income until it comes to big purchases, then he makes the decisions.

Two years ago my DH received a significant inheritance. The only thing I requested was could he please get me and the kids passports and could we try to take them in a trip to France or Spain. It doesn’t have to be exotic. I regularly have an issue with ID as I don’t drive and I would really like to take the kids abroad on holiday or on an educational short trip. He didn’t pay for them.

The kids are older now and regularly ask why we can’t go to another country or go on a plane/boat, and I have to explain that we don’t have passports.

I’ve had enough. I want a passport and I want to be able to take the kids somewhere. I also want to be able to go on a trip with friends on a city break instead of always having to make excuses. As usual my DH has demanded ‘why do we need them’ and told us he can’t afford them. He has now gone to bed in a piss because I’m having a ‘go again’ because my daughter is asking us for a passport and pointed out to me she is 15 and never been to another country.

He doesn’t care much for travelling despite having to do some for his work. He has told me yet again that I don’t need a passport. I’m fucking sick of it. AIBU?

This is not true. You can't claim for the same thing twice. If she claims carers allowance, it will be removed £1 for £1 from any UC claim where carer's elements is claimed. Her household income (ie his wages and savings) will almost certainly be too high for any other element of UC. Except perhaps childcare costs, which I don't think she's paying for so is irrelevant.

OP if you want to check, go on "entitled to" website and input your details. It's not a government website and it doesn't mean you're claiming anything. It's an information site.

While you're there, input your details a second time for a hypothetical situation in which you're divorced and renting. There's another website that can give you the local housing allowance rate for your area for the number of bedrooms you're allowed (you can have as many bedrooms as you like but the government won't pay for those you don't officially need). Just Google it. You'll need this information for "entitled to". This will give you an idea of how much state help you'd get if you left him.

Of course if you own a house (regardless of who's name it's in) you'd get part of the equity of that in the divorce and also part of his pension as well as part of any other savings and investments there are. So you could have enough upon divorce to purchase something or put a deposit down and get a mortgage for the rest and not need to rent.

Even if you've no intention of divorcing at this stage it's useful to know where you'd stand if you did.

If you do decide step back from this. Social services will have to step in. If they're getting the maximum of 4 care visits daily the next step is a care home. What you choose to do is your own business. I'm not judging. You aren't legally obligated to care for a relative though.

Your only responsibility is to your DC. They shouldn't suffer in any way because you've chosen to care for a relative. If stepping back from caring for relatives means you could work a little and avoid any issues of missed opportunities for DC due to lack of a passport or funds for school trips etc, then putting your DC first is the right thing to do.

None of this absolves your DH from the fact he's a controlling prick though. And if he wasn't, you wouldn't be in this situation to have to consider making these kinds of choices. I'm absolutely not blaming you, just pointing out you maybe do have options.

I don't think she'll tell us. It's pretty obvious she's in the denial and minimisation phase.

She could easily tell her friends she's not allowed a passport and that's why she can't come on the girly weekends away. But she doesn't, she makes excuses instead, because deep down she knows what he's doing is wrong and she knows they'll rightly judge him. Probably tell her he's controlling and to leave him. And she doesn't really want to hear it.

All through this thread she's minimising everything bad he does and maximising the pointless. "His strength is earning money", as if she doesn't also possess that strength, as do most people. She had a good job before DC came along. It's more accurate to say his weaknesses is in not being patient with DC and being unable to be a good parent to them. It's easier to big him up to people than face the truth that he's a rubbish dad though. It doesn't matters how much money he earns if he won't share it. It's not the huge plus point she's making it out to be.

She's in denial about him being a loving husband. She's got skewed thought processes about what's right and wrong in general. That's why she sees no issue with her DC's DLA money, which in a well-off family should be getting spent on things to enhance that DC's life, being used instead for the family food shop.

And views her husband transferring that DLA money to her account as somehow him being generous and giving her "spending money", when in reality he's actually being incredibly tight and giving her zero spending money, and not even providing money from his wages for paying for food and household bills etc. The only money she can spend is if she justifies it to him and he agrees. She has no autonomy over spending at all. And she can't see that's financial control on his part.

