Is this abuse or is he mentally unwell

[Deletingafter]

Me and DP have been together 7 years

Relationship has plod along and he seems to be quite dependant on me. Doesn’t do anything really around the house, doesn’t take me out really. I often pay for everything

The reason I ask is for years DP has had what I think are delusions? Every argument is my fault and I have to resolve it and apologise.

For example - He is a nasty person when he’s drunk, will ignore me all night, stay out without telling me or come home and just verbally abuse me or start an argument. For this reason my anxiety is through the roof if he’s had a drink. He will stay out all night then shout at me in the morning for being annoyed that he doesn’t contact me or even let me know he’s staying out. I will then have to apologise and he will call me controlling.

Another example - I had a laparoscopy for endometriosis recently as I’m struggling. The anaesthetic put me out for almost a week and I felt so run down and tired, also severe menstrual cramps. I hadn’t done any washing in 3 days. DP claims he doesn’t know how to use the washer. He then screams at me that I’m lazy and a tramp and once again I apologise and do the jobs.

He will clean up once every month, then like clockwork will shout at me and call me names because he “is sick of cleaning and cleaning the whole fucking house whilst I’m sat on my arse” once again - I’m lazy and a tramp. I again apologise.

I want to leave the relationship anyway, he calls me names and isn’t attentive or nice in any way except when he wants sex. Which I no longer want to do with him because he is so unkind to me.

It’s frying my brain, I don’t know whether I’m allowed to be angry, whether I’m unreasonable for being angry or whether I am actually controlling or if he’s mentally ill. He truly seems to believe these delusions that every single issue is caused by me.

I am confused.

The reason I ask re mental illness is my partner has endured a lot of childhood trauma. Addict parents, family members didn’t step in to help, other siblings taken in to care.

I wondered maybe could this sort of behaviour arise from PTSD or something.
He is so nice to these family members, but not me. It’s like he has to mask all the time as a nice person then unleashes all his nasty shit on to me.

It is real, unfortunately, it is my life.

Please look up co-dependent. You think that you can help him. But you can’t. I promise. I have been there You need to let him be the adult and stop blaming you. Really- think of yourself. You must respect yourself and get out of this.

You may have a natural inclination to be a fixer, I know I did. What is your own family background. But believe me if he can be nice to others, he doesn’t need to do this to you.

I didn’t mean to cause offence, the only thing that makes me wonder if there’s something mental health related going on is that he truly seems to believe these weird things that he says.

He believes I am at fault for not washing his clothes after my surgery but he isn’t at fault for not doing.
Im at fault for not bringing his tea in every night or he believes im a “fucking lazy cunt” for not cooking a roast at 10pm. I’ve never ever known anything like it before and I dunno if my eyes are opening as this has been my normal since 2018 but something isn’t right. Do abusers genuinely believe their delusions.

I've been there for years. My ex probably was mentally unwell, and I am certain autistic and ADHD too. But the main issue was that he absolutely refused to acknowledge the issues and get help.

Women's Aid were absolutely wonderful for me when I finally plucked up courage to go. It made me realise that the reason for the abuse was irrelevant when he was refusing to help himself.

Don't leave without support though - speak to a DV service first especially if you have children.

Nothing there says mental health. He isn't delusional, he is gaslighting you. I do believe some people lose control when they are drunk but if they do it's on them to not drink. Not that it really matters in this case because he sounds like he is a twat when he is sober too.

He is not delusional, he is deliberately abusing you, controlling you, and then trying to convince you, that it’s you, who is at fault. He is deliberately playing mind games, to make you think you are losing your mind. He isn’t mentally unwell, he is just an abusive cunt who loves to use you as his emotional punch bag.
You need to leave him asap.

Why does it matter whether he “believes” it’s your job to do all the laundry even when you are post-surgery or not? If he does believe it, he is a selfish abusive jerk who wants to torment you into living in a very bad marriage from 1955. If he doesn’t believe it but is saying it to upset you, he’s a selfish abusive jerk who wants to torment you for his own amusement.

There is NO mental health condition here that you can fix, or which would excuse his behaviour. You seem to think that you leaving if he is mentally ill would be like leaving a wheelchair-bound partner because he couldn’t go mountain climbing with you. That’s nonsense. He is an awful abusive person and you must get out.

I don’t think he’ll ever address his issues because ever since he’s met me every single thing has either been my fault, my responsibility or my job to sort out. Bills, money, fucking laundry!

