Is this abuse or is he mentally unwell

[Deletingafter]

Me and DP have been together 7 years

Relationship has plod along and he seems to be quite dependant on me. Doesn’t do anything really around the house, doesn’t take me out really. I often pay for everything

The reason I ask is for years DP has had what I think are delusions? Every argument is my fault and I have to resolve it and apologise.

For example - He is a nasty person when he’s drunk, will ignore me all night, stay out without telling me or come home and just verbally abuse me or start an argument. For this reason my anxiety is through the roof if he’s had a drink. He will stay out all night then shout at me in the morning for being annoyed that he doesn’t contact me or even let me know he’s staying out. I will then have to apologise and he will call me controlling.

Another example - I had a laparoscopy for endometriosis recently as I’m struggling. The anaesthetic put me out for almost a week and I felt so run down and tired, also severe menstrual cramps. I hadn’t done any washing in 3 days. DP claims he doesn’t know how to use the washer. He then screams at me that I’m lazy and a tramp and once again I apologise and do the jobs.

He will clean up once every month, then like clockwork will shout at me and call me names because he “is sick of cleaning and cleaning the whole fucking house whilst I’m sat on my arse” once again - I’m lazy and a tramp. I again apologise.

I want to leave the relationship anyway, he calls me names and isn’t attentive or nice in any way except when he wants sex. Which I no longer want to do with him because he is so unkind to me.

It’s frying my brain, I don’t know whether I’m allowed to be angry, whether I’m unreasonable for being angry or whether I am actually controlling or if he’s mentally ill. He truly seems to believe these delusions that every single issue is caused by me.

I am confused.

Sorry that last sentence came out wrong. Im feeling your intense sadness and numbness and like you have admitted defeat in life. Please dont. You are only 27! Things can only get better!

Who cares what’s wrong with him, this is LTB territory whatever his damn problem is.

Please find the strength to walk away. He is going to get worse, hell has no bottom living like this.
You must feel so upset and confused. You won't see how heartbreaking your post is, while you are in the situation.
Your situation is probably my worst nightmare for my DD.
Mental abuse is horrendous on the victim.

Do you have any money? A safe place to go for a short while, hopefully rent a room.
I'd rather live on a tent than live with a highly aggressive, abusive, persecutor.
You need a safe place to go. 💐

Ultimately, it doesn't really matter whether he truly believes the crap he's coming out with about you. What matters is -
This is YOUR LIFE
You deserve to be happy
No-one deserves to be treated like that.

Take the first step towards ending the relationship, phone Women's Aid. You don't need to leave your house. He can move out and start paying his own way for a change, it won't be your problem any more.

I’ve read your responses and you're doing a good job of avoiding posts that tell you to run for your life and continue to go on and on about if he has a mental illness or rant over and over about what he is doing.

It comes across like you’re deflecting and will do nothing about it once you’re done ranting which is unfortunate.

I do hope you have the strength to leave but I’ve seen it so many times where women will find a way to rationalize staying, for you it’s probably a false assumption that since it’s a mental issue you may be able to get him help and change him but no you can’t change him.

And even if you did get him to change I wouldn’t want anything to do with his family who sound like a bunch of horrible drunk enablers.

I will say it once again start working on your exit plan and stop trying to justify or explain why he is such an abusive piece of shit. And whilst you’re at it get some therapy to figure out why you will lower yourself to accept such a degree of abuse and control from an abusive drunk useless man.

Go easy @SpryUmberZebra
I don't disagree with anything you say about him, but OP can't be expected to completely change her approach and personality over the course of a short post on this forum. She's been worn down and treated like shit by him for most of her adult life, and she says above that this is basically the first time she's felt that she wants to break the cycle and feels differently. That's huge.
Let's not pretend it's as easy as LTB when you have had one constant in your adult life, have lost friends etc.

