To want my kids and I to have passports?

[Marzipanface]

My children and I don’t have passports. My husband does. He is the main breadwinner, I look after our two children who have some additional needs. As a result I do not work outside of the home. I simply don’t have the time due to caring commitments or the childcare and I’ve been out of the job market for a very long time due to a serious health condition. Thankfully I’ve recovered from it fingers crossed and then I became a SAHM to my two children. The plan was to go back to work when they were settled in school but life got in the way and now I have a teenager and a preteen who both have additional needs and some health issues and mainstream school never worked out for them both. I have no family support re: childcare or help.

As a result I have little economic to no economic independence from my DH. He has always been fairly reasonable about his salary and we consider it a joint income until it comes to big purchases, then he makes the decisions.

Two years ago my DH received a significant inheritance. The only thing I requested was could he please get me and the kids passports and could we try to take them in a trip to France or Spain. It doesn’t have to be exotic. I regularly have an issue with ID as I don’t drive and I would really like to take the kids abroad on holiday or on an educational short trip. He didn’t pay for them.

The kids are older now and regularly ask why we can’t go to another country or go on a plane/boat, and I have to explain that we don’t have passports.

I’ve had enough. I want a passport and I want to be able to take the kids somewhere. I also want to be able to go on a trip with friends on a city break instead of always having to make excuses. As usual my DH has demanded ‘why do we need them’ and told us he can’t afford them. He has now gone to bed in a piss because I’m having a ‘go again’ because my daughter is asking us for a passport and pointed out to me she is 15 and never been to another country.

He doesn’t care much for travelling despite having to do some for his work. He has told me yet again that I don’t need a passport. I’m fucking sick of it. AIBU?

From reading the information on the CitizenCard website, you need an original photo ID to apply. The OP doesn't have any photo ID, therefore cannot apply for the CitizenCard. The CitizenCard seems to be more for proving your age, rather than your identity.

All UK Nationals can freely enter Republic of Ireland, Jersey, Guernsey and Isle of Man, under the Common Travel Area agreement. Just need to show photo ID for the travelling part of the journey.

I get that and he's wrong.
But is she really gunna say, we can never get a passport because he won't pay?
At some point she's just gunna have to do it despite him and deal with the real issue, marriage problems!
That's if she's interested in getting them

And then what? Spend another year saving enough money for the ferry, and another year for the hotel?

It’s not sustainable or fair. She needs a divorce.

Do you jointly own your home OP?

This sounds like prison to me OP! Can you get out there and work? Bet it will do wonders for your confidence even if it’s not an amazing job. You also wouldn’t be beholden to his whims.

Kindly, OP, this.

Just start organising the passports anyway. You don’t, shouldn’t need, his permission.

You’ve never been abroad as a family? That makes me rather sad…. He doesn’t have to go, but he shouldn’t be stopping you and the children.

Tricky. Good luck!

It is also an identity card accepted by various travel providers. You can use a referee rather than photo ID to satisfy their requirements. We had to do this for our baby and used their birth certificate as the official document.

"Never had a CitizenCard before? Use a digital check that will validate your photo ID document or your eVisa details, or provide a suitable referee to confirm your identity.

We can electronically verify your identity using an original photo ID showing your current name and recent likeness or through a digital eVisa Check that accesses UK Home Office immigration records. If neither is available, you'll need a referee."

Doesn't a baby still need a passport if travelling abroad?

Not heartless, just realistic. Ultimately, this is a scenario where paying all the bills, keeping a roof over everyone’s head etc, isn’t the OP’s problem. It’s the DH’s problem, and his alone. Perhaps the passports are a red herring and it’s the hefty expenditure of foreign holidays for a family of four that bothers him?

We don’t know how close to the wind their finances are.

Perhaps the OP should harness the energy she has for foreign travel by finding a job and helping out financially.

This is coercive control.

Yes, but not to the Channel Islands and so on where photo ID is sufficient. I used them with no problem on the Channel Islands ferry.

It's a bit of a faff when you don't have photo ID to apply as you have to print off the form from their website, get the referee to sign a copy of the birth certificate and physical photos and send them all in the post, but it's very doable and presumably the OP could get these for all 3 of them together with a total cost of £18. It's not a passport for sure but it might afford a bit more freedom at low cost. Plus a valid photo ID for the OP.

@Bonmot57 did you miss the bit were the DH struggles to care for the children? It just isn't always possible to find care for children who have additional and health needs. It would wipe out the OP's earnings. Her DH would then have to pitch in with housework, running the house and medical appointments, as well as actual childcare. The children would be unsettled and possibly distressed by the change. The OP working wouldn't benefit the family in any way. They go to center parks etc, it's cheaper to do a little European break.
OP look into carers alloance, it's £83.30 a week. If your child gets middle rate daily living component. Just claim, it can be backdated for three months. That'll pay for the passports.

