To take DD’s trust fund..

[BlueFlamingo55]

AIBU to take part of DD’s trust fund to pay for our new house?

DD has quite a modest trust fund (~£30k) that I had promised to give her this year since she is now 19. The money is my inheritance from DF but instead I decided to put it away for DD when she was younger to help with her university costs, first car, house deposit etc.

Life didn’t turn out quite how I had expected it to and I have just come away from a messy divorce and am now having to purchase a new house in my 50s.. I’ve found a home that both DD and I love but my deposit (my share of the equity money from the marital home) wouldn’t be enough. I therefore decided that I’d take half of DD’s trust money to top things up. I do not want to do this and it was never the plan but it’s the only way I’ll be able to afford this house. We’ve explored cheaper options further outside of town but DD refuses to live in any of them (and I quietly agree with her, I much prefer the area this house is in)

I made the mistake of telling DD my plans re: the trust fund and she has gone absolutely ballistic, for want of a better term. Saying that I’m stealing her money and how will she possibly be able to afford her travel plans etc etc. Apparently I’m trying to ruin her life. I’ve reminded her that I help her out financially 24/7 and she is not hard done by but there is absolutely no talking sense into her. She has refused to speak to me all week.

Am I really the worst mother in the world for taking £15k in order to pay for good, permanent accommodation for us both?

Saying that I’m stealing her money and how will she possibly be able to afford her travel plans etc etc.

Funny how we never heard what the etc. was in the quote above. I mean sure it could be whisky and roller coasters but it could also be education, investing (in something other than a savings account which is the equivalent of hiding under a mattress), or as a down payment for something of her own.

Just saying 🤷‍♀️

OK, she can say no to this - but then she can't live in that house, and in fact, you might not be able to afford a house for her to live in at all..

This is just logic - you can't magic up the money from anywhere else.

I leant my parents money at that age (my student loan) because it was an emergency. They leant me money later on for a house deposit - we each paid each other back when we could. That's how it works in our family.

Are you purposely ignoring the fact the OP can buy a house without the 15K? That’s not a snarky question, I’m genuinely curious why you keep going to renting as the only alternative.

Because she just got divorced

Yes and most would not take money that had been allocated to their dc. They'd cut their losses and rent.
She's in her 50s not 30s and does not need to buy.

Why would she buy a house for her and her daughter that she's already said her daughter's refused to live in?

At this point, TBH, give the daughter the 30k, wave her off into the world, and buy a one-bed flat instead. She's made her choice here.

We’ve explored cheaper options further outside of town but DD refuses to live in any of them

I missed this - why are you even giving your 19-year old who is about to go off globetrotting a say? Will she be contributing towards the mortgage?

They borrowed your student loan from you then lent you money for a house desposit?! Quite a turn around in finances there.

As an aside what did you live on when you were a student?

The mistake was telling her she was getting all $30,000 at 19 instead of using it to help with specific things such as uni or house deposit or wedding fund etc as and when she needed help.

But now you are where you are so involve her in the options and ask for her opinion:

1. The two- bed house in the nicer area, she gets $15,000 now and you will save up and give her the other 15 over time.
2. Two-bed house in the less nice area and she gets $30,000 now
3. One bed house in the nicer area, she gets $30,000 now but will have to sofa surf or find her own flatshare,

Whatever you decide to give her she needs to understand your financial situation which means you aren’t going to be able to help with more money for things so she has to be sensible with any lump sum and save some for future needs.

Exactly! And believe it or not I totally agree. The daughter has a choice :

A- I buy the house in the not as nice area and you get the 30K
or
B- I buy the house in the nice area and 15K of the 30 goes toward that

The problem is that the OP doesn’t want to live in the not as nice area and needs to stop blaming the daughter for being the sole reason behind the decision.

saltinesandcoffeecups

a) I answered to a post that said renting in the 50s made better financial sense than repaying a mortgage

b) the OP is trying to secure accommodation for her and her DD when both are working and a few thousands more deposit can secure a loan for a bigger place.

Read the OP original post if you still don't get it.

The dd refuses to live in the cheaper houses.

How is dd travelling more likely to set her up in life than her mum buying a house she will inherit?

The dd refuses to live in the cheaper houses.

Who said she would inherit it though?

She is an only child

At 19 there is more to life than houses. The ops dd will have loads of opportunities as she travels and works.

She could save 20k for her own future house deposit and use 10k to travel.
Loads of potential. The op keeping it should not be an option.

And so does the OP. Besides, at 19 the daughter is free to make that choice but then she needs to find her own place to live. I’m sure when presented with that choice the mum’s house won’t be that bad.

There was a good 8 years in between the two events - and it was 25 years ago, so the deposits were a lot smaller....

I lived on my wages, the savings I already had, and for the first year, my grant (I am that old) - I worked at least one job throughout my degree. Supermarket/on campus admin etc.

3k at the right time was critical to my parents. Same when they got me over the line so I could buy my house those 8 years later.

I had a savings account for one of ours, only 10k not 30 but still. At that time things were a bit tight so I could've used it towards a car but nope, while it was indeed in my name it was always theirs so my needs and shortfalls were irrelevant.

Nothing in life is guaranteed… as demonstrated by the fact that the OP is going against her promise to gift the 30K. After this fiasco the daughter will likely not put stock in any promises made by mum.

Is she your only child? Can she have a portion of your house in her name (5 or 10%). Presumably she’ll inherit everything one day. Then she can either choose to take the money and ask you to buy her out in a few years, or keep it as an investment.

I agree the suggestions about renting are bizarre.

What’s it to you if this person wants a mortgage, absolutely nothing to do with you.

Why even take a loan out if you could live on salary, savings and a grant?
You had a grant and a loan? I thought grants preceeded loans.
Have you/your parents paid all your student loan off?