Page 36 | To take DD’s trust fund..

BlueFlamingo55 · 2025-07-21T20:04:12+00:00

AIBU to take part of DD’s trust fund to pay for our new house? DD has quite a modest trust fund (~£30k) that I had promised to give her this year since she is now 19. The money is my inheritance from DF but instead I decided to put it away for DD when she was younger to help with her university costs, first car, house deposit etc. Life didn’t turn out quite how I had expected it to and I have just come away from a messy divorce and am now having to purchase a new house in my 50s.. I’ve found a home that both DD and I love but my deposit (my share of the equity money from the marital home) wouldn’t be enough. I therefore decided that I’d take half of DD’s trust money to top things up. I do not want to do this and it was never the plan but it’s the only way I’ll be able to afford this house. We’ve explored cheaper options further outside of town but DD refuses to live in any of them (and I quietly agree with her, I much prefer the area this house is in) I made the mistake of telling DD my plans re: the trust fund and she has gone absolutely ballistic, for want of a better term. Saying that I’m stealing *her *money and how will she possibly be able to afford her travel plans etc etc. Apparently I’m trying to ruin her life. I’ve reminded her that I help her out financially 24/7 and she is not hard done by but there is absolutely no talking sense into her. She has refused to speak to me all week. Am I really the worst mother in the world for taking £15k in order to pay for good, permanent accommodation for us both?

HedgehogOnTheBike · 22/07/2025 21:47

Imagine getting a gift of 15k and being a selfish brat about it when your mum wants to buy a house in the area you prefer because she needs to keep the other 15k of her own money....

OP do what is best for you. Your daughter is so darn lucky to get 15k gift

joliefolle · 22/07/2025 21:57

It has been presented to the DD that she is losing £15k. Again, the OP has played the whole thing really badly in order to appear as the best mother in the world and is now on here asking us to confirm that she is not the worst mother in the world for having to get real, renege on the silly promise she made, and enduring the consequences. The OP must spend the money on getting the property she wants, it cannot be frittered on a 19 year-old travelling plans but if the DD is "a selfish brat" it's of the OP's self-indulgent making.

Lbet · 22/07/2025 21:58

Poster I think you have had good and bad advice on this one and obviously we all have different opinions on it.

Wishing you all the best on whatever you decide.

I for one will be putting this one to bed now.

telestrations · 22/07/2025 22:05

Gloriia · 22/07/2025 20:46

No it is not fair to put that responsibility on the dd.

'I can only afford this however I'll make it homely and you of course can stay until you get your own place. Here's your inheritance as promised'. The end.

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No it's not. DD is now an adult and this is life. If she wants to live in the most expensive option then the money has to come from somewhere and the sooner she learns this the better for own self.

Her screaming at her mother that she's ruined her life because she will only get 15k of her mother's money at 18yo instead of 30k and this has ruined her travel plans is not. Especially when she's got another inheritance down the line plus this house which she is choosing.

Falseknock · 22/07/2025 22:12

FridayFeelingmidweek · 22/07/2025 21:44

You told her, so now you must give her the money.

If you hadn't told her, I would have said its fine to use for your home as you'd surely release equity or downsize later in life to give her money.

Why on earth dud you tell her. Too late now. Don't wreck your relationship. Apologise and give her the money.

Live rough op let her dictate your final year's.

Coconutter24 · 22/07/2025 22:17

NormasArse · 21/07/2025 21:13

It actually is the OP’s money.

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It WAS the OPs money

Iloveacurry · 22/07/2025 22:18

The only thing you really do is buy a house you can afford, even if it’s in area which is not so desirable. Your DD can either suck it up or she finds somewhere else to live. Up to you if you give her the ‘trust fund’ to facilitate this.

Pessismistic · 22/07/2025 22:21

Hi op this is an awkward situation she’s bound to be pissed off as you have probably been saying there is x amount in a trust fund and she’s been looking forward to spending it. Could you ask her to invest the 15k in your new home as an investment for her future? If she’s not willing to help you out you need to be straight with her you get a smaller home or one neither of you want but you have no alternative as you didn’t have a crystal ball years ago. Once she moves out downsize so you can retire whilst you’re still alive and kicking.

