Is this abuse or is he mentally unwell

[Deletingafter]

Me and DP have been together 7 years

Relationship has plod along and he seems to be quite dependant on me. Doesn’t do anything really around the house, doesn’t take me out really. I often pay for everything

The reason I ask is for years DP has had what I think are delusions? Every argument is my fault and I have to resolve it and apologise.

For example - He is a nasty person when he’s drunk, will ignore me all night, stay out without telling me or come home and just verbally abuse me or start an argument. For this reason my anxiety is through the roof if he’s had a drink. He will stay out all night then shout at me in the morning for being annoyed that he doesn’t contact me or even let me know he’s staying out. I will then have to apologise and he will call me controlling.

Another example - I had a laparoscopy for endometriosis recently as I’m struggling. The anaesthetic put me out for almost a week and I felt so run down and tired, also severe menstrual cramps. I hadn’t done any washing in 3 days. DP claims he doesn’t know how to use the washer. He then screams at me that I’m lazy and a tramp and once again I apologise and do the jobs.

He will clean up once every month, then like clockwork will shout at me and call me names because he “is sick of cleaning and cleaning the whole fucking house whilst I’m sat on my arse” once again - I’m lazy and a tramp. I again apologise.

I want to leave the relationship anyway, he calls me names and isn’t attentive or nice in any way except when he wants sex. Which I no longer want to do with him because he is so unkind to me.

It’s frying my brain, I don’t know whether I’m allowed to be angry, whether I’m unreasonable for being angry or whether I am actually controlling or if he’s mentally ill. He truly seems to believe these delusions that every single issue is caused by me.

I am confused.

OP, it doesn’t matter why he behaves the way he does, or whether he believes the awful things he says. Those are not your puzzles to solve. Your ONLY responsibility is towards yourself.

You are responsible for making decisions that will result in a happy, peaceful life for you.

That’s it. His problems, his drug use, his behaviour, his habit of pissing on the carpet in his own home, the way he chooses to treat people, are his problems to solve, not yours.

The only problem you need to solve is how to get from where you are now, to a peaceful life for you that doesn’t involve someone who likes to piss on carpets.

This could be written by my DD OP. But she’s younger than you. You say you can’t go to your family because they are fed up with how it affects them. I’m sure if you want to leave, they will help you break this cycle. He won’t change and you need to get yourself to a place where he cant manipulate you. That house isn’t it.

You know this is abusive don't you? And his family are enabling it. If it's your house chuck him out. If not leave.

You're so young at 27, you have your whole life ahead of you. Do not waste any more time on this loser. He is never going to change. He is taking you for a mug, he clearly doesn't want to be with you. He is using you to fund him.
Sorry if that sounds harsh but this is not a relationship. No amount of past trauma would excuse his behaviour. Get out and get out quickly. Speak to your landlord and give notice that you are going to leave him and end the tenancy and make plans to leave asap. And completely cut ties with this man and his family. Do not waste any more of your life on him.

Do you have family you could stay with? Can you rent a room in a house? Get far away and stay far away and block him and all contact with him.

Even if he's mentally ill you don't have to stick around. No one should treat you that way.

Is he older than you OP? You say you’ve been with him since you were 19/20

You say he’s dependent on you by choice. He’s not, the only choice he’s made is to treat you like dirt, & manipulate you so cruelly that you run to him to apologise.

Don’t wait, you don’t need to read anymore books or take anymore advice. Make him, his revolting friends & family your past.

I think he actually hates you. Please end things. You pay for everything yourself anyway.

Why are you with him? Get yourself a good man..best wishes.

Nailed it.

He’s just a horrible abusive person. Who cares if he is mentally unwell on top of this - it’s the same outcome for you!

Prepare to leave and do it. He will destroy your life. That’s their sole aim - there is no reasoning with them, pleading, hoping they change. They are destructive bastards who look for victims who will please, submit and get walked on. Don’t look back OP!

Doesn't matter if he's mentally ill or just an abusive prick - or both. It's not your problem and you will never, ever change him. Things won't get better but I can assure you they will get much, much worse. You are only 27 years old, you've got your whole life ahead of you. Is this what you want? To be treated like piece of worthless shit. Is that how you see yourself? How will you feel at 47 when you wake up and realise you've wasted your best years of your life? Leave now before it's too late.

PTSD doesn't cause people to act like this. He's just abusive and he's never going to change.
Even if it was a mental illness causing it, do you actually think he would agree to go to the doctor and ask for help?

OP, you're 27 and that is so young. But you won't be 27 forever. You've already lost 7 years to this man. Don't lose another 7.

What value does this man bring to your life?

This, time and time again

The only way to understand how bad this is as I said before. Pack a bag. Go home to family, turn phone off sleep, eat, heal. Talk and weep to the people who love you.

You have to be on the outside looking in.

Just dump this abusive drug taking and alcohlic loser, he brings nothing good to your life, he doesn't care, don't waste any more energy trying to work him out. Can you leave and find somewhere safe to live.

Yes I think they do. But at the end of the day you can't fix this, you have to say to him I cannot live like this, you're pulling me down with you. Please leave. He is an adult, he has to take some responsibility for his own mental health. I am sure you have offered to help and he has refused.

This is very true. I only realised how bad my alcoholic abusive ex was when I went and stayed with my parents. I suddenly remembered that not everyone was so horrible to their partner or indeed to me! Somehow I had forgotten.

OP, I'm a mental health nurse. These are not delusions. He is an abuser. Get yourself out of there. He's just a horrible person.

Please leave. Seek some support from woman’s aid first. My suggestions would be to get everything important out of your house before you tell him. Take your stuff to friends and family. Example- old photos, passport, financial paperwork and any keepsakes.

Email your landlord and explain you’re in an abusive relationship (because you are!) and you need to end the tenancy asap. People are more understanding than you think, so please be honest. You never know they may be very happy to relist your property at a higher rate!

Tell your family what you’re doing and line up some support for yourself- preferable males - who can help you remove the rest of your stuff

Look at staying with family or friends in the short term. Once you’re calmer, you can get your own place or share with friends etc.

Finally look after yourself. You will have been living in fight or flight for so long you might find you crash when you reach safety. Ask people for help. Get counselling. Y

You can do this!

Well done @Muffinmam !!! I was on your other thread. Are you enjoying life without this utter demon?

You’re being abused. It will not get better. Do you want to live the rest of your life like this?
Make your escape plan now and look forward to a new peaceful and happy future.

Please please leave. Or throw him out. He may have mental health issues but it’s of no relevance. He is abusive and he doesn’t like you. I’m not surprised your family hate him and I can see why they must feel frustrated that you stay with him.
Have you any other issues such as MH issues or addictions etc. It can make it harder to leave someone if you have other things going on?
If possible I’d speak to Woman’s Aid or Refuse or one of the other charities that deal with domestic abuse.

Good luck.