To take DD’s trust fund..

[BlueFlamingo55]

AIBU to take part of DD’s trust fund to pay for our new house?

DD has quite a modest trust fund (~£30k) that I had promised to give her this year since she is now 19. The money is my inheritance from DF but instead I decided to put it away for DD when she was younger to help with her university costs, first car, house deposit etc.

Life didn’t turn out quite how I had expected it to and I have just come away from a messy divorce and am now having to purchase a new house in my 50s.. I’ve found a home that both DD and I love but my deposit (my share of the equity money from the marital home) wouldn’t be enough. I therefore decided that I’d take half of DD’s trust money to top things up. I do not want to do this and it was never the plan but it’s the only way I’ll be able to afford this house. We’ve explored cheaper options further outside of town but DD refuses to live in any of them (and I quietly agree with her, I much prefer the area this house is in)

I made the mistake of telling DD my plans re: the trust fund and she has gone absolutely ballistic, for want of a better term. Saying that I’m stealing her money and how will she possibly be able to afford her travel plans etc etc. Apparently I’m trying to ruin her life. I’ve reminded her that I help her out financially 24/7 and she is not hard done by but there is absolutely no talking sense into her. She has refused to speak to me all week.

Am I really the worst mother in the world for taking £15k in order to pay for good, permanent accommodation for us both?

Yes I know I can disagree “all I want” - of course. Joys of living in a free country. To me it’s not a “huge difference”. I think our word needs to mean something specially to our children. Otherwise we will all end up on mumsnet wondering why our kids don’t talk to us or don’t have a close relationship with us. We should treat them with the same respect that we would like and show them that we can be trusted. Because whilst they are small we have control and they have no choice but to have a relationship with us, but once grown they only have to have a relationship with us if they like us. Or even worse, they go about in the world saying something and doing something else…

You inherited the money It is in an account in your name. It is your money. You intended to give it to your daughter, and she knew that. Circumstances have changed though, and in order to house both of you (in a place where both of you wish to live) you need to use some of the (and I repeat, your) money.

Carry on and do so. You had the very best of intentions when setting the money aside, though life has got it the way. That happens, and your daughter is old enough to understand that.

She will still have £15k and she can still use that - it a lot more than most have when they go travelling.

Look to fund from elsewhere or look to buy a different house. After promising your DD the fund was hers, your future relationship will be severely affected if you do this. Quite rightly she sees it as you taking what you have said is hers. My brother died with no will as he mistakenly thought any inheritance he left would go to his niece - my Dd. As per the law it was split between siblings. My sister, knowing his wishes still insisted on having her share. My share went straight into an account for my daughter and earned interest until she received it. My conscience could not allow anything else.

Yep, the daughter sounds like a piece of work alright. Saying that the OP is trying to 'ruin her life' by giving her a mere £15k at age 19 rather than the £30k she thinks she's got a god-given right to...it sounds like a bit of disappointment might do her good in the long run. I'd give it a few days to see if a cooler head prevails, then set out exactly what the trade off is re house-in-an-area-she-deems-nice-enough-for-her-ladyship and getting the extra £15k.

I don't believe this.

I don't think anyone callous enough to thieve from their own child would be seeking approval for said theft on the Internet.

There's also no way I'd be handing a teenager who planned to go travelling 30k

Unless you've previously agreed she could spend it on things like that it would be staying firmly in my name until she was using it for a deposit or the likes.

So it's not actually a trust fund at all? It's in a savings account in your name so legally your money.
If you need to change the plan for the use of that money then you're entirely entitled to do so. Your mistake was to tell her that the money was originally intended for her use. Shit happens...

The money is my inheritance from DF but instead I decided to put it away for DD

Yanbu.
No good deed goes unpunished.
In this instance I'd tell your dd she has 2 options

1. She agrees that you should access your inheritance to provide a home for you both
2. She can have her 30k and you will find a 1 one and she can sort herself out with accommodation after her travelling.

Her choice.

This is not hoe families should behave and is very disappointing OP

Edited: jesus christ the money is in your name... how is this even a conversation and how is the poll against you?!?
You want to use the money to provide secure house for you both.
She wants to do mushrooms on a boat in ball 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Right, thanks. 👍
After this, I'd still be out of there!
(Projecting, possibly).

I think if the mortgage is the max you can afford WITH having to take money from your child's earmarked money, you can't afford that house.

It does seem like you've steamrolled this decision. I decided, I will take etc. Yes she's an adult but she's a very young one with a brain still capable of acting like a selfish prick, but I can see why she is upset. She won't be in the house for long due to her age so won't really benefit from losing half her money and it'll not cover half the things it was designed for (uni, car, HER house deposit). It seems like you've decided this is how it is with no adult discussion with her about a voluntary contribution from her, or even a loan from her. I suspect you have no plans or even thoughts on borrowing the money from her as you've just said take take take every post?