Falseknock · 22/07/2025 22:45

Coconutter24 · 22/07/2025 22:17

It WAS the OPs money

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It's in the ops account it's still up to the op what she does with it.

carchi · 22/07/2025 22:50

If your daughter wants to be treated like an adult then she needs to realise that sometimes in life compromises have to be made. When you gifted her the money no one knew that you and her father would seperate and the financial affect that would have on all concerned. Maybe explain that if she wants to live in a particular area eventhough she will be travelling at university etc that you simply can't afford it without extra income. Or she could possibly compromise and keep all of her promised money and live in a different place until you are financially able to relocate.

joliefolle · 22/07/2025 23:08

When you gifted her the money no one knew that you and her father would seperate and the financial affect that would have on all concerned.

The DD's father is not in DD's life. DD was conceived via IVF. When DD was 2 OP's father died and OP decided to put the £30k aside for DD to do with as she liked when she was old enough. This was "long" before the OP then met, married and divorced a man and walked away with £90k from the sale of that marital home. At some point in this process the OP very unwisely decided to tell her DD that she was going to give her £30k to do with what she liked.

Wooky073 · 22/07/2025 23:38

You legally cannot do this and if you do you would be in trouble legally. In fact if she is 19 why does she not have her own access to the money? Its already her money not yours. It sounds like you are withholding access which again you should not do.
What you can do is ask her if she would like to use say £20k of it towards a property (and she would then be entitled to a say 10percent stake in that property - which over time should increase). But you are way out of order withholding access when she is already legally entitled to the money and then telling her that you are using it to buy a house. You should immediately apologise and try and salvage her trust. Then you can have an adult conversation with her about your financial issues and concerns about where you will live.

80smonster · 22/07/2025 23:39

30k isn’t a trust fund, just some cash put aside. That you can ill afford to give by the sounds of things.

BruFord · 22/07/2025 23:47

Wooky073 · 22/07/2025 23:38

You legally cannot do this and if you do you would be in trouble legally. In fact if she is 19 why does she not have her own access to the money? Its already her money not yours. It sounds like you are withholding access which again you should not do.
What you can do is ask her if she would like to use say £20k of it towards a property (and she would then be entitled to a say 10percent stake in that property - which over time should increase). But you are way out of order withholding access when she is already legally entitled to the money and then telling her that you are using it to buy a house. You should immediately apologise and try and salvage her trust. Then you can have an adult conversation with her about your financial issues and concerns about where you will live.

@Wooky073 It’s not an actual trust fund, the money is in the OP’s name in a saving account.

She just promised all of it to her DD. Legally, it belongs to the OP.

nomas · 22/07/2025 23:56

Wooky073 · 22/07/2025 23:38

You legally cannot do this and if you do you would be in trouble legally. In fact if she is 19 why does she not have her own access to the money? Its already her money not yours. It sounds like you are withholding access which again you should not do.
What you can do is ask her if she would like to use say £20k of it towards a property (and she would then be entitled to a say 10percent stake in that property - which over time should increase). But you are way out of order withholding access when she is already legally entitled to the money and then telling her that you are using it to buy a house. You should immediately apologise and try and salvage her trust. Then you can have an adult conversation with her about your financial issues and concerns about where you will live.

She’s not legally entitled to the money.

TenaciousDeeds · 23/07/2025 00:09

This is a really difficult situation and some PPs (probably those in stable financial situations) are jumping on a bit.

This money was left for you, but you decided to ring fence it for your DD when you were still married. You probably at the time had no idea you were to divorce though.

With the current economic situation, your DD may well be living with you for the next decade (or more if she doesn’t find a partner to enable her to live there independently), so finding a decent home is paramount for both of you.

I don’t think you’re being a bad mum - it’s very unfortunate but IMO you’re just surviving at this point.

thelakeisle · 23/07/2025 00:14

thelakeisle · 22/07/2025 01:37

I'd love to re write some of the threads on mumsnet, with a view to being honest and fair. In that vein, the OPs title should have been "I promised my daughter money and now I'm taking it away, she's upset but I want her to agree with me without making me feel bad".

And her post could read:

"My daughter is 19, I have promised her for years she would get thirty thousand dollars when she turns 21, and she has been excitedly looking forward to me honouring that promise and made many plans for the money that she did not ask for, but that I promised her.

Now, my circumstances have changed, and I want to buy a house that is out of my price range. I could afford a cheaper house without taking her money, but I would rather buy the more expensive house.

As a 19 year old, obviously she wants the nicer house too, but I have final say on everything financial, as proven by my decision not to give her the money I promised her.

I told my daughter I plan to use half the money I promised to give to her and she is extremely upset.

I think that's unfair, as I want the nicer house and I would rather she just went along with my plans without making me feel bad.

