To want my kids and I to have passports?

[Marzipanface]

My children and I don’t have passports. My husband does. He is the main breadwinner, I look after our two children who have some additional needs. As a result I do not work outside of the home. I simply don’t have the time due to caring commitments or the childcare and I’ve been out of the job market for a very long time due to a serious health condition. Thankfully I’ve recovered from it fingers crossed and then I became a SAHM to my two children. The plan was to go back to work when they were settled in school but life got in the way and now I have a teenager and a preteen who both have additional needs and some health issues and mainstream school never worked out for them both. I have no family support re: childcare or help.

As a result I have little economic to no economic independence from my DH. He has always been fairly reasonable about his salary and we consider it a joint income until it comes to big purchases, then he makes the decisions.

Two years ago my DH received a significant inheritance. The only thing I requested was could he please get me and the kids passports and could we try to take them in a trip to France or Spain. It doesn’t have to be exotic. I regularly have an issue with ID as I don’t drive and I would really like to take the kids abroad on holiday or on an educational short trip. He didn’t pay for them.

The kids are older now and regularly ask why we can’t go to another country or go on a plane/boat, and I have to explain that we don’t have passports.

I’ve had enough. I want a passport and I want to be able to take the kids somewhere. I also want to be able to go on a trip with friends on a city break instead of always having to make excuses. As usual my DH has demanded ‘why do we need them’ and told us he can’t afford them. He has now gone to bed in a piss because I’m having a ‘go again’ because my daughter is asking us for a passport and pointed out to me she is 15 and never been to another country.

He doesn’t care much for travelling despite having to do some for his work. He has told me yet again that I don’t need a passport. I’m fucking sick of it. AIBU?

Ok freedom of movement was a human right, having a passport is not

If it’s truly the case, OP, that he just has a blind spot about passports but isn’t controlling in other ways, then you need to sit him down and have a very frank discussion about the fact that this policy of his is wildly abnormal and is affecting his children‘s opportunities in life, as well as your own.

I’m concerned, though, that while you say you both consider all income as joint, you’re in a position where he transfers the bare minimum of money to you to cover necessary expenses, and there isn’t a spare £50 per month that would allow you to very quickly build up enough to pay for the passports. It’s also concerning that you keep saying you would have to agree a purchase of this size with him, and seem unaware that his really unreasonable stance would fully justify you going ahead and applying for your own passport. How would he react if you did this? Would he get upset/angry/aggressive? You’re allowing him to assume an authority over you that is in no way justified, just because he is bringing in the income.

These are honestly not the dynamics of a healthy or truly equal relationship. It’s very obvious you have legitimate reasons not to be in employment at the moment, but because of that it’s absolutely vital that you have truly equal access to the family money, which means a joint account rather than this drip-feed of housekeeping money he’s handing over each month.

You pay 2880 and govt pays the rest to 3600 . £2,880 pension contribution for anyone with low or no income) is a way to receive tax relief on pension contributions, as the allowance for pension contributions is £3,600, which, with basic-rate tax relief, only costs £2,880.

You can get a Citizen’s Card from the Post Ofice for around £20. It’s photo ID.

OP, whichever way you look at it you're being financially abused, no doubt about it,

Your husband has you right where he wants you, no job, no money to do as you please with, no driving lessons, no passports. That is no life.

You need to break free from his chains and get your life back.

But passports aren’t really that expensive. £100 for and adult and £60 for under 16s. You say he’s not financially abusive but you can’t scrape together that much out of what he gives you?

You just need to apply for one at a time then, a kid one is 70 so surely that's not a big purchase?

You could find some evening work, perhaps with youth groups or supermarket? or retrain into something else in the evenings

You can't keep yourself so reliant on him, I appreciate it's hard with childcare but you need your own income and other people to talk to

But OP also says that he wouldnt object to a 'pot' for fun things (not that a passport is particularly fun as such), perhaps they need other pots and account set up to dip into for things other than utilities and food etc.

It sounds like you would be eligible for Carer's Allowance if you applied, it's fairly straightforward if you have a child on DLA and no earned income. No need to provide details about DH's income as it's just based on your wages.
It's £83 a week so just 3 weeks of payments would cover the cost of all 3 passports. I would just make the application for CA online asap, it is quick and simple if you don't have any wage coming in and if the DLA has been awarded already. You have lost out on a lot of money unfortunately but the quicker you make an application, the quicker you can get that extra money as income.

