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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is this abuse or is he mentally unwell

162 replies

Deletingafter · 21/07/2025 22:46

Me and DP have been together 7 years

Relationship has plod along and he seems to be quite dependant on me. Doesn’t do anything really around the house, doesn’t take me out really. I often pay for everything

The reason I ask is for years DP has had what I think are delusions? Every argument is my fault and I have to resolve it and apologise.

For example - He is a nasty person when he’s drunk, will ignore me all night, stay out without telling me or come home and just verbally abuse me or start an argument. For this reason my anxiety is through the roof if he’s had a drink. He will stay out all night then shout at me in the morning for being annoyed that he doesn’t contact me or even let me know he’s staying out. I will then have to apologise and he will call me controlling.

Another example - I had a laparoscopy for endometriosis recently as I’m struggling. The anaesthetic put me out for almost a week and I felt so run down and tired, also severe menstrual cramps. I hadn’t done any washing in 3 days. DP claims he doesn’t know how to use the washer. He then screams at me that I’m lazy and a tramp and once again I apologise and do the jobs.

He will clean up once every month, then like clockwork will shout at me and call me names because he “is sick of cleaning and cleaning the whole fucking house whilst I’m sat on my arse” once again - I’m lazy and a tramp. I again apologise.

I want to leave the relationship anyway, he calls me names and isn’t attentive or nice in any way except when he wants sex. Which I no longer want to do with him because he is so unkind to me.

It’s frying my brain, I don’t know whether I’m allowed to be angry, whether I’m unreasonable for being angry or whether I am actually controlling or if he’s mentally ill. He truly seems to believe these delusions that every single issue is caused by me.

I am confused.

OP posts:
justasking111 · 21/07/2025 23:43

Pack a bag, go to your family. Don't be there when he gets home.

He puts alcohol, drugs before you.

HigherWaffle · 21/07/2025 23:44

Deletingafter · 21/07/2025 22:46

Me and DP have been together 7 years

Relationship has plod along and he seems to be quite dependant on me. Doesn’t do anything really around the house, doesn’t take me out really. I often pay for everything

The reason I ask is for years DP has had what I think are delusions? Every argument is my fault and I have to resolve it and apologise.

For example - He is a nasty person when he’s drunk, will ignore me all night, stay out without telling me or come home and just verbally abuse me or start an argument. For this reason my anxiety is through the roof if he’s had a drink. He will stay out all night then shout at me in the morning for being annoyed that he doesn’t contact me or even let me know he’s staying out. I will then have to apologise and he will call me controlling.

Another example - I had a laparoscopy for endometriosis recently as I’m struggling. The anaesthetic put me out for almost a week and I felt so run down and tired, also severe menstrual cramps. I hadn’t done any washing in 3 days. DP claims he doesn’t know how to use the washer. He then screams at me that I’m lazy and a tramp and once again I apologise and do the jobs.

He will clean up once every month, then like clockwork will shout at me and call me names because he “is sick of cleaning and cleaning the whole fucking house whilst I’m sat on my arse” once again - I’m lazy and a tramp. I again apologise.

I want to leave the relationship anyway, he calls me names and isn’t attentive or nice in any way except when he wants sex. Which I no longer want to do with him because he is so unkind to me.

It’s frying my brain, I don’t know whether I’m allowed to be angry, whether I’m unreasonable for being angry or whether I am actually controlling or if he’s mentally ill. He truly seems to believe these delusions that every single issue is caused by me.

I am confused.

This is awful. I have been there. Get out of it. You are worth so much more than this crap he is dishing out. xxx

Original poster
Deletingafter · 21/07/2025 23:46

I don’t know how he’d behave if I had a proper social life. I don’t know why I all of a sudden don’t want one. I don’t want friends.

I think deep down I asked the original thread because I don’t feel normal myself. I don’t want friends I don’t really want to talk to people. I’m happy to be indoors after work and on weekends. I’m only 27 but at the minute I feel like a spinster.

OP posts:
Original poster
Deletingafter · 21/07/2025 23:47

I don’t understand my own feelings.

All the comments, which are true and the wake up call I definitely need, should hurt

It should hurt people saying that your partner doesn’t love you, doesn’t like you, probably cheats on you and uses you. Why doesn’t it bother me hearing these words. Why am I not upset. Why do I feel so damn numb.

OP posts:
Bingbopboomboomboombopbam · 21/07/2025 23:48

@Deletingafter you need counselling to help you move on from this and help you learn to accept self care.

Addicts (even the nicest addicts) rob you of your identity, your existence just becomes consumed by them. You’re too young to be stuck in that hole.

everythingthelighttouches · 21/07/2025 23:50

Do you own the house together or rent?
do you have a job?
do you have family you can go to?

Original poster
Deletingafter · 21/07/2025 23:51

Would that apply to abuse too. He isn’t an addict, he does this once a month.
However is vile and sober the rest of the time

OP posts:
HigherWaffle · 21/07/2025 23:52

How old are you, OP?

Original poster
Deletingafter · 21/07/2025 23:54

House is rented. Joint tenancy, he gives me £200 a month begrudgingly towards rent and bills. The household outgoings are £1400. I work full time and attend night school one day a week for my college course.