She either knows how much he earns or, like us, she suspects how much due to the good job with foreign travel involved and she knows we'll judge him for not sharing it with her once we see there's definitely enough to go around.

Because she's in denial and minimising everything, she's still in the phase of protecting him from other people's judgement. She's still viewing him as a loving husband and can't reconcile the truth of him as her abuser yet. A loving husband doesn't treat their wife the way he's treating her, but she's only in the very early stages of beginning to see that.

I've been there and did the exact same thing, it's not uncommon. Assuming it couldn't be abused because he didn't hit me and was "nice most of the time" (except it was actually a combination of #1 when he was getting his own way, which was almost all of the time and #2 my definition of "nice" just meant not being verbally abused or actively being coerced into something at that moment in time!). I'd moan to friends about his treatment of me (leaving out the worst parts of course) and when the were shocked and said anything negative about him or even something neutral like how they wouldn't put up with that, I'd backtrack and minimise and start bigging up his "good points" (there basically weren't any really and I'm 💯 certain with hindsight that my friends saw right through me, just like we can see the OPs situation even without her saying much. Nobody was surprised when I left him).

I haven’t responded because I’ve been busy all day.

Thank you all for your considered responses. I think there has been some misunderstanding or exaggeration through this thread as I don’t believe I said anywhere that he doesn’t give me money for food or bills. If I gave that impression I didn’t meant it at all. This categorically isn’t the case. He pays for most of the food shops, the mortgage, majority of the bills and I also pick up groceries and pay some smaller expenses - some bills using the DLA money that comes in and CB. DLA is also used for some expenses relating to my daughter’s health condition including dietary issues and groups she attends.

I apologise if people have taken the idea that he doesn’t pay for anything and completely run with it! This simply isn’t true. The sticking point is the passports.

As for earnings, yes I know full well what he earns and can log on to the bank account if necessary. I don’t have a card though. I have always maintained a separate account with my own card.

Thank you for the practical advice.

Can you just clear it up then, does he earn enough that you don’t worry about money or are your finances tight. Either you genuinely can’t afford the passports or he doesn’t view you as an equal

Thank you for your snide response regarding foreign travel. It’s weird that you feel I shouldn’t be allowed to travel abroad if I don’t currently work outside the home. Does that extend to people with disabilities as well?

If we can afford to go on holiday in the UK, then I think we can afford a cheap flight/boat trip. I’m not suggesting exotic holidays abroad. I’m literally suggesting a day trip via the Eurotunnel. I am suggesting that I have some form of ID for once and that my daughter can go on a supported trip or my other child can go on a school trip across the pond, or that we visit family that live in Spain. But you seem to have decided that my kids and I don’t deserve this on the basis of arbitrary judgements you have made about my life and how I spend my time referring to my ‘life of luxury and energy for foreign travel’ and so on.

For your information, I have never been abroad with my children. I haven’t left the UK in over 20 years. I spend every hour god sends in a caring capacity which I never expected and have been unable to continue with my career nor utilize the retraining I put myself through whilst recovering from surgery and illness. I note that you also have completely ignored the fact that I have children with disabilities and that I have experienced some serious health complications that I had to be treated for over a long period of time which affected my career.

It's not just knowing what he earns, it's having full access to it.

You are an adult and you shouldn't need a man's permission to do something as basic as getting a passport.

If you genuinely can't work because of your responsibilities caring for HIS children, he needs to give you unrestricted access to all family income. If he isn't doing that, he is financially abusing you, whether he sees it that way or not.

if you want to go away fair enough,if he won’t give you the money,go do a part time job or evening job to help pay for the passports.you will also need spending money on top accommodation etc.I didn’t go abroad until I was 19 on my first away from parents abroad holiday.i had never been abroad until then.my mum couldn’t afford to take me.

