To take DD’s trust fund..

[BlueFlamingo55]

AIBU to take part of DD’s trust fund to pay for our new house?

DD has quite a modest trust fund (~£30k) that I had promised to give her this year since she is now 19. The money is my inheritance from DF but instead I decided to put it away for DD when she was younger to help with her university costs, first car, house deposit etc.

Life didn’t turn out quite how I had expected it to and I have just come away from a messy divorce and am now having to purchase a new house in my 50s.. I’ve found a home that both DD and I love but my deposit (my share of the equity money from the marital home) wouldn’t be enough. I therefore decided that I’d take half of DD’s trust money to top things up. I do not want to do this and it was never the plan but it’s the only way I’ll be able to afford this house. We’ve explored cheaper options further outside of town but DD refuses to live in any of them (and I quietly agree with her, I much prefer the area this house is in)

I made the mistake of telling DD my plans re: the trust fund and she has gone absolutely ballistic, for want of a better term. Saying that I’m stealing her money and how will she possibly be able to afford her travel plans etc etc. Apparently I’m trying to ruin her life. I’ve reminded her that I help her out financially 24/7 and she is not hard done by but there is absolutely no talking sense into her. She has refused to speak to me all week.

Am I really the worst mother in the world for taking £15k in order to pay for good, permanent accommodation for us both?

So you want to buy a house for you both to live in & she wants to throw away thousands ‘travelling’? But she wants to live in the house? Poor you. What a spoiled child. I would have let my parents do whatever they needed to keep our family in a happy home.

Then she should use the full £30k.

Why stop there? Surely the DD has some clothes and electronics the mum could sell. 🤣

Nah, the dd can sell them to go travelling 😂

But that’s the point. There are plenty of other houses which are affordable to OP, just not in the preferred location. It’s not a choice of homelessness or dipping into child’s inheritance. It’s a case of - home in a nicer part of town, and dipping into funds earmarked and communicated as being for DD, or home in a slightly less appealing area, and honouring the promise made to her DD.
And who are we to say what’s a waste and what’s not. Some might argue paying more for the same house in a different location is wasteful. It’s all perspective.

The op is considering taking money promised fo her dd because she thinks she should be able to buy a house.

The money was promised to the dd, she has her whole life ahead of her to plan and have opportunities. Her mother planning on spending her money should not be considered.

That is my advice/opinion. Sometimes ops need the truth, inconvenient though it may be.

It was absurd to promise £30k to a child to spend on whatever they wish when you only have another £90k to your name, irrespective of how long you thought your marriage would last. It would be even more absurd not to buy the property you want so that the child can spend the money on travelling. Living permanently somehwhere you want to live is more important than funding a healthy teenager's holiday. The inconvenient truth is simply that the OP has to weather the fact that if her DD thinks her DM is awful, well the OP brought it on herself.

@Gloriia its not her money!
Ffs she's 19.

Actually becoming like a school playground on here now with some of the responses.

With replies like this thank goodness the poster can now make up her own mind on what she is going to do which will rightly so be her choice.

She was told it was her money. The op should stick to what she agreed. It isn't the dd's fault that the op is now divorced.

I can’t imagine giving my daughter 30k for a gap year while I moved in to a house which was too small/in a rough area or that I needed to take out 15k of debt for.

And I also may throw a hissy fit if I was 19 and expecting 30k, but by the time I grew up a bit more I would have crippling guilt if I took 30k from my mum and left her with unmanageable debt or a horrible house

”modest trust fund-£30 grand”
meanwhile, in the real world…..

I agree. It's a messy situation but this might be your last chance to afford a decent home whereas your DD has her whole life for travelling ahead of her. Hopefully when she calms down she wouldn't want you living alone in a rougher neighbourhood.

No, you're not the worst mother in the world but you should perhaps have explained to your daughter rather than just say you are taking the money

If it is your inheritance and in a account in your name it is your money. I can understand your daughter being disappointed as you promised it to her, but it is still yours. Surely it benefits her more to have a secure home to live in now, surely she doesn't want to see you struggle, and she will no doubt inherit from you eventually anyway.

My father no longer sees 4 of his grandchildren because his love for money exceeded that of his family.
He 'borrowed ' some money of his son never paid it back and 25 years later he is a sad lonely man who no one in the family respects or likes. It ate away at my brother all that time and led to a terrible rift. And he has plenty to pay it back now but chooses not to.

Don't underestimate the resentment and fall out this could cause.

What a bad timing!

if you told her op, then she needs to agree to whatever you do. You see, your words are either true or not.

You are in dangerous ground of damaging your relationship with her.

It's still your money OP and if you're spending some of it on a house, she'll inherit it all eventually.

Could you show her house details of what you can afford vs what you could afford, would that sway her?

and she will no doubt inherit from you eventually anyway.

That's in no way a given! Unless OP agrees to sell up when she retires and move into some kind of 65+ accommodation, so the daughter can have her money back and some sort of inheritance when she's in her late 30s, long way to wait but maybe the savvy thing to do.

Hopefully you would also have been smart enough to not promise it to your daughter for 17 years and then not have a conversation with her about it and just tell her. Whether you agree or not with whos money it is- the OP own actions have caused the mess and I can see why her daughter is annoyed.

I’d look at the options out side of town and also look for a smaller house. I’d also start charging rent to her too.

While the money is morally hers, a sensible person would see having a secure house for both of you is important.

If you merely mentally ring-fenced the money for her in your account and always had a get-out clause for yourself in the event of financial insecurity/need, then you should never have told her about it in the first place.

She is 19. Even a non-bratty 19-year-old would need almost herculean levels of charity and maturity not to spit the dummy at the idea of a substantial legacy dangled under their nose for years suddenly being ripped away to facilitate their mother's house purchase.

I can see why her daughter is annoyed. She was about to get 30k at 20 years old to do what ever she wanted with it, what a lucky girl. I also think hindsight is great and just because you said she could have 30k doesn’t mean that come hell or high water that she should get that money. Some things are more important in life and secure accommodation trumps her 30k fun money. I’d hope that eventually her daughter will accept that she’s a very lucky young woman to be getting a 15k lump sum to do what she wants with and has a mum who will always have a room for her

Maybe you’ll tell that to the person who said ‘the DD has some clothes and electronics the mum could sell.’

Oh no, I forgot, you only think people you disagree with belong in the playground. How predictable.

My opinion is you have to choose a different house. She will have no input. What does she contribute to living expenses?