Having said all that OP, it will be worth the pain and effort, a hundred times over. Think back to that missed opportunity you mentioned when you nearly split years ago. You don't need to miss that opportunity again, you can make up for the regret. You're still so young!

You've become a door mat and I'm afraid after all this you will not leave him as you're too used to him and have accepted him for what he is. Break yourself free from this vicious cycle and leave him, everything you have said about him indicates how abusive he is and how you've let him carry on, no wonder he never changes it's you who needs to change and put a stop to it and refuse to be treated like this. Thing is I got a feeling you won't

You don’t know what you want, so I’m going to tell you what you need. You need to tell him to leave and never come back. There is no cure, or help for his behaviour. You need to end this relationship today. It’s not healthy, and it won’t ever get any better.

Totally agree with this

I asked the police exactly the same question.

Their response was does he behave his way with everyone, or just you?

I'm guessing I know the answer.

I tried to justify him, I was home the most so obviously I got it in the neck the most etc.

No was the police's response. He has control, he chooses to behave this way, despite knowing the impact it has.

You wouldn't treat him this way I am sure.

Leave him, even if it is hard, as this behaviour gets worse & can take a lifetime to recover from.

Good luck.

This is clear cut abuse and the reasons are totally irrelevant. Even if it was mental illness - and it's not - it's not your job to let a man, or any other human, shit on you for any reason.

He’s conditioned you to accept the blame for his own shitty hideous behaviour. He isn’t your partner. You deserve so much better than this sad disrespectful loser. Fuck him off to the far end of FarTheFuckAway and see how your quality of life is sooooo much better.

The first thing is, you cannot fix someone. The second thing is, you cannot fix someone. The third thing is, abusers choose what they do. He doesn't behave like this with anyone else which means he has control over his behaviour so he actively chooses to abuse you. Let that sink in. His enjoyment of the power and control he has over you overrides your feelings, autonomy and wellbeing.

Someone who does that doesn't really love you. Get out of this relationship and have some excellent therapy to find out why you have got into such an unhealthy relationship.

@Deletingafter i can only imagine how overwhelmed you feel right now. You must have at least had an inkling that something is wrong with this relationship to write your post. I doubt you thought everyone would pile on and say he is abusive, gaslighting, leave him etc.
please take some time to think over your next move and get a plan in place. If he is out of the house you have time and space to think. Lots of people saying LTB, but it will feel so hard to even know where to start with that. You have taken the first step posting here, but you must continue to be strong and put things in place to end this relationship. It isn’t healthy for you. At 27 you are so young and you have obviously been around him for a long time. . It Sounds To me from your posts that he has broken your spirit and you now believe this is normal or that he is unwell to behave like this. Please believe me that this is not a normal relationship or how a man who loves you will treat you.

FFS you should've left him long ago. What are you even doing there? What do you expect to happen if you keep putting up with this bullshit? He's going to magically morphe into a decent human being that will thank you for all the years of crap you put up with?!
After you dump him (and you obviously OBVIOUSLY need to let this POS go!!) you need some time being single and working on yourself and your self esteem. You have no business being in a relationship if you aren't ready to expect respect and decency from a partner.

So he's out of the house at the moment? Tell him he's not coming back. Ring Women's Aid for advice. Let your landlord know he is abusive and you have told him to leave. Womens Aid will help you to negotiate that situation. I recommend the Freedom . The only way he will change is he will get worse
Stop going round in circles - even your posts here are doing that.

My daughter is the same age as you. I would be heartbroken if she was going through this.
You are still so young, yet so worn down that you've become numb to this.

It's great that you have written it all down here. But please take the advice you have been given. He will NEVER change and YOU deserve to be happy.

In a few years you will be heading in to your thirties!! Make those years about you and don't waste anymore time on someone who doesn't care about you.

PTSD would not make him selectively nasty to you.

And the fact "a mask slips" means its on purpose, he can control himself in front of witnesses.

Don't make excuses. He had a hard childhood, and he may have emotional baggage, mental health issues because of it but hes responsible for his behavoiur

Freedom Programme, thar should say.