Do you still have your old passport. You may be able to use it to renew rather than asking for a new passport. I don't think I have changed much in 20 years. If you have it ask the post office to look at it.

It's not the process of applying that is standing in her way, it's the cost. Her husband won't let her have the money.

Imagine needing permission from a man to spend £85.

We disagree on budgeting and how ‘tight’ our finances are basically. I think we can afford it. He doesn’t. He has always maintained it is an unnecessary expense even when he earned a third more than he does now and had a hefty nest egg. So in answer to your question we see obviously not as much of a team as I thought.

It’s not 85 quid because it is also for our children as well. It will be 210 I think.

But you should have equal access to the family money and money to spend on things you decide you can afford.

Yes its a fair amount of money

How often is money transferred over into your account and is it the same each month? Can you ask for more and say you want a running kitty of an excess £50 a month or something for spends, coffees/hair cuts/treats etc?

I get what you say about looking after your elderly relative, people talk as if its so easy to 'just get social services in'. It really isnt as simple as that, if the person is on a maximum care package it doesnt mean the next step is a care home at all, it just means that supplementary care or tasks or interventions or errands need to be done by family and friends. Paid carers are going to do visits, they're not going to sort out things like internet, online shopping, clothes shopping, emotional support, general chit chat, arguing with medics or other services about things that havent happened

Most carers have very limited time, go in, abruptly do their job and leave until they return a few hours later. People have no idea.

Because we discuss large purchases. He talks to me about and I talk to him about. No, I’m not afraid he’ll get angry or violent. He isn’t like that. He can be very stubborn.

Thank you for your advice. I do have an education and I do have training. I have no free childcare. There are no respite services available to us.

As for driving - I have spent a small fortune on learning to drive over the last 15 years and I am hopeless at it. We cannot afford to spend any more on it. I finally threw in the towel about 2 years ago and yes, I am sad about it and struggle with transport everyday but equally relieved as I genuinely struggle with being behind the wheel.

So, don’t do them all at once. Do them one by one?

Im not sure why people have repeatedly gone on about driving when OP has set out a number of times that she has chosen not to continue trying to learn to drive because she couldnt get on with it.

Because on MN, if you can’t drive, you are either lazy or entitled. The idea that some people find it hard/have disabilities/medical conditions that affect their driving ability is never considered.

Yes I’m happy to do that.

I think driving's over rated. I passed my test first time in 1989, but driving tests were easier then. I rarely drive. I drive when there's no alternative. Yet I'm independent. I walk, cycle and occasionally use public transport. Drivers are like people on Mumsnet - the nice ones stay silent/smile while the bullies use their horns. On Mumsnet nice people stay silent or respond sympathetically. Drivers are anonymous in their cars while Mumsnetters are anonymous behind their usernames and keypads. Being behind the wheel is no fun, so don't be sad. Your DH concerns me. Your situation doesn't sound healthy. You're his wife, not a child. It sounds as if he's destroying your self esteem.

These people criticising those who don't drive are probably those in other threads telling slower or hesitant drivers to get off the roads. Sometimes one just can't win.

So basically your word and opinion means nothing and you have no access to family money you just get chucked a few peanuts every month.

Have you ever stopped him from spending money on something after these discussions? Or does he only stop you? Because, as far as I can see, there’s a monumental power imbalance in your relationship. It’s all very well saying you both discuss large expenditure, but he controls almost all of the money and gives you a small allowance. Your life is being controlled by this man because he knows he can do it and there’s nothing you can do about it. You’re completely trapped because he holds the purse strings and you have kids with additional needs.

I also think he is most likely on spectrum and it can affect his decision making. He tends to be very logical and can lack empathy. He assumes we all think the way he does or doesn’t recognise how his choices affect the rest of us. Sometimes I point stuff out to him and he is aghast. He apologised and tries to change his behaviour or factor in what I’ve said. Case in point, It wouldn’t occur to him that his lack of interest in travelling far affects the kids and me and our life experiences. It needs to be spelling out to him.