Is this abuse or is he mentally unwell

[Deletingafter]

Me and DP have been together 7 years

Relationship has plod along and he seems to be quite dependant on me. Doesn’t do anything really around the house, doesn’t take me out really. I often pay for everything

The reason I ask is for years DP has had what I think are delusions? Every argument is my fault and I have to resolve it and apologise.

For example - He is a nasty person when he’s drunk, will ignore me all night, stay out without telling me or come home and just verbally abuse me or start an argument. For this reason my anxiety is through the roof if he’s had a drink. He will stay out all night then shout at me in the morning for being annoyed that he doesn’t contact me or even let me know he’s staying out. I will then have to apologise and he will call me controlling.

Another example - I had a laparoscopy for endometriosis recently as I’m struggling. The anaesthetic put me out for almost a week and I felt so run down and tired, also severe menstrual cramps. I hadn’t done any washing in 3 days. DP claims he doesn’t know how to use the washer. He then screams at me that I’m lazy and a tramp and once again I apologise and do the jobs.

He will clean up once every month, then like clockwork will shout at me and call me names because he “is sick of cleaning and cleaning the whole fucking house whilst I’m sat on my arse” once again - I’m lazy and a tramp. I again apologise.

I want to leave the relationship anyway, he calls me names and isn’t attentive or nice in any way except when he wants sex. Which I no longer want to do with him because he is so unkind to me.

It’s frying my brain, I don’t know whether I’m allowed to be angry, whether I’m unreasonable for being angry or whether I am actually controlling or if he’s mentally ill. He truly seems to believe these delusions that every single issue is caused by me.

I am confused.

You need to eave OP

get a smaller place just you it will be cheaper and get your name off tenancy

you are paying to stay in this abuse

get out

Oh OP. It's human nature to want to know the 'why' but you never will. All you will know are th3 facts which is that he is highly abusive to you. Plenty of people have childhood trauma and aren't abusive. Plenty of people have lovely childhoods and are abusive. So even if he has mental health issues it may not be the cause. Either way I've never heard of anyone be this abusive and then get treatment to get over it.

If you finish it be prepared for him to promise to change, beg for one last chance etc and then recert back to his vile self after a couple of weeks. Either that or turn really nasty

why even bother to work out if it’s abuse or illness tbh it doesn’t matter this is no way to live you need to move on

OP, he is a vile abusive person and he only stays with you because you let him get away with it. Please, please start loving yourself, and leave him. Anything else you need to do to improve your life can come after that. The most important thing is to release yourself from your abuser, and don’t let him back into your life.

He isn't mentally ill he is just a misogynistic prick and you can do a lot better. You do not need to live like this.

You need to leave him and concentrate on finding yourself again, not getting him help.

he won’t change.

You deserve peace. If as he says you are that bad, he won't miss you when you are relaxing peacefully in your new home will he? Asshole

You do not need to validate why you want to leave any relationship. You can just leave.

@Deletingafter what do you want in life for yourself? This is no life! You don’t have friends that’s fine but then to come home to abuse every day, what are you getting from being abused. You can’t possibly love this man?

Get out while you’re young and make a life for yourself, you’ve got one life and at 27 and at any age you’ve got so much to find and enjoy.

Give notice to you landlord find another rental within your means and move out. Don’t tell him your new address and change your phone number. Make your life, stay back for work drinks to see if you like that, visit your family, develop walking or another hobby that you can have time for yourself. You’ll be fine doing anything, all of that beats the daily abuse surely?

“He’s unwell” “he’s an alcohol” “ he’s a drug addict” “he had a bad childhood”

all bullshit EXCUSES (not reasons- excuses)

he is abusive. He won’t change. You need to leave. I’m glad that you aren’t relying on him financially.

please do the freedom programme- you can do it online if you want to.

Leave him, he’s a horrible man and you can do so much better.

As others have said, it really does not matter why this is happening. You've said you want to leave so can you list out here what is stopping you from doing so, then we can help you remove those roadblocks?

If you wait for his permission to put yourself first it will never come. You do not need anyone's permission to prioritise your own wellbeing, as much as we as women are conditioned to keep sweet and avoid confrontation. Rip that plaster off and yes you will be a bit in the unknown but if you push through I promise it will get better.