You seem to continually overlook the part where I have childcare.

Yes they live in their own home and have carers visiting them everyday. There is a limit to what the carers will do and so the relative expects me to do the rest.

@Marzipanface

You are still avoiding answering the question that’s been asked multiple times. Do you actually know how much your husband makes and if so what is it?

The Channel Islands Jersey and Guernsey comes under the Common Travel Area agreement and that why you don't need a passport but just photo ID is sufficient enough, it's just needed for the airports and ports. Republic of Ireland and the Isle of Man also comes under the CTA agreement.

Hold up, your household expenses should come from the joint account, not your DLA. Food shopping needs to come from the joint account as its a family expense. Do you even have a bank card to use for shopping etc. That's why you have no 'me' money.

But, yes, this is about him not wanting to travel and thinking you'll leave him if you get more freedom. He might be able to stop you applying for the kids if two signatures are needed but he can't stop you applying for yours. Ditto when your kids need an adult passport.

There is another type of photo ID you can get but I can't remember the name. Have a Google.

This.

If the OP isn't able to work due to her childcare responsibilities then all of their joint income including her husband's entire salary and all the benefits they are collectively entitled to should be paid into a joint account and the OP should have full access to it.

She'd be better off getting divorced.

Exactly 👍🏻

Hi op, sounds like your H is in a fairly senior role. How much do you think he earns? If not know he earns? Has he ever been straight with you and transparent about finances?

do you have a joint account for bills and a place you can access family funds? Eg does his wage get paid into a family joint account that you have visibility and full access to?

with you not working, is he paying your NI contributions to enable you to claim your state pension? If you are unsure, you can check this on the Gov website.

what about your pension, i absolutely agree- you are majorly contributing here to the household etc but is he just prioritising himself in this regard?

you need ID so getting a drivers licence/passport is essential.

re driving lessons, how many have you had? I would continue these. I read something the other day which said the average young driver takes 44 hours of lessons to pass. I imagine being older might take you a bit longer. Dont give up, it will enable you and the kids much more freedom.

finally, i know you may not agree with this but reading what you’ve written IMO im sensing a very controlling and financially abusive H.

OP hasn't got any photo id.

OP, this sounds very tough! I do suspect your husband has some ND going on.

I’m a bit concerned though that what you described as your personal income get used for household expenses. That is not money for you, that is money for you to pay the bills and family expenses. Bills should come out of a joint account, but you should be able to have your own separate bit of money for things for you personally like yes haircuts, your clothes, your little bits of fun. I think a conversation to adjust how the finances are organised might be helpful, so that you do have your own little separate budget for you, like you would if you were able to earn your own income, and then pooling together money for bills and family expenses.

Obviously, yes, maybe the financial budget is tight for the family at the moment, but from what I gather it isn’t really just about this, it’s that he doesn’t see it as a financial priority because he doesn’t agree. Ultimately, he doesn’t have to agree that you need one, despite a fairly reasonable rationale that you seem to have provided, over and over again. It is a bit sad, that given all you do for the family, the he can’t agree to disagree and still ‘grant’ the purchase.

You don’t need his permission. I fully agree with the suggestions of save a little bit here and there to eventually get them. I would focus on your passport first, as that seems to have other functionality to it, and then do the children’s later on. It’s not such a big purchase if they’re done one at a time gradually overtime.

Also absolutely seek advice on any other financial support you’re entitled to that you can claim.

Once you get your passport, and the kids too, I hope you do get to enjoy them at some point!! Probably without your husband going with you!

Child benefit pay the OP NI contribution.

Do you have a loving relationship with your husband? Does he understand your needs and wishes like you understand his?
I think your husband is autistic and he is the gene carrier for your ND kids.
his (undiagnosed) autism is the reason why he is so adamant that passports are unnecessary. He is controlling you and your kids being able to go on holiday by claiming they are an unnecessary expense. he hates travelling and he expects everyone to feel and think the same as he does.

This absolutely

I would: save 5 pounds a week, look into the carers allowance and save that (do not tell him about this) , and see if I could get any job for a few hours on the weekend where your dh has the children. Tell him pay for passports then if he says he doesn’t want to. Let’s say you get min wage for 3 hours a week; £36 as you wouldn’t pay tax? £5 saved, £40 carers (no idea re rhis, I think it’s more like 80 but don’t know if people part qualify) then you save £80 a week. Maybe £70 if you have to spend a few quid. In 3 months you can line up and get passports :) next summer the ferry trip!
You say his strengths are earning money - that’s not really true as he doesn’t seem to earn that much.