Is this abuse or is he mentally unwell

[Deletingafter]

Me and DP have been together 7 years

Relationship has plod along and he seems to be quite dependant on me. Doesn’t do anything really around the house, doesn’t take me out really. I often pay for everything

The reason I ask is for years DP has had what I think are delusions? Every argument is my fault and I have to resolve it and apologise.

For example - He is a nasty person when he’s drunk, will ignore me all night, stay out without telling me or come home and just verbally abuse me or start an argument. For this reason my anxiety is through the roof if he’s had a drink. He will stay out all night then shout at me in the morning for being annoyed that he doesn’t contact me or even let me know he’s staying out. I will then have to apologise and he will call me controlling.

Another example - I had a laparoscopy for endometriosis recently as I’m struggling. The anaesthetic put me out for almost a week and I felt so run down and tired, also severe menstrual cramps. I hadn’t done any washing in 3 days. DP claims he doesn’t know how to use the washer. He then screams at me that I’m lazy and a tramp and once again I apologise and do the jobs.

He will clean up once every month, then like clockwork will shout at me and call me names because he “is sick of cleaning and cleaning the whole fucking house whilst I’m sat on my arse” once again - I’m lazy and a tramp. I again apologise.

I want to leave the relationship anyway, he calls me names and isn’t attentive or nice in any way except when he wants sex. Which I no longer want to do with him because he is so unkind to me.

It’s frying my brain, I don’t know whether I’m allowed to be angry, whether I’m unreasonable for being angry or whether I am actually controlling or if he’s mentally ill. He truly seems to believe these delusions that every single issue is caused by me.

I am confused.

I was you,.living a very similar life. I thought it was my fault and questioned myself. Then, finally, after I had counselling, I asked him to leave.
Now I feel like myself again. I spent 25 years being told I was stupid, controlling, nagging etc.
Leave and be free, it's amazing x

I was you,.living a very similar life. I thought it was my fault and questioned myself. Then, finally, after I had counselling, I asked him to leave.
Now I feel like myself again. I spent 25 years being told I was stupid, controlling, nagging etc.
Leave and be free, it's amazing x

OP, he may well believe that it's laziness that stops you, post op, leaping up off the sofa and washing all his clothes. But does it matter what he believes? He knows that if he's unpleasant enough to you, you will comply with his wishes to keep the peace, so he keeps on doing it. He has no interest in your relationship, he has no interest in you, your health or your happiness. He just wants everything to go his way, and he will berate you until this happens.

This isn't how relationships are supposed to be. Trust me on that. You need to get away from him and then you will start to understand how badly you've been treated.

Just leave him. He’s an abusive wanker either way.

As the house is rented, and you are the one paying for everything, I suggest that instead of trying to get him to leave, you just leave. It will be simpler and safer.
Think of it as making a whole new life for yourself. You don't want to stay in a place with so many miserable memories.

Are you particularly attached to any of the furniture for sentimental reasons? If not, great. If there is anything you want to keep, ask a friend or family member to look after it, or hire one of those storage units. Tell him you have sent it for repair or re-painting, or make up some other story.

Then pack up your personal belongings, and move out. To an Air BnB if you can't find a new place straight away.
Do it in secret, don't tell him in advance, and don't tell him where you have gone for your own safety. Send one text to say it is over, then block him on all forms of communication.
Phone the landlord and give notice to take your name off the tenancy. You will probably have to wave goodbye to your deposit, but it will be worth it to be free.

Then phone the utilities (gas, electric, TV licence, etc) and the council tax office, and likewise get your name taken off everything (collect account numbers, phone contacts etc. before you leave, and read the meters).

You may have to temporarily go into debt - put stuff on a credit card for a few months until you get sorted. After a while, you will be surprised how much further your money goes without him leeching off you.

He's abusive and probably a narcissist. Read a book called 'it's not you.' I hope you leave him

Why on earth are you putting up with this shit??!!

Hi, this sounds abusive OP. It may be abuse caused by mental illness but it is still abuse. Look after yourself first.

He isn't ill, he's a nasty bastard. Best medicine for him, your rapid departure to a much nicer life.

That is definitely abuse. People in a healthy relationship don't tell each other they are lazy, call each other names or scream.

I mean, if one of these things happened once in a blue moon, I might not think too much, especially if the perpetrator apologised sincerely. This sounds like a regular pattern of communication and is therefore abuse.

Oh and insisting that you apologise is a classic abuser tactic.

OP, please contact Women's Aid and ideally also your GP. Both were very supportive of me. Also there could be local domestic abuse organisations which your GP would know about .

One more thing, OP. If you can, read the book 'Living with the Dominator' it is a quick easy read and will really give you clarity that what you are dealing with is indeed abuse.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Living-Dominator-About-Freedom-Programme/dp/0955882702/ref=mpssa111?crid=2SYVRE8B0RUU6&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.1LJP8ue51yMTjBmChyu51Q7Jpuus-SqVA4RLkooSw6ln-lLkzX-bTDNBOP7MUoQd.ThnyqhY1cLgMvGai5pEuqQUZjhRUT94RGTFQkZdRyn0&dib_tag=se&keywords=living+with+the+dominator&qid=1753718176&sprefix=living+witb+the%2Caps%2C68&sr=8-1

Well yeah, perhaps he does "truly believe" that women are put on earth to be the slaves of men. But do you want to be with a man who believes that?

Even if he weren't abusive (he is, obviously), if you want to end a relationship, you're allowed to. You're allowed to feel whatever you feel. You're allowed to leave a situation that makes you miserable. Leave. Stop worrying about what he thinks and decide what you think. Do you think this is what you deserve? Ditch this waste of space, and don't worry about what he believes or what he does, ever again. Not your problem.