He’s 100% abusive to you, & that’s all that matters. You can’t change or help him, he’s a horror show & he’s ruining your life.

No need for a big discussion or argument, just quietly make arrangements to get yourself out.

Think about how you envisaged a relationship when you were young? Was it with a vile drunken creep like this? You’re not his saviour: eventually he’ll destroy you.

he has destroyed your self confidence. Leave him and block his number. Let him go back to his share house or his mother or whoever. Once you are on your own you will be able to make friends and have a social life.

Please don’t waste anymore of your life with this abuser. He’s absolutely vile.
What practical advise do you need right now to help you to leave?

When I finally called the police on my partner I told the police that his behaviour was likely to be due to his mental health. The cop told me that domestic violence usually is. It was the first time anyone ever told me that his behaviour was domestic violence.

Your relationship is abusive. You can’t help him. If you’re working and paying for him then there is no reason for you to stay with him. Financially you can afford to support yourself.

Be very careful when you leave him. Don’t tell him. Don’t give him an opportunity to hurt you. You do everything in secret and get out while he’s away from the house. If it’s your house then get a restraining order and turf him out.

I am listening to all the advice and I’m trying to process things in my mind. I’ve been awake for hours looking at emotional abuse, reading all sorts.

It’s dawned on me that he is so dependent on me by choice, because then if I do or don’t do something, he can blame me and shout at me.

I am ready to leave, but I know it will take time. This is all I’ve known since I was 19/20. This has been my normal

If your partner was having delusions, they're very convenient ones that leave him thinking he's always in the right and you're always in the wrong.

FFS, stop apologising when he tells you he's dumping you, say "Fine, I'll pack your things up, when are you going to collect them?". However, unless he leaves willingly, you are going to have to give your landlord notice that you won't be on the joint tenancy any more, and you need to look for your own place ASAP.

Stop looking for reasons not to end it.

I usually think Mumsnet is too trigger happy with LTB, but not this time. Do you still want to be living like this in ten years' time?

You can't help him. Nobody can help him. He has to choose to get help and accept that help himself. Leave or kick him out depending on whose house/flat it is. Do it (or at least begin the process) NOW.

It will only take as much time as you let it.

You can end it today. Your life will improve immediately. His life is his problem, not yours.

If you wait for the day when you wake up thinking, "Today is the day it feels right to end it," that won't ever come. In fact, the longer you stay, the longer you'll have been entrenched in this and the harder it will be to leave and then you'll have even more years to look back on saying, "This is all I've known since I was 19/20."

The biggest thing that keeps women trapped in relationships is finances. You're already paying for everything so this doesn't apply to you.

The sooner you end it, the sooner you can start healing and the sooner you can crack on with creating the life you want.

You will likely benefit from therapy yourself after this experience so you need to allow yourself time to do that.

Your life will begin whenever you decide you want it to. You're obviously not going to do it today so I'd be thinking, by September, he'll be gone. That way, I go into autumn, winter, Christmas making my own life for me and am ready to hit the ground running with my new life in 2026. Spend the next few weeks making plans for your new life. Stop researching emotional abuse and start researching hobbies, interests and things you want for yourself.

Get busy living, OP, or get busy dying (ie sacrificing your own life and happiness to this man). The choice is yours.

Nobody can help you if you won't accept what is in front of you.
You know this behaviour is not rational or reasonable.
You know you are being used as a cash cow and a domestic slave.
Why should he stop it when you accept the abuse all the time and does exactly what he wants?
Stop making excuses for him and start looking at what you can do to stop being his doormat and punching bag.
Move out! Cut him off! Go cold turkey and get a life whilst you are young enough to do so.

How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one but the lightbulb has to really want to change.

--

Gently, it's an abusive relationship and it's colouring every part of how you see yourself. He won't change unless he wants to change, and he doesn't want to change. There is nothing on this earth that you can do to make him change. The only thing you can change is your life.

Women's Aid would be a good place to start. 'AIBU' can be a tough crowd; you might find it useful to start a separate thread in the 'Relationships' board called 'How do I leave my abusive partner' and you'll get loads of practical and emotional support about the next steps.

Contact the landlord, ask for him to be taken off the tenancy because of his abuse of you.
Ring Women's aid for advice too.

27? What a waste of a life.
Do not inflict this user loser ever on a child.

He's a druggy, tell you landlord the truth.