My relationship with my family is an odd one. They hate him, absolutely hate him and want me to be away from him, but once it begins to effect them, aka me staying there for a while, they lose sympathy and it becomes all about how they’re effected by what’s happening so staying with family is not something I want to do plus I like my house, I’ve spent a lot of money on it and I don’t really want to leave.

OP posts:
everythingthelighttouches · 21/07/2025 23:56

How much is the rent?

thecomedyofterrors · 21/07/2025 23:56

You are so young and have so much life to live and be happy. He is not your responsibility. You cannot, will not, be ever able to change him. He is vile and abusing you. You can and should live with dignity and self-respect, calmly and choosing how to enjoy life. You are bonded to him by trauma- by abuse, so seek help to get free. Just because it’s not easy doesn’t mean it’s not 100% right thing to do.

Original poster
Deletingafter · 21/07/2025 23:57

I’m 27.

When I was 23 he actually left me, unsure the real reason but apparently I was starting arguments all the time. I didn’t think I was but he was being particularly vile at that time and I was upset quite a lot. He gets annoyed when I’m upset and I don’t snap out of it immediately.

He was gone for 6 weeks, sent texts every day moaning how he hates his shared house and it’s all my fault. I said come home and he wasn’t having any of it. Sat on his sad Facebook all day every day adding women and liking photos etc.

He wasn’t able to afford his shared house so he ended up back here professing his love to me etc etc. stupidly I fell for it, but at that time I almost felt a glimpse of the old me was back. I regret that day so so so much.

OP posts:
Original poster
Deletingafter · 21/07/2025 23:58

My rent is 900

OP posts:
everythingthelighttouches · 21/07/2025 23:59

And how quickly can you get out of the tenancy?

He’s only paying £200 per month towards a household which costs £1400??

This is all good news. Just get out of the tenancy and get somewhere on your own.

Original poster
Deletingafter · 22/07/2025 00:00

Yes and every month that he sends me my £200 he rants how he’s skint etc as though he wants to create such an atmosphere in the house that I send his money back and just pay everything myself.

OP posts:
MuckFusk · 22/07/2025 00:00

Deletingafter · 21/07/2025 22:58

He dumps me usually after the stay out all night drinking episodes. Stays at a family members texting me all day how I’m a control freak and it’s over and he’s not coming back so that I apologise and the usual.

I wonder partly if it was mental health issues would I be able to get him help.

There's a quote (I don't know the author) that goes; you can't change another person, but you can destroy your life trying.
Don't destroy your life. He doesn't want help or to change but if he did it would have to come from his efforts and not from yours.

MsChilds · 22/07/2025 00:01

What do you want?

Bananalanacake · 22/07/2025 00:01

It is not your job to fix him, he's an abusive piece of shit.

Original poster
Deletingafter · 22/07/2025 00:02

MsChilds · 22/07/2025 00:01

What do you want?

I don’t even know what I want

To vent, to talk?

I don’t know anymore

OP posts:
FeedingPidgeons · 22/07/2025 00:02

Numbness is a trauma response and self defence mechanism.

Never mind about the why
The fact that he does it is enough
Nobody deserves this shit

Focus on the practical side. Who owns your house? If you rent, whose name is on the lease?

You need to make a plan, and follow it.

MuckFusk · 22/07/2025 00:03

Deletingafter · 22/07/2025 00:00

Yes and every month that he sends me my £200 he rants how he’s skint etc as though he wants to create such an atmosphere in the house that I send his money back and just pay everything myself.

Take the money FGS! At least get something out of the pain you've had to endure.
I'm confused as to how he's sending the money if he lives with you. Doesn't he just give it to you in person?

FrodoBiggins · 22/07/2025 00:04

You're 27!?

OP this is actually great news. You sound totally lovely, smart, and like you have your head screwed on. I bet you're a caring friend and you'd be an amazing partner for someone who was caring back to you.

You have loads of time to have a happy life. Way more than you think. You're so young and you've made a breakthrough now. Also you are not financially dependant on him, married, and as I understand it you don't share children. You can have a clean break from this waste of space.

You have seen how he treats you when you're kind to him and his family - like shit. You've seen how he treats you when you've had major surgery and need to rest - like a servant. He would be a terrible life partner. You'd be better off alone, but I'm guessing you won't be for long if you don't want to be because you have loads to give.

Well done on taking the first step to your new life without this deadweight. Stay strong x

TwistedWonder · 22/07/2025 00:05

You’re only 27 and you’ve already wasted your 20’s being abused by this absolute piece of shit.

He is a repulsive subhuman cunt. You have to stop making excuses for his disgusting behaviour and tell him to go. You’ll be better off as you’re already bankrolling this scummy cocklodger.

Hes not a man, he’s an absolute cretin who has worn you down so much that your self esteem is in the gutter.

Change the locks, tell him not to come back and don’t waste any more of your life on this wanker.

Fleetheart · 22/07/2025 00:07

Have you noticed all your posts are about him, what he does, what he says etc. This needs to change so that your thoughts become all about you - what you want to do, how you want to be etc. I think it’s time for him to go. If the tenancy is in your name there is no reason for him to stay. From what you have said I cannot see one benefit to your life from him being there.

lauraloulou1 · 22/07/2025 00:13

You are going to love your 30s if you leave this guy. Do you have kids? Why have you stayed? Reading your posts are depressing me.