If he can’t go out without coming back sober knowing how much his behaviour upsets you, he’s most definitely an addict. The laid back attitude about coke in the UK normalises it but it doesn’t make people less addicted to it. It’s not normal to top off a night out with coke.

And even if for whatever reason he isn’t, he’s abusing you, both mentally and financially.

First poster nailed it. The reasons don’t matter, the relationship is causing you misery, stress and anxiety so you need to move on because it’s not working for you.

You can save him or help him. Time to move on op

When is the tenancy up?

The reason I ask re mental illness is my partner has endured a lot of childhood trauma.

Hi, Deletingafter I know it's very difficult to read these posts. And I would.imagine some of them make you feel quite anxious and feel unhelpful. Particularly the ones telling you to leave. They're not intended to do that but people are just shocked by what they are reading and are really trying to help you understand the need for you to end this

I'm going to come at it from a slightly different angle.

I also experienced childhood trauma. I've had therapy for it for years. I'm not abusive. I'll admit that, when I was younger (in my 20s) when I didn't understand about trauma and didn't understand myself, I'm not proud of the fact that I wasn't a very healthy person to be in a relationship with and wasn't capable of having healthy relationships (but for different reasons to you boyfriend). I still struggle now. I'm sure I could probably have been described as 'emotionally abusive' on occasion. I didn't mean to be - I was just trying to protect myself in the only way I knew how. But the impact on those people was no different.

I stayed single for a very long time partly because I realised this and it was my responsibility to manage how I reacted and responded to situations. It was not anyone else's responsibility to fix me. It was mine.

And the same is true of your boyfriend.

I'll tell you two things that were said to me that really helped.

My mum was abusive. My ex husband used to ask me, "What does she bring to your life? She's not a positive in your life. She's not even a neutral. She's a negative. She actively makes your life worse." I used to tell him she couldn't help it (never diagnosed but she obviously had some significant unmanaged/unmet MH needs). And spent years of my life trying to understand her and making allowances for her. I was so mired in it that I couldn't see the wood for the trees. I couldn't see the long term damage I was doing to myself by allowing her to continue behaving this way towards me. Oh, and she was always lovely to other people. The masked only slipped within the close family.

One day, he said, "If you stepped into a lion enclosure. The lion would eat you. It's not because it's evil or hates you. It's just doing what is natural. But understanding that won't stop you from being eaten. So you'd never step into a lion enclosure."

And he was right. It didn't matter whether my mother intended to be abusive towards me or whether she couldn't help it due to mental illness. The impact on me was no different.

I became friends with a woman about 5 years ago. After a couple of years, we realised our mum's were friends when I saw my mum comment on a fb post she'd tagged her mum in! This friend knew some of my history with my mum but the woman her mum is friends with appears to be a completely different person to the one who raised me. Of course, I know her well enough to know the other side.

You won't be able to get help for him because he needs to do that himself. Until and unless he sees a problem with the way he is behaving, it wouldn't work because, in his eyes, the problem isn't him. I pleaded with my mum to 'get help' so that we could have a proper mother amd daughter relationship but she repeatedly told me that there was nothing wrong with her and it was everyone else around her.. And she genuinely believed that. But it wasn't true.

Anyway, I eventually had to go no contact with her because it got worse and I was eventually at risk of losing my children because of her behaviour and distorted beliefs.

You don't owe him a relationship. It being mental health won't lessen the negative impact on you. It isn't your responsibility to fix him and you can't. Don't confuse feelings of compassion for love. You are a person in your own right and deserve a happy life for yourself.

Another wise friend said to me, it doesn't matter if someone intends to be abusive or not if abuse is what you experience.

So, it really doesn't matter whether he's abusive due to mental illness or is abusive through choice. The impact on you is the same.

My eldest is the same age as you. It would break my heart for them to be in your situation.

I hope you find your way out of this.