I would also get advice from an impartial advice agency (not your family member who has effectively put you off claiming what you are entitled to) about maximising your other benefits and other income for your family. It sounds like you could be getting DLA for your other child, and perhaps PIP for yourself too. There is other financial help for families with disabled children (eg Short Breaks payments, charity funding, Access card, disabled bus pass). Are you in touch with your local parent carer forum, as they tend to know about what is available and it varies in each area. Most of these payments aren't means-tested and added together it would add up to at least as much as a pt wage.

I can’t believe that this is acceptable behaviour by a husband.

If you have two children with additional needs, please apply for DLA and carers allowance, payed into your own account. (without his knowledge and then leave this man).

Why are you asking? Is he your owner? You're married ffs! 50% of any money and assets are legally yours! If he doesn't share - It's financial abuse, entrapment, and very illegal.

Stop asking for anything and just take it. Order the passports. If you're afraid he will do something nasty because you've gone ahead and ordered them, then you shouldn't be with him.

Learn to drive, get yourself an education via the OU, local college, apprenticeship etc, find a job WFH, or part-time locally, learn to drive, utilise free childcare and local respite services to help with your teens, or a minder who specialises in additional needs , get a social worker to support you and the children. You are your only limitation.

Either stand up for yourself, or bin him and take 50% in divorce settlement. You deserve better.

Oh girl. Somehow, book and go to an appointment with the CAB. You need to know about benefits and lots of other things. I'd start by putting a pound a day into a jar or NS and I savings account. Get your daughter her passport. The long and short of it is your DH doesn't like to travel. Go without him. One life. What happens when the kids get to 18?

Everyone should have a passport!

There it is. He thinks it's unnecessary because it does not immediately benefit him. As far as he's concerned, you & the kids can get stuffed. You are effectively prisoners of his whims & wishes.

The DLA should not be paying for groceries/food shop unless it is specifically special food for the child. The household budget should include the food shop.

Other than that I would sell clothes on Vinted or EBay, you don’t get much but it’s easy now to send things off from most corner shops. It’s flexible, you do it from home, and you can do as much or as little as is comfortable for you.
You don’t even to print off the label these days. Small amounts of money do add up and it won’t take that long to have enough for the passports.

Sorry OP it's definately not the cost of the passport that's the problem as it would probably cost like £250 for all 3 of you.

Its probably more the fact that he doesnt want to go abroad with you all or have you asking when the next holiday is. Perhaps start by discussing your expectations of holidays first and see if he's on board with that. If he is not into it at all, say you'll do holidays without him no problem.

Please get those damn passports though... Whether you need to pay in a sly way or just tell him upfront 'I have used the credit card and ordered us passports'. I wouldn't be able to deal with that at all.

Just claim carers allowance as soon as possible and get the passports that way and you will also have a bit of extra money each week for yourself. That way more of the dla can be use for the children's need too. It doesn't matter what people say. You are entitle to carers allowance if your child is in at least middle rate care of dla, so claim it. It isn't like you don't need it. It is clear you need it. Be realistic.

Get a divorce who the hell would want yo stay married to someone like him.
You'll be free and far happier , he will have to pay for his children if you part ways.

For first passport, you need to have your photo countersign. You apply for passport at post office, or online of which is cheaper. It seems the OP doesn't have any ID, I presumed that the OP have to produce birth certificate and marriage certificate because of change of surname at marriage.

could the passports be part of the kids’ Christmas presents this year? I mean they shouldn’t be really, but maybe that might make him feel better about finances.

"He has always been fairly reasonable about his salary and we consider it a joint income until it comes to big purchases, then he makes the decisions."

What is he your dad? This is disgusting. I cannot believe the tone of acceptance you have written this with. It should be 50/50 on ALL financial decisions. I could not stand this lack of equality in a relationship.

I'm a SAHM and there is no way my husband would treat me like this. He never criticizes what I spend money on. Both of us spend money in the best interests of the family and allow reasonable indulgences for ourselves. If I thought getting passports was important, he would trust my judgment or respect that it's something I value.

Can he drive? I can't believe he doesn't want you to lean to drive, it's basically like depriving you of being able to read or write these days.

Would the OP need photo ID, of which they haven't got, to apply for evening and weekend work?

It does not feel even that finances are the main issue. It is his inability to see something from somebody else’s point of view and stubbornness. He doesn’t seem to even care about his children’s wants, especially the elder one.

Not letting his wife have a passport does feel controlling to me. It feels strangely infantilising and sexist, that you are not grown-up enough to deserve your own ID and only he needs it.

Your husband is an abuser hes abusingbyou financialy emotionally and hes using coercive control Time to get out You will qualify for Legal Aid as youre a victim of abuse

And obviously claiming child benefit protects your state pension. If you are not working and not claiming any benefits, then you won't be making any NI contributions which could impact your pension.