To take DD’s trust fund..

[BlueFlamingo55]

AIBU to take part of DD’s trust fund to pay for our new house?

DD has quite a modest trust fund (~£30k) that I had promised to give her this year since she is now 19. The money is my inheritance from DF but instead I decided to put it away for DD when she was younger to help with her university costs, first car, house deposit etc.

Life didn’t turn out quite how I had expected it to and I have just come away from a messy divorce and am now having to purchase a new house in my 50s.. I’ve found a home that both DD and I love but my deposit (my share of the equity money from the marital home) wouldn’t be enough. I therefore decided that I’d take half of DD’s trust money to top things up. I do not want to do this and it was never the plan but it’s the only way I’ll be able to afford this house. We’ve explored cheaper options further outside of town but DD refuses to live in any of them (and I quietly agree with her, I much prefer the area this house is in)

I made the mistake of telling DD my plans re: the trust fund and she has gone absolutely ballistic, for want of a better term. Saying that I’m stealing her money and how will she possibly be able to afford her travel plans etc etc. Apparently I’m trying to ruin her life. I’ve reminded her that I help her out financially 24/7 and she is not hard done by but there is absolutely no talking sense into her. She has refused to speak to me all week.

Am I really the worst mother in the world for taking £15k in order to pay for good, permanent accommodation for us both?

Tell her there are three choices - she can agree to the £15k going on the house in the nicer area, she can accept you'll be living in one of the areas further out, or she can move out, and then her opinion on where you live won't be a factor.

"Refuses to live there" - seriously? Have you explained to her that if someone else is paying the bills, that's not how it works? Bonkers.

Just buy a house that you can afford without touching the money , it is irrelevant whether the money is in her name or your name you have told her it’s there and she knows it had been promised to her . It is a shame that you’ve raised such a selfish brat though , I have 2 adult children and both would have said to take all the money if I needed it .

How much longer do you think you will be housing your daughter Op?

Honestly, in my 50s I'd have been looking for something pretty small, easy to maintain to retirement & beyond!

Does she work/in Uni?

It's in the OP's account

Sorry you’re getting such a hard time here OP. It’s your money, it’s not stealing, you had good intentions but couldn’t have anticipated the divorce. I hope ladies posting so harshly never have the rug swept out from under their feet….

In your shoes i would sit down with your daughter - explain the financial circumstances, that you either need to borrow the money, or need to find a different house. Be honest like you have here - it wasn’t the plan, but neither was divorce.

If you can afford to do so - you could also offer in exchange eg no rent payments from her til 21 / a small % of the house, and look to remortgage / buy her out down the road so she still ends up with the cash but in a few years time. Another option may be to take a lodger into her room while she is travelling, to recoup at least some of the money when she is back. I wouldn’t give a 19 year old that much cash in one go in any case - if she wants to go travelling, 15k is more than enough and most people would need jobs to supplement…

Good luck!

It’s not your money. Don’t.

Take the money to buy the house. Travelling is something your 19 year old can save up for herself . Shit happens ! Tell her you might take the entire £30k if she doesn’t calm down

Yeah, that's misleading. If it's your account, it's yours. Still shitty to promise it to her, and then take it. But nothing legally to stop you from doing it.

Easy that posters are making the mistake as the op called it that from the start.
The money is in the op's name yes but promised to her dd.

The op can't just decide to spend it on herself because she split from her dh

Thank goodness you put it into your own name !

I think it’s ok for now because it’s survival and she’ll still get the other half.

It's on OP for insisting that it is. She should have been clearer.

You either need to find another way of obtaining the 15k, loans etc or you look for another home. I’d also not let your dd dictate where you live, she needs to understand the phrase ‘needs must’. I’m sure given the option we’d all like a better house in a nicer location, but sometimes funds mean we can’t.

But re the trust fund, you can’t take that away from her after you’ve promised it. She’s a very lucky girl and 30k will give her a lot of opportunities if she uses it wisely.

If you had read the full thread, or at least the Op's posts, you would have seen that she corrected it.

It isn't ok. It's been promised to the dd who could no doubt use it for her own deposit at some point.

The op needs to rent or find cheaper.

Can you use the 15k for the house purchase and then take out a 15k loan once you're in?

Is it? I thought it was the daughter's money left to her by her father who had died. I'm confused 🤷🏼‍♀️

Yes, otherwise she wouldn't have been able to crush her daughter's dreams, steal from her morally if not legally and destroy her relationship with her child! Phew! Thank goodness!

And I wish people would stop quoting ancient posts and explaining it's not actually a trust fund. Everyone knows this by now, and if they don't their posts can be safely ignored.

When your only argument is that OP is not legally stealing from her daughter, only morally, you do not have an argument. Right and wrong are still right and wrong even if not legally enforced.

Blaming a 19 year old for being upset about her mother casually stealing from her because legally she can does explain a lot about why so many mumsnetters have shit relationships with their kids though.

Good mothers don't do things like this to their daughters. Expect that to be the theme of every birthday, mother's day and Christmas for the rst of your life, OP, if you're lucky. I look forward to your future mumsnet threads.

This!

This. Her travelling is more important than having a roof of her choice? She best matures up and thinks hard because she needs to choose one or the other.

Then you need to buy a house in a cheaper area and your DD will have to suck it up.

I agree but she did correct herself....and you say she can't just decide to spend it on herself....well yes actually she could, but its not to spoend on herself, its to buy a house for her and her daughter because her daughter doesn't like any of the houses that the Op can afford without using some of the money.......

That's a good idea to put her on the deeds. That is better than her getting 30k at 19! If she gets all that, I can guarantee that non of it is going towards a house deposited and it will be frittered away. When I do a trust fund for my kids they won't be able to touch it until age 30.

I did. It took her a while, though, which is strange.