AIBU

Edited

Just a reminder, this is what the OP really said, without all the misdirection and blaming her 19 year old acting like a 19 year old.

Falseknock · 23/07/2025 01:41

Wooky073 · 22/07/2025 23:38

You legally cannot do this and if you do you would be in trouble legally. In fact if she is 19 why does she not have her own access to the money? Its already her money not yours. It sounds like you are withholding access which again you should not do.
What you can do is ask her if she would like to use say £20k of it towards a property (and she would then be entitled to a say 10percent stake in that property - which over time should increase). But you are way out of order withholding access when she is already legally entitled to the money and then telling her that you are using it to buy a house. You should immediately apologise and try and salvage her trust. Then you can have an adult conversation with her about your financial issues and concerns about where you will live.

Ignore the title of the thread and read the ops posts. The money is in a savings account in the ops name there is nothing illegal going on. The op got the money from her inheritance left to her by her dad. Her daughter has no legal rights over it.

evelynevelyn · 23/07/2025 02:45

Posters keep saying it’s OP’s money because it’s in her name.

This is a total red herring.

The whole concept of holding assets in trust is that A holds something for B.

If A has given B money and agreed to keep it for her then a trust relationship is established. It doesn’t require (though it can involve) special structures or even, legally speaking, a written agreement. A then has legal obligations to B that they can’t simply change their mind on.

We don’t know whether that’s the case here, because OP has been unclear. But poster after poster is doing OP a disservice by picking up on this legally unimportant point about whose name is on the account as if it’s conclusive.

Imagine a post about a daughter who is holding some money that belonged to her late father. Now her siblings are demanding some of it, even though they are rich and she needs it for urgent living costs. If she’s holding the money as executor of his will then situation is totally different than if it’s her money. That’s the point that needs clarifying before any sensible advice can be given. Same here: it really matters whether the money is being held in trust for the daughter or not. She needs legal advice on that if she’s planning to proceed without coming to an agreement with the daughter.

malificent7 · 23/07/2025 06:16

Well if your daughter refuses to live in any other houses ...tough. she can move out.
However you are being very unreasonable to take her money.

merrymelody · 23/07/2025 06:43

It’s her money, promised to her by you. You mustn’t take it; it’s dishonourable. You could ask her if she’d be willing to LEND it to you but it would be entirely her choice.

merrymelody · 23/07/2025 06:43

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Lucelady · 23/07/2025 06:57

Wooky073 · 22/07/2025 23:38

You legally cannot do this and if you do you would be in trouble legally. In fact if she is 19 why does she not have her own access to the money? Its already her money not yours. It sounds like you are withholding access which again you should not do.
What you can do is ask her if she would like to use say £20k of it towards a property (and she would then be entitled to a say 10percent stake in that property - which over time should increase). But you are way out of order withholding access when she is already legally entitled to the money and then telling her that you are using it to buy a house. You should immediately apologise and try and salvage her trust. Then you can have an adult conversation with her about your financial issues and concerns about where you will live.

Incorrect. There is no legal issue here. It is not a trust fund. It's a savings account in the mothers name. RTFT.

Lucelady · 23/07/2025 07:02

evelynevelyn · 23/07/2025 02:45

Posters keep saying it’s OP’s money because it’s in her name.

This is a total red herring.

The whole concept of holding assets in trust is that A holds something for B.

If A has given B money and agreed to keep it for her then a trust relationship is established. It doesn’t require (though it can involve) special structures or even, legally speaking, a written agreement. A then has legal obligations to B that they can’t simply change their mind on.

We don’t know whether that’s the case here, because OP has been unclear. But poster after poster is doing OP a disservice by picking up on this legally unimportant point about whose name is on the account as if it’s conclusive.

Imagine a post about a daughter who is holding some money that belonged to her late father. Now her siblings are demanding some of it, even though they are rich and she needs it for urgent living costs. If she’s holding the money as executor of his will then situation is totally different than if it’s her money. That’s the point that needs clarifying before any sensible advice can be given. Same here: it really matters whether the money is being held in trust for the daughter or not. She needs legal advice on that if she’s planning to proceed without coming to an agreement with the daughter.

Completely wrong. RTFT. It's not a trust. The money belongs to the mother.
She told the daughter she could have it many years ago, that's a promise not a contract. . My family are lawyers, Wills and Trusts.
Please don't give false advice to a OP.

Thecommonclayofthenewwest · 23/07/2025 07:11

Actual lol at "my family are lawyers" for your legal credentials.