I imagine the reason she’s so upset with you right now is because she has just realised that she can’t have everything she wants - the nice house and the money. It’s that moment in her life when she is actually having to face it all as an adult and it’s come as a shock to her: she probably assumed that you’d be able to figure out a way of finding the money. Yes she’s 19, but it really does seem like this is moment that she is now having to deal with an adult scenario and she just wants her mum to fix it (whether that’s reasonable or not).

My question would be, how early in the househunting process did you realise you’d need to use her money to look at these houses, and how soon did you communicate that with her? If you’re looking, would you not have had a budget and if you were looking at things over the budget that required the use of some of the ringfenced money, surely that would have been when you said to her that you could only look at those nicer houses if she contributed? Or did you go looking at the more expensive houses and when she liked one you said “great, I’ll need to use £15k of your money btw”?

If you have no other way of funding it, you’ll have to either get her to agree willingly, or look elsewhere. We can’t all afford everything we want and this is a lesson for her as well as you now I guess.

Well I guess you're staying where you are then.You have received some truly HORRIBLE advice from the sort of lonely women who write to mumsnet saying "Why does my family hate me and treat me like I don't exist?"

Yes, technically you can steal the money from your daughter, and technically it won't actually be theft. But she will very much see it like that, and so would nearly everyone else. Is 15 thousand worth destroying your relationship with your kid? That is the question, ignore everything else.

Perhaps you are pretending not to get it, perhaps you really don't, it is not the future plans, it is your unilaterally deciding to steal back the money you promised her. It is the absolute (definitive and inarguable) unfairness of it. It is about the power you are exercising over her, it is horribly unfair of you to do this.

IF you really needed to do so you should have asked her, explained things to her, and promised it would be paid back. The details you have thrown in to assuage your guilt and compilcate matters simply do not matter. All of this should have been discussed with your daughter when you asked her.

But as you had already decided to steal from her (which, regardless of technicalities and whether it is actually a crime is how she sees it and rightly so) you didn't want to discuss it in case she said no, and you've only told her because she will find out anyway, to try to make yourself sound fair and reasonable.

Your're not.

The sort of people trying to obfuscate and make excuses for you don't keep their promises and don't understand that keeping your word does matter.

So yeah, go ahead and take "your" money that you promised your daughter and see how that turns out. You've already made your mind up. Enjoy what's to come.

This. Presumably your daughter will eventually benefit.
That said, I can see why your daughter might see it differently.
At 19,she should be old enough to understand

Whatever it is 'in' it was promised to the dd/'ringfenced' whatever you want to call it.

The op should stand by what she has promised and rent or buy somewhere cheaper not penalise her dd because of her own failed relationship.

Give her the choice she contributes or lives in the area she doesn’t like.

YANBU. She’s still getting some of it. It’s your money, unfortunate that you’ve told her about it over the years. Otherwise she would have even quite chuffed to get 15k. Sounds like she plans to spunk it all on travel which would be awful as you have a real need. I’d use it and keep trying to have a conversation about it, hopefully she’ll come to terms with losing some of your money

You literally haven’t read any of the op’s responses and have the wrong end of the stick

The only way would be for DD to agree to be named on the property as a co owner with you. but that would have to be her decision.

the bank will need to know where the deposit money has come from anyway. you will have to prove the source and if it's from an account that isn't yours they will need her consent

You can't do this but you can buy a house in an area you can afford even if she doesn't like it. She's 19, unless she pays rent she has no say.

Well the poll is against her because she titled the thread and described it as her daughter’s trust fund, which it isn’t. That’s OPs fault

please look more clearly at your financial situation.
now you've mentioned cc debt. 🤦‍♀️
you should not be maxing out on a mortgage, then.
it sounds like you are trying to maintain the previous life you enjoyed and keep your dd happy. You should't be making financial decisions with her.
buy something well under your mortgage approval.
a house isn't realistic. A gorgeous flat is.
reduce your debts.
anything else is stupid.

its not in a trust fund RTFT

@BlueFlamingo55 I made the mistake of telling DD my plans re: the trust fund and she has gone absolutely ballistic, for want of a better term. Saying that I’m stealing her money and how will she possibly be able to afford her travel plans etc etc. Apparently I’m trying to ruin her life.

Your DD sounds very entitled, and she is also far too old to be having a temper tantrum. £30k is a colossal sum of money, and most people in their 30s and 40s wouldn't even have £30k in savings, let alone a teenager.

I note that the savings were for DD's university costs and a car, but it is not typical for a parent to finance those to that extent. Teenagers would generally take loans for university, and they would save up for their own car with their part time job. She has said she has "travel plans," which just sounds like a princess complex more than anything else.

Even more important to note here is that it wasn't DD's money; it was your own inheritance from DF.

You sound like a reasonable, sensible person with your head screwed on, which is why you made the sensible proposal of using half of the money to buy stable accomodation. A kind and reasonable person would have understood the benefit of giving up £15k of savings for a stable home.

The thing that's truly astonishing here is that most people have sided with DD...

Right, thanks. 👍
After this, I'd still be out of there!
Projecting, possibly).

If the DD actually wanted to be out of there she wouldn't be insisting the OP buys in a more expensive area

the account is in the OP's name