Im lay here in bed after a whole day of texting how controlling I am and abusive and how he’s entitled to have a beer and he’s not coming back and it’s just realising now he is nicer to his mother, a heroin addict who neglected him his whole life, than me, when I have done so much for him.

It’s like he hates me. He says he loves me but I don’t feel loved. I don’t even know what it would be like to feel loved.

He never defends me either. One of his family members borrowed money from me a couple of years ago, never paid it back and has ignored me ever since, gone on 3/4 holidays a year and he is so nice to them. Anyone who hasn’t been nice to me or has upset me in some way he seems to go out of his way to be extra nice to. It’s like he does it on purpose.

So don’t apologise and don’t let him back. Pull together his things, tell him in the morning to come and collect them and don’t let him back in your life

If he’s staying out all night, I’d bet anything it goes far beyond 4-6 Stellas.

Regardless of whether he’s just plain old abusive or there’s some MH and addiction thrown in the mix, the bottom line is that he needs to get help himself. There’s nothing you can do on your end and the sooner you understand that, the sooner you can focus on your own well being.

My DP was an addict and before he sorted himself out, we had some truly horrendous times - but the only reason I decided to work on it was because I honestly can’t remember a time he even raised his voice at me. As it stands, your partner is being abusive and seems to use you. If you’re paying for everything, the money is going somewhere else. I bet it’s not Stellas.

Any woman he has been in a relationship before you, got abused from him, the women he meets after you, will get abused too. You can’t change him, he knows what he’s doing and loves the power and control he has over you. The only thing you can change, is you, you can leave him and be happy.

He doesn’t love you or like you, you are barely tolerated @Deletingafter he is using you to fund his life

Oh I know it’s cocaine as well, he sits in his brothers drinking and sniffing.
Last time he went out at 1pm to “help his brother do his garden” and got back the following day at 5pm - then had the audacity to moan at me for being pissed off….it was literally my birthday weekend.

He's a cunt. You're right in wanting to leave. It genuinely doesn't matter why he behaves like a cunt, what matters is he's making you miserable and you don't deserve that. Get your ducks in a row and head for the hills before he does anymore damage to you and your mental health.

Good luck OP

This has come more evident now. I know this in my mind.
I don’t really have a social life or friends, after Covid I just stopped wanting to socialise so I stupidly stopped talking to anyone outside of work. I don’t do work parties or anything like that so part of me wonders am I lonely. Feel abit silly when I actually take stock and realise I just stick around

So why are you with him? He is trying to make you feel you are losing your mind. He is making you walk on eggshells and making it crystal clear he doesn’t like you.

He’s not capable of becoming the partner you deserve. The next time he says your relationship is finished reply ‘ok, I’ll arrange to get your belongings to you and the keys from you’ if you feel safe to do so. Ask your family for support and cut him right out. Good luck.

I think its both. He is mentally unwell and he is abusing you. Get out. His mental illness isnt an excuse but I am sure it contributes. Please leave him.

Run for your life. It’s only a matter of time (if not already) until he starts cheating on you with a fellow user who will be happy to enable his addiction and help paint you as the mean controlling witch.

Cocaine turns people into horrendous, selfish monsters. If you don’t walk out now he’ll only drag you down even further.

It might be his wake up call, it may not. But right now you need to leave this abusive bastard.

I haven’t spoke to him all day because this cycle is so draining and fucking childish. I’m not even opening the messages.
It’s every single fucking time
Drink too much > I get annoyed > Go to work sending texts all day how it’s over and im all these horrible things > I apologise and promise to change (except this time. Not even replied) . I don’t even know what I’ve done wrong.

He wouldn’t want you to have friends or a social life, he wants you to feel there is no way out, no escape.

You haven’t done anything wrong, he’s abusing you because you are in his life, taking his shit and paying his way. This is his cycle of abuse, no matter who he has a relationship with.

He’s selfish without cocaine
He says he’s never cheated on me, yet over the years when the cycle started he’d “dump” me then add loads of random women on his Facebook and literally sit there all day liking all their pictures.

Plus we went out once with his uncle, auntie and her friend, he was inebriated and decided to sit infront of this friend and tell her how pretty she was whilst I sat next to him. I left their house and he went somewhere else apparently. The family would point blank lie to my face to protect their own. (They’ve done it before!!)

So do I believe he has never cheated on me? No.
I don’t even feel anxious about cheating or being cheated on which is unusual, it’s something you’re supposed to care about.